Why Does My Wife Shout at Me? (Plus How to Get Her to Stop)

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What to do when your wife’s yelling is taking a toll on you
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It’s never fun to get into an argument with your spouse. But when your wife yells at you constantly, it can sometimes be tough to even figure out why it happens (or how to get her to stop). Fortunately, there are some common reasons why your wife might be resorting to yelling, as well as tried-and-true methods you can use to calm her down. For expert advice on getting the yelling to stop and what to do if it goes too far, keep reading.

This article is based on an interview with our relationship counselor, Jason Polk, owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

  • Your wife might be yelling at you because she’s stressed or she wants you to take her seriously.
  • She may also be yelling if she hasn’t learned any other ways to communicate with you.
  • To get your wife to stop yelling, spend 5 to 10 minutes apart, then come back and talk through the issue.
  • If you are in an abusive relationship, call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 800-799-7233.
Section 1 of 3:

Possible Reasons Why Your Wife Yells

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  1. While yelling isn’t a healthy way to express these feelings, this could be why it’s happening. If she feels like you aren’t actually listening to her, she might raise her voice to “make you” listen because she feels like you aren’t hearing her. [1]
    • For instance, maybe you forgot what time you were supposed to pick up the kids tomorrow, and your wife yells at you for forgetting. She might be frustrated that she’s told you the same thing a few times now.
    • It’s okay to get frustrated, but in healthy relationships, couples don’t lose their cool and yell at each other.
  2. Financial issues can create stress and tension in a relationship. [2] If your household income isn’t enough to cover everything that you need, your wife might be feeling panicked. She could be expressing those feelings by yelling at you, even if it’s misdirected.
    • This is especially likely if you’re the breadwinner of the family. If your wife doesn’t work, she may be feeling helpless or like she can’t contribute financially.
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  3. After you’ve been married for a while, it’s easy to let other things in your life overtake your relationship. Maybe you’ve been prioritizing friends or your hobbies instead of your wife, and she’s upset. If she’s been noticing this for a while, she may be letting out a burst of anger by yelling, even though it’s not the best way to communicate her feelings.
  4. Unfortunately, stress from our daily lives can bleed into our relationships. If you know that your wife has a lot on her plate, she might be yelling at you because she’s worried about other responsibilities. [3] This misdirected anger isn’t fair, but it may be why she’s been yelling more.
    • She could be worried about her job, the kids, or even her social life.
  5. Is it possible that your wife thinks you aren’t validating her concerns? If she’s brought up an issue multiple times and she doesn’t feel like you’re taking it seriously, she might turn to yelling to express her feelings. [4] Again, yelling is not a great way to communicate, but some people resort to it as a last-ditch effort.
  6. Trauma and abuse can make people explode when they feel any big emotions. If your wife has experienced any turmoil in her past, she may have trust issues or not feel safe in the relationship. This could cause her to have an angry outburst, even when you don’t deserve it. [5]
  7. Think about your wife’s family: do they tend to yell at each other a lot? If so, your wife could have learned that yelling means she’s telling you something passionately. It’s possible that yelling is her way of communicating with you, and she doesn’t really know any other way. [6]
    • This doesn’t mean that your wife’s yelling is okay, though. Yelling is a habit that can be unlearned.
  8. Sometimes, constant yelling can mean that there are underlying problems within the relationship. If your wife isn’t happy with your partnership or is looking for a way out, she may be yelling at you to release these feelings. [7]
  9. If your wife believes you’re not capable of making decisions or taking charge, she could be yelling at you to boss you around. She might feel like she has to take things over, and she’s resentful of that, so it comes out in a burst of yelling. [8]
    • Yelling like this can delve into abusive territory, especially if your wife is calling you names or criticizing you. Remember: even if your partner is upset, they still need to respect you as a human being.
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Section 2 of 3:

Getting Your Wife to Stop Yelling

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  1. It’s not fun getting yelled at, especially by your spouse. When your wife starts to yell, calmly request that she lower her voice or change her tone to enforce your boundaries and ask for respect. Say something like:
    • “I feel uncomfortable with how you are speaking to me. Could we take a break?”
    • “I need things to be calmer. Otherwise, I will have to come back to this.”
    • “I feel defensive, please be more gentle.”
  2. Sometimes, diving right into a conversation isn’t the answer. When your wife is upset, ask to take 5 or 10 minutes so you can both catch your breath and come back. Remember to emphasize that you’re not walking away, just taking a break for now.
    • “I can tell you’re upset. Why don’t we take 5 minutes to ourselves, and then we can talk about it?”
    • “I need a minute to gather my thoughts, so I’m going to go into the other room. I’ll be back in 10 minutes.”
  3. While you might not know exactly why she’s yelling, you can be sure of one thing: your wife is not happy. Listen to what she’s saying and think about anything that’s happened in the past few days, then make an educated guess as to what’s wrong. [9]
  4. Your wife might be yelling at you because she wants to make her message loud and clear. To emphasize that you understand, listen to what she’s saying, and then say it in your own words. If you’re not sure, ask her clarifying questions until you get to the root of the problem. [10]
    • “So what you’re saying is: you’re upset because I didn’t do the dishes, even though I said I would. Is that right?”
    • “What I’m hearing you say is that you’d like to spend more time together as a couple.”
  5. If you did mess up (and you believe that you messed up), let her know and say you’re sorry. This can help diffuse her emotions and validate her feelings.
    • “I’m really sorry that I didn’t make more of an effort to clean the kitchen. That was my fault.”
    • Only apologize if you actually think you’ve done something wrong. If you apologize just to keep the peace, it probably won’t sound genuine.
  6. When your wife is upset, a small gesture from you might be just the pick-me-up she needs. Make a reservation at a nice restaurant, buy her flowers, or book her a spa day. You know your wife best, so pick something that’s going to make her feel loved by you. [11]
    • Even something as simple as making her favorite dish for dinner could be enough to win her over.
  7. Is your wife feeling stressed because of how many responsibilities she has? In heterosexual relationships, it’s common for the woman in the relationship to take on more of the household chores or parenting. Lighten your wife’s load by taking over a few of her tasks, either just for now or indefinitely. [12]
    • Try not to ask your wife, “What can I do?” or, “How can I help?” This won’t help ease her mental load.
    • Instead, jump in and do things that you know need to be done, like laundry, making meals, or getting the kids ready for bed.
  8. Have you noticed a pattern when it comes to your wife yelling? Maybe she gets really stressed out around the holidays, or maybe she only yells when her job ramps up. Plan for these situations by doing what you can to help her relax and de-stress. [13]
    • Similarly, you might notice that your wife gets upset and yells when you don’t listen to her or she has to repeat herself. Diffuse these situations by paying attention when she talks and noting anything she’d like you to do.
  9. In a relationship, constant yelling can be a sign of communication issues or other underlying problems. If you’re fed up with your wife’s yelling and nothing seems to be changing, suggest going to couples counseling. A professional can help you both find coping mechanisms and communication skills that reduce the yelling within your household.
    • Bring it up to your wife by saying something like, “I’m really not okay with how often you yell at me. I’d like to go to couples counseling so we can learn new ways to talk to each other that make us both feel respected.”
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Section 3 of 3:

Is yelling in a relationship normal?

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  1. We all get frustrated sometimes and raise our voices at our partner. While it’s not the best way to communicate, if your wife yells at you sometimes, it’s not abnormal. [14]
  2. While you and your wife may raise your voices at each other occasionally, if your wife is yelling at you all the time, it can delve into abusive territory. Other signs of abuse include name-calling, constant criticism, and accusations. [15]
    • You may feel like you’re walking on eggshells or constantly trying to diffuse your wife’s anger, which is actually a form of emotional abuse.
    • If you believe you’re in an abusive relationship, call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 800-799-7233.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/anger/2015/09/why-do-you-yell-and-shout-when-angry#1
      2. ↑ https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/tips-for-everyday-living/money-and-mental-health/the-link-between-money-and-mental-health/
      3. ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/anger-how-it-affects-people
      4. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/anger/2015/09/why-do-you-yell-and-shout-when-angry#1
      5. ↑ https://www.ptsd.va.gov/understand/related/anger.asp
      6. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/learn-ways-to-communicate-without-yelling#1
      7. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/7-toxic-behaviors-you-should-never-tolerate
      8. ↑ https://www.regain.us/advice/marriage/20-signs-of-disrespect-in-marriage-when-to-draw-the-line/
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201702/the-one-crucial-thing-do-when-your-partner-is-upset
      1. ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/conflict-resolution/
      2. ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2022/02/11/well/strengthen-relationships.html
      3. ↑ https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20210518-the-hidden-load-how-thinking-of-everything-holds-mums-back
      4. ↑ https://hbr.org/2018/08/how-to-help-your-spouse-cope-with-work-stress
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happy-healthy-relationships/202210/how-stop-the-yelling-in-your-relationship
      6. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/11-common-patterns-verbal-abuse/

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