How to Love Someone

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: September 29, 2024 References

Love is something that everybody wants. It is something everyone wants to feel, and have felt towards them. While some might argue that love is something that is felt naturally and without any effort, the very nature of love makes it difficult to pin in definite terms. In order to truly love someone, you must first understand the nature of love and how to define it. For a feeling people place such importance on, you'd be surprised how many people lose sight of love's true meaning.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Feeling Love

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1
Consider whether the person is worth your love or not. Love requires a significant emotional investment. While loving someone is not always a matter of choice, it may be worth taking a look at the connection you have with a given person and thinking how loving them might affect you. While this step may sound like a warning, it's actually a positive step toward loving them. If you struggle with feeling love, justifying it on a logical basis can be a positive step forward.
- Refusing to be realistic about your feelings may be a sign of infatuation, so be warned. ^{[1]
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Open yourself to the possibility of being hurt. ^{[2]
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Research source} With all love comes the risk of potentially having those feelings turned against you. Defence mechanisms may arise as a way to protect us from the possibility of loving someone. In order to love fully, you need to push past this doubt and realize that love is worth all of the risks you take in pursuing it.
- Positive self-talk is a good way to get past this fear. If you are ever in doubt, don't be afraid to tell yourself aloud: "Love is worth the risk of being hurt." Living in fear is itself a form of pain. If you're able to train yourself to let go of that, you'll be much better for the long run. ^{[3]
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Feel love as an addiction. You have probably heard the metaphor comparing love to a drug, but as far as brain chemistry goes, that is somewhat true. ^{[4]
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Research source} When you love someone, you become addicted to their presence. If you focus on all of the good things about someone, you will become increasingly excited to see them again.
- Love as an addiction should manifest itself as missing that person terribly while you're apart. ^{[5]
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- Don’t be around a person in a possessive, unhealthy way.
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Research source} Even when we hear about friends accomplishing great things, it is natural to feel a tinge of jealousy, especially if we're not happy with the state of our own lives. This is not so often the case with love. If you truly love someone, you feel happy for their happiness, and don't let your own jealousies into the mix.
Though your feelings towards yourself may have nothing to do with the way your perceive someone you love, the fact remains that you cannot give yourself completely over to someone unless you feel secure and stable with who you are. Loving yourself means recognizing your good qualities, and acknowledging that those are the things that define you as a person. ^{[7]
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Research source} The experience of loving yourself isn't comparable to love for another, but it is a strong step in the right direction.

Part 2

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Expressing Love through Action

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1
Express your love in words. Arguably the most obvious way of showing love is through words of affirmation. ^{[8]
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Research source} This can range from anything from a simple "I love you" to a more elaborate passage about all the things you admire about the person you love. This applies to love in friendships as much as romantic arrangements.
- Often, saying "I love you" says more than most anything else, if only for the fact that people have placed so much emphasis on those three words.
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Use physical touch to your advantage. Touch can be used to a wide variety of positive effects. ^{[9]
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Research source} While the benefits would seem most apparent in a romantic connection, love may be demonstrated in all types of love. Depending on the type of connection you have with someone you love, physical affection may come naturally, and it may be reciprocated in turn. Physical touch feels good, and helps promote good feelings between the both of you. ^{[10]
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- Kissing and cuddling are best suited to show romantic love.
- A handshake or a hug can demonstrate platonic love.
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Make a habit of gift-giving. ^{[11]
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Research source} Gifts are a great thing if you want to express your love to someone. While words go a long way, a gift is a concrete sign of your affection. Gifts can be as small or as big as you want. The important thing is that the gift was given with sincere feelings behind it. The types of gifts you might give depends on the type of love you're expressing:
- Flowers are a very common gift to give to a romantic lover.
- Less symbolic gifts, like concert tickets, may be given to friends or family.
- Small thoughtful gifts, like homemade cards or picked flowers, can mean a lot to anyone.
4
Spend quality time with them. Give the person you love your full, undivided attention when you’re together. Try to eliminate any distractions coming between you and your loved one. Avoid using your phone or electronics to make your loved one feel special. ^{[12]
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- Practice active listening when your loved one is talking by maintaining eye contact and processing what they’re saying. Don’t talk over or interrupt them.
- Have a board game night or go on a date night to a place you’ve never been before so you can have fun.
5
Perform acts of service for your loved one. Sometimes, doing chores or helping out around the house will show someone that you care and love them. Even if it’s out of your way, take some time to do the thing that your loved one hates doing all the time. They’ll be sure to appreciate it. ^{[13]
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- For example, if your loved one is very busy and don’t have time to wash the dishes, consider doing them to ease their workload.
EXPERT TIP

Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist
Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York, with over 13 years of therapy experience working with children, families, couples, and individuals. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use.

Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist

Embrace your unique way of expressing affection. It's okay if you aren't a natural poet when it comes to expressing love. You can still show your feelings in non-verbal ways that resonate with your partner, like acts of service.
6
Make it last. When people first begin to love, they rarely consider the long-term ramifications. It can feel amazing to love someone at first, but the greatest rewards come from a lot of persistence and effort from both sides. Once you have a strong relationship, don't get lazy; feed it every day. Whether that's through repeating the steps or exploring new ways, making love last is very important. If love was thought to be short-lived, it would never feel as powerful as it does.
- Put your loved one’s needs ahead of your own from time to time to keep your love consistent.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Understanding Love

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Define love. Before anything else, it is important to base your search for answers on a generally agreed-upon definition for the word love. Love may be casually described as a very strong affection for something or someone, although answers will vary from person to person. ^{[14]
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Research source} Chances are you have your own definition of love. Try to put your own definition into words.
- Because love is something you feel, looking to art and music lets you feel someone else's interpretation directly. The Beatles are a great go-to in this regard, but there are great songs about love from virtually every era and style of music.
- Writers and philosophers have given many different interpretations of love. You may want to seek out their opinions if you're having any doubt with your own definition. ^{[15]
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Consider the different types of love. Love covers a wide variety of positive feelings for an all-encompassing range of human relationships. Think of all of the different types of connections you can foster with people. Most connections have the potential for a certain kind of love. A love you have for your parents or your children is distinct from the feelings you would have towards a lover. It is important to first consider these different types of love, and how they might ideally feel. While it could be categorized endlessly, Ancient Greek philosophers categorized love into four general categories: ^{[16]
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- Eros refers to a romantic love. This is arguably the first type of love people think of when the term love is brought up.
- Storge refers to a love of family and kinship.
- Philia is a friendly love, also known as "Platonic love."
- Agape was the Greeks' term for a "divine love", relating to spiritual matters.
- Love can also be used to describe affection for an object or a concept. For instance, someone may love their car, or their country.
3
Distinguish love from infatuation. It is very easy to recognize mere attraction as real love. However, most often this boils down to a case of infatuation. Judging infatuation as love muddles the value of love as a term. If you are thinking of romantic love, this can often refer to a confusion between love with a mostly physical attraction.
- Although there is such a thing as love at first sight, it is much more likely that real love will develop gradually.
4
Be realistic about love. When it all comes down to it, love is idealistic by nature. That doesn't mean it can't be a part of real life, but you do need to be realistic about what you define as love. Love can feel magical, but it's by no means fairytale-like or perfect. You can love someone and still fight with them or dislike things about them. At the end of the day, however, loving someone means the positives outweigh their negative traits, and you would go out of your way to help them out at no benefit to yourself. It is easy to idealize the notion of love, but there is real-life potential for it in virtually all of us.
- Being realistic should not be confused with being jaded or cynical. Pessimism is another kind of bias. Just because it doesn't showcase things in a rose-tinted light doesn't mean it's presenting things as accurately as it should. Take the good along with the bad.
5
Ask yourself if you have loved before. How can you really know if you have loved before? Because love is intangible by its very nature, there is no one way of knowing for sure. Instead, take your personal definition of love and see if it matches any relationship (romantic or otherwise) you have been in. It may also help to categorize any loves you may have, be they platonic, romantic, familial or otherwise. If you know within reasonable doubt that you have indeed loved before, the act of loving someone should become more straightforward.
- If you don't think you have ever loved before, it is possible your definition of love is too idealistic and strict.
- If you are otherwise sure you have not loved before, the process of learning to love will entail keeping your attention focused on detecting new feelings you have not felt before, or at least a stronger degree of positive emotion than you're used to.

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I love a girl but I am not that good looking. I am not sure if she would love me back.

Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS
Professional Counselor
Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor based in Wisconsin. She specializes in addictions, mental health problems, and trauma recovery. She has worked as a counselor in both community health settings and private practice. She also works as a writer and researcher, with education, experience, and compassion for people informing her research and writing subjects. She received Bachelor’s degrees in Communications and Psychology from the University of Wisconsin, Green Bay. She also earned an MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University.

Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Love doesn’t always rely on a person’s physical appearance. Start off small and slow and see if she responds to invitations to spend time together.

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Love cannot be forced, but it can be felt by practically anyone. The steps in this article shouldn't be seen so much as a way to create love from nothing, so much as a way to identify and recognize the love that is already there.

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Warnings

Don’t use TV shows, movies, or books as an example for what love should be. Instead, look at couples in real life who have been together for many years.

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Love is an abstract concept. Because of that, everyone's definition will be different. This can lead to problems when people talk about love in concrete terms. ^{[17]
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How to Love Someone

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Feeling Love

Expressing Love through Action

Understanding Love

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