17 Ways That Being with a Narcissist Changes You

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Understand the impact of emotional manipulation in your relationship
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Every relationship changes you somehow, but what happens when you date someone with narcissistic traits? There are a variety of nuanced side effects of this relationship—some of them can be positive, but others may result in the erosion of your self-esteem and mental well-being. We’ve put together a psychology-backed list of how dating a person with narcissistic qualities can change you. If you have been (or are being) negatively impacted by a relationship, hopefully you can recognize any signs of unhealthy or emotionally abusive habits and put yourself on the path to healing. If you’re ready to make positive changes, keep scrolling!

Effects of Dating a Narcissist

  1. You may struggle with low self-esteem or constant self-doubt.
  2. You might feel isolated or like you’ve lost your sense of self.
  3. You may prioritize your partner’s needs or walk on eggshells around them.
  4. You may spend a lot more money on your partner than they do on you.
  5. You might struggle to say “no” or feel like everything’s your fault.
  6. You might get better at spotting red flags in potential partners.
  7. You may gain new self-respect and draw firmer boundaries in the future.
1

You may have lowered self-esteem or confidence.

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  1. This might’ve made you angry and defensive at first, but now you may have internalized a negative self-image. [1] The put-downs wear your self-esteem down, and you may think you’re less deserving or valid than others. [2]
    • You may feel ashamed over your quirks, likes and dislikes, or future plans. As your confidence dims, you might start hiding these traits to avoid feeling shame.
    • One of the defining features of narcissism is the treatment of other people as less important, competent, valuable, skilled, or special. [3]
    • People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) often suffer from extremely low self-esteem, and making others feel lesser may make them feel better about themselves. So, keep in mind that these behaviors come from a place of inner insecurity, not because you’ve done anything wrong.
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2

You might feel isolated.

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  1. They may bad-mouth others or make arguments that someone isn’t really your friend to make you doubt your other relationships. You might feel alone except for your partner, and you may notice an abundance of severed ties when you reflect on your friends and family. [4]
    • If your partner has narcissistic traits, they may try extra hard to block people who are “onto them” out of your life.
    • Many people with narcissistic traits also employ "triangulation." Consider if your partner constantly compares you to another person or starts rumors to cause tension in your relationships. [5]
    • On the positive side, this isolation can inspire you to put new effort into making new connections and getting more fulfillment out of your current relationships.
3

You may have lost your identity.

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  1. You might seek your partner’s validation and permission to do things constantly, and your assertiveness may be diminished. As your boundaries fade, your life and personality might become completely mixed with theirs. [6]
    • You might put your own freedom, identity, and self-expression to the side in order to please and get affection from your partner.
    • The loss of confidence in who you are might make it harder to leave your partner, leaving them in control of the relationship dynamics.
    • Take advantage of support groups like Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) to regain your independence. [7]
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4

You might walk on eggshells to avoid arguments.

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  1. The slightest criticism or disagreement might trigger their rage. They may respond to any negative comment as if it were an attack, so you might stop resisting their delusions and tread softly to avoid being called names, blamed, or ignored. It may feel easier to disregard their problematic behavior than confront them. [8]
    • Confront your partner calmly and respectfully. Focus on your feelings rather than their motivations or reasons.
    • Stay calm during confrontations, even if they respond with anger or defensiveness. Walk away and revisit the discussion later instead of escalating.
    • Seek shelter immediately if you feel physically threatened by your partner. Physical abuse typically repeats itself. [9]
Quiz

wikiHow Quiz: Am I Dating a Narcissist?

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1 of 12

How did they act when you first started dating?

5

You may prioritize your partner’s needs over yours.

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  1. They may believe that you’re less valuable or selfish when you don’t comply with their every wish or ask them for something. Over time, you might learn to give in to your partner’s needs in order to avoid aggression, the silent treatment, or narcissistic rage. [10]
    • If your partner has clinically diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), they may legitimately struggle to understand that you have your own needs. While this behavior is rooted in their mental health condition, it may cause you to stop advocating for yourself just to keep the peace.
    • Dating someone with narcissist traits can be draining. Prioritize self-care and your well-being to protect yourself and stabilize your relationship.
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6

You might feel used.

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  1. You may feel like you aren’t viewed as an equal partner or only exist to serve your partner. Your partner’s narcissistic traits may make you feel like your standing with them depends on what you do for them, who your connections are, and how you make them look. You might feel like a tool they use to maintain their self-image. [11]
    • People with diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) often can’t empathize with the feelings of others. As a result, it’s easier for them to take advantage of others to get their own needs met.
    • Some diagnosed narcissists (and people with extreme narcissistic tendencies) exploit their close ones intentionally, while others are oblivious to their manipulative behaviors.
7

You may struggle to say “no.”

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  1. Maybe now you’re always busy doing things, but it’s mostly for other people. It might be hard for you to say “no” when you’re asked to join a committee or organize a group, and you may struggle to set and maintain boundaries to protect yourself. [12]
    • The bright side is that you might’ve developed a strong work ethic, and you can accomplish great things for yourself once you stop serving others first.
    • Set self-care boundaries with others and stick to them. Your partner is more likely to recognize that you won't budge on certain issues if you consistently say no .
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8

You could feel insecure in your relationship.

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  1. An insecure or manipulative partner might praise an ex or flirt with someone right in front of you to raise their self-esteem and make you work harder for their affection. [13] You might ruminate on the earlier, happy days of your relationship and try to get those back. [14]
    • As their tactics wear on you, you might obsess over making them love you more. You might become “clingy” (which is probably what they want from you).
9

You may blame yourself for everything.

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  1. Over time, this feeling of blame can become your default position—whether you’re at work or out with friends. You may feel that you’re responsible for what’s happening all the time, even when it has nothing to do with you. [15]
    • Others may start expecting you to find solutions to problems if you consistently adopt a “this is my fault” mindset.
    • Recognize that it isn’t always your responsibility to fix every problem. If a situation doesn’t involve you, you’re not obligated to get involved.
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10

You might doubt yourself constantly.

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  1. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation to make someone question their own sanity or reality. It’s often done gradually over long periods, so it’s hard to notice. If your partner has gaslit you, you’ve probably started to believe them more and more over time. Eventually, you may think they’re right and your self-esteem and mental health might sink. [16] Common gaslighting phrases include:
    • “I did it because I love you” or “No one else will do things for you like I have.”
    • “You’re too sensitive.”
    • “You never told me about that” or “You’re imagining things.”
    • Reconnect with trusted friends and family to recover from gaslighting and regain your self-trust.
11

You could spend all your money on your partner.

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  1. Your partner might constantly expect lavish, name-brand gifts and fine dining from you while rarely spending a cent in return. They may even bully you into opening credit cards or taking out loans for expensive purchases. [17]
    • Your partner’s narcissistic tendencies may indicate a lack of empathy, meaning that they’re less likely to consider your financial well-being. They may just want you to spend money on them.
    • Evaluate your spending habits when you’re on dates or shopping for your partner. Dramatically unbalanced spending is a red flag of abuse.
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12

You might view kindness as transactional.

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  1. Even if you’re no longer with your partner, you may still think that kindness needs to be repaid with favors, money, or even sex. You might lose trust that people can be genuinely kind, or feel anxious whenever you’re on the receiving end of kindness. [18]
    • Being deprived of kindness can make you crave it in any form, which might lead you to enter more manipulative relationships in the future.
13

You could feel mentally or physically unwell more often.

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  1. You may feel anxious or depressed because your social circle shrunk and your self-esteem dropped. You may also feel sick, get headaches, have chronic pain, or experience GI issues more frequently. [19]
    • Toxic levels of bullying and criticism can also lead to severe conditions like eating disorders and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). [20]
    • If any of these conditions are affecting your ability to work or take care of yourself, seek out a mental health professional to begin healing from your abuse.
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14

You might improve at spotting “red flags.”

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  1. You might be able to detect traits of narcissism in others now that you’ve seen it up close. This skill serves to protect you as you enter future relationships, and it might inspire you to reach out to others who may have suffered from emotional manipulation or narcissistic abuse. [21]
    • It’s easy to overlook red flags when you’re infatuated. However, you may now know that some people truly struggle to create loving and fulfilling relationships.
15

You could become more compassionate.

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  1. You may experience heightened compassion for suffering people and animals, or have a renewed moral stance on what’s right or wrong. You realize that genuine kindness is special and should be celebrated. [22]
    • You may also have a newfound respect for people who are kind, gentle, and compassionate themselves.
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16

You might draw firmer personal boundaries.

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  1. Many who used to date people with narcissistic behaviors insist on “zero tolerance” policies when it comes to other people’s bad habits. Sticking to boundaries is new territory, but it’s a sign that you’re recovering your personal power. [23]
    • The clearer and more consistent you are about what you will or won’t do, the harder it becomes for other people to control or manipulate you.
    • Your partner may try to keep control over you, even if you’ve left. Go “no contact” with them to sever ties and maintain your boundaries. [24]
17

You could gain renewed self-respect.

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  1. If you’ve experienced a toxic relationship with manipulation or emotional abuse, this experience could make you more appreciative of your intact emotional abilities. You might get reacquainted with your old hopes and dreams. You might prioritize self-care more and view yourself as worthy of love. [25]
    • The journey to healing is nonlinear and personal. Some experience new growth and perspective while they’re in the relationship, while others need a separation.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychalive.org/narcissistic-relationships/
      2. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/effects-of-emotional-abuse
      3. ↑ Liana Georgoulis, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview
      4. ↑ https://www.healthcentral.com/condition/narcissism/narcissist-signs-married-to-a-narcissist
      5. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-deal-narcissistic-partner
      6. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/liberation/2018/08/healing-from-identity-loss-after-narcissistic-abuse
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201904/how-leave-narcissist-or-toxic-relationship
      8. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201904/how-leave-narcissist-or-toxic-relationship
      1. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      2. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/victim-victor/202103/what-are-typical-behaviours-narcissistic-abuse-survivors
      4. ↑ https://www.healthcentral.com/condition/narcissism/narcissist-signs-married-to-a-narcissist
      5. ↑ https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2017-20423-007
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/victim-victor/202103/what-are-typical-behaviours-narcissistic-abuse-survivors
      7. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/manipulation-games-narcissists-play
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-in-the-age-narcissism/202201/the-cost-loving-narcissist
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/victim-victor/202103/what-are-typical-behaviours-narcissistic-abuse-survivors
      10. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mood-microbe/201905/dont-let-narcissists-ruin-your-health
      11. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/effects-of-emotional-abuse
      12. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201810/red-flags-and-blind-spots-in-dating-narcissist
      13. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_doesnt_kill_you_makes_you_kinder
      14. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/victim-victor/202103/what-are-typical-behaviours-narcissistic-abuse-survivors
      15. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201904/how-leave-narcissist-or-toxic-relationship
      16. ↑ https://unmaskingthenarc.com/.well-known/captcha/?y=ipr:98.83.6.249:1755774607.752&r=%2Fhow-dating-a-narcissist-changes-you%2F
      17. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201904/how-leave-narcissist-or-toxic-relationship
      18. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20366690

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