How to Talk About a Nonbinary Person: A Guide for Respect & Allyship

When someone in your life is or comes out as non-binary, you might be unsure of how to refer to them and use their correct pronouns properly. As a rule of thumb, you should always refer to a person with the pronouns and names that they’ve asked you to use. However, if you’re still unsure what to do as a respectful human and ally, we’ve put together this guide to help you better understand and support nonbinary people in our society and world. For some additional insights, we’ve spoken with diversity and LGBTQ+ specialists and included their helpful perspectives.

What do you call a non-binary person?

Diversity, equity, and inclusion consultant Lily Zheng, MA, says to “use the name and pronouns” that the person shares with you. Non-binary people often use “they/them” pronouns—but it’s always best to check first. If they do use “they/them,” simply replace “he” or “she” with “they” and “him” or “her” with “them.”

Section 1 of 7:

Which pronouns should you use for nonbinary people?

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Many non-binary people use they/them pronouns, but it's best to check first. They/them pronouns are the most common among non-binary pronouns, but others prefer neopronouns (e.g., xe/xem). Others are happy with binary pronouns, like she/her, or a mix of binary and gender-neutral pronouns, like he/they. If you’re not sure of someone’s pronouns, Zheng recommends “offering your own pronouns first. Asking pronouns isn’t always advisable, because we may unconsciously choose to ask some people and not others. If we are only asking visually gender-nonconforming people their pronouns but assuming the pronouns of others, this can appear discriminatory." ^{[1]
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Expert Source

Lily Zheng, MA
Diversity, Equity & Inclusion Consultant

Expert Interview}
- For example, you can say, “Hey, I’m Rebecca, my pronouns are she/hers.”
- Along with pronouns, make sure to always use a person’s current name (i.e., if they’ve changed their name from the name assigned to them at birth). Don't ask questions like "What’s your birth name?" or "What's your real name?" The name they choose to use is their real name, and it shouldn't be questioned.
- Don't refer to a nonbinary or trans person as "it" unless they tell you to. It is typically considered dehumanizing to speak about a person as if they are an object.
- But, aren’t “they” and “them” plural pronouns? Sure, “they” and “them” can be used as plural pronouns, but they can also be used as singular pronouns—and not just for non-binary people. English language usage and style guides endorse they use of “they/them” as an effective and inclusive singular pronoun for when someone explicitly uses those pronouns or when a person’s gender is unknown. ^{[2]
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Meet the wikiHow Experts

Lily Zheng, MA , is a diversity, equity, and inclusion consultant and executive coach who works with organizations around the world to build more inclusive and innovative workplaces for all.

Jove Meyer is a professional wedding and event planner who specializes in LGBTQ+ weddings and has been named as a top U.S. wedding planner in multiple major publications.

Inge Hansen, PsyD , is a clinical psychologist with specialized training in the areas of gender and sexual identity.
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Always use a person’s correct pronouns—but don’t freak out if you mess up. Refer to non-binary people using the pronouns they’ve shared with you, and avoid using any other pronouns to describe or talk to them, which can be highly distressing. However, if you do slip up and use the wrong pronoun, just correct yourself and move on. Don’t draw too much attention to what happened, which can make the whole situation worse. For example, if a friend’s pronouns are “they/them” and you accidentally call them “he,” just correct yourself to “they” and continue with what you were saying. ^{[3]
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- Try not to apologize for using the wrong pronouns. Although it may seem like a nice way to correct yourself, it can make the other person feel like a burden. Instead of, “We went to the party and we saw her—sorry!—their…,” try “I was talking to her—them—and they said they have a dog.”
- Think about any times you’ve accidentally used the wrong pronouns for a cis gender person—it happens all the time! Maybe you were having a normal conversation and accidentally referred to a cis man as “she,” or the other way around. You probably just shrugged it off and corrected yourself—so do the same thing now!
- Using a person’s correct pronouns is always important. It doesn’t matter if they’re not in the room, you’re with people who don’t know them, or you’re angry with them. If you intentionally use the wrong pronouns or name in order to upset them, they will harm your relationship and may harm them more than you know.

Section 2 of 7:

What courtesy titles are used for nonbinary people?

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Most traditional courtesy titles are gendered—such as “Mr.,” “Ms.,” “Miss,” and “Mrs.” When it comes to non-binary people, you’ll usually want to address or refer to them with the most accepted gender neutral title: “Mx.,” which is pronounced as “miks.” However, it’s always best to first ask the nonbinary person what courtesy title they prefer. They might be okay with a traditional title (like “Ms.”) or prefer that you just use their first, last, or full name. ^{[4]
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Section 3 of 7:

What gendered nouns are used for nonbinary people?

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Opt for gender-neutral alternatives over gendered nouns like “brother” or “bride.” Many English nouns that describe people are gendered. So, when you’re referring to a non-binary person, you want to switch these out for gender-neutral terms. For example, instead of “maternity” or “paternity,” use “parental” (e.g., “Elliot is starting their parental leave soon”). Or, instead of “brother” or “sister,” opt for “sibling” (e.g., “I have one younger sibling, their name’s Jordyn”). Consider other gender-neutral nicknames and labels, such as “prinxe” (instead of prince) or “auncle” (instead of aunt or uncle). ^{[5]
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- Professional LGBTQ wedding planner Jove Meyer spoke to us about how gendered language and nonbinary identities can factor into weddings. Meyer shared that “the way we have to move forward is talking about weddings in a neutral way. Instead of being bride-centric, we have to be couples-centric.” ^{[6]
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  Jove Meyer
  Professional LGBTQ Wedding Planner
  
  Expert Interview}
- “I recommend saying ‘couple,’ ‘people,’ ‘lovers,’ ‘lovebirds,’ etc.,” continues Meyer. “There are so many other ways that we can go that will include more people and exclude fewer people.” ^{[7]
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  Jove Meyer
  Professional LGBTQ Wedding Planner
  
  Expert Interview}
- Some non-binary people are actually fine with gendered nicknames. Just make sure you ask before using them. Remember that if your friend, family member, or partner is okay with being called a ‘boyfriend,’ ‘grandpa,’ or ‘bro,’ it doesn't make them any less valid as a non-binary person.
- If you can't find a way to ask, there are some basics that almost everyone is ok with, like friend, partner, lover, and bestie.

Section 4 of 7:

What to Call a Non-Binary or Gender Neutral Partner

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Ask your partner about what gender-neutral label (e.g., ‘partner’) they want to use. While there are some “standard” gender-neutral terms for significant others, it’s crucial to check in with your date or partner to find out what they’re comfortable being introduced as or referred to as. Some non-binary people may prefer a gender-neutral term, such as “spouse” or “partner,” while others may be more comfortable with a gendered term, like “girlfriend,” “boyfriend,” “wife,” or “husband.” Whatever term they share with you, be sure to use it moving forward. Here are some examples of other gender-neutral, romantic labels you could consider using: ^{[8]
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- Lover
- Enby
- Enbyfriend
- Datemate/Shipmate
- Spouse
- Significant Other
- Life Partner
- Partner
- Boo
- Number One
- Loveperson
- Imzadi (a gender-neutral label from the Star Trek franchise).
- Kjæreste (the Norwegian word for both boyfriend AND girlfriend. Literally, “dearest”).
- Cariad (the Welsh word for both boyfriend AND girlfriend. Literally, “love”).
- Anam Cara (an Irish word meaning “soul friend”).

Section 5 of 7:

What does it mean to be nonbinary?

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‘Nonbinary’ refers to someone whose gender isn’t exclusively male or female. Modern Western societies generally operate on a ‘gender binary,’ meaning that only two genders are recognized: men and women. However, some people don’t feel like they neatly fit into the categories of “man,” “woman,” “male,” or “female.” They might feel like they fluctuate between the two, fall somewhere in between, or don’t ever identify with either. Some nonbinary people may undergo medical procedures to align their bodies with their gender identity, but not all nonbinary people want or get these procedures. ^{[9]
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- ‘Nonbinary’ is just one term used by people whose gender is neither exclusively male nor female. Other terms include genderqueer, agender, bigender, and genderfluid . These terms can overlap with each other, but not always—e.g., agender people , who have no gender at all, may also consider themselves to be nonbinary.
- It’s worth noting that someone’s sex and their gender identity are two different things: ^{[10]
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  - Sex is assigned at birth based on biological characteristics (e.g., chromosomes, gonads, hormones, etc.) and is generally limited to “male” or “female.”
  - Gender is not determined based on biological sex, and it represents someone’s inner sense of being male, female, neither, or both.
- Nonbinary people aren’t new! Nonbinary identities have been recognized and respected in numerous cultures and societies for thousands of years. ^{[11]
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- Nonbinary isn’t the same as transgender or intersex. While trans and intersex could be nonbinary, the terms are not synonyms. Trans people often have a gender identity that’s either male or female, while intersex people have anatomy or genes that don’t fit the typical, binary notions of male and female. ^{[12]
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EXPERT TIP

Inge Hansen, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Inge Hansen, PsyD, is the Director of Well-Being at Stanford University and the Weiland Health Initiative. Dr. Hansen has professional interests in social justice and gender and sexual diversity. She earned her PsyD from the California School of Professional Psychology with specialized training in the area of gender and sexual identity. She is the co-author of The Ethical Sellout: Maintaining Your Integrity in the Age of Compromise.

Inge Hansen, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist

Some people mistakenly believe that non-binary isn’t a true gender identity. They claim it’s a step on the road to a new binary gender. That’s untrue—a person may shift from a binary to a non-binary identity or vice versa, but this is more a reflection of gender's fluidity and less about what it means to be non-binary.

Section 6 of 7:

How to Be a Good Ally to Nonbinary People

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“If they offer up information about themselves and their transgender [or nonbinary] identity during a conversation, you may respectfully ask questions and discuss the topic. Otherwise, avoid putting them on the spot,” instructs Zheng. Then, continues Zheng, “use the name and pronouns they tell you. The best practice for pronouns is, if someone else shares their pronouns, to use them. And, just call them pronouns, not ‘preferred’ pronouns.” ^{[13]
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Expert Source

Lily Zheng, MA
Diversity, Equity & Inclusion Consultant

Expert Interview} Sometimes, a person won’t tell you their pronouns directly, but they’ll include them in a social media profile or email signature. Observe these details and adjust your language accordingly.
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Even if you don’t understand non-binary identities, continue to respect them. Some people really struggle to understand what it means to be non-binary—that’s okay. Most of us have been raised in a culture and society where only binary genders get mainstream representation. It can take time to understand nonbinary genders, but it's still important to respect and support them in the meantime. Like everyone, nonbinary people are human beings who are worthy of respect, support, and dignity—regardless of whether you can relate to their experience or not. Plus, they’re the experts on their own lived experiences and feelings, just like you are of yours! ^{[14]
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- As we’ve covered previously, the best way to be respectful and supportive of nonbinary people is to use the names and pronouns that they’ve asked you to use. If someone uses “they/them” pronouns, for instance, all you need to do is use “they” or “them” where you’d otherwise say “he/she” or “him/her,” respectively.
- If you’re not sure, ask theirs (privately) or share your own, which may prompt them to share theirs.
3
Educate yourself about the issues that nonbinary people face. Nonbinary people face a lot of discrimination and discomfort as a marginalized community in our society. Explore authoritative resources from queer writers and representatives, and educate yourself about what the nonbinary experience is like. “Seek out communities of other…supportive allies in your local area or online” to discuss your feelings with others and get new perspectives, says Zheng. “Community centers can be a great place to start, if they exist in your area.” ^{[15]
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Expert Source

Lily Zheng, MA
Diversity, Equity & Inclusion Consultant

Expert Interview}
- For example, many nonbinary people struggle to navigate gendered spaces (like bathrooms), as they might feel unsafe in the women’s or men’s restroom.
- If you want to support nonbinary people in an example such as this one, accept their own statements about where they feel most comfortable, and stand up for them if you see someone preventing them from using a certain bathroom.
It’s important (and often life-saving) for nonbinary people to have the same rights and protections as everyone else. It shouldn’t be in question that they should be able to live, dress, and maneuver the world as their truest and most authentic self. They should also be able to have their gender respected—without question—at work, school, and in public spaces. To help support nonbinary people in achieving this type of equality, advocate for them whenever you can. Speak out online and in person, donate to LGBTQ+ groups, sign relevant petitions, and vote for politicians who advocate for queer people and their rights. ^{[16]
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Section 7 of 7:

Additional Resources for Supporting the Queer Community

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Keep learning more about the nonbinary community and how to support them. While we hope this article has given you a good start when it comes to understanding, respecting, and speaking to nonbinary people, there’s always more to learn! Plus, it’s great to hear from queer organizations and creators who’ve lived these experiences themselves and can share authoritative, personal information about their lives and needs. Here are some additional resources you can use to educate yourself on what it means to be nonbinary and how you can show respect for these individuals: ^{[17]
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- Articles:
- Films:
  - The Trans List (2016)
  - Disclosure (2020)
- Organizations:
  - Advocates for Trans Equality
  - Gender Diversity
- Books:
  - Nonbinary: Memoirs of Gender and Identity by Micah Rajunov
  - They/Them/Their: A Guide to Nonbinary and Genderqueer Identities by Eris Young
- Creators:
  - Devin-Norelle, @steroidbeyonce
  - Theodoor Grimes, @ggggrimes

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How should I address a non-binary student in my P.E. class when separating boys and girls?

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Ask the student about their preferred pronouns and use their name. If you're unsure which group they prefer to join, have a private conversation with them to discuss their comfort level.

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How can I remember to use the correct pronouns for my non-binary friend?

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Practice regularly and correct yourself if you make a mistake. Over time, it will become easier to remember and use the correct pronouns.

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What should I call a non-binary person I am dating, since "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" might not be appropriate?

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You can refer to them as your "partner" or "significant other," or ask them what they would prefer to be called.

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When thinking of anyone that hasn't explicitly told you their pronouns, try to use they/them/theirs when you refer to them. The habit of referring to strangers as they/them/theirs makes saying them feel more natural.
Do not force someone to give you their pronouns. They may not want to disclose their pronouns. If they don't want to say, just use their name or they/them.
Try using inclusive gender neutral language in everyday speech. For example, instead of saying "ladies and gentlemen," say "folks" or "guests."
If you mess up or make a mistake just correct yourself quickly and move on so it doesn't get awkward.

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Lily Zheng, MA
Diversity, Equity & Inclusion Consultant

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Jove Meyer
Professional LGBTQ Wedding Planner

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How to Talk About a Nonbinary Person: A Guide for Respect & Allyship

What do you call a non-binary person?

Steps

Which pronouns should you use for nonbinary people?

What courtesy titles are used for nonbinary people?

What gendered nouns are used for nonbinary people?

What to Call a Non-Binary or Gender Neutral Partner

What does it mean to be nonbinary?

How to Be a Good Ally to Nonbinary People

Additional Resources for Supporting the Queer Community

Community Q&A

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Tips

Tips from our Readers

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