What Is a Backhanded Compliment? Definition, Examples & How to Respond

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Learn how to recognize and brush off backhanded compliments
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Backhanded compliments are designed to make you doubt your skills and abilities. Although these comments seem to have the best intentions, they’re laced with a passive-aggressive tone (often because the complimenter is jealous or envious of you). But how can you tell if something’s a backhanded compliment? We’ve provided plenty of examples of backhanded compliments in this article to help you understand the nature of these comments. Plus, we’ll walk you through how you can respond to them.

Things You Should Know

  • Backhanded compliments are insults disguised as genuine compliments.
  • “You look pretty in this lighting” is an example of a backhanded compliment. This "compliment" insinuates the person isn't pretty in other types of lighting.
  • The best way to respond to a backhanded compliment is to ignore it. If you don’t react, you don’t give the complimenter the satisfaction of hurting you.
Section 1 of 5:

What is a backhanded compliment?

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    Also known as left-handed compliments or double-edge compliments, backhanded compliments are subtle critiques or insults disguised to look like positive remarks. Basically, the comment is meant to highlight insecurities or make you question something about yourself. [1]
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Section 2 of 5:

How do you recognize a backhanded compliment?

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    Backhanded compliments can be hard to recognize, especially when given with a sincere tone. Focus on how the “compliment” makes you feel to figure out if it's sincere or backhanded. For instance, notice if the comment: [2]
      • Makes you feel guilty.
      • Questions your skills or abilities.
      • Implies that you weren’t something else before.
      • Highlights your insecurities.
Section 3 of 5:

25 Examples of Backhanded Compliments

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    I always feel smarter after reading your essays. This comment is backhanded because the speaker is suggesting that they feel unintelligent around you.

    Your new haircut makes your eyes look better. This compliment suggests that your eyes looked worse before.

    You look great today! A little makeup can do wonders. This comment infers that you look better wearing makeup.

    For a beginner, you did a nice job. This is a backhanded compliment because it undermines your abilities or success.

    Your TikTok makes you look like so much fun! This comment suggests that you are different in real life than you are on social media.

    I like your dress. It almost fits you perfectly. This compliment infers that you actually don't look good in the dress, as it's a near-perfect fit rather than a perfect one. [3]

    You look pretty in this light. This comment suggests that you don't look pretty in other spaces or lights.

    I didn’t think you’d get the job. Congrats! This is a backhanded compliment because it implies that the person didn't believe in you to begin with.

    You’re charming when you make an effort. This compliment suggests that you don't usually put in an effort and aren't always charming.

    I don’t care what other people say about you. You’re super nice. This comment implies that other people talk negatively about you.

    I love how you’ll just wear anything. This compliment expresses a distaste or dislike for your clothing choices.

    Your house is so cozy and lived in. This compliment implies that your home is messy or cluttered.

    Your sweater is cute. My grandma would love it. This is a backhanded compliment because it suggests your sweater is for an older woman. [4]

    I wish I was as relaxed as you in this mess. This comment implies that your life or space is cluttered or messy.

    It’s not the worst outfit I’ve ever seen. This comment expresses a dislike for your outfit.

    You look so professional with your hair straight. This compliment suggests that you don't normally look professional without your hair straightened.

    I love that you don’t care how you come across. This is a backhanded compliment because the speaker is suggesting that you don't put an effort into your appearance or personality.

    I don’t get why you’re single. You’re gorgeous! This compliment may imply that someone will only date you because of your looks.

    You clean up real nice. This compliment suggests that you don't usually look nice.

    I didn’t expect that from you. Nice work. This is a backhanded compliment because the speaker is suggesting that your work is usually not well done.

    Your ideas were good for an intern. This comment diminishes your ideas because of your title within the company. [5]

    You look thinner than the last time I saw you. This is a backhanded compliment because it focuses on your looks and minimizes any hard work you put in.

    You seem too nice to be a lawyer. This comment puts a negative stereotype on your career.

    You’re so articulate for a non-native speaker. This compliment uses a negative connotation to describe your culture or ethnicity. [6]

    You’re pretty for a disabled girl. This comment suggests that people with disabilities aren't usually good-looking.
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Section 4 of 5:

How to Respond to Backhanded Compliments

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    While backhanded compliments can sting, they can have a positive connotation. Rather than focusing on the negative feelings the comment invokes, focus on what was positively said. Thank the person for the compliment, and avoid addressing the dig.
    • For instance, if someone says, “You look amazing! You should dress up more often,” focus on the fact that they think you look incredible rather than that your usual attire isn’t up to their standards.
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    A quick change in topic can help redirect the conversation away from you and/or the backhanded compliment. This is a subtle and efficient way to shut down any subtle critics and show the complimenter that you could care less about what they think.
    • Switch topics by bringing the conversation back to them, asking a new question, or pointing out something else around you.
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    Sometimes, humor is the best way to react to a backhanded compliment. Jokes or quick-witted comments are a great way to diffuse or deflect the situation, all while indirectly responding to the critic.
    • Try saying something like, “I’m sure you mean that in the best way possible,” or “I’m glad I exceeded your expectations.”
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    If you’re feeling bold, consider calling the complimenter out to hold them accountable. Backhanded compliments aren’t always meant as backhanded compliments—it’s all about delivery! So, if someone you love or trust says something that hurts you, express it. After all, they won’t know they’ve done something wrong unless they’re called out. [7]
    • For example, if they say, “I didn’t expect that from you,” you might counter with, “I’m not sure what you mean by that. I’ve worked very hard to achieve my goals. You may not have meant for your comment to hurt me, but I’m not sure how to respond.”
    • If they say "I don't get why you're single—you're gorgeous!" you might say "That's interesting! Are all women supposed to be in a relationship?"
    • When dealing with a bully, it's best to face them head-on—especially if it's someone that you interact with often. Doctor Mark Goulston suggests looking them dead in the eye and asking with sincerity, 'What happened to you that it makes you feel good to put others down?' You can also ask them 'Do you think it is okay to make yourself feel better by putting other people down?'"
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    Sometimes, the best thing to do is nothing at all. Responding to negative comments or compliments can be exhausting. So, ask yourself if responding to the backhanded compliment would be worth it—what would you gain? Simply smiling, walking away, and ignoring what was said can be enough to displease the complimenter.
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Section 5 of 5:

Why do people give backhanded compliments?

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    Even if they don’t show it, someone may give a backhanded compliment because they envy something about you. Perhaps they want to appear better than you, and putting you down is a way to lift themselves up (even if they’re not doing so aggressively).
    • Know that not everyone who gives backhanded compliments intends for their comments to be offensive. They may genuinely mean to compliment you; it just sounds more insulting than they thought. [8]

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      References

      1. ↑ https://ponly.com/backhanded-compliments/
      2. ↑ https://www.hbs.edu/ris/Publication%20Files/18-082_f96a8202-ccfe-409b-a8ba-0f187bf678e4.pdf
      3. ↑ https://www.forbes.com/sites/stephaniesarkis/2019/06/25/gaslightersnarcissists-masters-of-the-compliment-insult-or-complisult/?sh=f24759b7b280
      4. ↑ https://ponly.com/backhanded-compliments/
      5. ↑ https://www.hbs.edu/ris/Publication%20Files/18-082_f96a8202-ccfe-409b-a8ba-0f187bf678e4.pdf
      6. ↑ https://hbr.org/2020/07/youve-been-called-out-for-a-microaggression-what-do-you-do
      7. ↑ https://hbr.org/2020/07/youve-been-called-out-for-a-microaggression-what-do-you-do
      8. ↑ https://www.kenan-flagler.unc.edu/news/when-compliments-dont-work/

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