Expert Q&A for How to Change Undesirable Personality Traits

The key to effective listening is presence. Before entering a conversation, consciously set the intention to be present with this person. “Being present” entails making eye contact, watching body language, and listening beyond someone’s words to hear their tone. You’ll start picking up on someone’s emotional state, and listening for what they mean (not just what they say). And when you’re busy paying attention to all of these things in the present moment, what you’re not doing is the habit you’re trying to change: talking too much!

Exhale. If you recognize that you’re triggered or stressed, you need to slow yourself down so you don’t act out of reactivity. When you’re stressed, your fight or flight mode puts your amygdala in charge of your actions, which means you’re prone to less thoughtful self-control and more impulsive reactions to emotions. Exhaling activates your parasympathetic nervous system. This moves you from fight or flight to rest and digest mode, when your prefrontal cortex gets to run the show again. So taking a few breaths with a slightly longer exhale than inhale will help you regain access to the higher thinking that your prefrontal cortex is so good at. This “higher thinking” is where you tap into what really matters to you, what’s actually important in the moment, what your long-term intentions are, etc. You’ll literally give yourself access to thinking you can’t execute when you’re in stress! A big mistake people make when thinking about self-control is that they expect to be able to “talk themselves into good/smart behavior” (like “they should do better because they know better”). But when you’re in stress, that’s simply not how your brain is operating. If your amygdala is in charge, you can’t think of things like higher goals and deeper intentions. So make it easier on yourself by making the first step to self-control breathing!

Get present! Anxiety is stress about the future: what might happen, what you could feel, all the scariest stories you can come up with. If you know you’re uncomfortable in social situations, set the intention going in to stay mentally, emotionally, and physically present. Mentally, you can stay aware of your thoughts. It’s amazing how much less powerful a stressful thought becomes when you call it out as “a thought” instead of letting your brain run wild with it unchecked. Emotionally, you can stay non-judgmentally aware of your inner state. You can even notice that you feel the emotion of “anxious” if that’s true. When you notice it without judging it, you create space to allow it. Then the anxiety can come along for the ride without defining or overtaking you. And physically, you can stay aware of your body. Feel your feet on the floor, smell the scent of the air, and become connected to the physical experience of the present moment!

In psychology, “trait” is used to describe a characteristic that is inherent and longstanding, whereas “state” describes a characteristic that is not permanent. Change can happen whether a characteristic is “trait“ or “state“ and depends entirely on the person and their motivation for change.

“Bad” implies a value judgment and can be different based upon one’s culture. In Western cultures, “bad” characteristics can include greed, selfishness, closed-mindedness, meanness, and disregard for the feelings of others.

A “flaw” is a value judgment and depends on the person making the judgment. That said, in Western culture, a personality “flaw” tends to be something contrary to something good about that person. For example, a person may be generous with a flaw of self-centeredness.

In psychology, the five factor model is most often used to cluster personality traits and was developed in 1961 by Earnest Tupes and Raymond Christal. Also known as “The Big Five,” they include openness to experience, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism.