How to Be the Other Woman and Let Go

Did you fall for someone who’s married, but now you want to make a change? Being caught up in an affair comes with a lot of challenges, but there’s always time to move forward. Healing requires a lot of courage, and you have what it takes. Here, we’ll give you tips for ending a relationship when you’re the other woman. Read on to learn how to let go and put yourself first

This article is based on an interview with our licensed clinical psychologist, Donna Novak, Psy.D Check out the full interview here.

1

Acknowledge that the affair isn’t healthy for you or their family.

  1. When you think about their spouse and any family members, like kids, who miss out when they’re not around, it’ll be easier to resist the person you’ve had an affair with. You’ll also probably feel a lot more relief, because you’ll be able to make new choices that will benefit yourself and others. [1]
    • Think about what you’re missing out on, such as stability, consistency, or honesty.
    • Even if you’re in a different situation from the spouse, you can still imagine what they’re going through. You actually show more empathy when you express care for people who aren’t exactly like you. [2]
    • When you put your affair partner’s family first, you help them heal.
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2

Ask yourself if they really respect you.

  1. [3] Check in with yourself and pay attention to your emotions. Focus on the reality of the situation instead of a fantasy. Do you feel lonely or put down a lot? If you do, take that as a sign that this person isn’t supporting your confidence or growth. [4] [5] You can tell yourself something like: [6]
3

Break up with them.

  1. The sooner you cut off ties with them, the more quickly you can focus on your own healing. If they’ve made you wait a long time to finally become “official,” or you’ve just been in pain, tell them that you’re moving on. Be clear it’s your choice and say something like: [9]
    • “I thought about this a lot, and I know what’s best for me. I can’t see you anymore.”
    • “I want what’s healthy for me, so I’m ending this.”
    • “This has gone on for too long. I deserve better.”
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4

Go no-contact.

  1. If they continue to reach out, ignore their calls or messages and block them. Write down your feelings or frustrations if you want to process the relationship. You can journal something like: [10]
    • “3 days after I broke up with them, they texted me. I had to block them.”
    • “It’s been 2 weeks since we’ve talked. I’m a little sad, but I know this is for the best.”
    • “A whole month has gone by! I already feel a lot better.”
5

Tell them to respect your space if they reach out.

  1. Say you won’t start up an affair again. Every time they beg you to see them again, remind them that you’ve already made your choice. Use short, direct statements like: [11]
    • “You won’t change my mind.”
    • “Please stop contacting me.”
    • “I have different standards for myself now.”
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6

Practice self-care.

  1. Whether your former affair partner keeps reaching out or you haven’t talked to them at all, you might need some extra support. Make yourself some nutritious meals, kick back with your fave movies or shows, and try out some fun activities. Reach out to your friends and family, too. You’ll start to fill your life with a lot more joy. [12]
    • Go for a run with a buddy. You’ll be able to exercise and socialize at the same time.
    • Treat yourself to a warm bubble bath. You can also splurge a little on a massage.
    • Try out some fun new hobbies. For example, you can pick up dancing or painting.
7

Create a strong support system.

  1. Spend time with people who embrace your personality so you can be yourself around them. You can either talk about the affair and its impact on you, or you can just enjoy the company of others. When you feel safe and understood, you’ll gain a lot of self-acceptance and motivation. [13]
    • Identify friends and family who are judgement-free. They should accept all parts of your life.
    • Join a meet-up group where you can make new friends and start fresh.
    • Read biographies or other writings of former “other women.” You may feel solidarity with them.
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8

Explore new interests.

  1. You’ll create new routines and fill up any time you used to spend on the affair. Pursue any activity that inspires you. You can work on it alone or with other people. Either way, you’ll be so focused on the present that you’ll get your mind off the past. [14]
    • Get creative. For example, you can learn to write poetry or play the guitar.
    • Be active. For instance, you can take Pilates or kickboxing classes.
    • Stay curious. You can dive into a new subject like fashion history or even learn a language.
9

List what you deserve in a relationship.

  1. Compare the situation you had with them to a healthy dynamic you’d love to have with someone else. For example, you can write down: [15]
    • “I met them when I felt insecure. I want to date again when I feel really confident.”
    • “They made me feel important, but they didn’t make me a priority. I want to be someone’s #1.”
    • “I got a rush when I was with them, and then I’d crash. I want something stable, instead.”
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10

Seek out counseling.

  1. They’ll be able to help you unpack the relationship, identify any patterns you can change, and walk you through practices that will help you release any uncomfortable feelings you have about the past. A therapist will also create a safe space where you can speak openly and honestly. [16]
    • You’ll likely learn about how your childhood or family has an effect on the people you pursue.
    • They’ll listen to you without any judgment. They’ve had clients in similar situations and just want to help.
    • You can keep going to your sessions even when you’re ready to date again.
    • If you stop going, you can return to therapy if you start to think about the affair again.
11

Forgive yourself.

  1. Whenever you get distracted and remember the affair, challenge any negative ways you think about yourself. For example, if you still blame yourself for the infidelity, remember that you weren’t married and that you ended the relationship. Make it a habit to celebrate all your values and inner strength. You can tell yourself something like: [17]
    • “I made a mistake, but that’s in the past. I am wiser now, and I respect all my new choices.”
    • “I am a very giving and caring person. I ended things for myself and their family.”
    • ”That was a long time ago. I did all I could to make things right.”
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12

Make a plan for your future.

  1. Define what matters to you right now. [18] Keep people in your life that cherish you, and take part in activities that allow you to be your best self. You can volunteer or support your friends. Tell yourself that you can stand up for honesty and integrity every day. For instance, you can say: [19]
    • “I believe in standing up for people in need. I’ll be a strong advocate for change.”
    • “I’ll surround myself with people who aren’t afraid to be themselves.”
    • “Every day is a new chance to be my best self.”

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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/12/dear-therapist-i-had-affair-married-man/617361/
      2. ↑ https://lesley.edu/article/the-psychology-of-emotional-and-cognitive-empathy
      3. ↑ Donna Novak, Psy.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      4. ↑ Donna Novak, Psy.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      5. ↑ Laura Richer. Licensed Mental Health Counselor. Expert Interview
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-psychology-relationships/202103/the-8-reasons-why-people-cheat
      7. ↑ Laura Richer. Licensed Mental Health Counselor. Expert Interview
      8. ↑ Laura Richer. Licensed Mental Health Counselor. Expert Interview
      9. ↑ https://www.wbur.org/dearsugar/2017/05/26/dear-sugar-episode-fifty-two-rerun
      1. ↑ Donna Novak, Psy.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      2. ↑ Donna Novak, Psy.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      3. ↑ Donna Novak, Psy.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      4. ↑ https://trauma-recovery.ca/recovery/building-a-support-system/
      5. ↑ https://www.headtohealth.gov.au/living-well/purposeful-activity
      6. ↑ https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/therootdc/post/better-understanding-the-side-chick/2011/10/10/gIQAhHSicL_blog.html
      7. ↑ https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/advances-in-psychiatric-treatment/article/working-with-guilt-and-shame/E274C3EC63EF0191113B049C5F2C86F3
      8. ↑ Donna Novak, Psy.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      9. ↑ Guy Reichard. Executive Life Coach. Expert Interview
      10. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/between-the-sheets/201809/how-the-other-woman-or-man-fares-after-affair

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