How to Be Obedient

Reviewed by Seth Hall

Last Updated: January 12, 2024 Approved

Obedience is something of a touchy topic, because it can easily morph into something abusive. However, that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with cultivating obedience towards your parents, towards your authority figures (like teachers or bosses), or even towards your faith (if you have one). Remember, obedience is something that should be freely given. If the object of your obedience (like a parent) abuses your obedience, then you have every right to revoke it.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Being Obedient to Your Parents

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1
Be respectful. Part of being obedient is showing respect to your parents, honoring their ideas about what's best for you, and showing that you think they are worth listening to. Make sure that you listen when they talk and respond when they ask you to respond. ^{[1]
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- Don’t ignore them in public. When you are out with your parents you might feel a bit embarrassed by them, but pretending that you don't know them or that you aren't with them is rude in the extreme. It also has the potential to hurt your parents. They don't say that you embarrass them, so why think that way towards them?
- Don’t roll your eyes when they ask you to do something. If you don't like what they are asking you, the polite way to respond is to ask them to present your feelings on why you don't want to do what they want you to. Think of all the times when you were a child and you asked your parents to do something for you and they did it without complaining.
2
Be attentive to your chores. Parents tend not to ask you to do a ton of chores. In fact, they probably work a lot harder than you do. Obedience means doing what you see needs to be done without your parents even asking you to. ^{[2]
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- Avoid making your parents ask you to do something more than once. Everyone gets distracted occasionally, so you might not always remember to do a chore without being asked. Try to avoid having this be a typical thing.
- Do what you can to help out around the house without being specifically ordered. For example: offer to babysit your younger sister so that your parents can have a night off. Or find out when garbage day is and take the garbage out before your mom has to.
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3
Consider why your parents say no, instead of arguing. Parents can have all kinds of rules about what they think you should or shouldn't be doing. You might not always like or agree with these rules, but an obedient child considers their parents' point of view instead of fighting about it. ^{[3]
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- Don’t give in to the knee-jerk reaction to argue with them or express your disappointment or displeasure. If you really need to respond with an argument, make it a debate and not a dispute--try writing or emailing them a letter or message explaining your point of view, rather than shouting and being uncompassionate.
- If they say no to you hanging out with a friend on a Thursday night, they might be concerned about you not completing your homework on time or that you'll be too tired in school the next day.
4
Express your disagreement in a polite manner. There are times when your parents might ask you to do something unreasonable, or place unreasonable restrictions on you. In many cases calmly discussing why you feel their demands are unreasonable, or offering alternatives or a compromise, can go a long way towards getting you what you want without being disobedient. ^{[4]
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- Calmly explain your side of things. Give facts and don’t rely only on feelings.
- Obedience doesn’t mean that you don’t have a mind of your own and it certainly doesn’t mean that you will always need to agree with your parents. But if you disagree and want to express your disagreements, you will have to do it politely but firmly.
5
Be polite. Being polite to your parents is a sign of respect and obedience. You also want to be polite to other people: strangers, family members, friends. This way you'll be demonstrating how well your parents raised you. ^{[5]
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- Make sure that you ask permission to be excused at the dinner table.
- Say “please” and “thank you” even for basic things.
- Hold doors open for people, offer to help people with their groceries.
You can disagree with them, but if they give you a reasonable instruction and you go against them simply to infuriate or upset them, this is not only immoral, but completely sinful. Think of the consequences before you decide to make a decision.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Being Obedient to Authority Figures

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1
Pay attention to what they have to say. When you're trying to be obedient to an authority figure, like your teacher or manager, then you need to pay attention when they are talking. You want to show that you're interested. ^{[6]
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- In class look at the teacher while they’re talking. Take down notes when they give important information and look like you're interested.
- Make sure that you are listening to your boss when they are giving you instructions. Again, eye contact is important.
If there is a problem with an authority figure you should never bring it up in front of people. Instead, ask them if you can talk to them either in their office or after class. ^{[7]
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3
Know how to obey authority. You should always respect authority, but never worship authority. Respecting authority means you recognize that the superior's authority and obey his or her reasonable rules. However, people who respect authority rarely sit quietly and suffer it if an authority figure treats them poorly or unfairly. People who revere authority, on the other hand, literally worship the authority figures; they think that, just because the superior has authority, whatever he or she says must be right. Therefore, revering authority often includes suffering injustices, while respecting authority only gives you the reputation of being respectful, kind and considerate--something worth going for.
- For example: if you feel that your teacher gave you the wrong grade for an assignment, you would go and discuss it with them after class. Present some clear and concise reasons why you feel you deserve a different grade (and no, "worked really hard on it" is not a reason).
4
Understand what is expected from you. It's hard to be obedient to someone if you're not really sure what they want from you. This is part of paying attention to what your authority figure says, because then you know what they need from you. If you happen to disagree with an authority figure, do not be impolite. Merely talk about it courteously, and you may end up getting your way.
- If you're being obedient to your teacher then you'll need to stay on top of things like homework, classwork, any major projects, what they require in terms of in-class participation.
- If you're being obedient to a superior at work then you're going to need to know what's expected from you in terms of your job. You're going to need to pay attention to long-term projects, and make sure to not fritter away your time at work surfing on the internet.
Once you know what is expected of you it's time to fulfill those expectations in a timely manner. If there is a legitimate reason why a certain task or assignment isn't going to be completed on time, make sure that you inform your authority figure.
6
Avoid backtalk. Fighting or bickering with your boss or your teacher is the exact opposite of being obedient. Particularly in a classroom or work situation, your opinion on the authority figure isn't going to be that important.
- Backtalk can also be nonverbal, such as rolling your eyes or smirking when they say something you disagree with or find to be stupid.
- If they tell you to do something don't say something like "This is totally unnecessary." If you have questions or want to know why, ask respectfully but assertively.
7
Act like you respect them. Respect and obedience have a tendency to go hand in hand. To be obedient to someone you need to act like you respect them as an authority figure. When they tell you to do something, you do it, as long as it is reasonable, moral and harmless.
- Be polite and considerate. Say "please" and "thank you". However, remember never to apologize for something or assume responsibility for it if you did not do it .
If your authority figures told you to jump off a cliff, would you still do it obediently? Just like everything else, obedience has its limits. If you cross these limits, you are turning from being disciplined to being unwise and foolish. Watch out when you obey your authority figures--they may be authoritative, but few are completely virtuous.

EXPERT TIP

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards.

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist

Obedience requires thinking through your reasons and making sure they match up with doing the right thing. Before just going along with an authority figure, take a step back. Make sure what they're asking lines up with your ethics. Understand why you feel loyal in the first place. True obedience should bring out your best self, not lead you to compromise your morals.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Being Obedient in a Religion

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Cultivate humility. When you're obedient in following the mandates of your faith it means that you're also being humble. You accept that your god is helping to direct your life and that you accept both the good and the bad that comes.
- Try to avoid taking ownership of the things that happen in your life. When something good happens, remind yourself that it was through the grace of your Great Teacher. If something unhappy happens it is a learning experience brought about by Him or Her, too.
Most faiths and religions have specific rules and regulations that a practitioner is required to follow. Committing to your faith means giving up control of your life (not in a bad way) and understanding that what happens is coming from your Holy Teacher. ^{[8]
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3
Make choices in line with your faith. Again, because of the rules and regulations in different faiths there are going to be certain choices that will be difficult, because they will make you choose between a life that might be materially easier, but not spiritually acceptable. Obedience to your faith means choosing the latter path.
- For example: such a choice could be sacrificing your career path, because it doesn’t align with your beliefs.
- It could also be something like taking significant time out of your day to incorporate prayer.
4
Avoid judging other people based on their beliefs and obedience. Obedience to your faith is a personal thing. It means that you are in connection with your god and your faith and that can be wonderful.
- It does not mean that you have carte blanche to criticize other people's beliefs or infringe on their way of living.

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My girlfriend constantly tells me to always be obedient to her and to do as she says. I get the urge to do so to please her, but it just seems awkward. What should I do?

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You should leave your girlfriend, who is very controlling and doesn't respect you, and find someone with whom you have a relationship as equals. A person should be told to be obedient to authority figures, not one's partner. This is a very unhealthy relationship.

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If you have an argument with your parents, remain calm. Go to your room immediately as the fight begins. Say no more than one sentence, and do NOT cry or implore. One hour later, go back to your parents and observe them. If they are calm, approach them and tell them that you understand what you did wrong (if you did something wrong). Apologize if you did something wrong, and ask for an apology from your parents for their anger. Ask them to speak to you calmly, and tell them that it is easier for you to obey them when they speak eloquently.

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Obedience is a very personal thing, especially as regards obedience to your god. You should avoid making value judgements about other people's faith, other people's families, because you have no idea what they believe or how they see obedience.

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Warnings

Protesting politely is not talking back. As long as you speak politely and do not interrupt, it is not called answering back. If a superior says you are talking back when you are not, just stop talking, make eye contact, smile and say, "Please continue, sir/madam." You don't have to be repentant to do this--but it will cut the authority figure off track in scolding you.

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Always remember that obedience is your right. You have the right to give and retract your obedience to every single person. Do not feel that, if you disobey someone, they will give you a punishment. If you feel this way, you may want to get help--this person may be trying to harass or bully you.

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You have to be careful about obedience. You want it to be based on respect for the figure you are obeying. If they abuse that respect then you should not feel obligated to obey them.

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If you feel that an authority figure is abusing you or intimidating you, get help immediately. This could be an issue that could result in physical violence.

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How to Be Obedient

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Being Obedient to Your Parents

Being Obedient to Authority Figures

Being Obedient in a Religion

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