Reconciling Your Marriage after Infidelity: 10 Mistakes to Avoid

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What you need to know about making it work after someone cheats
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Infidelity is heartbreaking, but it doesn’t have to be the end of your relationship. With time, patience, and a whole lot of effort, there’s a possibility that you and your partner could come back from infidelity stronger than ever. In this article, we’ll review the top 10 biggest marriage reconciliation mistakes to avoid after infidelity. Plus, we’ll provide helpful tips to help you move forward from this dark period in hopes of coming back together again. Remember, healing is not linear!

This article is based on an interview with our psychotherapist Kelli Miller. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

  • Don’t expect the cheated-upon to get over infidelity quickly. The cheater must be patient and kind, allowing their partner the time they need to grieve.
  • Have an open conversation about what needs to change between both partners. Reconciliation requires shared continued effort and commitment.
  • Consider working with a marriage counselor to create a reconciliation plan. In this safe and open environment, both partners may be better able to communicate.
1

Minimizing the pain of infidelity.

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    Whether the infidelity was emotional, physical, or both, learning of infidelity of any kind will change how the cheated-upon partner views the relationship, leaving them feeling vulnerable and alone. If at all possible, it’s best to let the cheated-upon partner know what transpired from the mouth of the cheater rather than letting them find out through the grapevine—this might help minimize the shock of the whole ordeal.
    • While telling the truth , especially about such a delicate matter, requires a great act of bravery, the cheated-upon partner won’t have to wonder if the cheater would ever have told them if they hadn't found out from someone else.
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2

Making snap decisions.

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    When we feel vulnerable or overwhelmed, our ability to make decisions becomes impaired. During this period, the couple must take things slow and not rush into any big life decisions, such as divorce, if there’s any chance of the couple returning together. Whether it’s a few days, weeks, or months, allowing the cheated-upon spouse to grieve what they shared with their partner before the infidelity is critical to restoring their relationship honestly and mindfully.
    • It’s ok for the couple to take time away from each other to gain clarity on the situation. Being alone or with trusted companions until the cheated-upon can face their partner again can be a great opportunity to establish if they want to reconcile and what needs must be met to do so.
3

Avoiding hard conversations.

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    To move forward , the cheater needs to be candid about what caused the infidelity and the extent of what happened away from their partner. Providing the cheated-upon spouse with context of the infidelity and what it meant to the cheater is necessary for the couple to assess the current state of their marriage and decide whether reconciliation will be possible for them.
    • For example, the person who physically cheated on their spouse might sit them down and explain how it happened , but not get into the explicit details of the intimate encounter.
    • While challenging, these open conversations between the couple pave the way for them to process what’s occurred and list what they need to mend their relationship.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 580 wikiHow readers, and 83% of them agreed that the best way to show commitment and love to a partner is by saying "I'm sorry" and taking responsibility for your actions , even if it's difficult. [Take Poll]
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4

Telling friends and family about the infidelity.

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    While it may be tempting for both the cheater and the cheated-upon to tell those around them what’s recently impacted their life, it’s better to stick with one trusted loved one who they know won’t share the details of the infidelity with others, and if they’re comfortable, a therapist. Publicly and openly bad-mouthing one’s partner will make it more difficult to reconcile, and shaming them, however tempting or well-deserved, could push them away.
    • Working with a marriage counselor or a personal therapist can be an excellent way to talk about what’s occurred in a safe space that encourages honesty, helps the couple get to the root of the problem, and provides them with actionable advice as to how to move forward in their relationship.
5

Avoiding a mutual plan about what to tell the kids.

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    Parents are the pillars of strength in their children’s lives, so it’s critical for the couple to support their children emotionally by asking them how they’re feeling, as well as offering them concrete examples of how they're working to resolve conflicts such as going to group counseling, etc. to show that no matter what, everything will be ok. [1]
    • Both parents must make a plan about what they will tell the kids so they're both on the same page. If one partner bad-mouths the other to their children, they won’t be able to take that information back.
    • If the couple can’t agree on what to tell the kids, consider asking a therapist or marriage counselor for advice. No matter what, the couple needs to present as a united front to their children, even if the relationship is no longer romantic.
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6

Neglecting one’s own needs.

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    The shock of infidelity is enough to send the cheated-upon spouse into a state of fight or flight—lack of sleep, poor diet, and general self-neglect can make it harder for them to find the strength they need to rebuild their relationship. It’s critical for the cheated-upon to practice self-compassion and not be ashamed to take a step back from their relationship when needed. [2]
    • Although exercising may seem less than appealing in times of despair, something as simple as taking a short walk in nature can significantly improve the cheated-upon's mental health.
    • Do things that bring one joy, such as spending time with friends , going to the movies, or picking up some flowers from the grocery store. It’s essential to nurture one’s happiness and prioritize healthy activities that make the cheated-upon partner smile.
7

Avoiding working together to create a plan.

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    Marriage counseling can be the difference between a reconciled relationship and a broken one. In a neutral environment where both partners are encouraged to share their thoughts and feelings, it’s much easier to work out the details of a shared reconciliation plan that both parties can agree on.
    • With the help of a counselor, the cheating partner is held accountable in a mindful way that’s sensitive to the cheated-upon's feelings.
    • When the cheated-upon partner knows the details of the infidelity and the reasons why it occurred, creating a reconciliation plan is more straightforward and less confusing.
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8

Letting paranoia and jealousy rule one’s life.

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    While we can’t take back the past, we can choose to make positive decisions for a brighter future. If both partners make a constant effort to reconcile their relationship after infidelity, such as working with a counselor or taking time every day to speak about each other’s needs, unnecessary paranoia, and jealousy will only diminish or even undo all the work they’ve put into healing. [3]
    • Stalking the cheater on social media or constantly checking their phone builds mistrust that the infidelity will occur again. While it may seem radical, the cheated-upon partner should consider deleting their social media account or simply blocking their partner or anyone else involved in the infidelity.
    • After infidelity, the cheated-upon partner might think, “They cheated on me because I’m not good enough.” However, it’s important for the cheated-upon spouse to remember that they are more than enough —they are worthy, valued, and deserving of love.
9

Expecting one’s relationship to be the same as before.

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    It can be even better if they commit to a shared reconciliation plan! When both partners work together to solve the issues in their marriage that led to infidelity in the first place, they’ll open themselves up to a world of possibilities for positive growth as individuals and as a couple.
    • To create healthy boundaries , both partners should communicate when they’re open to discussing their relationship and when they’re not.
    • When one of the spouses is in a bad mood, they should wait to have a conversation about their partnership status until they feel more open and receptive to it—even waiting an hour can make a huge difference!
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10

Stopping reconciliation efforts because things are going well.

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    Both partners have put in the work, and things are going great, so what’s there to talk about? A lot. To maintain the couple’s newfound stability after infidelity, they must continue to speak openly and honestly with their partner, ensuring each other’s needs are met and exceeded. Forgiveness is a process!
    • If a partner notices their spouse has been quiet lately, they might ask them how they’re feeling and if there’s anything they could do to help them out or make them feel special, like picking up some extra chores or taking them to dinner.
    • Reconciliation isn’t easy, so both partners should be sure to acknowledge how grateful to their partner they are that they were willing to rebuild their relationship from the ground up.

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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201909/one-you-cheated-what-should-you-tell-the-kids
      2. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/getting-over-the-hurt-of-an-affair
      3. ↑ https://www.healthyplace.com/anxiety-panic/relationships/anxiety-and-relationship-problems-anger-jealousy-paranoia

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