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Speaking up for yourself and others doesn’t come naturally. Most often, it has to be worked on and the skills must be refined over time. You may not necessarily feel comfortable using your voice, but it's one of your basic rights. Luckily, you can feel more at ease when standing up for yourself and others. By learning how to increase your assertiveness, speaking up for someone else, and working on your self-esteem, you can finally get the courage you need to speak up.
Steps
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Stop feeling guilty. Speaking up for yourself may cause you to step out of your comfort zone. You may feel leery about doing so because you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. However, if you look out for your well-being, while still being respectful towards others, you have every right to take care of your needs. [1] X Expert Source Christy Irvine, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 9 April 2021.- When you say “no” to someone, don’t focus on what you said no to, but instead think about what you said yes to. For example, if you refused to let your friend borrow your car because they are too lazy to find a job, don’t think about how guilty you feel for saying no. Rather, think about how you are helping your friend by not just giving them something, and how you are honoring your hard work by not sacrificing your vehicle for someone else.
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Practice being assertive. The art of assertiveness is not only about verbal communication, but non-verbal communication, as well. You can practice how you’re going to be assertive when alone. Taking the time to practice can help you gain the confidence you need when it comes to putting it into use.- For instance, practice standing up straight, looking someone in the eye, and displaying clear and direct emotions. Also, speak in a relaxed and sincere voice and practice talking without any hesitation. [2] X Research source
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Feel confident using power poses. You can also practice your body language skills to enhance assertiveness. There are a few stances called power poses that convey confidence and authority when speaking. What's more, practicing these poses doesn't just influence how others see you, they will actually change how you feel about yourself, too. [3] X Research source- Practice your power pose while looking in the mirror before entering a situation where you may need to speak up. Stand like a superhero with your feet wide and firmly planted and your fists at your hips. Lift your chin and channel your inner strength. You will naturally appear more confident and feel that way, too.
- Another power pose involves sitting with one leg casually slung over the other and your arms forming a "V" shape with your hands resting at your nape. Try these poses for a few minutes each day and see if you feel a difference in your confidence.
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Avoid using combative language. You can be assertive without being argumentative. The key is to use the proper language. You can get your point across effectively without coming across as aggressive, which increases your chances of being taken seriously. [4] X Expert Source Christy Irvine, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 9 April 2021.- Instead of pointing blame at someone by saying “You always do this” or “You need to stop doing this,” use “I” language instead. For instance, begin with “I feel upset when…” or “I think we can...” By focusing on you, the person you are speaking with may not feel attacked.
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Start in less stressful situations. You don’t want to assert yourself for the first time in a high-stress situation. Instead, use your new skills initially in a situation that is low-key. Doing this can help you build your confidence and cause you to become comfortable standing up for yourself.- For example, implement your assertiveness on your friends or loved ones in small settings before you go for something big. Tell your friends “no” if you can’t watch their kids or let your partner know you don’t want to go to a party. Get some practice before you take on a bigger issue, like turning down a project at work. [5] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
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Point out unacceptable behavior. If you witness someone speaking negatively about someone else, bring up what they are doing. Don’t attack them; simply say back to them what they said. You’re not doing anything but letting them hear what they said, which can make them aware of what they did in a non-confrontational way.- For example, you could say, “From what I hear, you are saying that this person doesn’t deserve to work here. Is that correct?” By repeating what they say back to them, you make them aware that you heard what they said in a non-aggressive way, and that you aren’t going to let their negative opinions slip by you. [6] X Research source
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Understand that silence is often interpreted as acceptance. Someone you know is bashed by the people around you, and you don’t think it is appropriate. If you sit in silence, however, you are basically agreeing with what is being said. You may withhold because you don’t want to start an argument, but your lack of opinions will likely be seen as approval of what was said.- Get the courage to speak up by asking yourself if you would want someone to allow what is being said to be said about you. If not, then you should say something. [7] X Research source
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Plan out the best course of action. Preparation is the key to confidence and courage. Going into battle unarmed and without a plan will not only cause you to doubt yourself, but can make your attack seem weak. Go into this discussion with a well thought-out course of action and you’ll increase your chances of being effective.- Include what you find offensive about what is being said or done, examples of when the injustice took place, and why the person who is being attacked doesn’t deserve it. You can also discuss what you plan to do if the attacks don’t stop. [8] X Research source
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Remember your values. When you doubt your confidence about speaking up, remember what you hold dear. If you aren’t comfortable with what is being said to someone you care about or how they are being treated, think about your values. If you won’t be able to live with yourself by not stepping in, then you should.- Also remember your character when you decide to speak up for the person. Don’t react in a way that wouldn’t make you feel proud about yourself. Speak in a calm and rational voice and refuse to let things escalate. It may be difficult, but you are capable of getting your point across without stooping to insults and bad behavior. [9] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source
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Increase your mental health and emotional well-being. Building your self-confidence will enable you to gather more strength and courage to help you speak up for yourself or others. The more self-confident you become the more likely you will be able to take risks to improve your public speaking, or just have the assertiveness and self-esteem you need to speak up for yourself or for others.- Building a good foundation of self-confidence will also increase your self-efficacy. The more you believe in yourself the more empowered you will become, especially with speaking for others or yourself. Your increased self-confidence also has the ability to help motivate you to achieve your personal goals or challenges in other areas of life as well.
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Remove negative thoughts. By reframing your internal dialogue you can train yourself to think in a more positive and uplifting way. Many people are able to do this on their own with practice, while others may need some extra coaching from a counselor or therapist. Reframing your thoughts will help you to remove any negative and pessimistic thoughts that would otherwise prevent you from having the self-confidence and courage needed to speak up. [10] X Expert Source Christy Irvine, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 9 April 2021.- Try incorporating daily positive affirmations. Replace any negative thinking you have with positive affirmations and self-talk. Not only will this improve your overall well-being, you will also improve your self-efficacy, and confidence. So for every negative thought, replace it with two positive thoughts about yourself and believe in it while you speak it out loud to yourself.
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Join a group that helps with public speaking. You definitely aren’t the only person who is hesitant about speaking up. Being afraid to speak up for yourself whether to one person or in front of a crowd is common and joining a group that can help you get past this roadblock may be effective. You can learn tips on how to control your anxiety and build confidence.- Look online for groups near you. One popular public speaking group is Toastmasters. You may even be able to join a group that meets solely online if you aren’t able to find one in your area.
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Decide what kind of person you want to be. Would you like to be known for using your voice about the issues that are important to you? Do you want to be remembered for speaking up even when it was difficult? You can. Taking steps to be the person you want to be can give you the courage to speak up. [11] X Research source- Make a list of the characteristics and values you want to be remembered by. You might include things like "leader," "confident" and "optimistic." If you ever feel uncertain about speaking up, review this list and ask yourself whether your actions are aligning with your goals.
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Understand that you deserve to have a voice. You may not want to speak up because you don’t want to ruffle a few feathers. You might feel like everyone else’s needs are more important than yours. You owe it to yourself to know that this isn’t true. You have the same rights as everyone else and deserve to let others know how you feel.- When you’re feeling discouraged or low in confidence, tell yourself just how worthy you are. You are smart, capable, and brave. You can do this. And if you upset others because you want to be heard, then that is their problem, not yours. [12] X Research source
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Work with a therapist. If you have poor self-esteem or have anxiety when speaking in front of others, you may have trouble getting the courage to speak up on your own. A professional mental health therapist can work with you to boost your self-confidence or cope with social anxiety. [13] X Research source- Ask your family doctor for a referral to a therapist in your area.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhy am I so afraid of speaking up?Dr. Christy Irvine is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the owner of her private practice out of Portland, Oregon. With over 10 years of experience, she specializes in individual and couples therapy using various techniques including Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Interpersonal-Process Therapy, and Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT). Dr. Irvine holds a B.A. in Psychology from Whitman College and a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from The University of Connecticut.It's possible that you just haven't had much practice yet! This is definitely one of those things that gets easier the more you start doing it.
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QuestionI communicate my boundaries but I never really feel like I'm speaking up at work. What can I do?Dr. Christy Irvine is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the owner of her private practice out of Portland, Oregon. With over 10 years of experience, she specializes in individual and couples therapy using various techniques including Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Interpersonal-Process Therapy, and Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT). Dr. Irvine holds a B.A. in Psychology from Whitman College and a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from The University of Connecticut.Being direct with other people is a form of assertiveness. I wouldn't worry too much about this. If you're telling people what you need and you're clear about what your limits are, you're speaking up just fine. It's possible that you just need to reframe what you're picturing when you think about speaking up.
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QuestionWhat if people don't take me seriously?Dr. Christy Irvine is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the owner of her private practice out of Portland, Oregon. With over 10 years of experience, she specializes in individual and couples therapy using various techniques including Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Interpersonal-Process Therapy, and Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT). Dr. Irvine holds a B.A. in Psychology from Whitman College and a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from The University of Connecticut.It can take some time and repetition for people to get used to you speaking your mind. Stick with it. It can be a little disarming for people to speak up when others aren't used to it, but they'll get used to it eventually!
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References
- ↑ Christy Irvine, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 9 April 2021.
- ↑ https://lifehacker.com/how-to-be-more-assertive-and-communicate-more-effective-1586157331
- ↑ https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are
- ↑ Christy Irvine, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 9 April 2021.
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/assertive/art-20044644?pg=2
- ↑ https://www.tolerance.org/publication/six-steps-speak
- ↑ https://www.inc.com/kevin-daum/5-reasons-you-should-speak-up-even-when-you-think-you-shouldnt.html
- ↑ https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/standing-up-for-your-people.htm
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2015/06/how-to-speak-up-about-ethical-issues-at-work
- ↑ Christy Irvine, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 9 April 2021.
- ↑ https://www.huffingtonpost.com/jane-shure/the-courage-to-speak-up-t_b_1610976.html
- ↑ https://tinybuddha.com/blog/learning-to-speak-up-you-deserve-to-meet-your-needs/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/hide-and-seek/201205/building-confidence-and-self-esteem
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