How to Handle People Who Repeatedly Violate Boundaries

Throughout life, you may have to deal with people who repeatedly violate boundaries. Boundary issues may be a problem at work, at home, or in your social life. Regardless, you’ve got to take steps to handle boundary violators in a responsible way that will put the problem to rest. Fortunately, by preparing yourself, communicating with the person, and maybe even involving others, you’ll be able to successfully handle people who repeatedly violate boundaries.

Part 1
Part 1 of 4:

Preparing Yourself to Deal With a Boundary Violater

  1. If someone is repeatedly violating a boundary and it is impacting you, you’ve got to take charge of the situation. As a result, you need to be comfortable with the idea that you’re in charge when it comes to resolving that issue.
    • Tell yourself that you won’t be bullied or taken advantage of by anyone.
    • Don’t question the validity of your feelings.
    • Don’t let anyone make you second guess yourself or the legitimacy of your feelings.
  2. Before taking steps to handle a boundary violator, you need to be able to clearly articulate the exact boundary you think they are breaking. Without being able to articulate that boundary in a clear and concise way, you won’t be able to communicate with the person about the issue.
    • If they’re violating your personal space or unspoken social etiquette, you need to be able to express why this is a problem.
    • If the person is breaking some sort of organizational rule, be able to provide documentation about this rule.
    • If you have a hard time articulating or explaining the boundary, find an uninterested third party and explain your situation. They may help you to find the words to do so. [1]
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  3. One of the most important things you can do to prepare yourself to deal with boundary breakers, is to think about why the person is violating those boundaries. Without spending a little time thinking about the nature of the violations, you’ll be ill prepared to deal with it.
    • Think about whether the individual has been facing personal challenges. For example, a coworker who is breaking rules, borrowing supplies without permission, or other activities, may be facing tough times at home. Gather information before making a judgement. This could just be a temporary problem, and you may want to respond to that person in a softer manner.
    • Be clear about your relationships with people. If someone is violating your personal space, you need to be clear that you think it is inappropriate and unacceptable. Do not entertain the possibility that what they're doing is okay.
    • Consider if the person may have a disability or difference that makes them perceive boundaries differently than you do. Perhaps they are not aware of social etiquette or appropriate behavior. [2]
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Part 2
Part 2 of 4:

Communicating About Boundary Violations

  1. Your first step in communicating with the person is to inform them that they are indeed violating boundaries. This is perhaps the most important thing you need to do when dealing with boundary violators.
    • Schedule a formal or informal meeting. Say: "We need to talk. You've repeatedly broken boundaries and we need to address that issue."
    • Let the person know that their behavior is unacceptable.
    • Clearly and concisely articulate the boundaries that you think they are violating.
    • Cite any rules, procedures, or laws that they might also be breaking.
  2. After letting the person know that they are violating boundaries, you need to explain the boundary and the reason for it. By explaining the boundaries, you’ll be making them clear and also providing the opportunity for dialogue. Make sure you explain the reason for the boundary.
    • If you’re dealing with a coworker who repeatedly takes your personal supplies, explain to them that you pay for those supplies out of your own money.
    • If you’re dealing with an acquaintance who violates your personal space in some way, explain to them that their behavior makes you uneasy. For example, say: "When you stand so close to me, it makes me feel uncomfortable."
    • Be polite and simply share your side of the story. Avoid insulting them or making blanket statements about who they are. Don’t say things like “You’re the type of person that makes people uncomfortable.” Instead, say, “I feel embarrassed/angry/uncomfortable/claustrophobic when you do/say things like...” [3]
  3. When communicating about boundaries, you should be extremely firm in describing them and setting them. If you’re not firm, the person in question might think that you’re not serious, the boundaries aren’t serious, or that they will continue to get away with breaking boundaries.
    • Avoid words like “maybe,” “sometimes,” “possibly,” or any other word that indicates that there is a gray area of interpretation. For instance, don't say: "When you stand close, sometimes I feel uncomfortable."
    • Be clear that the boundaries are black and white. If the person has any question about how to interpret boundaries, then help them do so. If the person is breaking a policy, say: "I asked you not to talk to me about your sex life any more. Stop right now and don’t do it again. I do not want to hear about it."
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Part 3
Part 3 of 4:

Working With Others to Resolve the Problem

  1. Depending on the type of boundaries the person is violating, you’ll want to take steps to document the boundaries that are being violated. Ultimately, documenting these problems is necessary to move to the next step and resolve the overarching problem.
    • If the boundaries being violated are within the structure of an organization, you should pull any relevant paperwork and lodge a formal complaint.
    • If you’re a supervisor or manager, and the person violating boundaries is a subordinate, you should compile notes or a report on the boundaries being violated. Also, consider interviewing other employees who may be able to corroborate the problem.
    • If someone in your social circle is stalking you, try to gain evidence about the stalking. You’ll need this if you decide to contact the police. [4]
  2. If nothing else has worked, you should contact relevant authorities at your institution. They will help resolve the problem, mediate, or discipline if they need to.
    • If the nature of the problem is work related, you’ll want to contact your Human Resources department to deal with it. There might very well be some sort of organizational policy that the person is violating. At the very least, Human Resources might intercede and help solve the problem.
    • If the problem is at an educational institution, contact the appropriate administrator. If you're an employee, talk to your supervisor. If you're a student in a K-12 environment, contact your principal. If you're at an institution of higher education, contact the appropriate office or administrative division such as the Dean of Student's Office.
  3. If the person violating your personal space or boundaries does not get the picture, and their activities verge on stalking or are threatening in any way, you’ll need to call the police.
    • The police will investigate.
    • You might need to, in extreme situations, request a restraining order from a court of law.
    • If you are in danger at any kind, call the policy immediately.
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Part 4
Part 4 of 4:

Deciding if the Relationship is Worth Continuing

  1. Start by thinking about the purpose of the relationship. Depending on the purpose of the relationship, you'll be able to better arrive at a decision of whether you want to continue it or not.
    • Question whether the point of the relationship is even fulfilled. Is the person a friend? If they are and they're violating your boundaries over-and-over again, then they're not really acting as a friend. [5]
    • Ask yourself whether the relationship is healthy. Is the relationship completely dysfunctional and causing problems for you and/or the other person?
    • If the relationship is work-related, is it necessary? Could you easily stop dealing with the person?
    • Is the person a family member? If so, does the person provide love and support despite violating your boundaries? [6]
  2. After evaluating the relationship, you need to make a decision about whether you will continue dealing with the person. Ask yourself the following:
    • Are you being physically or psychologically abused? If so, end it. Call the police and talk to close family or friends for support.
    • Is this a voluntary relationship and is it enjoyable? If it is voluntary and not enjoyable, you may need to end it.
    • Is the relationship causing you to be less productive at work? If so, you may decide to end it.
    • Do you feel anxiety associated with dealing with the person? If so, it is time to consider ending it.
  3. If talking to the person does not work, you’ll need to take actions on your own. If the person is violating your personal or social boundaries outside of an institutional framework, you need to cease communication.
    • Stop communicating with the person over the phone, text message, or online.
    • Inform friends and others in your social circle that you want to minimize contact with the individual in question.
    • Do not give into pleas by the individual—in the form of a voice message, text, or email—to reestablish contact.
    • If you live with the person, make arrangements to leave as soon as possible.
    • If you work with the person, and other steps have not worked, ask for a transfer if possible. [7]
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How can I bring up the issue in more of a subtle way?
    Allison Broennimann, PhD
    Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Allison Broennimann is a licensed Clinical Psychologist with a private practice based in the San Francisco Bay Area providing psychotherapy and neuropsychology services. With over a decade of experience, Dr. Broennimann specializes in in-depth psychotherapy to provide solution-focused treatments for anxiety, depression, relationship problems, grief, adjustment problems, traumatic stress, and phase-of-life transitions. And as part of her neuropsychology practice, she integrates depth psychotherapy and cognitive rehabilitation for those recovering after traumatic brain injury. Dr. Broennimann holds a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Santa Cruz, and an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Palo Alto University. She is licensed by the California Board of Psychology and is a member of the American Psychological Association.
    Allison Broennimann, PhD
    Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    You can definitely start off subtle. It doesn't have to be a big scary conversation. It can be something as simple as “You know, we've gone to that restaurant a few times, and every single time, I've footed the bill," or “Every time you come over to my house, I ask you to take off your shoes and you don't." It doesn't have to be an explicit talk about boundaries.
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  • Question
    Is there a way to deal with the situation without addressing the problem directly?
    Allison Broennimann, PhD
    Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Allison Broennimann is a licensed Clinical Psychologist with a private practice based in the San Francisco Bay Area providing psychotherapy and neuropsychology services. With over a decade of experience, Dr. Broennimann specializes in in-depth psychotherapy to provide solution-focused treatments for anxiety, depression, relationship problems, grief, adjustment problems, traumatic stress, and phase-of-life transitions. And as part of her neuropsychology practice, she integrates depth psychotherapy and cognitive rehabilitation for those recovering after traumatic brain injury. Dr. Broennimann holds a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Santa Cruz, and an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Palo Alto University. She is licensed by the California Board of Psychology and is a member of the American Psychological Association.
    Allison Broennimann, PhD
    Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    Emotionally, if people are crossing your boundaries, it's really important to say something. That way the other person knows to stop. And if a friend knows that they're crossing your boundaries and they don't stop, they're not really a friend.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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      References

      1. ↑ http://sfhelp.org/cx/apps/boundaries.htm
      2. ↑ http://www.jaapl.org/content/20/3/269.full.pdf
      3. ↑ http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/stop-explaining-stop-justifying-stop-talking-boundaries-are-upheld-with-action/
      4. ↑ http://www.askamanager.org/2013/03/how-to-deal-with-a-supply-stealing-boundary-violating-coworker.html
      5. ↑ Allison Broennimann, PhD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 29 January 2021.
      6. ↑ http://www.pamf.org/teen/abc/assessing/evaluating_friendship.html
      7. ↑ http://www.herinterest.com/how-to-cut-people-out-of-your-life/

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