Q&A for How to Give a Spanking

Tell someone you trust about it (like a teacher, counselor, or another adult family member), they can help you get to safety. If you're concerned about your safety at any point, you should just call the police, don't wait to tell someone until after something bad happens.

You must tell a trusted adult immediately, even though they are begging you not to tell. This is abuse and the only way it will stop is if you speak up.

Your parents shouldn't treat you this way and you don't deserve it. Please talk to an adult you trust: a good teacher, a parent of a friend, a clergy member, or someone else. If they do not listen, talk to someone who will. This is a real problem, and a helpful adult can help stop this from happening to you.

I would question if there really is "no reason." Most likely the child feels like a punishment is necessary, and you need to find out why. Another option is that the child finds spanking somehow enjoyable, and in that case you need to know why. This may be an indication of abuse, or perhaps the child just needs physical closeness, a hug, or some time to sit in your lap and read a book together.

No, that's not okay. Many people believe spanking in general is not okay, and even people who support spanking agree that spankings should never be given in anger. Screaming at a child can mean emotional abuse. Your mom should not be screaming at you and hitting you under any circumstances. Please reach out to a trusted teacher, clergy member, or parent of a friend. An adult can help make sure that your mom stops this so you don't have to put up with it anymore.

Do some online research and find some reputable sources that explain when and how spanking can become abusive. (A general rule of thumb is that if a spanking leaves any visible marks besides some temporary redness, it's abuse.) Show these resources to your mom and explain why they're reputable, like if they came from a nationally renowned medical organization.

No, this with likely cause them to lie more to avoid spankings. Instead, remove privileges or ground them.

In the modern, developed world, most children are not spanked at all. In some European countries, spanking is illegal - and decreased spanking rates are correlated with decreased aggression, violence, and crime rates once the children grow up. There are more effective and less harmful ways to discipline a child. See How to Discipline a Child and How to Punish a Child for guidelines.

Yes. Your parents used spanking as a way to show you they were frustrated and angry at you for not calming down in bed. This is abusive. They should have used calming techniques instead of spanking you.

Stop. Being at home with you should never be a terrifying experience for your child. Spanking (especially spanking that causes such severe distress) can lead to serious behavioral and emotional problems, such as lying, hitting (which they learn from you hitting them), anxiety, and depression. Hitting a terrified child can lead to PTSD and may cause worried adults to call child protective services. Look into nonviolent forms of discipline, such as natural consequences, making amends, and using reason. If you are at your wit's end, try walking away and coming back when you are calmer. Anger management classes may also be useful, to teach you better strategies so you never do this again.

It's quite possible. Studies show that people who were spanked as children tend to be more aggressive. (Although if this happened to you, it doesn't mean you're doomed to be aggressive; you can say "it stops with me.") Also, people who were spanked may not know of any other discipline tactics like natural consequences, loss of privileges, time out, or having a conversation with the child.

Yes. Your mom wants you to know that what you did was wrong through spanking, then shows that she loves you by comforting you, then gives you time out or corner time to calm down. This is normal.

Punishing violence with violence will just reinforce to the child that violence is okay. Try other methods.

It is normal for children to cry before, during and after the spanking. They are probably upset and in minor pain. Let them cry it out, and give them love afterward. But stay firm.

No, this is a form of humiliation. Tell a trusted adult soon. Go as far as police or CPS if you must.

You should tell a trusted adult, like a teacher or counselor at school. If your mother is slapping you in the face, then that is abuse.

Scientific research shows that spanking your kids is a bad idea. They're more likely to be violent, and prone to anxiety and depression. They may also engage in antisocial behaviors, like lying, because they fear punishment. Kids who get spanked are worse off overall. Instead of spanking, look for less-violent forms of discipline, like natural consequences, making amends, and using reason. Try reading the research, and reading what good parents use instead of spanking. This can help you learn to handle misbehavior in a positive way that causes learning instead of backside pain.

If you've run out of options, spanking can be an effective last resort. Start by introducing your child to the concept of spanking - explain what it is and why you're considering it for them. Let them know before you do it that it will be their consequence next time they misbehave. Most importantly, remind your child that you love them and aren't trying to hurt them, but that they have to learn to behave. If they respond well to spanking, then have a conversation with them about how you can get the same results from less upsetting punishments.

No, definitely not. You're right to be upset or confused. The general consensus is that leaving bruises or marks on a child is never okay, and some say that all spanking is abuse. Your dad should not be bruising you. Talk to a trusted teacher, clergy member, or other adult who can take you seriously. (If they don't, find an adult who will listen.) It's not okay for your dad to treat you this way, and you don't deserve it.

That's not surprising, because when you spank children, you run the risk of teaching them that it is okay to hit when you are upset with someone. Look into teaching your child not to hit, but recognize it probably won't work unless you start being a role model by not hitting. Try other forms of discipline, like natural consequences, making amends, or logic. You may find it helpful to apologize for spanking them in the past, explain that hitting is wrong no matter who does it, and that you want to start doing better behavior. Children won't respect you if you don't respect them.

Yes. Spanking with an object, like a belt, is illegal in many places and constitutes abuse. Talk to another adult, like teacher or guidance counselor. Tell them what's going on at home.

Spanking is not an effective way to discipline at any age, and may be considered abusive. That said, many people choose to do it anyway, but 16 is way to old to be doing this. Your daughter should be punished in other ways, like taking away her phone or grounding her.

Yes, it was banned in 1979. It was the first country to ban spanking, although now there are more than 50.

That is up for debate. The general consensus is that anything that leaves marks or is done with an object is abuse. To be safe, avoid physical punishments in general.

Not necessarily, but a teenager is really too old to be spanked. I would suggest talking to your parents about finding an alternate method of punishment.

Parents nowadays think back to the "good old days" when children could be spanked with a belt/paddle/spoon/hairbrush whenever they slip up. They don't understand that there are studies linking spanking to mental illnesses and emotional problems later in life. It's about "tradition" and what parents are used to.

Yes. It sounds like he is hitting you very hard. Talk to another adult you trust about it.

Absolutely not. This is considered sexual abuse. Please tell someone at your school about this and contact CPS.

No, this is not appropriate as it shifts the disciplinary responsibility from the parent to another child, whether or not that child is an adult. It also obliges the sibling to view corporal punishment as appropriate when that child should be permitted to work out such child raising issues later in life when they have children, from their own thinking and research. In some jurisdictions, spanking is outlawed, so any person doing it is committing a crime.

Not much. You should never leave marks on a child. In spanking, you run the risk of teaching the child that it is okay to hit other people when you don't like what they do; children who are spanked tend to behave worse and act more aggressively, according to studies. If you are dead-set on spanking, spank lightly. Otherwise, use a nonviolent form of discipline like natural consequences, loss of privileges, time out, or talking to your children about what they did.