How to Know if Someone Is Your Friend

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Questions to ask yourself to figure out if they’re a real friend
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So, when it comes down to it, what is a friend, and how can you know that someone is your friend or not? A friend is someone you feel completely comfortable around. It’s someone who is loyal, supportive, honest, and caring towards you. In other words, it’s someone you can count on. We spoke with mental health experts and put together a list of questions you can ask yourself to find out if someone is truly a friend. If you answer “yes” to most or all of these questions, you’ve got a true friend for life.

How can you tell if someone is your friend?

You can tell someone is your friend if they make you feel loved and safe, value your time, and support you. A true friend is loyal, encouraging, and dependable. You can rely on them, and you know they’ll never judge you. You feel comfortable and happy around them—you can be yourself without any worry.

1

Are they loyal to you?

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  1. Friends are typically loyal to one another, meaning they shouldn’t betray you and you shouldn’t betray them. It’s hard for two people to be friends and not ever let one another down, but betrayals shouldn’t be standard in the relationship. [1]
    • If this person talks about you behind your back, spreads rumors about you, or disappoints you repeatedly in other ways, they probably aren’t your friend. [2]
    • A good friend should value you as a person, not view your friendship as a series of transactions, explains psychologist Christy Irvine. [3]
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2

Do they keep your secrets?

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  1. If you know you can tell them private information and it won’t get back to anyone but you, they’re a good friend. [4] If they can’t keep their lips sealed, they may not be a super great friend.
3

Do they have your back during hard times?

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  1. When you go through a breakup, lose a loved one, or have a setback, you can count on your friends to be there. If someone is truly your friend, they won’t be around for only the good times—they’ll be by your side to face it all. [5]
    • Think about a time when you were having a really hard time. Was this person there for you? Did they offer you support when you needed it most?
    • A fake friend typically only sticks around when things are going well. They might even think or say that your problems are a burden to them.
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4

Are they happy when you achieve your goals?

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  1. Friendship shouldn’t be full of jealousy or competition. A friend should want to celebrate you no matter what! Rather than tearing you down, they’ll lift you up, even if it means sacrificing something themselves. [6]
    • For example, if you make the basketball team and they don’t, they won’t spite you because of it. Instead, they’ll cheer you on at games and work around your practice schedule.
5

Do they make time for you?

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  1. If you know you can call on this person and they’ll come running, they’re likely a friend. Good friends prioritize their pals, even if it means going out of their way. [7]
    • For example, even if a friend is away on vacation, they’ll still make time to text or check in on you if they know you’re sick.
    • This goes both ways. If you call someone your “friend” but never seem to have time for them, you may need to reassess how important the friendship is to you.

    Curious to know how you prioritize your friendships? Take our “What’s My Friendship Style?” quiz !

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6

Do you enjoy spending time together?

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  1. No matter if you are bored at home watching TV or painting the town red, if you enjoy the activity more because they’re with you, chances are they’re an awesome friend. [8]
7

Do you feel happy around them?

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  1. Feeling joyful is one of the many benefits of friendship! When you’re with them, you don’t feel drained or stressed out. You feel content, comfortable, and happy. [9]
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8

Do you have deep conversations?

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  1. If a true friend asks, “How’s it going?” you’re not pressured to respond with “Fine” when you’re not. You feel comfortable around them—you can tell them anything, no matter how troubling. They’re someone you can go to for advice or simply a listening ear. [11] Therapist Ebony Eubanks says that a true friend “accepts that person for who they are, and not who they want them to be.” [12]
    • This is called self-disclosure . You are more likely to disclose intimate details about yourself with a friend than you are with a total stranger or casual acquaintance.
9

Do they really know and accept you?

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  1. If someone is your friend, you have the luxury of showing them your true self. You know that they’ll love and accept you for who you are. [13]
    • A true friend doesn’t want to change who you are. They accept and embrace everything about you, even your awkward and silly parts! Friends don’t have to agree with everything you say or do, but they won’t try to change you.
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10

Do they make you a better person?

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  1. They don’t influence you to make bad choices or create drama. Instead, they uplift and encourage you while being honest (even when it hurts). [14]
    • For example, a friend might push you to finish school, suggest you mend fences with estranged relatives, or inspire you to give back to others.
11

Do they listen to you?

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  1. You can both equally talk to each other in a true friendship. You can share details about your life knowing they’ll listen wholeheartedly, and vice versa. [15]
    • Good listening skills in a friend are important because you need to feel heard and understood by the people you care about.
    • Pay attention in your next conversation. Does your friend take the time to hear your message before responding?
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12

Do they respect your boundaries?

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  1. A good friend willingly acknowledges and respects your boundaries. While they might push you out of your comfort zone every now and then, they won’t do so without your consent. You don’t have to compromise your comfort or values to hang out with them. [16]
    • For example, if you tell a friend that you don’t feel comfortable with them reading your diary or journal, they should respect your wishes.
13

Do they support you?

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  1. They’re willing to clap for you when you succeed and help nurse your wounds when you’re hurt. All in all, they’re there for you no matter what, and they improve your self-worth . [17]
    Brene Brown, Author & Professor of Social Work

    Real friends celebrate each other. "Good friends aren’t afraid of your light. They never blow out your flame and you don’t blow out theirs—even when it’s really bright and it makes you worry about your own flame."

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14

Are they forgiving?

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  1. When you mess up, they understand that you’re only human. They might not always agree with you, but they can forgive you and be empathetic. [19]
    • For example, if you forget to call a friend back, they won’t avoid you for several days. Instead, they might make a joke and continue on with the friendship. They don’t hold your mistake against you.
15

Are they honest with you?

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  1. They rarely keep secrets from you, and while they may sugarcoat some things, they won’t ever let you leave the house in a hideous outfit. [20]
    • For example, they may give you constructive feedback, such as, “You need to get up and study for your math test. Your grade is already low…Come on. I’ll help you.”
    • Reader Poll: We asked 1411 wikiHow readers, and 56% agreed that the best way to handle conflicts in your relationship is to work through conflicts until you find a resolution together . [Take Poll]
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16

Can you trust them?

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  1. Real friendships are those you can rely heavily on. You can trust them to keep your secrets and accept who you are. You don’t have to lie to them in order to feel comfortable. You can go to them when you need help, a shoulder to cry on, or just someone to talk to. [21]
    • This trust can be as simple as knowing they’ll keep the secret of who your crush is to as serious as being someone you can go to when you’ve experienced a great loss.
17

Do they let you do you?

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  1. They feel confident enough in your friendship that they don't have to resort to any sort of manipulative control. [22] They understand that you’re not their only friend, and they may even encourage you to hang out with other people from time to time.
    • If they get jealous or annoyed that you spend time with others, they’re likely not a true friend.
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  • Question
    A friend hurt me really bad! I tried to forgive them but they constantly treat me different in front of others! They won't call or talk to me unless I do it first and they say they busy
    Tasha Rube, LMSW
    Licensed Master Social Worker
    Tasha Rube is a Licensed Social Worker based in Kansas City, Kansas. Tasha is affiliated with the Dwight D. Eisenhower VA Medical Center in Leavenworth, Kansas. She received her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Missouri in 2014.
    Tasha Rube, LMSW
    Licensed Master Social Worker
    Expert Answer
    It sounds like that this may not be a true friend to you, and it may be in your best interest to find someone who will reciprocate to you the respect of friendship that you deserve.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
    Yes No
    Not Helpful 12 Helpful 126
  • Question
    My friend never comes to me when I'm sad or crying, but she says she likes me
    Tasha Rube, LMSW
    Licensed Master Social Worker
    Tasha Rube is a Licensed Social Worker based in Kansas City, Kansas. Tasha is affiliated with the Dwight D. Eisenhower VA Medical Center in Leavenworth, Kansas. She received her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Missouri in 2014.
    Tasha Rube, LMSW
    Licensed Master Social Worker
    Expert Answer
    A true friend will always be around for you during good times, bad times, and really dark times. If you see that this is not occurring in your relationship with your friend, perhaps its time to move on.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
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    Not Helpful 15 Helpful 110
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/invisible-bruises/202302/what-makes-a-good-friend
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/lifetime-connections/201503/the-13-essential-traits-good-friends
      3. ↑ Christy Irvine, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 9 April 2021.
      4. ↑ http://www.seventeen.com/life/friends-family/a40140/signs-someone-isnt-really-your-friend/
      5. ↑ https://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/08/16/when-friends-disappear-during-a-health-crisis/
      6. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/making-good-friends
      7. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/making-good-friends
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/lifetime-connections/201503/the-13-essential-traits-good-friends
      9. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/making-good-friends
      1. ↑ Christy Irvine, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 9 April 2021.
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/give-and-take/201407/do-you-know-who-your-real-friends-are
      3. ↑ Ebony Eubanks, MSW, ACSW, CAMS-II. Therapist. Expert Interview. 16 Jun 2022.
      4. ↑ http://www.seventeen.com/life/friends-family/a40140/signs-someone-isnt-really-your-friend/
      5. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/making-good-friends
      6. ↑ http://www.seventeen.com/life/friends-family/a40140/signs-someone-isnt-really-your-friend/
      7. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/making-good-friends
      8. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/making-good-friends
      9. ↑ Adam Dorsay, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker. Expert Interview. 23 May 2019.
      10. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201503/the-13-essential-traits-good-friends
      11. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/give-and-take/201407/do-you-know-who-your-real-friends-are
      12. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/making-good-friends
      13. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/making-good-friends

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      To tell if someone is your friend, think about how it feels when you spend time together. Do you enjoy each other’s company? Are you able to open up and be yourself around them? Do you often have deep conversations? If so, they are probably a friend. Friends are also respectful and supportive. Think about whether the other person celebrates your successes, is there for you when you’re having a hard time, and makes time for you even when they’re busy. On the other hand, someone who’s usually not there for you, says unkind things, or doesn’t respect your boundaries is not a good friend. For more tips from our Social Work co-author, like how to tell if your friend respects your boundaries, keep reading!

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