How to Know If Your Girlfriend Is Manipulating You

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The telling, expert-backed signs your girlfriend is controlling
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When you’re in a relationship with someone, it can be hard to tell if you’re being manipulated. Things that seem normal to you might be off from an outside perspective, or vice versa. Fortunately, there are concrete red flags you can watch out for to tell if your girlfriend is being manipulative. We spoke to clinical psychologists to help you figure out what’s going on in your relationship and what you can do if you're being mistreated.

How do you know if she is manipulating you?

Manipulators often lie and make you feel ashamed. A manipulative girlfriend may gaslight you into thinking she’s the victim and you’re the cause of the relationship’s problems. She might also isolate you from friends and family and be controlling over what you do and who you talk to.

Section 1 of 3:

Signs a Girlfriend Is Manipulative

  1. Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells around her? When you’re with a manipulative partner for a while, you tend to feel uneasy about almost every interaction you have. This is because in the back of your mind, you probably know that something is not quite right. [1]
  2. Does she make you question your memories or thoughts? Clinical psychologist Tala Johartchi, PsyD, explains that this is a common sign of manipulation within a relationship. For instance, if you bring up a past conversation, but your girlfriend denies it ever happened, this would be an example of gaslighting. Or, she could say that you’re overreacting or being irrational when you’re trying to talk about how you’re feeling.
    • She might say things like, “Are you sure that happened? I think you’re misremembering,” or, “You’re so emotional. You always exaggerate things.”
    • Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse. If you are being gaslit by your girlfriend, reach out to friends or family for help right away.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 386 wikiHow readers to tell us the most important sign that a relationship has long-term potential, and 55% said handling conflict in a healthy way . [Take Poll] So if your girlfriend is unable or unwilling to handle conflict without manipulation, it may be a sign that the relationship isn't built for the long term.
    • Not sure if you’re being gaslit? Take our “Am I Being Gaslighted?” quiz .
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  3. What happens when you try to bring up a problem in your relationship? Healthy partners discuss the problem and work together to find a solution. However, as clinical psychologist Lena Dicken, PsyD, explains, if your girlfriend is manipulative, she’ll probably try to spin things like they’re your fault, even when they’re clearly her own.
    • For instance, maybe you try to bring up the fact that she’s on her phone a lot when you two are supposed to be hanging out. Instead of working with you to find a compromise, she might say something like, “Well, you’re on your phone too sometimes, even when I ask you to stop. You’re making this a huge deal.”
  4. Does your girlfriend knowingly push your buttons? Healthy partners respect each other’s boundaries, but if your girlfriend is manipulating you, she might start testing them to see how far she can push you. Over time, she may push more and more until she crosses them completely. [2]
    • Perhaps you've set a boundary that you need two hours of alone time after work. Your girlfriend might start by giving you an hour and a half to yourself, then just an hour, then 30 minutes.
    • Eventually, you’ll realize that you aren’t getting any alone time at all, even though you made it clear in the beginning that you needed it.
  5. When you hang out, are you only doing things she likes to do? In healthy relationships, partners make an effort to explore each other’s interests and meet each other halfway. However, if your girlfriend shows no signs of wanting to do activities that you enjoy, that’s a red flag. [3]
    • Partners can have different hobbies, and that’s totally fine. However, if you make time to do your girlfriend’s favorite things and she won’t do the same for you, she could be manipulating you.
  6. Does she only want you to hang out with her? In toxic relationships, your partner might not let you see your friends or family members because they’re a “bad influence” on you. In reality, your girlfriend could be keeping you away from them because they might catch onto her red flags. If your girlfriend is trying to limit your contact with the outside world, you may be in an abusive relationship. [4]
    • Your girlfriend might also try to guilt you into hanging out with her, saying things like, “You never hang out with me!” or, “Why do you spend so much time with them?”
  7. Does she “test” you to make sure you actually love her? In healthy relationships, partners know they love each other, and they don’t test each other’s affection. If your girlfriend ever asks you to do something to “prove” that you love her, she’s likely manipulating you. You don’t need to be tested or prove yourself for anyone, especially not your partner. [5]
    • She might ask you to buy her gifts, have sex with her (when you don’t really want to), unfollow certain people on social media, or stop hanging out with certain friends.
  8. When she does you a favor, does she bring it up a lot? Healthy partners do things for each other out of love, not because they want to get something out of you. If your girlfriend makes you feel guilty for asking for help, or if she uses her help as leverage over you in the future, she may be manipulating you. [6]
    • She might say things like, “You can’t be mad at me, I bought you food yesterday,” or, “I can do whatever I want, because I paid for our vacation.”
  9. Does she express her anger with sarcasm? Instead of talking with you about why she’s upset, your girlfriend might get moody or short with you if she’s being manipulative. If you ask her what’s wrong, she might say, “I’m fine,” or “Nothing.” Not talking about your problems in a relationship isn’t healthy, and it may be a manipulation tactic to get you to feel bad. [7]
  10. Do you feel like you can’t live your life how you want to? If your girlfriend is manipulative, she might try to control small aspects of your life. She could tell you what to wear, how to do your hair, what to eat, how to talk, or even what to spend money on. Healthy partners don’t try to control or change each other—they accept each other as they are, and they make decisions equally as a team. [8]
    • She might also ask you who you’re talking to whenever you’re on the phone, or demand to read through your texts.
  11. When you talk to your girlfriend, do you feel happy and good about yourself? Or do you often feel upset and belittled, like you can’t do anything right? In healthy relationships, partners want to lift each other up, not tear each other down. [9] If your girlfriend is always criticizing you unfairly, she may be trying to lower your self-esteem, which could be a manipulation tactic.
    • Constructive comments are okay, but calling your partner names or disrespecting them is not.
  12. Is she secretive about her phone or computer? This probably means that she’s doing things she knows you wouldn’t like. She might get jumpy or nervous when you ask to see her phone or berate you for borrowing her computer. If you notice this type of behavior, she could be chatting with people online or posting things about you behind your back. [10]
    • While this is also a common sign of cheating , it may just be because she’s protective of her privacy. Always give the benefit of the doubt!
  13. Does she make you share your passwords with her? In healthy relationships, both partners are allowed to have their privacy. If your girlfriend demands that you give her the password to your social media accounts, your computer, or your bank account, that’s likely a bad sign. [11]
    • Even if you have nothing to hide, you still don’t have to give your partner access to your accounts. Everyone deserves their privacy, even in a relationship.
  14. Have you tried to break things off, only to be forced into coming back? Your girlfriend might have told you that she would hurt herself or you if you break up with her. This is a clear manipulation tactic, and it’s extremely unhealthy for both partners. [12]
    • You’re allowed to break up with whoever you want, whenever you want. Your girlfriend is not allowed to manipulate you into staying in an unhealthy relationship.
    • If any threats are given or you feel unsafe, contact someone you trust or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 right away.
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Quiz

wikiHow Quiz: Am I Being Gaslighted?

Do you suspect that a partner, relative, friend, or co-worker is gaslighting you? Gaslighting revolves around making someone question their reality and lived experiences and is a type of emotional abuse. Gaslighting can be incredibly confusing, disorienting, and hurtful—and sometimes it’s even hard to know when it’s happening. We’ve made a quiz to help you closely examine your experiences in a clear light, so you can know what next steps to take in your relationship.
1 of 12

How often do they call you “crazy,” “sensitive,” or another hurtful word?

Section 2 of 3:

How to Handle a Manipulative Girlfriend

  1. 1
    Set firm boundaries and believe in yourself. It’s not easy dealing with a manipulator, and you can be made to question your experiences, emotions, and feelings. One of the best ways to handle manipulation is to stand firm. Set boundaries with your girlfriend and yourself. If she crosses them repeatedly, it may be a sign to end things. It’s also important to believe in yourself. You know your truth—don’t let her sway your thoughts. It’s okay to say “no” and make your own decisions. [13]
    • More often than not, manipulators manipulate to try to get a reaction out of you. [14] Try your best not to let her tactics provoke you. This may help stop her behavior as she realizes she can’t paint herself as the victim around you.
  2. 2
    Keep an eye out for signs of manipulative behavior. Spotting abusive and manipulative behavior early on can help you in the long run. Most manipulators initiate loving relationships quickly, hoping to speed things up to gain control over their partner. Knowing the signs of manipulation can help you put a stop to their plan. [15]
    • Look out for love bombing , an excessive amount of compliments, an overly affectionate personality, and a mysterious past.
    • While this may not be super helpful if you’ve been in the relationship for a long time, what you learned can be a helpful tool for possible future relationships.
    • Keep in mind that in a healthy relationship, a partner respects your boundaries and privacy, openly communicates their feelings, and is someone you can rely on. [16]
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Section 3 of 3:

What to Do If You’re Girlfriend Is Manipulative

  1. 1
    Seek support. You don’t have to go through this alone. If you’re in a manipulative relationship and don’t know what to do, reach out to someone you trust or a licensed therapist or counselor for help. Sometimes, an outside perspective can help you find clarity. [17]
    • If you believe you’re in an abusive relationship , call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 .
  2. 2
    Attend counseling together. If you’d like to stay with your girlfriend, licensed psychologist Allison Broennimann, PhD, suggests asking her to attend couples counseling with you. A therapist or counselor can help you process your emotions and offer guidance and support to strengthen your relationship . [18]
    • It’s normal to have conflicting emotions while you navigate a manipulative relationship. Do what’s best for you in the moment.
    • Questioning if you’re a manipulator? Take our “Am I Manipulative?” quiz to assess your behavior.
  3. 3
    Know that it’s okay to walk away. If your girlfriend is constantly manipulating you, especially after expressing your concerns, it may be time to end things . Your well-being is the most important, so reflect on whether you’re happy, comfortable, and safe in the relationship. If you’re not, the best thing may be to walk away and start new. [19]
    • Remember, you can’t force someone to change. Focus on your safety, trust your gut, and do what’s best for you and your health. [20]
    • Talking to a therapist or counselor can help you process your emotions and feelings while navigating or ending a manipulative relationship.
    • Not sure about whether or not you should break up with your girlfriend? Take our “Should We Break Up?” quiz .
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      Expert Interview

      Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about relationships, check out our in-depth interview with Lena Dicken, Psy.D .

      References

      1. ↑ https://www.womenslaw.org/about-abuse/forms-abuse/emotional-and-psychological-abuse
      2. ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/when-boundaries-arent-respected/
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-funny-bone-to-pick/202406/20-signs-of-emotional-manipulation
      4. ↑ https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/relationships/healthy-relationships/what-makes-relationship-unhealthy
      5. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/has-your-s-o-asked-you-to-do-any-of-these-things-to-prove-your-love/
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201506/20-signs-your-partner-is-controlling
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/202010/7-signs-of-a-passive-aggressive-gaslighter
      8. ↑ https://www.mass.gov/info-details/what-does-an-unhealthy-relationship-look-like
      9. ↑ https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/relationships/healthy-relationships/what-makes-relationship-unhealthy
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201405/6-signs-your-partner-is-facebook-cheating
      2. ↑ https://www.mass.gov/info-details/what-does-an-unhealthy-relationship-look-like
      3. ↑ https://www.mass.gov/info-details/what-does-an-unhealthy-relationship-look-like
      4. ↑ https://www.charliehealth.com/post/how-to-deal-with-manipulative-people
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-lights/202401/are-you-being-manipulated-in-your-relationship
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-lights/202401/are-you-being-manipulated-in-your-relationship
      7. ↑ https://www.ny.gov/teen-dating-violence-awareness-and-prevention/what-does-healthy-relationship-look
      8. ↑ https://www.mass.gov/info-details/what-does-an-unhealthy-relationship-look-like
      9. ↑ https://www.aarp.org/home-family/friends-family/info-2020/marriage-counseling.html
      10. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/loving-bravely/202008/should-i-stay-or-should-i-go-relationship-uncertainty
      11. ↑ https://www.mass.gov/info-details/what-does-an-unhealthy-relationship-look-like

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