Major Signs He Doesn't Want a Relationship with You

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Separate the flings from the boyfriend material with this easy guide
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So, you’ve met a guy and things are going well. But how do you know if he’s really going to respect your time or not? Every solid relationship starts with a mutual understanding that both partners actually want a relationship, so figuring out where a guy stands is pretty key info. Luckily, a lot of people aren’t great at hiding their feelings when they’re into someone, and there are plenty of signs you can look out for to confirm he’s not interested in a serious relationship. Keep an eye out for any of the red flags below to figure out whether or not your guy is actually serious about your future together.
This article is based on an interview with our dating coach, John Keegan. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

  • If a guy isn’t very affectionate or seems distracted when you're together, he's likely not interested in a relationship.
  • If he doesn't bring you around his friends and family and tends to disappear for days at a time, he probably doesn’t want a long-term arrangement.
  • Ask him if you two are dating or not. If he shies away from labels or he’s uncomfortable talking about it, it’s not a great sign (and you deserve better!).
1

He seems distracted when you’re together.

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  1. Does he pull his phone out to check texts when you two are together? Does he stumble through conversations by grunting “uh huh” and “yeah” without really listening? If so, you can do (and deserve to do) better. A guy who wants a relationship will pay attention to you and invest the time.
    • This isn’t to say that a guy should be 100% locked in and focusing on you when you’re together. It’s normal to answer phone calls or occasionally daydream.
    • If he wasn't like this before, this might be an even bigger red flag.
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2

He avoids making long-term plans.

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  1. If he wants a relationship, he’ll casually say things like, “One day we should go on vacation,” or, “Would you ever want to move to New York City?” and whatnot. If you spend at least a few weeks together and he has never mentioned any future or long-term plans (even as passing daydreams!) he may not want a long-term thing.
    • Test the waters with this one. It’s possible he’s just scared to come off as clingy. Try saying, “We should go camping next summer,” or something and see if he reacts positively.
3

He won’t bring you around his friends.

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  1. A guy who wants a relationship is going to be amped to show you off to his friends or introduce you to his folks. Now, it’s no big deal if he hasn’t introduced you to anybody yet and it has only been a few days or weeks, but eventually, this should be something he brings up.
    • Think about the reverse here. Are you super eager to show this guy off to your friends and family? If so, he should feel the same way. If it feels like it’s “too early” though, he might feel the same way.
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4

He flakes or doesn’t show up.

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  1. In a budding relationship that has legs, both people should be more than excited for meetups and dates. Don’t read too much into a single emergency—things do happen from time to time—but this shouldn’t be a reoccurring issue. If he were worth a relationship, he’d show up to hang.
    • When he does end up flaking, he should be extremely apologetic if he cares about building a future with you.
5

He feels emotionally unavailable.

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  1. Even the most inexpressive guys out there should be ready to overshare or answer questions if a person they like probes them for info. If he’s flighty or unwilling to actually share anything or be vulnerable, it’s a big sign he’s not looking for anything long-term.
    • Even if he does want a relationship, an emotionally unavailable guy can be really difficult to date, so it may be irrelevant if he actually wants a relationship depending on your requirements for a significant other.
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6

He never talks about a relationship.

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  1. If a guy wants a relationship, he’s probably going to poke or pry to see if you’re available. At the same time, he should be really interested in discussing the nature of your relationship. If he never probes to see what you think about going steady, it could be a warning sign. [1]
    • Test the waters to see how he reacts to relationship talk. Say something like, “Would you ever want to get hitched?” If he says something like, “No way, I like keeping my options open!” he might not be looking for a relationship.
    • Feeling bold? Just ask him what you two are. Say, “Are we dating? Am I your girlfriend? What’s going on with us?” Put the ball in his court and see what he says.
7

He isn’t into labels.

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  1. A guy who won’t define what you two are while also casually dropping how much he loves and values his freedom is not interested in a long-term arrangement. You deserve someone who will commit and openly accept what you two are. [2]
    • There’s nothing wrong with laying your cards on the table when it’s early in the relationship. Tell him, “Look, I’m looking for a relationship. If you aren’t, that’s fine, but I need to know how you feel.”
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8

He’s only available late at night.

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  1. Does he hit you up during the day to set up weekend plans? Is he receptive? Does he answer the phone to chat after work? If not, ask yourself, does he seem primarily interested in hooking up at night? If so, it’s a major red flag that you’ve got a bona fide player on your hands. [3]
    • There’s absolutely nothing wrong with hooking up with a guy casually if you’re enjoying yourself, but if you do want something serious, the late-night lover boy probably isn’t it.
9

He isn’t into deep convos.

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  1. If you’re unable to peel the layers back and really get into one another’s dreams, hopes, and goals, it could be a sign this guy isn’t into a long-term thing. Conversation should become easier the longer you two hang. At the same time, convo should also become more profound and meaningful.
    • Try asking him how he would spend his time if money were no object, or what he hopes to achieve in his career. If his face lights up and he starts talking, you two may have a serious bond developing!
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10

He isn’t super affectionate.

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  1. If he has ever tried to hold your hand, put his arm around you, or lean his head against your shoulder, it means he wants to feel close to you. This is a huge signal he wants to take things to the next level, so look out for the way he physically acts around you!
    • If his form of “affection” tilts towards the sexual and not the sweet, it says a lot about what his motivations are. Again, there’s nothing wrong with hooking up, but he probably isn’t boyfriend material.
    • If he shows friendly affection but never makes the move or expresses interest in hooking up, that could be a sign he just isn’t interested in you sexually. You might make excellent friends, though!
11

He disappears.

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  1. Unless he’s going through a really tough time at work or school, a man who is interested in you won’t be difficult to reach. He’ll drop things to answer the phone, he won’t forget to text back, and he’ll eagerly agree to hang out when he’s free. [4]
    • One or two delayed texts don’t mean a whole lot if he’s the kind of guy who just isn’t glued to his phone, so don’t read too much into every single delay.
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12

He brings up other partners.

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  1. If he ever casually mentions seeing other people or he brings up his exes, it indicates he isn’t super interested in a serious relationship. If he wanted to date or get into something long-term, he’d act like you’re the only person he’s ever been even moderately interested in. [5]
13

He always has an excuse.

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  1. Whether it’s forgetting to respond to text messages or failing to show up to dinner dates, a guy who wants a serious relationship will show up and be responsive. If he always has a sick pet, the flu, or some other whacky reason for not making you a priority, it’s not a sign he’s serious. [6]
    • Give him a pass for one or two emergencies or unexpected mishaps, but this shouldn’t be a chronic thing.
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14

He doesn’t apologize for letting you down.

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  1. If he ever upsets you, his immediate response should be to apologize. A lack of remorse is a major sign that he doesn’t care about how you feel about him, so pay attention to his reaction whenever things aren’t necessarily going the best. [7]

Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How do you know if a woman doesn't want to date you?
    John Keegan
    Dating Coach
    John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
    John Keegan
    Dating Coach
    Expert Answer
    She's not responding to you at all, or she's told you outright that she doesn't want to be in a relationship. She might also not open up emotionally, talk about her life, share her emotions, or be curious about you and who you are. If a woman wants to be a relationship with you, she'll be invested in getting to know you—if she's not curious, then that's a big red flag that she's not interested.
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      Expert Interview

      Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about relationships, check out our in-depth interview with Chloe Carmichael, PhD .

      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-of-love/201503/10-signs-that-your-lover-is-commitment-phobic
      2. ↑ https://www.yahoo.com/news/person-youre-dating-doesnt-want-label-relationship-214715398.html
      3. ↑ https://www.bolde.com/10-reasons-only-texts-night/
      4. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/signs-he-does-not-care-about-you/
      5. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/signs-manipulation-in-relationships#manipulation-tactics
      6. ↑ https://www.seventeen.com/love/dating-advice/g2889/text-messages-that-prove-hes-just-not-that-into-you/
      7. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/signs-he-does-not-care-about-you/

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