How to Ask a Guy How He Feels About You (With Expert Tips)

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Is your man in love with you? Ask the right questions to find out
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Talking to your boyfriend about his feelings can be a bit awkward. But, if you’re not sure how he feels about you, having a heart-to-heart talk may help clear things up. Keep reading for our guide to questions you can ask your boyfriend about his feelings for you. It includes examples to get you started, plus helpful information from licensed therapists Sarah Schewitz and Moshe Ratson on when and how to ask your boyfriend if he loves you.

How to Ask a Man How He Feels About You

  1. Give the relationship some time before you ask.
  2. Choose a time when you're both relaxed and won't be interrupted.
  3. Lead by letting him know how you feel first.
  4. Ask directly if you feel comfortable with that.
  5. Write it down if you have trouble asking out loud.
Section 1 of 5:

How to Ask a Guy How He Feels About You

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  1. Building that level of trust and closeness can take a while. A new relationship is a roller-coaster ride of exciting emotions, but figuring out your feelings can take a while. Don’t rush into asking your boyfriend about the big L right away. Everyone figures things out at their own pace, and putting him on the spot too soon might make him uncomfortable. [1]
    • Schewitz notes, "If you’re really invested in getting the “I love you” back, you might want to wait a couple of more months after you start feeling it. However, vulnerability is the birthplace of intimacy, so if you’re feeling something just say it." [2]
    • There’s no one right or wrong time in a relationship for someone to say “I love you.” [3] Do some soul-searching to try to decide when the time is right. For instance, you might wait until you’re sure that you love him before you start asking how he feels about you .
    • Don’t worry about “rules” like waiting for a certain number of months or having a specific number of dates before you bring up the subject. Every couple is different!
  2. It’s easier to open up when you’re not under pressure. If you and your boyfriend are stressed or busy, it’s going to be hard to have a good conversation about your feelings. Wait until the two of you can be alone and have plenty of time to chat. [4] For example, don’t ask him when he’s worrying about a big test or trying to finish a bunch of homework.
    • Try saying something like, “Hey, there’s something important I’ve been wanting to ask you. Is this a good time?”
    • It’s also okay to be a little spontaneous if the moment feels right! For example, if you’ve just had an amazing date and are relaxing in each other’s arms, it might be a good moment to talk about your feelings.
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  3. If your guy isn’t sure how you feel, he might be scared to open up himself. Try putting him at ease by spilling the beans first, if you feel ready. Be sincere and tell him exactly what’s on your mind (and heart). [5]
    • If you say it first, he might let you know how he feels without waiting to be asked!
    • In addition to telling him that you love him, tell him why he’s so special to you. For instance, you could say things like, “You’re always there for me, and I’m so grateful for that. I love the way we can make each other smile and laugh—and I love you.”
    • You don’t have to use the words “I love you” if you’re not comfortable saying it that way. For example, try something like “You mean so much to me,” “I care about you a lot,” or “I’m totally crazy about you.”
  4. Sometimes the best way to get answers is to ask direct questions. You and your boyfriend may know each other pretty well, but you can’t read his mind! If you’re not sure how he’s feeling, just ask. [6] Once you’ve fessed up about how you feel, say something like, “I know it can be tough to open up about something like this, but it would really mean a lot to me to know how you’re feeling. Do you love me?”
    • If you don’t want to put too much pressure on him, say something like, “I know that’s a big question. You don’t have to answer right away if you’re not ready.”
  5. Sometimes it’s easier to ask a difficult question if you put it on paper. If you just can’t get the words out of your mouth, try writing your boyfriend a note asking how he feels instead. You can write it inside a greeting card or on a sticky note, send him a text, or even hold up signs!
    • For example, you could write a cute note saying, “Do you love me? Check yes or no.”
    • This is also a good way to give your boyfriend extra time to think about his answer. For example, give him a card with a love note inside and tell him he can read it (and answer) whenever he’s ready.
  6. There’s more than one way to talk about love. Maybe directly asking “Do you love me” gives you cold feet. The good news is that there are lots of other questions you can ask to get an idea of where things stand in your relationship. [7] For example, you might ask things like:
    • “How are you feeling about us right now?”
    • “Do you see us staying together long-term?”
    • “What do you like about our relationship?”
    • “What can I do to help you feel more loved?”
    • “What do you like best about our relationship?”
    • “How do you feel about our intimacy?”
    • “What are some things that I do that make you feel loved?”
    • “Do you see us as being compatible long-term?”
  7. He may not feel the same way you do, and that’s okay. Asking someone how they feel about you is scary. There’s always a chance your special guy won’t return your feelings. But, as tough as that can be, it’s important to clear the air and get an idea of where things stand. You can always hope for a “yes,” but be prepared for a “no” or even an “I’m not sure yet.” [8]
    • Whatever he says, respect his answer. Only he can decide how he feels about you!
    • Marriage & Family Therapist Moshe Ratson affirms that, even if he isn’t ready to say “I love you” yet, that doesn’t necessarily mean he won’t get there. He may just need more time to figure out how he feels. [9]
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Section 2 of 5:

Other Signs Your Boyfriend Loves You

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  1. “I love you” isn’t the only way to say “I love you.” Pay attention to other things your boyfriend says to you. Does he use kind, respectful, and loving language? Does he use other words to tell you how he feels about you and the relationship? [10] For example, he may say things like:
    • “I care so much about you.”
    • “You’re awesome!”
    • “I’m so happy when we’re together.”
    • “I’m here for you.”
    • “Thanks for everything you do.”
    • “I’m so lucky to have you.”
    • “I’m so grateful for you.”
    • “It’s easy to think of you as my favorite person.”
  2. If he acts like he’s into you, he probably is. Does your boyfriend ask you about your day? Does he pay attention to your fears, hopes, and dreams? Have you noticed that he remembers the things you tell him about yourself? If he makes a point of taking an interest and paying attention, that’s a good sign—it means he cares about you as a person. [11]
    • On the other hand, if your bae constantly talks about himself and his own interests and doesn’t seem that into anything you have to say, that could mean that his mind and heart are somewhere else.
    EXPERT TIP

    Cher Gopman

    Dating Coach
    Cher Gopman is the Founder of NYC Wingwoman LLC, a date coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Cher is a Certified Life Coach, a former psychiatric nurse, and her work has been featured on Inside Edition, Fox, ABC, VH1, and The New York Post.
    Cher Gopman
    Dating Coach

    People show affection in different ways. Being focused on you and not trying to date other people are signs that they may be in love with you. Also, are they talking about going on vacation with you in a few months? Are they talking about different things they want to do with you? These are also indicators of love.

  3. When it comes to love, actions definitely speak louder than words. Watch for the things your guy does to show you how much he cares, whether it’s offering to cook a meal for you, bringing you little gifts, or cheering you on before a big test. [12]
    • Pay attention to how he acts with you in both good and bad times. For example, is he there to comfort you when you’re feeling down? Does he celebrate with you when things are going well?
    EXPERT TIP

    Allen Wagner, MFT, MA

    Marriage & Family Therapist
    Allen Wagner is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in Los Angeles, California. After working as a therapist at the Children’s Bureau and Penny Lane Centers, he opened his own practice in 2008. Allen works with both individuals and couples and has 20 years of experience as a therapist. Allen specializes in helping clients improve their relationships, assisting people in managing life transitions, improving communication in all environments, and identifying realistic and positive goals. Alongside his wife Talia Wagner, he authored the book "Married Roommates". He received an MA in Psychology from Pepperdine University and a BA in Film and Creative Writing from the University of Arizona.
    Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
    Marriage & Family Therapist

    Showing love through behavior can sometimes mean more than by using words. Someone can demonstrate love by being open to the other person’s thoughts. They can show that they understand and appreciate why certain things carry certain meanings for the other person.

  4. A touch, a kiss, or a hug can say a lot. Think about what it’s like when your boyfriend gets physical with you. Does he give you lots of affectionate touches? Do his touches feel loving and respectful? [13]
    • Loving touches can include things like hugs, holding hands, backrubs, or even just a gentle pat on the shoulder from time to time. You might notice that he likes to snuggle up close or lean against you when you’re sitting together.
    • Sexual touching can definitely be a sign of love and affection, but it’s important that these kinds of touches are respectful and that it’s something you both want. Have an honest conversation with your boyfriend about what sex means to both of you.
  5. Boundaries are super important in a healthy relationship. A loving boyfriend should be there for you. But, also pay attention to whether he’s willing to back off and give you space when you ask him to. [14] If he respects your boundaries, that’s a good sign that he loves and cares about you.
    • For example, if you ask your boyfriend to stop making comments or jokes that bother you, he should apologize and stop.
    • It’s totally normal for people to cross each other’s boundaries sometimes, even in a loving relationship. Watch for how he reacts when you let him know he’s crossed the line, though. He should make a sincere effort not to do it again.
  6. If he gets you involved in his life choices, he’s probably pretty into you. Your boyfriend doesn’t have to get your input on every little thing he does. And it’s also totally okay if he does things without you from time to time. But if he goes out of his way to get you involved, he likely cares about your opinions and feels like it’s important to do things with you. [15] For example:
    • Does he ask for your input about what the two of you do together?
    • Does he get your advice when he’s making major decisions that might affect both of you? For instance, if he’s thinking about where he wants to go to college, he might talk to you about it.
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Section 3 of 5:

Why hasn’t my boyfriend said “I love you” yet?

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  1. Feeling so vulnerable may make him think twice before sharing his deepest emotions with you. It’s also important to remember that he could have been hurt before by someone else, and he’s being extra cautious before saying “I love you” this time.
  2. It’s possible he doesn’t know exactly how he feels about you yet. Some guys fall head over heels quickly, while others are more practical when addressing their own emotions. Give him time and space to see where your relationship goes, so he knows how he feels when he says it to you.
  3. He could be thinking, “Why hasn’t she said “I love you yet?” too. If he’s not sure how you feel about him in return, he may be slow to share his feelings with you due to fear of rejection. Show empathy for his feelings by letting him know how you feel the same fears as he might.
  4. He may be a romantic type who wants to make the moment he says “I love you” really special, but doesn’t think he’s got it planned yet. Have faith in your relationship and give him the chance to make the moment one you’ll remember for a very long time.
  5. There is always the chance he wants to stay in a relationship with you, but not a long-term one. If you feel this is the case, it’s time to have an open and honest conversation about where he sees the relationship going. Likewise, he may not be in love with you and needs to tell you so. This way, neither one of you will waste too much time in a relationship that isn’t likely to head anywhere. [16]
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Section 4 of 5:

Key Points to Remember

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  1. 1
    Tell your boyfriend if it’s important to you to hear “I love you." Your relationship will be much stronger if you can both be clear about your needs, wants, and expectations! You're better off knowing if he's not yet ready to make an emotional commitment and decide what's best for both of you, relationship-wise. [17]
  2. 2
    Some people have a hard time saying “I love you.” If your boyfriend struggles to say those 3 not-so-little words, talk to him about ways that he is comfortable expressing his feelings. He may be trying to show you how he feels with considerate actions, by showing affection and taking a genuine interest in your happiness.
  3. 3
    Think about how well you’re communicating with each other. If you’re currently in a relationship where you don’t say what you feel, you might not be setting the stage for open communication. Keeping things inside, whether positive reactions to what he does or how you might feel disappointed, can prevent a dialogue from existing between the two of you, about expressing your love or anything else.
  4. 4
    Consider whether your feelings are affected by your past. Do you come from a family where your parents didn’t express themselves as well as they could have? If you had an emotionally-starved childhood that has you overly focused on hearing “I love you” from a guy you’re seeing, take a step back. It could be time to first do some work on your own emotional well-being, so you’re in a better place to receive love when it comes. [18]
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Section 5 of 5:

Final Thoughts

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  1. When you want to ask your boyfriend if he loves you, look at his actions over his words. Consider things he may be going through inside that delay his making the big statement. Be honest with him about your expectations in the relationship and try to keep communication open no matter what.

Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    What does it mean if your boyfriend won't say I love you?
    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
    Marriage & Family Therapist
    Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).
    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
    Marriage & Family Therapist
    Expert Answer
    It's possible he just needs more time to sort out his feelings, so don't despair. Consider giving him more time to fall in love with you.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-the-name-love/201412/when-should-you-say-i-love-you
      2. ↑ Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.
      3. ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.
      4. ↑ https://www.understood.org/en/family/relationships/significant-other/9-tips-for-having-difficult-conversations-with-your-partner
      5. ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/oct/02/my-boyfriend-hasnt-told-me-he-loves-me-after-18-months-its-eating-me-up
      6. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/5-easy-ways-to-communicate-better-in-your-relationships/
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/ambigamy/201407/do-you-still-love-me-no-really
      8. ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/oct/02/my-boyfriend-hasnt-told-me-he-loves-me-after-18-months-its-eating-me-up
      9. ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/complicated-love/201803/5-ways-say-i-love-you-without-saying-i-love-you
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201403/11-ways-tell-if-your-lover-loves-you
      3. ↑ https://www.insider.com/signs-partner-loves-you-more-than-you-think-2018-7
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201403/11-ways-tell-if-your-lover-loves-you
      5. ↑ https://www.ny.gov/teen-dating-violence-awareness-and-prevention/what-does-healthy-relationship-look
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201403/11-ways-tell-if-your-lover-loves-you
      7. ↑ https://www.bolde.com/reasons-he-still-hasnt-said-he-loves-you/
      8. ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/oct/02/my-boyfriend-hasnt-told-me-he-loves-me-after-18-months-its-eating-me-up
      9. ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/oct/02/my-boyfriend-hasnt-told-me-he-loves-me-after-18-months-its-eating-me-up

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