165 Funny Jokes & Quotes to Tell Your Friends and Family

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Plus, tips from pro comedians and speakers on how to deliver a joke
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Are you looking for a long list of funny jokes to tell your friends to make them laugh so hard they cry? Well, you’ve come to the right place! This article offers 165 funny jokes, quotes, and one-liners for adults and kids . We’ve collected classic jokes, dad jokes , “bad” jokes, knock-knock jokes , and more! Plus, we’ll give you expert advice for telling jokes from standup comedian Kendall Payne and public speaking coach Patrick Muñoz.

Funniest Jokes to Tell Your Friends

  • How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb? Fore!
  • How do you know if a vampire is unwell? Because he'll be coffin.
  • What did one hat say to the other hat? You stay here, I'll go on ahead!
  • What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
  • Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
Section 1 of 12:

Best Classic Funny Jokes to Tell Your Friends

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  1. Sometimes, the best jokes are classics that amuse people for generations…even if you’ve heard them before. Whether you want to tell a bar joke, a chicken joke , or a changing-a-lightbulb joke, these funny classics can help you make your friends laugh themselves silly:
    • How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one. They don’t like to share the spotlight.
    • How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb? There is nothing to change.
    • How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb? Fore!
    • How many Harvard students does it take to change a lightbulb? One. He just holds the lightbulb, and the universe revolves around him.
    • How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but it takes 6 visits.
    • What do you call a chicken crossing the road? Poultry in motion.
    • Why did the chicken cross the road? Because she was late for her peck-nic.
    • Why did the chicken hold a seance? To get to the other side.
    • Why did the chicken cross the road? Because she was free range.
    • Why didn’t the chicken cross the road? Because she was chicken.
    • The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.” A time traveler walks into a bar.
    • A neutron walks into a bar and asks, “How much for a beer?” The bartender says, “For you, no charge.”
    • Comic Sans, Helvetica, and Times New Roman walk into a bar. The bartender shouts, “Get out! We don’t serve your type in here!”
    • The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
    • A $5 bill walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey. This is a singles bar.”
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Section 2 of 12:

Funny Short Jokes to Tell Your Friends

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  1. One of the main reasons people find some jokes funny is the element of surprise. [1] While there are a few different ways to surprise people into a laugh, one of the easiest is to hit them with a short joke that catches them off guard, like these:
    • Where do pirates get their hooks? Second-hand shops.
    • I never knew what happiness was until I got married… and then it was too late.
    • What kind of music do bubbles hate? Pop.
    • That kid has a great deal of willpower… and even more won’t power.
    • Why did the bullet lose its job? It got fired.
    • Why did the hairdresser win the race? She knew a shortcut.
    • There’s a lot to be said in his favor… but it’s not nearly as interesting.
    • Why did the bicycle collapse? It was too tired.
    • My IQ results came back… they were negative.
    • How do you know if a vampire is unwell? Because he'll be coffin.
    • What do you call a pony with a cough? A little horse.
    • What do you call a magic dog? A labracadabrador.
    • What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen.
    • What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey!
    • Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibition? Because it was cultured.
Section 3 of 12:

Funny One-Liners to Tell Your Friends

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  1. One-liners are often short, taking less than 20 seconds to get out. And being short and fast doesn’t make them any less funny. Comedians like Bob Hope, Rodney Dangerfield, Steven Wright, and Mitch Hedberg made their careers on being masters of the clever one-liner. [2] Here are a few examples for you to use to dazzle your friends with your razor-sharp wit:
    • I’ve failed math more times than I can count.
    • I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.
    • It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
    • My father has schizophrenia, but he’s good people.
    • The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.
    • You can never trust atoms, because they make up everything.
    • My wife hit the ceiling when she found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.
    • The easiest way to add insult to injury is to sign someone’s cast.
    • Russian dolls are so full of themselves.
    • I don’t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it.
    • The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on the list.
    • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
    • Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they’ll want to use it more.
    • If a parsley farmer gets sued, can they garnish his wages?
    • 6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock.
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Section 4 of 12:

Funny Knock-Knock Jokes to Tell Your Friends

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  1. Knock-knock jokes have a simple, straightforward structure that makes them easy to remember and understand. And they’re often good for getting a quick laugh. Have your friends rolling with laughter with one of these knock-knock jokes :
    • Knock, knock.
      Who’s there?
      Figs.
      Figs who?
      Figs the doorbell! It’s not working.
    • Knock, knock.
      Who’s there?
      Hal
      Hal who?
      Hal will you know if you don’t open the door?
    • Knock, knock.
      Who’s there?
      Honey bee.
      Honey bee who?
      Honey bee a dear and open the door!
    • Knock, knock.
      Who’s there?
      Hawaii.
      Hawaii who?
      Pretty good! Hawaii you?
    • Knock, knock.
      Who’s there?
      Nana.
      Nana who?
      Nana your business!
    • Knock, knock.
      Who’s there?
      Woo.
      Woo who?
      I’m glad you’re excited to see me, too!
    • Knock, knock.
      Who’s there?
      Snow.
      Snow who?
      Snow use. The joke’s over.
    • Knock, knock.
      Who’s there?
      Says.
      Says who?
      Says me!
    • Knock, knock.
      Who’s there?
      Cow says.
      Cow says who?
      No, cow says moo!
    • Knock, knock.
      Who’s there?
      Nobel.
      Nobel who?
      No-bel… that’s why I knocked.
    • Knock, knock.
      Who’s there?
      Water.
      Water who?
      Water you doing today?
    • Knock, knock.
      Who’s there?
      Waddle.
      Waddle who?
      Waddle it take to get you to open the door?
    • Knock, knock.
      Who’s there?
      Radio.
      Radio who?
      Radio not! Here I come!
    • Knock, knock.
      Who’s there?
      Thermos.
      Thermos who?
      Thermos be a better punchline than this!
    • Knock, knock.
      Who’s there?
      Weirdo.
      Weirdo who?
      Weirdo you think you’re going?
Section 5 of 12:

Funny Dad Jokes to Tell Your Friends

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  1. Dad jokes. You either love them… or love to hate them. But these corny and ultra-predictable jokes are iconic for a reason. Some researchers believe dad jokes are a way fathers instinctively teach their kids to deal with embarrassment. [3] Here are a few cheesy dad jokes to help you do the same for your friends:
    • I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
    • Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!
    • Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They might crack up!
    • Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged!
    • I used to have a job at a calendar factory, but I got fired because I took a few days off.
    • What do you call a snowman with a 6-pack? An abdominal snowman.
    • What did one hat say to the other hat? You stay here, I'll go on ahead!
    • I tried to buy some camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.
    • Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts!
    • How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut.
    • What do you call a teenager who refuses to grow up? Constantine.
    • What did one eye say to the other? Between us, something smells.
    • Why did the pasta go to the dermatologist? It had a big ziti.
    • How do you find a cheetah in the dark? Use a spotlight.
    • How did the dog get all A's on its report card? It was the teacher's pet.
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Section 6 of 12:

Funny “Bad” Jokes to Tell Your Friends

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  1. There are jokes that are so goofy and lame, they’re hilarious. Sharing a dumb joke is a silly way to make your friends laugh . It can also help boost your mood and feel closer to your friend group . [4] Try one of these truly groan-worthy jokes:
    • How do celebrities stay cool? They have so many fans.
    • How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!
    • Where do polar bears keep their money? In a snow bank.
    • I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.
    • What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.
    • What’s a tornado's favorite game? Twister!
    • I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.
    • Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.
    • I was wondering why the Frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.
    • Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.
    • Why don't astronauts like gravity? It really brings them down.
    • Have you ever heard of “quiet tennis?” It's the same as regular tennis but without the racket.
    • Why didn't the chef season his dish? He ran out of thyme.
    • Did you hear about the girl who ate a frog? They say she's going to croak.
    • Why are shopping centers boring? Because if you've seen one, you've seen the mall.
Section 7 of 12:

Dark & Funny Jokes to Tell Your Friends

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  1. Dark humor is when people make light of a difficult or taboo subject. In some cases, people use it to help them deal with serious subjects like illness or death. [5] Use one of these darker jokes to make heavier situations seem less scary:
    • As I get older, I find myself remembering all the people I lost along the way. Maybe I shouldn’t have been a tour guide.
    • I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
    • My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she went, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard now that she’s gone.
    • What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
    • When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves and never comes back.
    • Want to know how to make any salad into a Caesar salad? Stab it 23 times.
    • I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put down.
    • I found a chest full of gold coins while I was digging in the garden. I started to run into the house to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging in the garden.
    • Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
    • My grief counselor died. He was so good I didn’t even care.
    • When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings.
    • Where did Joe go after getting lost in a minefield? Everywhere.
    • The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
    • A priest asks the convicted murderer in the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?” The murderer says, “Can you please hold my hand?”
    • My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
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Section 8 of 12:

Funny Jokes to Tell Your Friends over Text

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  1. Texting your friend a funny joke is a great way to give them a laugh and brighten their day. Plus, laughter is a great way to help them relieve stress and tension if they’re having a rough day. [6] Here are a few hilarious jokes that are perfect for texting :
    • What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing. It just waved.
    • Blunt pencils are pointless.
    • They say money talks, but all mine says is, “Goodbye.”
    • When is a boat just like snow? When it’s adrift.
    • What’s a plant’s favorite drink? Root beer.
    • Why can’t you ever trust a burrito? They always spill the beans.
    • Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
    • What did the hungry clock do? It went back 4 seconds.
    • I threw a boomerang a few years ago, and now I live in constant fear.
    • What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.
    • What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? A stick.
    • Why did the belt get arrested? It held up a pair of pants.
    • How do bees get to school? On the school buzz.
    • Where do fingers grow? On palm trees.
    • What do horses do when it's time for bed? Hit the hay.
Section 9 of 12:

Smart & Funny Jokes for Adults

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  1. Adults use humor for more than just a laugh. They make each other laugh to help diffuse tension, smooth over disagreements, and form stronger bonds with others. [7] Try out one of these clever jokes that are perfect for grown-ups:
    • What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
    • Two cannibals are eating a clown. One looks up at the other and says, “Does this taste funny to you?”
    • Why did the old man fall into the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
    • It’s a scientific fact that if you took all the veins out of your body and laid them end to end, you’d die.
    • Most people are shocked when they find out I’m a terrible electrician.
    • What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
    • My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
    • You know what always makes me smile? Facial muscles.
    • Imagine walking into a bar, and there was a long line of people waiting to hit you. That’s the punchline.
    • Why should you never eat a clock? It’s time-consuming.
    • What's the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish.
    • Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducked.
    • What did the fish say after swimming into a cement wall? “Dam.”
    • Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, “Any idea how to drive this thing?”
    • Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four it would be a sedan.
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Section 10 of 12:

Funny Jokes & Puns for Kids

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  1. Kids love to laugh. Some research has shown that kids laugh as many as 400 times a day. [8] But that doesn’t mean you can tell them just any joke. Tell one of these jokes to make sure your humor is on their level:
    • Why are spiders so smart? Because they can find everything on the web.
    • How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!
    • What did the nose say to the finger? “Stop picking on me!”
    • Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.
    • What has 4 wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
    • What kind of cars do sheep like to drive? Lamb-orghinis.
    • What do you call an alligator in a vest? An in-vest-igator.
    • What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear.
    • How do you talk to a giant? Use big words!
    • Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems!
    • What do you call a cold puppy? A chili dog.
    • What do you get when you cross an ornery sheep with a crabby cow? A real baa-d moo-d.
    • Did you hear about the queen who was only 12 inches tall? She was a great ruler.
    • Why shouldn't you argue with a skunk? It'll end up causing a stink.
    • Who do you call to clean the ocean? Mermaids.
Section 11 of 12:

Hilarious Quotes to Share with Your Friends

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  1. You don’t need a formal joke when you want to crack your friends up. Borrow a clever turn of phrase or funny saying from one of the funniest people on the planet! Check out these hilarious quotes to see if any tickle your funny bone:
    • “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams
    • “When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” – Rodney Dangerfield
    • “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” – Ellen DeGeneres
    • “There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.” – Jerry Seinfeld
    • “I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.” – Dolly Parton
    • “People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” – Joan Rivers
    • “People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends, I need a Ouija board.” – Betty White
    • “Instant gratification takes too long.” – Carrie Fisher
    • “The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.” – Oscar Wilde
    • “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” – George Carlin
    • I spent 4 years in college. I didn’t learn a thing. It was really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.” – B.J. Novak
    • “Everybody thinks they're a comedian. Especially in my line of work.” – Norm Macdonald
    • “I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down’.” – Bob Newhart
    • “I don’t mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that’s how it comes out.” – Bill Hicks
    • “My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time.” – Maria Bamford
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Section 12 of 12:

How to Tell a Joke

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  1. 1
    Pick an appropriate joke for your audience. Being able to read a room is a big part of being funny and telling jokes. Pay attention to the mood of the people around you. Muñoz suggests being very careful about telling any type of joke in serious situations like work events, funerals, and weddings. He recommends that you always pay attention to the reactions to any jokes you tell.
    • Listen to the kind of things the people around you are talking about. Are they having light conversations about fun topics?
    • Lighter conversations can suggest that appropriate funny jokes are welcome.
    • For some serious events, there might be times that are more appropriate for jokes than others.
    • For example, a joke that isn’t welcome in the middle of a wedding ceremony might be perfect for the reception.
  2. 2
    Take a short pause before delivering the punchline. Comedic timing is key to getting a laugh when you tell a joke . Adjust how fast you talk and use a “pregnant pause” right before the punchline to use timing to heighten the humor of your joke. Pausing before you deliver the punchline helps build tension and makes your joke funnier. [9]
    • A classic joke by legendary funny man Henny Youngman uses misdirection and a “pregnant pause” to make it funnier.
    • He sets the joke up by saying, “Take my wife,” like he’s going to tell a story about something his wife did or said. Then, he pauses before saying, “Please.”
    • This changes the meaning of the setup to a plea to take his wife away.
    • However, try not to let the pause go on too long. The most hilarious joke can fall flat if your audience has too much time to think about it.
  3. 3
    Shrug it off if people don’t laugh. Payne explains that sometimes your jokes will fall flat, but that’s okay. That’s just a part of telling jokes! When your joke lands like a lead balloon, the best thing you can do is just get back up, dust yourself off, and try again.
    • Payne adds that you “just have to have fun, do your best, and know that you’ll probably fail the first few times.” Don’t let it get you down.
    • You’ll get better at telling jokes the more you practice. You just have to be confident and believe in yourself and your sense of humor, Payne shares.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/humor/
      2. ↑ https://www.popmatters.com/make-it-quick-the-art-of-the-one-liner-2495414953.html
      3. ↑ https://www.bps.org.uk/psychologist/dad-jokes-thats-way-eye-roll
      4. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_laughter_brings_us_together
      5. ↑ https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11351593/
      6. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/stress-relief/art-20044456
      7. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/communication/managing-conflicts-with-humor
      8. ↑ http://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6609137/
      9. ↑ https://www.backstage.com/magazine/article/comedic-timing-tips-75129/

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