11 Reasons Why Your Ex Might Want to Stay Friends

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Discover why your ex wants a platonic relationship and how you can navigate this new dynamic
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No one likes going through a breakup. But when your ex reaches out after and asks if you can still be friends, you might find yourself questioning their motives a bit. Do they really want to strike up a platonic relationship, or are they after something else? The good thing is that you’re not alone: lots of people are wondering why an ex would ever want to be friends so badly. That’s why we’ve compiled everything you’ll need to decide whether or not to stay friends with your ex.

Things You Should Know

  • Your ex might want to be friends if they’re trying not to hurt your feelings or they want the breakup to be amicable.
  • They might also want to be friends if they want to get back together with you or hook up with you.
  • Before becoming friends with your ex, decide if they can respect your boundaries and remain friendly instead of romantic.
  • If you do decide to stay friends with an ex, set clear boundaries and maintain a platonic relationship with them.
Section 1 of 4:

Reasons Your Ex Wants to Be Friends

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  1. When you’re in a relationship with someone, you get to lean on them when you’re feeling down. If your ex still wants to be friends, they might realize all the positives that you brought to your life. They may still want a friendship so you can help support them, even if it’s not in a romantic way. [1]
  2. If you and your ex were friends before you dated, they might want to get back to that dynamic. Maybe you both realized that you’d be better off as friends, and a platonic relationship just makes sense.
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  3. Maybe your ex feels bad about your breakup, so they offer friendship as a way to bridge the gap. They might do this if they can tell you’re feeling really down about the end of the relationship. [2]
  4. If your ex wants an amicable breakup, they might have suggested a friendship just so things don’t get rocky. You can tell this is the case if your ex was the one to initiate the breakup—they probably just don’t want you to hate them. [3]
  5. Breakups come with a lot of change, and losing you from their life might be one they just can’t handle. If your ex seems like they’re freaking out about all the adjustments they’re going to have to make, they might want to keep you in their life as a constant. [4]
  6. Keeping the peace in a friend group is a big consideration for a lot of people. Maybe your ex knows they’re bound to see you at a gathering or a party in the future, so they want to be friends to avoid any awkwardness. Or, they might just want to keep your friend group together instead of forcing them to choose sides. [5]
  7. Sometimes, staying friends is easier when you have children or shared assets together. If you and your ex already have to be in contact, then they might want to be friends just to keep things amicable. [6]
  8. Yes, it’s true: there are some times when an ex remains friends because they’re secretly hoping you’ll take them back. If your ex realizes that they regret the breakup or they want to wait for you, then they might suggest a friendship just to stay in your life. [7]
  9. Friends with benefits (FWB) often engage in sexual activity, but they don’t have a romantic relationship together (think “no strings attached”). If your ex was super happy with your sex life, they might be hoping that you two can just hook up. [8]
    • Starting a healthy FWB situation is possible, but it’s not usually a good idea to try it with an ex. Typically, one person will still have feelings but the other won’t, leading to a messy, hurtful situation.
  10. Unfortunately, your ex might have an ulterior motive for staying friends with you. If they broke up with you because they thought they’d be dating someone else very quickly, but that didn’t work out, they might want your attention again. [9]
    • In this scenario, it’s unlikely that your ex will try to get back together with you. Instead, they might keep you around as a friend for a little while, but they’ll likely ignore you once they get into a new relationship.
  11. If your ex has narcissistic tendencies, they may be trying to uphold an unhealthy relationship dynamic. If you feel like your ex only cares about themselves, then this is a likely scenario. [10]
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Section 2 of 4:

Considerations Before Starting a Friendship

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  1. Getting over a breakup can be tough, and it doesn’t always happen instantly. If you’re still reeling from your breakup and you’re not quite ready to see your ex again, that’s totally fine. Give yourself time to move on before you decide to start a friendship with your ex. [11]
    • Experts recommend taking a digital detox from your ex, at least for the first few days. Unfollow them on social media, block their number, and spend some time healing before you get back into communication with them.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 949 wikiHow readers who've broken up with their partner, and only 5% of them agreed that you should prioritize staying friends. [Take Poll] If your ex wants to stay friends, be sure you’ve moved on from the relationship before agreeing.
  2. When you’re friends with someone, you get to hear about their new relationships and dating life. If you stay friends with your ex, you risk hearing about their new boo before you’re ready. [12] If you think that the news of your ex dating again would hurt your feelings, then it may be best to postpone the friendship, at least for now.
    • The same goes for the other way around: how do you think your ex would feel if you started dating someone new? If you know it would hurt their feelings, then it’s better to give them some space.
  3. If your ex wants to be friends for their own benefit, it might not be in your best interest to keep a relationship with them. Think about why your ex wants to be friends, and try to decide if they have your best interests at heart as well as their own. [13]
    • For instance, if your ex wants to maintain control over you or they just want to hook up with you, then you probably don’t want to be friends with them.
    • If, however, they genuinely enjoy your company and miss your friendship, you could try being friends.
  4. It’s a good idea to at least be amicable with your ex if you know you’re going to see them around. You definitely don’t have to be BFFs, but it’s worth maintaining a cordial friendship if your ex runs in the same social circle as you. [14]
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Section 3 of 4:

What to Do If Your Ex Wants to Be Friends

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  1. Being friends with an ex can work, as long as you’re both on the same page. Sit down with your ex and tell them that nothing romantic can happen, and if it does, the friendship is not going to work.
    • If you’re already dating someone new, be sure to talk to them before starting a friendship with your ex . Sometimes your new partner may not be comfortable with that, and it’s something you may have to talk over with them.
    • If your ex ever crosses your boundaries, blocking them might be your best option.
  2. If you’ve decided that a platonic relationship with your ex isn’t right for you, that’s totally fine. [15] Unfollow your ex on social media and don’t respond to their messages. You can let them know that you don’t want to be friends, or you can simply cut off contact with them (they’ll get the message).
    • If you would like to give your ex an explanation, say something like, “Thanks for reaching out, but I’m just not ready to be friends yet. I need to take some time for myself.”
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Section 4 of 4:

Is it normal to be friends with your ex?

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  1. While not all exes become friends, a lot of people don’t want to lose their ex from their life completely. If you and your ex can have a healthy platonic relationship after your romantic one has ended, then it’s perfectly fine to stay friends. [16]
    • Keep in mind that keeping your ex in your life could make it harder to move on, especially if the breakup was messy. However, you’re the best judge of the situation.

Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    Why does my ex want to remain friends but doesn't talk to me?
    John Keegan
    Dating Coach
    John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
    John Keegan
    Dating Coach
    Expert Answer
    They're trying to redefine the relationship. They still want you in their life, but you can't share the same flirty and romantic vibes that you had back when you were dating. They're trying to move in the direction of seeing other people, but they still find value in you as a friend and support.
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      • Remember, being friends with an ex doesn’t mean rekindling the relationship. If you want to have a healthy, thriving friendship, only hang out with your ex as a friend. If anything romantic happens, this may be merging into relationship territory.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-psychology-relationships/202111/should-you-stay-friends-your-exes
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-psychology-relationships/202111/should-you-stay-friends-your-exes
      3. ↑ https://www.npr.org/2024/05/31/g-s1-1851/should-you-stay-friends-with-your-ex
      4. ↑ https://headspace.org.au/explore-topics/for-young-people/relationship-breakup/
      5. ↑ https://www.researchgate.net/publication/318184933_Staying_friends_with_ex-romantic_partners_Predictors_reasons_and_outcomes_Friendship_with_ex-romantic_partners
      6. ↑ https://uhs.berkeley.edu/news/can-we-stay-friends-after-break
      7. ↑ https://jedfoundation.org/resource/the-painful-truth-about-breakups/
      8. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/sex-with-your-ex-bad-idea-or-harmless-fun
      9. ↑ https://www.raq.org.au/blog/can-you-be-friends-your-ex
      1. ↑ https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0191886916302690
      2. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce
      3. ↑ https://cmr.biola.edu/blog/2019/jan/22/stop-being-friends-your-ex/
      4. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/break-up.html
      5. ↑ https://www.une.edu.au/__data/assets/pdf_file/0004/70465/can-you-be-friends-with-your-ex.pdf
      6. ↑ https://ir.library.illinoisstate.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1342&context=etd
      7. ↑ https://www.une.edu.au/__data/assets/pdf_file/0004/70465/can-you-be-friends-with-your-ex.pdf

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      It can be confusing if your ex wants to be friends with you after a breakup. It’s possible that they just miss hanging out with you, or that they’re feeling down and want your support. It could be that they feel bad about the breakup and want to help you feel better about things. They could even be hoping to rekindle the relationship. Sometimes there are more complicated reasons, like they want to keep the peace in your mutual friends group. The only way to know for sure is to ask them. Have an honest talk about what both of you want so you know you’re on the same page.

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