A Sexless Marriage: When to Leave, Common Causes, and Fixes

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A sexless marriage can take a toll on your relationship if it bothers you or your partner. You might feel alone, but it’s really common for couples to go through dry spells or to lose intimacy. [1] You can rekindle your relationship and regain intimacy, but it’s also okay to leave if you feel like your relationship is over. We’ll help you figure out whether or not it’s time to walk away from your sexless marriage. Additionally, we’ll explain the causes of a sexless marriage and what you can do to save your marriage.

When to Walk Away from a Sexless Marriage

While dry spells are normal in relationships, there is no obligation to stay in a partnership that isn't making you happy anymore. If your problems go beyond lack a of sex (criticism, contempt, lost trust, etc.) and one or both of you is unwilling to work on the relationship, it may be time to walk away.

1

Is it okay to get divorced over a sexless marriage?

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  1. On the one hand, you don’t have to stay in a relationship that isn’t making you happy anymore. If you've tried to rekindle intimacy and nothing has worked, you might decide to walk away. Lack of physical intimacy is a common reason for divorce, so do what feels right to you. At the same time, this could just be a temporary issue. [2]
    • Every couple decides how much sex is right for them. There's no "normal" amount of sex to have with your partner. You and your partner could just be happy having less sex, and that's okay.
    • Talking to a therapist can help you figure out if you want to work on your relationship or walk away.
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2

Signs It's Time to Walk Away

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  1. Not having sex can be a big problem if you’re not satisfied. But that’s not the only thing that can drive you apart. If you have other issues, it might be time to reconsider your relationship. Aside from lack of intimacy, here are some common issues that lead to breakups: [3]
    • Criticism
    • Contempt for each other
    • Refusing to take responsibility
    • Feeling unloved
    • Lost trust
    • Infidelity
    • Abuse
  2. All couples have problems from time to time. When something comes up, you and your partner need to talk to each other and find a compromise. If your partner refuses to acknowledge the problem, you could find yourself at a standstill. [4] If this happens, you might decide to walk away from the relationship.
    • Tell your partner what you need from them. Say, “I want us to talk to a counselor because I’m worried our relationship is in danger,” or “Our lack of intimacy really bothers me, and I want us to figure out how to make things better.”
  3. It’s totally normal for people to change over time. Ideally, both partners will learn and grow together. Sometimes, that doesn’t quite work out, and people grow apart. [5] To see if this might be your problem, compare who you and your partner were when you got married to who you are now.
    • You might have a problem if your partner has started abusing you or you have different values. Similarly, you might decide to leave if your partner violates one of your personal deal breakers.
  4. When you got married, you probably had a hot-and-heavy spark between you. Over time, that can fade away, and sometimes you realize that you aren’t actually compatible in the bedroom. That’s okay! If it bothers you, though, it might be best for you to focus on your needs and leave the relationship. [6]
    • This can happen when one of you has a fetish the other one doesn’t feel comfortable fulfilling. Similarly, you may just not have a good rhythm or may not fit well together.
  5. You can totally overcome infidelity in your relationship. At the same time, you might decide you aren’t interested in repairing your marriage and you’d rather move on. Make the decision that’s right for you because your happiness is what’s important. [7]
    • If you want to work on your relationship, seeing a counselor is super important. They can help you communicate about what led to the affair and how to improve your relationship going forward.
  6. It’s never okay to weaponize sex in your relationship. Withholding sex can be a manipulative tactic, as well as a sign that your partner is holding in anger. [8] If you feel like your partner is doing this, talk to them about it so they’re aware of the problem. After the talk, you might decide to end things if they don’t change.
    • “I feel like you turn me down for sex because you’re mad at me. Can we talk about this?”
    • “When you push me away, it makes me feel like you’re trying to get back at me. Can we discuss that?”
    • “I feel like you stop having sex with me when I don’t do what you want. Are you willing to talk about it?”
  7. Couples counseling can usually help you improve your relationship. However, it doesn’t work for everyone. [9] If things aren’t changing, you might decide it’s time to move on.
    • Your therapist can actually help you decide if it’s time to end your relationship. Talk to them about how you’re feeling. Say, “Do you think it makes sense to keep trying?” or “I wanted to get your advice about potentially separating.”
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3

What causes a sexless marriage?

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  1. Physical intimacy often declines when your emotional connection fades. Reconnect with your partner by talking more and having fun together. [10]
  2. Some people have a really high libido, while others have a low libido. There’s nothing wrong with having a different libido than your partner. If this is the case for you, learn how to cope with different libidos so you’re both happy. [11]
  3. Life gets really hectic, and you might find yourself exhausted. Things like money trouble and an imbalance in household responsibilities can also drain your libido. Try taking time to de stress .
  4. Your body changes as you age and as you adjust to married life. It’s normal to feel less sexy than you did before. When this happens, improving your confidence can help.
  5. Good communication is essential for a strong relationship, but it’s hard for a lot of people. Opening up about your thoughts and feelings will bring you closer together, but keeping quiet will drive you apart. [12]
  6. There are lots of reasons why you or your partner could experience issues like erectile dysfunction or pain during sex. If this is the problem in your relationship, your doctor might be able to help. This is a common experience, and your sex life can get better. [13]
  7. Pregnancy takes a huge toll on your body, and both partners can struggle with the stress of having a baby. Similarly, parenting is super demanding, and it’s hard to have sex with children in the next room. At the same time, it’s important to have alone time for just yourself. [14]
  8. Low libido can be caused by some medical conditions and treatments. In some cases, your doctor can help you find ways to raise your libido.
  9. Both depression and grief can drain all of your energy and make you lose interest in activities you normally like, including sex. Your libido may return to normal in time as you feel better. Go ahead and talk to your doctor, though, because they can help. [15]
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4

How to Deal with a Sexless Marriage

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  1. to get professional advice. Your therapist can help you learn to communicate better, which allows you to discuss your sexual needs. Additionally, they’ll help you understand your problems and suggest ways to fix them. Ask your partner if they’ll go to therapy with you to help improve your relationship. [16]
    • “Lately, I’ve noticed our relationship is on the decline. I was hoping you’d go to counseling with me so we can repair it.”
    • “I’ve really missed the intimacy we used to have. Would you be willing to go to couple’s counseling with me to help reignite our spark?”
  2. Sexting helps build sexual tension between you, and it gets you both in the frame of mind for intimacy. When you’re apart, tell each other what you hope to do when you see each other later. You could also send a suggestive photo or use innuendo.
    • “I can’t wait to get my hands on you later.”
    • “I’m just picturing you getting out of the shower this morning.”
    • “Do you like my new underwear?”
    • “You’re making it so hard to focus on work.”
  3. When you’re married, it’s easy to let dating fall by the wayside. Most couples experience this, but it’s really easy to get back in the swing of things. Schedule regular date nights so you and your partner can reconnect and have fun together. Tell each other about your lives and what you’re interested in right now. You’ll grow closer, and it’ll help you have more desire for each other. [17]
    • Enjoying time with each other builds emotional intimacy, which helps improve your physical intimacy. Focus on learning more about each other because it'll bring you closer together.
  4. You can’t pleasure each other if you don’t know what you each like. [18] That being said, you may feel uncomfortable discussing sex, even with your partner. If that’s the case, try talking in the dark or exchanging written notes.
    • “I want you to put whipped cream on me.”
    • “I like to give foot massages before sex.”
    • “I want to try bondage.”
  5. It might not sound romantic, but planning your sexcapades can be super sexy. It allows you time to anticipate the encounter, which builds tension, and gives you more time for the deed. Work with your partner to create a schedule that works for both of you. [19]
    • You might make every Saturday night your “sex” night.
    • If you have kids, you might schedule sex on a day when all of your kids are busy with an activity or when it’s most convenient to get a sitter.
  6. Every relationship eventually becomes predictable. Trying new things can help you break out of your routine and spice things up. [20] Make a list of things you both want to try, then start checking things off. You could try:
    • Role playing.
    • Bondage.
    • Filming yourself.
    • Feeding each other strawberries or chocolates.
    • Whipped cream.
    • Using toys.
    • Switching your positions.
    • Bringing a third person into the bedroom.
    • If you decide to introduce a third person into your sex life, try using dating apps to advertise for this type of relationship.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 256 wikiHow readers and 55% of them named Tinder as their favorite online dating platform. [Take Poll] So that one might work for you, too!
  7. Just being near each other helps build emotional intimacy, so make a point to spend time together. Everyday routines like cooking or running errands are a great time to bond. Just do things together. [21]
    • Go for a walk after dinner.
    • Cook together.
    • Fold the laundry together.
    • Go grocery shopping together.
    • Take a shower together.
  8. You’re such a catch, but it’s easy to forget that. Building your self-confidence improves your sex life because it can raise your libido. [22] Start doing things that make you feel sexier so you feel better about yourself. [23] You might:
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How do I encourage my partner to have sex?
    Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over twelve years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.
    Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Expert Answer
    Spend more time together talking and having fun. Really focus on learning more about each other, even if you've been together for a while. Enjoying your time together will bring you closer emotionally, which can lead to more physical intimacy. At the same time, don't pressure them to be intimate because it'll make them pull away more.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/speaking-about-trauma/202202/what-really-goes-in-sexless-marriages
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/relationships/the-end-relationships
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/relationships/the-end-relationships
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/irrelationship/202202/what-do-when-your-partner-wont-work-your-relationship
      5. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/change-in-relationships-what-to-do-when-your-partner-changes
      6. ↑ https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/keep-the-spark-alive-in-your-marriage
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/relationships/the-end-relationships
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201904/signs-serious-relationship-problems
      9. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3490822/
      1. ↑ https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/keep-the-spark-alive-in-your-marriage
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/speaking-about-trauma/202202/what-really-goes-in-sexless-marriages
      3. ↑ https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/keep-the-spark-alive-in-your-marriage
      4. ↑ https://www.urologyhealth.org/urology-a-z/e/erectile-dysfunction-(ed)
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-myths-of-sex/202309/how-common-are-sexless-marriages
      6. ↑ https://healthtalk.unchealthcare.org/how-depression-can-affect-sexual-health/
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201904/signs-serious-relationship-problems
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/putting-psyche-back-psychotherapy/201908/the-fatigue-long-term-relationships
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/intimately-connected/202111/why-sexual-desire-is-so-important-relationship
      10. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201811/spontaneous-vs-scheduled-sex
      11. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/when-you-your-partner-start-growing-apart#2
      12. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/speaking-about-trauma/202202/what-really-goes-in-sexless-marriages
      13. ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/self-image/
      14. ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/self-confidence/

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