How to Get Your Ex Back: Scripting Examples & Dating Insights

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Plus, is it a good idea to reach out to your ex at all?
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If two people have been in a relationship and broken up, it’s not uncommon for one of the individuals to come to regret the situation. Often, they’ll want to ask their ex back out and rebuild the relationship. Successfully asking your ex out can be challenging since strong feelings accompany breakups, and the ex may want nothing to do with you. Keep reading for expert-backed advice from dating coaches Kate Dreyfus and Erika Kaplan about reapproaching your ex, when the best time to do so is, and if it’s a good idea (hint: it’s complicated).

Asking Your Ex to Get Back Together

Once enough time has gone by, reach out through text. Move slowly into a phone call and possibly meet up. Express how much you miss them, apologize for any wrongdoings, and respect their feelings no matter what. If you do get back together, focus on the present without moving backward into old relationship patterns.

Section 1 of 5:

How to Ask Your Ex Out

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  1. After the initial breakup, both you and your ex will doubtlessly need time and space away from each other to process the breakup and recover emotionally. [1]
    • Even if you decide the next day that you want to get back together, give your ex at least a month or two before you start making new overtures.
    • If you like, use this time as an opportunity to meet and even date other people. If you date someone new, you may find that your desire for your ex fades with time.
    • Extended time and space apart may allow you both to gain perspective on your relationship and appreciate one another more.
  2. If you still want to get your ex back after a couple of months, keep things low-key and send a friendly, short text. This can be a good way to judge if your ex has any interest in talking with you. It’s still too early to flirt and certainly too early to say anything sexual. Be brief and sweet, and say something like:
    • “I just walked by the bakery where we used to buy baguettes together, and it reminded me of you. I hope you’re doing well.”
    • “I heard our favorite song on the radio together and thought of some good times we’ve had. Hope you’re great.”
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  3. If your ex replies to your text and the two of you have had even a short texting conversation, you can take the next step by calling your ex. Keep the conversation light—don’t mention the breakup, and don’t bring up any long-term plans to get back together. Your ex could register these as red flags and decline your invitation to see one another.
    • This will show that you’re willing to put in effort, that you have an interest in reconnecting with them as a person, and that you’re not just looking for a quick hookup.
  4. It’s a good sign if your ex seems willing to talk with you on the phone. At some point during the conversation, ask them if they’d like to meet and do something brief and light. For example, you could bring up attending an art gallery, visiting a farmer’s market, etc.
    • Say something like: “I heard that there’s a new photography exhibit at the art museum. I’d like to go and it should only take about an hour. Would you be interested in joining me?”
    • If your ex agrees and the hangout goes well, ask them if they’d like to do another similarly fun, light activity.
    EXPERT TIP

    Eddy Baller

    Dating Coach
    Eddy Baller is a Dating Coach and the Owner of a dating consulting and coaching service, Conquer and Win, based in Vancouver, Canada. Coaching since 2011, Eddy specializes in confidence building, advanced social skills, and relationships. Conquer and Win helps men worldwide have the love lives they deserve. His work has been featured in The Art of Manliness, LifeHack, and POF among others.
    Eddy Baller
    Dating Coach

    A casual date is an effective way to gauge their interest in rebuilding the relationship. When you're planning a date where you're not sure things will go well, keep it simple. Go for a walk at a park or the beach, or meet for tea or coffee. That way, you can just focus on spending time together.

  5. Your ex will doubtlessly be curious about why you’re reconnecting with them. Be honest. This is a time when you can even be a little romantic, although your ex may not be interested until they see that you’re sincere in wanting to reconnect. Say something like:
    • “While we’ve been apart for the past couple of months, I’ve realized how much I miss you.”
    • “I’ve processed things emotionally after we broke up, and I figured out that I’m not happy when you’re not a part of my life.”
    • Kaplan recommends finding out if your ex also misses you. “Some pretty practical signs that your ex misses you include peeking at your social media or keeping tabs on your life and how you spend your time. Is he or she getting in touch and popping in and out of your life? Those are probably the biggest indicators that your ex is missing you because we don't know how anyone’s feeling if we don't talk to them.”
  6. This is a delicate subject to bring up, and you shouldn’t do it on the first date. Wait until your ex has agreed to see you a second or third time, and then talk about your feelings. It’s best to be open and honest: state that you still have feelings for your ex and that you’d like to consider getting back together.
    • Reconnecting and getting back together with an ex can be a time-consuming process. Don’t expect your ex to immediately agree to jump back into a relationship.
    • Depending on how your ex feels, they may still harbor anger towards you or may have moved on altogether.
  7. Once you’ve explained your romantic feelings to your ex, your ex may make it clear to you that they are not interested in getting back together and do not have any lingering romantic feelings. [2] In this scenario, honor their wishes and abandon your plan to reconnect.
    • It may be appropriate to make a final appeal. Say something like, “I’m not asking for us to get back together right away. I just want one more chance to show how much I care for you.”
    • If your ex still declines, move on and give them the space they want.
  8. If you were the one who ended the relationship, or if you said hurtful things to your ex, you need to apologize. Don’t try to skirt around the issues that led to your breakup. Own up to your mistakes and take responsibility for ways in which you may have wronged or offended your ex.
    • On the other hand, you will also need to forgive your ex for any emotional harm they may have done you. If you reconnect with your ex but still harbor resentment or bitterness, the relationship is bound to fail again. [3]
    • Dreyfus notes that “it’s important to have a clear understanding of your intention and goal of what you want to get out of the conversation and to use your awareness to help you make mindful choices,” especially “if the opportunity is there and they are receptive.”
  9. While you and your ex will need to discuss and somehow resolve the core issues that led to your prior breakup, there’s no point in dragging one another through the emotionally painful details. Focus on good things about your ex and express these in conversation. For example, say things like:
    • “I was out with friends the other night, and I started thinking about how funny you are and how much I love the way our senses of humor work together.”
    • It may help to take some time to process any stressful events or painful details of the past. Over time, your negative emotions will lose their strength, and you can gain a healthier perspective on the contributions of you and your ex to your relationship’s end.
  10. In the best-case scenario, you and your ex can get back together as if the breakup never occurred. It may make your ex unhappy or jealous, though, to hear stories about any indiscretions you committed following the breakup. For example, don’t tell your ex unnecessary details about other people you’ve dated.
    • Looking to the past can result in the 2nd relationship with your ex going just as badly as the first time around.
  11. 11
    Seek out couples counseling if you get back together. An objective third party, such as a couples therapist, can help you and your ex increase your chances of a successful relationship going forward. A counselor can help you move past difficult issues and communicate more effectively. They can also provide support so you don’t fall back into the same old habits that led to the end of your old relationship.
  12. If your ex agrees to rekindle the relationship , start making new memories, going on new dates, and re-forging your emotional connection. It can be tempting to bring old relationship baggage with you when reconciling with an ex, but don’t give in. [4]
    • It can be helpful even to form a couple of new friendships that you and your partner both enjoy. This will help you both get over the breakup by interacting with more people socially.
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Section 2 of 5:

When to Get Back With an Ex

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  1. 1
    Wait until you’ve both had time to process the breakup. Whether ending the relationship was mutual or traumatic for one or both of you, you need time and space to think clearly. A month or two is a good amount of time to consider whether the other person still fits into your plans (and vice versa). If you’ve both used the time away from each other to grow and focus on yourselves, the time may be right to try and reconnect. [5]
    • When you’re both committed to personal growth, coming back together as a couple isn’t something you desperately need but instead something that supports your journey as a person (along with theirs).
  2. 2
    Focus on communicating naturally and openly with each other first. If you’re both still in a place where you’re showing anger, frustration, or resentment toward one another, it’s not a good time to try and move forward. You need more space to move on from the hurt you both felt and to consider whether moving on from each other is best.
    • It’s important that you both have clearly spoken about any former issues in the relationship and found a sense of resolution or closure about them. The worst thing you can do is push to get back together, only to re-experience the same problems you had before that were never dealt with.
    • Listen closely when communicating with your ex . They may have specific questions about the breakup that they need addressed, which you should answer. Attentive listening shows concern and respect for the person you’re talking to. [6]
  3. 3
    Wait until you’ve thought about your compatibility in everyday life. Sometimes, the idea of a relationship you once had feels great, but the reality of it isn’t always the same thing. Before trying to ask your ex out, consider how compatible you both really are. Can either of you get over things about the other person that created issues before? If the answer is yes (and you’ve talked to your ex about it), you’re likely ready to take slow steps towards rekindling your relationship. [7]
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Section 3 of 5:

How to Decide If It’s a Good Idea to Contact Your Ex

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  1. 1
    Make a list of reasons that you’re contacting them again. Wanting to see them because you miss them or regret the relationship ending is very different from feeling lonely in general, or wanting a hookup. Try to list the pros and cons of the relationship and figure out which side best informs your decision.
    • If your reasons mostly include unfinished business, it’s a better idea to work those issues out with them for closure than to meet up to reconnect.
    • Dreyfus suggests that “it can be really easy to fall back into the familiar and regular habits between you and your ex. I would encourage you to honor the reasons you chose to end the relationship. By honoring our choices, we are building self-trust. When we don’t honor our choices and boundaries, we can break our own trust with ourselves.”
  2. 2
    Think about how seeing them again will impact both of you. Did the relationship end on good or bad terms? If you think you’re better as friends who don’t spend too much time together, resist the urge to make contact with romantic intentions. If you know how dramatic and messy the two of you are together, don’t make an effort to go back to that place unless you know you’ve both truly changed.
    • Infidelity or any kind of physical or emotional abuse in the relationship are red flags to let things go. Neither of you should put yourselves in harm’s way to be emotionally or physically harmed.
  3. 3
    Ask yourself what your expectations really are. Do you care enough about your ex to try and remain friends? This may be true if you’ve known them for a very long time. If you’re looking for the exact same relationship you once had, chances are it’s not possible without serious work on both your parts. Honor your expectations by communicating them to your ex so you can both decide if getting together is a good idea. [8]
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Section 4 of 5:

How do you get over an ex you still love?

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  1. 1
    Cut off all contact, including digital communication. Even if you end up remaining friends, it’s a good idea to initially have no contact with them. Cutting them off will give you the space you need for yourself. If the relationship is simply over, don’t try to reconnect through digital means, like social media. The less you know about them, the more you can get to know about yourself . [9]
  2. 2
    Let go of any fantasies you cling to about the relationship. You may believe that you want the relationship you had back, but oftentimes, you’re instead focused on the relationship you wanted. It can be very painful to stop having fantasies or dreams you nurtured about your ex and the relationship, but once you’re able to get over your ex , you can face the future with courage and determination. [10]
  3. 3
    Make your peace with the past. Clinging to false hope does you no good, but so does holding on to anger and resentment. It can prevent you from being able to move on while making peace in your life. Try to leave the past behind , along with any hurt feelings, and do your best to forgive your ex for anything they did to cause you pain. Consider choosing a therapist or support group if you’re struggling with letting go. [11]
  4. 4
    Accept that you may still continue to love them . Whether your relationship ended due to bad timing, personal issues, or problems with your ex, you might still have feelings for them, which is ok. The good parts of your relationship can remain good in your memories while you strive to move on from the bad ones. Even if you don’t stop loving them , use the lessons you’ve learned from your ex to move on and find someone you can love. [12]
  5. 5
    Focus on self-care and getting the support you need. As you learn to let the relationship go, take better care of yourself , inside and out. Focus on healthy eating , exercise , and activities that calm you, like a new hobby or meditation . If you need to talk to someone, find a support group or therapist that can help you cope with the pain you feel and break through to what’s next for you in your life. Work on yourself , continue to think positively about who you are, and celebrate how much you’ve grown as a person. [13]
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Section 5 of 5:

Questions to Ask Your Ex Before Getting Back Together

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  1. Asking the right questions to your ex gives insight into your relationship. When you’re still in the early stages of a breakup, use a text conversation to begin asking questions that will help them open up. You’ll find out more about how they feel about you, the relationship, and themselves. Even if you don’t get your ex back via text , these questions can help you figure out if it’s a good idea to ask your ex out again. Some thought-provoking questions to ask your ex over text are as follows: [14]
    • “Why did you break up with me (or why did I break up with you)?”
    • “What is the one thing that we could’ve done differently in our relationship?”
    • “Do you ever miss me?”
    • “Did you cheat on me at any point in our relationship? If so, why?”
    • “Did I ever let you down in any way when we were together?”
    • “Were you interested in anyone else while we were together?”
    • “Did you ever feel like I was too controlling or clingy?”
    • “Do you think we could have worked through our issues?”
    • “Do you think we could ever be friends again?”
    • “Do you ever think that we might get back together?”

Join the Discussion...

How can I get my ex back?
Nicole Moore
Love & Relationship Coach
When trying to get back with someone you really love, it’s important to first understand why the breakup happened in the first place and what you’re going to do differently this time around. If you come to your former partner showing them that you’re taking responsibility for your side of the street and that you have implemented changes or have a plan to, they are much more likely to consider getting back with you.

Next, it’s important to remember what brought you and your ex together in the first place and to try and replicate that. Remembering why you clicked and loved each other in the beginning can go a long way toward getting back together again. Was there a favorite restaurant that the two of you used to go to that you can bring your ex to again or send them dinner from that restaurant as a surprise at their door? Did the two of you bond over a mutual love for certain musical artists, books, or art? Consider sending your ex a card with the lyrics to your song in it, a book from their favorite author, or something that reminds you both about the time you spent in the beginning of your relationship connecting over mutual interests.

Finally, communicate with your former partner openly and honestly about why you want to get back together. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable and share your true feelings. You don’t need to beg or plead with them to take you back but rather you want to paint a picture for them of your vision for the relationship moving forward.
Nemesis0410
Nemesis0410
This kinda depends on the relationship you had. If it was toxic, I wouldn't recommend getting back together. Also take into consideration that perhaps your ex might not want to get back with you. I would give it time, and try to work things out and make sure you're both on the same page and improve the relationship.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-a-little-space-and-time-can-help-heal-a-relationship-crisis
      2. ↑ https://www.bolde.com/18-things-to-ask-yourself-before-getting-back-together-with-your-ex/
      3. ↑ https://www.bolde.com/18-things-to-ask-yourself-before-getting-back-together-with-your-ex/
      4. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/conflict-resolution-skills.htm#tips
      5. ↑ https://theeverygirl.com/should-i-get-back-with-my-ex/
      6. ↑ https://mediate.com/8-things-to-consider-when-communicating-with-your-ex/
      7. ↑ https://theeverygirl.com/should-i-get-back-with-my-ex/
      8. ↑ https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/relations/should-i-talk-to-my-ex-or-stay-away/
      9. ↑ https://www.thejournal.ie/readme/getting-your-ex-back-2419820-Nov2015/
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-forward/201508/5-ways-move-ex-you-still-love
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-forward/201508/5-ways-move-ex-you-still-love
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-forward/201508/5-ways-move-ex-you-still-love
      4. ↑ https://www.unh.edu/pacs/break-ups-how-help-yourself-move
      5. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/questions-you-secretly-wish-you-could-ask-your-ex/

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      Asking your ex out can be nerve-wracking, but by waiting for the right time and taking things slowly, you’ll have the best chance. Give yourself and your ex some time and space to heal and process your breakup before you ask them out. After a few weeks, reach out to them and ask how they’re doing. Text them something like, “Just heard our favorite song and it reminded me of you. How have you been?” If they respond well to your messages, ask them to hang out. After you’ve hung out once or twice, you can tell your ex how you feel. Say something like, “These past few weeks have made me realize how important you are to me. I miss being together.” If your ex doesn’t feel the same way or needs time to think, try to be patient and respect their space. This is probably an emotional time for them too, so you don't want to rush things. For more tips from our co-author, including how to maintain a healthy relationship with your ex, read on.

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