How to Support an Autistic Person

1. 1
   Learn to see patterns in meltdowns. Knowing your loved one's triggers can help you identify a potentially overwhelming situation, and defuse it before stress reaches the boiling point. Consider keeping a record of meltdown triggers to help future prevention.

   • For example, going to a restaurant can be very chaotic for a child. Sometimes removing them from the environment for a few minutes is enough to help them stay relaxed.
2. 2
   Know the warning signs of a meltdown. Meltdowns are the result of stress buildup in autistic people, and the best treatment is prevention. Here are ways to notice when a meltdown may be coming: ^[5]

   • Frustration
   • Having too many verbal instructions given to them at one time.
   • Witnessing injustice
   • Painful/overwhelming stimuli
   • Changes in routine
   • Not being able to understand or communicate effectively
   EXPERT TIP

   Luna Rose

   Community Expert

   Luna Rose is an autistic community member who specializes in writing and autism. She holds a degree in Informatics and has spoken at college events to improve understanding about disabilities. Luna Rose leads wikiHow's Autism Project.

   Luna Rose
   Community Expert

   "Get to know the unique way your friend interacts with the world." Luna Rose, autistic community member, adds: "For example, if your friend has a hard time with loud noise, then maybe it's good to hang out somewhere quiet. Learn the difference between happy rocking and stressed rocking — where their head is down and their ears are covered. The latter is a sign of trouble. Your friend probably needs to leave wherever this place is, because something is not working."
3. 3
   Intervene quickly on behalf of the autistic person. Your loved one may not realize how badly stress is building up, or may be unable to communicate it. Remove any stressors, and ask what is bothering them. ^[6]

   • Take them outside for a break.
   • Get them away from crowds or other stressors.
   • Avoid placing demands on them. If other people are doing so, ask them to give the autistic person a break.
4. 4
   Immediately make the requested accommodations. Autistic people are used to being told that their needs are over-the-top or burdensome, so if they ask for something to change, it's probably causing them real pain or distress.

   • Don't hold their needs hostage. Even if they don't use their words or say please properly, assume that it is urgent. You can coach them on proper delivery when they aren't on the verge of tears.
5. 5
   Take them somewhere calmer. Try bringing them outdoors, or leading them to their calming down corner. This will give them a chance to relax where they aren't surrounded by people and stimuli.
6. 6
   Be calm, patient, and understanding. Never shout at or blame them for a meltdown. They often feel deeply ashamed and embarrassed about losing control, and making them feel worse will only make it more difficult to calm down. ^[7]

   • Avoid crowds or staring people. Ask them to stop it, or get the autistic person somewhere less public.
7. 7
   Encourage safe stimming. Stimming (aka self-stimulatory behavior) is a way to stimulate the senses, and it can be extremely calming for autistic people. Examples include rocking, hand flapping, jumping, and fidgeting. Here are some ways to encourage the autistic person to stim: ^[8]

   • Offer a rocking chair (if available)
   • Bring their favorite stim toys and/or a weighted blanket.
   • Ask about a stim that they like to use for self-calming (e.g. "Do you want to flap your arms?")
   • Offer a bear hug
   • Do not judge them for looking unusual, and if anyone else objects to the autistic person's self-calming efforts, use your words or a sharp stare to let them know that this is unacceptable
   EXPERT TIP

   Luna Rose

   Community Expert

   Luna Rose is an autistic community member who specializes in writing and autism. She holds a degree in Informatics and has spoken at college events to improve understanding about disabilities. Luna Rose leads wikiHow's Autism Project.

   Luna Rose
   Community Expert

   If you're unsure what their body language means, ask. Luna Rose, community expert, tells us: "Some of it is just about getting to know them as an individual. Be open, helpful and don't be afraid to ask. If you're confused about body language you can just say: 'Are you doing that because something's bothering you? Are you just having fun?'"
8. 8
   Once your loved one is calm again, touch base, and find out what triggered the meltdown. Encourage an honest, constructive conversation. Focus on the triggers, and what they (and you!) could do to avoid similar situations in the future.

   • If a crowded store sends your daughter into tears, try planning the trip when the store will be less crowded, bringing earplugs and stim toys, or letting them stay at home.
   • If news of a violent attack triggered a meltdown in your brother, suggest to your parents that they not leave the news on at night, and help him with relaxation exercises.
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1. 1
   Recognize that communication may be challenging. Autistic body language can be different from non-autistic body language, and autistic people may not always realize what an expression or gesture means. ^[9]

   • Don't expect eye contact. Autistic people often pay attention better when they don't have to look at people's eyes.
   • Expect fidgeting and unusual movements.
   • Learn your loved one's baseline, and what their unique body language means.
2. 2
   Don't stress over tone and body language. Due to this confusion about body language, an autistic person will more than likely not produce body language that matches the way she is feeling. This is also the case with tone. Because of this, it is important to remind yourself not to read into or be offended by any rude tone or body language that is directed at you. ^[10]

   • For example, your loved one’s tone may seem short and rude, yet they may be in a fantastic mood.
   • Watching their stims may offer cues. For example, if a boy only flaps his hands when he is happy, then this is probably a reliable sign that nothing is actually wrong.
   • Even if they are upset, it may not be your fault. For example, a barking dog may have been putting them on edge all day.
   EXPERT TIP

   Luna Rose

   Community Expert

   Luna Rose is an autistic community member who specializes in writing and autism. She holds a degree in Informatics and has spoken at college events to improve understanding about disabilities. Luna Rose leads wikiHow's Autism Project.

   Luna Rose
   Community Expert

   Know it's OK to ask. Luna Rose, autistic community member, adds: "A lot of it comes down to understanding, and to get there you need to not be afraid to ask questions. I think some people are worried that they'll say something wrong, but intent matters a lot. If you make it clear that your goal is to understand better and to be helpful, that you know, your friend probably will not mind answering those questions."
3. 3
   Realize that auditory processing can be an issue. This means that while the autistic person is fully capable of understanding language, it may be hard for their brain to translate spoken words to their meanings as quickly as you can. Gauge their reaction to verbal instructions or long lists. They may need written instructions, or she may just require more processing time before responding. ^[11]

   • They may be unable to remember spoken lists, and need written and/or illustrated lists as well.
   • Give them time to think and process. They may be slower to respond.
   • They may be better at reading and writing than at handling spoken conversation.
4. 4
   Try to create a calm space to communicate in. Your loved one may have a hard time communicating in busy places where there is a lot of noise. In places where multiple people are talking, your loved one may become stressed and overwhelmed. Instead, communicate with them in calm environments where little is going on. ^[12]

   • If a room is crowded, move elsewhere.
   • Try using AAC if you cannot move (e.g. sign language, picture charts, or typing).
5. 5
   Consider focus training to improve social skills. Focus training is a training course the can help your loved one to develop strategies for interactions with other people. This type of training teaches individuals how to understand thoughts and feelings. Focus training is generally done in a group setting, though it can also be done in an individual session. During the therapy, your loved one will hopefully develop strategies for emotional regulation, conversational skills, problem solving, and friendship skills. ^[13]

   • Relationship Development Intervention (RDI) is a popular form.
   • Not all social skills groups teach useful skills. For example, if your gay teen's social skills group focuses on heteronormativity, this is not helpful.
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1. 1
   Teach calming techniques. According to the "Intense World" theory of autism, the world can quickly become frightening or overwhelming to autistic people, and they may need extra support in learning to handle it. These exercises may include:

   • Practicing deep breathing ^[14]
   • Counting to feel calm
   • Holding a favorite toy or item until she feels better
   • Certain stims
   • Yoga, meditation, or stretching
   • Taking a break with music or singing
2. 2
   Teach your loved one to prevent meltdowns by asking for help. Phrases such as "I need a break, please" or "May I go to my corner?" can be particularly useful. Avoiding meltdowns becomes easier once your loved one can identify their own triggers and ask for help in taking action.

   • Reinforce this behavior by immediately honoring the request.
   • If they are just learning how to do this, thank them for speaking up. "Thank you for letting me know that the loud noise hurt your ears! Now I can help you find earplugs, and you can wait outside with your brother while I check out."
3. 3
   Teach children about emotions using flash cards, books, and movies. Fictional examples can help autistic people understand how others feel, and why they feel that way. It allows autistic people to analyze emotion from a safer distance.

   • If the child does not understand basic expressions, try teaching them with flash cards.
   • Ask "How do you think this character is feeling right now?" during books or movies. Offer suggestions if the person isn't sure.
   • Also try social skills: "Do you think it was a good idea for her to do that? No? What would be a good idea?"
   • Look for shows that are a mix of fun and education, such as My Little Pony.
4. 4
   Set realistic social goals. Recognize that your loved one is never going to be the life of the party, and that is all right. Focus on what they want to do: perhaps they want to make two close friends, or have someone to play with at recess. Tailor social skills to their desires, not just your own.
5. 5
   Teach a child about talking about their special interests. Autistic children may be incredibly passionate about their interests, and thus may not always notice when they are monopolizing the conversation, or realize that their partner wants to change the subject. Teach your child how to:

   • Ask questions to engage others ("How was work today, Mommy?")
   • Tell whether someone is busy
   • Gauge whether someone is interested
   • Let the conversation shift organically
   • Listen
   • Know when monologuing is a good idea (e.g. when someone wants to learn about their subject of interest)
6. 6
   Model good social skills. Remember, the autistic person is constantly learning and growing, and you are one of their role models. Behave in the way that you want them to behave, and they will take after you.

   • Genuinely listen to the autistic person, and ask questions.
   • When frustrated or exhausted, act the way you would like the autistic person to act. Take a break if need be. (It's okay!)
   • Demonstrate compassion. Never do something to an autistic person that you wouldn't do to a non-autistic person.
   • Treat their feelings as meaningful and valid.
7. 7
   Offer praise readily. Autistic people are at higher risk for anxiety and depression, which may mean lower self-esteem. Bolster their self-esteem by recognizing their good qualities, and praising their efforts to grow. Make it clear that you are proud of them. ^[15]

   • Praise can come in the form of kind words, hugs, time spent together, or extra free time.
   • While praise is good, do not treat praise as an ultimate goal. If a person becomes dependent on praise, they may become a people-pleaser , and be unable to set boundaries.
8. 8
   Teach self-advocacy skills. Autistic people need to learn how to stand up for themselves, assert their needs , and say "no" when they don't want something. This is especially important, since they are at a higher risk for being abused. ^[16]

   • Allow them to refuse things. ("I don't want that sweater. It hurts!")
   • Praise them for expressing their needs. ("Thank you for letting me know the music is too loud. I'll turn it down right away.")
   • Give them choices and encourage thinking.
   • Avoid compliance therapies, which can hinder their ability to say no.
   • When your loved one says "no," listen. What's wrong? If something is unavoidable, can you remove the part that makes it distasteful, or strike a bargain that they are happy with? Only ignore a "no" in important cases of health or safety.
   • Teens and adults may gain skills through self-advocacy groups such as ASAN or the Autism Women's Network. (However, be careful about introducing them to such groups if they are sensitive, since the issues of hatred, abusive therapy, ^{[17] [18]} and torture ^[19] may disrupt their sleep.)
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Understanding autism is a difficult task, because autism is a complex disability and every autistic person is unique.

1. 1
   Recognize that autism is a deeply complex spectrum. Autism has a wide range of aspects that vary from person to person. Since autism is a developmental disability, communication and social skills tend to be a challenge. Specific symptoms vary. ^[20]

   • Autism is not a linear spectrum from "mild" to "severe." It impacts many different areas in different ways. For example, maybe your friend is funny and great at cheering people up, and has serious difficulty with self-care and sensory processing. An autistic person can be strong in one area and weak in another.
2. 2
   Consider your loved one’s specific strengths and challenges. It is important to understand your loved one's symptoms. Once you understand where the challenges lie, you can target those areas. Find out what strengths your loved one has, and what challenges they face. All of these components are important when choosing treatment options and coping mechanisms.
3. 3
   Be knowledgeable about autism. It is good to know the general signs, and what autistic people think about autism. (Autistic-run organizations and blogs are usually good sources.) Here are a few signs of autism: ^[21]

   • Motor skills may be delayed
   • Difficulty understanding and interacting with others
   • Difficulty grasping abstract uses of language (e.g. sarcasm, metaphors)
   • Special interests that are unusual in terms of focus and passion
   • Over- or under-sensitivity to various stimuli (sounds, sights, smells, etc.)
   • Difficulty with self care
   • Repetitive behavior, notably stimming
4. 4
   Understand that every autistic person's goals are different. One autistic person might want to focus on developing the self-care skills to live on their own, while another might want to make friends. Others might be perfectly fine with living in assisted living, or not making more friends. Recognize that your idea of the ideal lifestyle might differ from their idea, and it's most important that they are able to be happy.
5. 5
   Accept them as they are. Autistic people are not embarrassing, broken, or deficient—simply different. Instead of saying "I'll finally be happy when my loved one _____," practice being happy now, and embarking on your journey together. Demonstrate unconditional love, so they can love themselves.
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