I fell for this boy at first glance. But he probably always looked at me like glass. The blue eyes were light in the sky when he was happy. Dark as the ocean when he was sad. He has this smile that sinks into your heart and makes you turn lost. His gentleness. I never had someone really. But when I saw him I felt cared for.<br><br>He is smart, funny, hardworking, devoted, and kind. I saw him for his flaws. And the way he made me feel. When I first saw him I never saw something so hurt inside but well put together. I saw that pain that others overlooked. That was 7th grade.<br><br>In 8th grade I watched him fall for another girl. That only liked him for his looks. And that hurt the most seeing him love someone that was not me. But he probably didn't;t even know my name. Connor deserves a lot more I tell myself. Instead of a girl that had anger issues and treated him like trash.9th grade. He finally said my name. Now everytime he says it I sink. That was the year I found out we had something in common: we both don't have mothers. We both were searching for a way to fill that emptiness. Now I could put a pin point on that hurt. That is when I would say the obsession started. When I started to care more about my appearance. Would make sure he was listening. Then I started to turn the little things into a big thing. Like he looked at me and I fell harder. Or our hands touched and it felt like I was watching fireworks on fourth July except they came from my heart. I told him I liked him and his friend. That when I kept chasing I would say.<br><br>10th grade. It got harder. The feeling felt impossible. That is when I was able to fully say I love you. But I didn't tell him.<br><br>This year. I sat next to him a couple months ago. We had to because the teacher always signs us next to each other.<br><br>Dec 6. I was in a relationship for the first time. And All I thought about was him. And that relationship was horrible because that dude said I couldn't leave him if I tried and that we were going to get married. We dated for two weeks. Guess who I told about it. to get help to get out Connor.<br><br>Dec 28. I told Connor this "I love you I never meant to fall this hard or even this way I did tho. But Connor I feel for your caring, how smart you are, how hardworking you are. And since the day I met you I saw your pain. And I love you to the point it actually hurts me. And I hope one day I learn to stop so it doesn't hurt anymore" Then the bell rang. He was almost in tears. Then I gave him space. Then our conversation about dirt bikes and trucks and four wheels started again.<br><br>Then Around in march he started to get a little too friendly I guess you could say with Mia and Izzy the girls that threw my sketchbook across the room and broke the spin. So I had to buy a new sketchbook which isn't cheap. He drove Miah home. And the what if ran threw my mind. Like what if they hook up. And so I left him after that.<br><br>But it was 3 weeks later and I noticed him looking and waiting to see my reaction. But I could be making it up to be something not. We walk and talk. About things when we could. So today at the end of the school day walking to our trucks I asked " Connor, how would you feel if you never saw me again." He replied "Not too bad."<br><br>Now I am sitting here crying. And wondering what to do. It started four years ago. All my family says you're too young to know what love is or anything. I think I know what it is like when my mother abandoned me. Deep down I want someone to love me and fight for me the way I do. Really I don't know what to do. I want the best for Connor. But I just don't know how to move on. I tried it all so maybe y'all can help