How to Avoid Being a Toxic Parent

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A toxic parent is a parent whose negative behavior extends to how they treat their children. A toxic parent might demand their child's attention, constantly criticize their child's behavior, performance, and/or personality, and generally leaves their child feeling bad about themselves. Unfortunately, toxic parenting can negatively affect a child in a way that follows them throughout their lives. If you are a parent, for the sake of your child's well-being and your relationship with them, it is important to take steps to create a loving and positive environment for them. You can do this by avoiding behaviors that are toxic, understanding how these behaviors affect your child, and healing your relationship.

Part 1
Part 1 of 3:

Avoiding Toxic Behaviors

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  1. If you get into an argument with your child, don't let your ego get in the way of your relationship regardless of whether you are wrong or right. Try to remind yourself that you are the parent, and letting a fight drag on simply because you want to win is not good for your child or your relationship with them. [1]
    • Your child will likely forget about who won or lost a certain fight, but they will probably remember how your actions during that fight made them feel about you and themselves. Thus, it is important to be as mature as possible. Don't ignore your child or make them feel stupid.
    • If you're not sure how to end a fight, try calmly telling your child you need a few minutes to yourself. Take this time to calm down if you need. When you've calmed down, return to your child, and apologize for fighting. You don't even need to bring up what the fight was about or who was right/wrong. If you can't bring yourself to apologize, you can at least say, “I don't like it when we fight. Let's go do something fun together instead.” Give them a hug, and remind them how much you love them.
  2. For many parents, this can be difficult to do, especially if you tend to be overcritical of yourself. Many parents criticize their children because they simply want them to be the best they can be without realizing how this makes the child feel about themselves. Thus, it's important to think before you speak when you talk with your child, especially when it comes to talking to them about their performance on something. Instead, act as a guide for your child. Remind yourself that your child is learning how to do things every day, and they need your help, not your judgments.
    • If you have a hard time grasping this, think about how you feel when someone you love criticizes you. It probably doesn't make you feel good about yourself, even if you know it's not true. Even the most secure people don't enjoy being criticized.
    • If your child is doing something that you think should be done differently, avoid saying something like, “That's such a dumb way to do that. Why would you think that's a good idea?” Instead, say something more positive such as, “You're doing great, can I show you how I normally do it? Then you can do it whichever way you prefer.” Remember that just because you do something a certain way doesn't mean it is the best way. Even if it is the best way, it's good to let your child have autonomy and figure some things out for themselves.
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  3. One habit of many toxic parents is that they demand the attention of their children, especially when they are upset about something. Remind yourself, that, in your relationship with your child, you are not the center of attention, and your child probably doesn't have the maturity or coping skills to make you the center of their attention. Even if they do, it is not fair to expect your child to act as your caretaker. [2]
    • This doesn't mean that you can't be honest with your child about emotions you might be having. Communicating honestly with your child can help strengthen your relationship and facilitate empathy and understanding between the two of you. [3] For example, if you are feeling sad and your child asks you what's wrong, you can tell them that you're feeling sad because something happened that you didn't want to happen. If it is appropriate, you can also tell them the reason you're sad. However, you should also remind your child that you'll be OK, you just need a bit of time to feel sad. You can do this rather than expect them to comfort you.
  4. Parenting is tough, so it is important to remember that making mistakes does not make you a toxic parent. Raising children can be very difficult, and occasionally, you might lose your cool. It is important to tell your child that you're sorry, remind them that you love them very much, and explain to them why you lost your temper, but make it clear that it wasn't because you think they are a bad kid. [4]
    • Forgive yourself. When you make a mistake, don't beat yourself up over it. You can reflect on what happened and why you think it happened in order to do better in the future, but it won't help you or your children to let yourself feel like a failure.
  5. Abuse is perhaps the worst thing that can happen to a child. The obvious forms of abuse are physical and sexual abuse. Both of these forms of abuse constitute completely unacceptable forms of behavior for a parent. However, a perhaps more common form of abuse is verbal abuse, which toxic parents are often guilty of using. This occurs whenever you say something to your child that harms their sense of self-worth or playing mind games aimed at putting you in control of your child's emotions.
    • Verbal abuse may not leave physical signs that the abuse happened, but it certainly leaves emotional scars that may afflict your child for the rest of your life.
    • Many parents aren't aware of the research, which makes it clear that spanking is just as harmful to a child's emotional well-being as other forms of physical abuse, such as slapping, punching, pinching, etc. [5]
    • If you have been spanking your child as a means of punishment, look for other, healthier ways to discipline your child for bad behavior. For example, take away a privilege and explain to them the reason that they have lost that privilege and when they can have it back.
    • When it comes to child sexual abuse, any form of sexual touching between a child and an adult is considered sexual abuse. [6]
  6. If you realize that you have been abusing your child either physically, sexually, or verbally, you should recognize that you have a problem and stop immediately. Seeking professional help for your issues is perhaps the best way to deal with anger and control issues.
    • The first thing you need to do is understand what abuse is. Stop trying to rationalize your behavior. Yes, parenting is tough, but abusing is never a good (or acceptable) way to deal with your frustration no matter how mad you might be.
    • In many cases, abusers often abuse because that's how they were raised. Getting professional help to learn how to better deal with your anger and emotions is often the best way to stop the cycle.
    • One way to avoid abusing a child is to walk away from the situation when you feel that you are too frustrated or angry to deal with the situation rationally. Don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it.
    EXPERT TIP

    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

    Marriage & Family Therapist
    Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).
    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
    Marriage & Family Therapist

    It's hard to be the best possible parent when you're not feeling your best. To help yourself feel better, prioritize activities that recharge your energy, like hitting the gym or enjoying some quiet solitude. A healthy lifestyle will naturally help you create a fun and positive space for your family!

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Quiz

wikiHow Quiz: Am I Toxic?

“Toxic” people are a hot topic. Typically, this term is used to describe a negative person who regularly devalues others. Everyone’s selfish sometimes, and, on occasion, we all tell white lies. So how do you know if you’re in the normal range…or a total hazard? We’ve got the answers right here. Ready to learn if you’re toxic? Click “Start Quiz.”
1 of 12

Your partner's acting suspicious. You:

Part 2
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Understanding How Toxic Behavior Affects Children

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  1. It's true what they say about kids being like sponges. During childhood, children are busy absorbing everything that goes on around them. As they become older, these experiences affect how they see the world and themselves.
    • A child of a toxic parent often grows up feeling shameful and guilty about their choices, has low self-esteem, and a poor self-image.
  2. Unfortunately, children of toxic parents often grow up to become toxic parents themselves. This is because they often feel bad about themselves, and don't have the sense of security needed to be any different. The only example they've had of parenting is your example, so they go off of what they know.
    • It's true that there are some children who grow up into adults that realize that they were raised by toxic parents, and who are able to break out of this cycle. Unfortunately, this is an exception rather than a rule. It takes tremendous self-discipline to re-train your brain to react differently, especially when it comes to behaviors we were taught as children.
  3. Though it may not happen right away, many children who grow up with toxic parents eventually realize that they cannot continue their relationship with their parents. There might be a huge fight that causes the break, or your child may simply explain to you that they cannot have you in their lives because you make them feel bad about themselves. [7]
    • Realize that if your child says this to you, it is as painful for you as it is for them. However, if you can't or are unwilling to change your behavior, it is the best thing your child can do for themselves.
    • If this happens, you will have to spend a lot of time working on your own behavior in order to rebuild the relationship. This can be very difficult. You may find it useful to seek the help of a trained mental health professional who can help you identify your toxic behaviors, where they come from, and what you can do about them.
    • Respect your child's wishes. If they say the need to cut off contact with, try to be respectful of that wish even though it may be painful for you. If you constantly badger them you are only proving their point. Once you have taken the time to deal with your issues, you might reach out gently. For example, you could write them a letter explaining that you know you were wrong and that you've sought help with your issues. Ask them respectfully if there is any chance that you two could start again . However, try to respect their wishes if they don't respond positively.
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Part 3
Part 3 of 3:

Healing Your Relationship With Your Child

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  1. In order to begin healing, the first thing you will need to do is apologize. This apology shouldn't be a simple, “I'm sorry.” Rather, you need to sit down with your child and explain to them exactly what you're sorry for. Don't expect this to be an easy conversation, because it won't be. It's important that you set your ego aside for this conversation. [8]
    • Remember that, if you have been a toxic parent, it is your fault. Yes, your child might have done a lot of things to push you to the edge, but that doesn't excuse your behavior. Thus, you should avoid saying things like, “I'm really sorry for the things I said to you, but you just made it impossible for me to stay sane.” Even if you feel like your behavior was justified in some cases, you won't heal your relationship with your child by placing the blame on them.
    • Don't expect your child to just forgive you. This might happen, but if it doesn't happen right away then you have to respect that they need time to process what you've said. Be prepared for the fact that they might never be able to forgive you, especially if you don't take steps to work on your behavior.
  2. If your child is willing to talk with you, they may have a lot to say, and a lot of it may be very painful for you to hear. However, it is important that you allow them to get it all off their chest, and to show them that you are listening. [9]
    • When they are talking, do your best not to interrupt. It will be tempting to justify your behavior or disagree with something they are saying, but if you want to repair your relationship, you have to try and understand where they are coming from, even if it is painful for you.
  3. Tell your child what you are doing to change. For example, if you are working with a counselor to learn how to react differently, tell them this. Your child needs to understand exactly how and why things will be different. For example, you can say, “I know that I've made a lot of mistakes, and I don't always know why I did those things. I decided to go to a counselor to learn how to be better for you.” [10]
    • Now that your child knows what to expect, it's extremely important that you stick to what you said. If you do something that deviates from what you said, immediately change your behavior and acknowledge that you messed up. It is difficult to change, but when you learn to catch your behavior, you are on the right path.
  4. If you and your child are really struggling to get back on track, but you both are willing to work at it, it may be helpful to go to counseling together. Having a trained and objective person to help guide both of you down the path to rebuilding your relationship together can be really helpful. Especially if you are struggling to understand why you do the things you do. [11]
    • If there have been really traumatic experiences in your past relationship with your child, it will likely be very difficult to deal with those issues without the help of a therapist.
    • Don't force your child to go to counseling if they say they aren't interested or don't want to. Effective therapy often requires a willingness to engage in the process. If one person is not interested, it's unlikely that it will be helpful.
  5. If you are trying to repair your relationship with your child after years of toxic parenting, remember that it won't be easy at all. It will be painful for both of you, and at times, one or both of you might feel like giving up.
    • When you are struggling, remind yourself that it takes a lot of courage to admit you were wrong. It also takes a tremendous amount of self-awareness to reflect on your own bad behavior and become aware of the sources of your toxic parenting.
    • If your child is willing, try to take small steps towards having a more positive relationship with each other. For example, don't spend all your time together re-hashing the past. Instead, try to do something fun together. For example, take them to a movie of their choice, make them their favorite meal, or go mini-golfing.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How do you break the cycle of bad parenting?
    Jin S. Kim, MA
    Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
    Jin Kim is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based out of Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with LGBTQ individuals, people of color, and those that may have challenges related to reconciling multiple and intersectional identities. Jin received his Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT-Affirming Psychology, in 2015.
    Jin S. Kim, MA
    Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
    Expert Answer
    Develop your conflict resolution skills. If you struggle with what to do when a problem arises between you and your child, then work on your conflict resolution skills. Developing ways to calm down, analyze the situation, and communicate effectively with your child will help to ensure that you do not behave like a toxic parent.
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      Tips

      • Don't be afraid to ask for help. Parenting is a difficult thing to do, and it won't always be easy. If you are struggling, ask trusted friends and family members for help. For example, if you feel like you're on the edge, ask a family member if they can watch your child for an hour while you calm down. Remember that it is OK to be human.
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      Warnings

      • Toxic behaviors will likely have a lasting impact on your child. This impact will likely affect your child throughout their entire life. Changing your behavior as soon as possible is the best thing you can do.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/10-simple-steps-stop-toxic-parenting-fiff/
      2. ↑ http://www.lifehack.org/350678/13-signs-toxic-parent-that-many-people-dont-realize
      3. ↑ Jin S. Kim, MA. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.
      4. ↑ https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/10-simple-steps-stop-toxic-parenting-fiff/
      5. ↑ https://www.bostonglobe.com/lifestyle/2016/04/27/study-spanking-nearly-detrimental-abuse/X44bY3WymbVSv9LSRrKLWL/story.html
      6. ↑ http://www.stopitnow.org/ohc-content/defining-child-sexual-abuse
      7. ↑ https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/10-simple-steps-stop-toxic-parenting-fiff/
      8. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/andrea-nair/a-how-to-guide-to-parent-child-relationship-repair_b_6177928.html
      9. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/andrea-nair/a-how-to-guide-to-parent-child-relationship-repair_b_6177928.html
      1. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/andrea-nair/a-how-to-guide-to-parent-child-relationship-repair_b_6177928.html
      2. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/andrea-nair/a-how-to-guide-to-parent-child-relationship-repair_b_6177928.html

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