How to Stop Limerence & Get Over an Obsession

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Move on from your one-sided crush and feel like yourself again
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Limerence is an obsession with another person that takes over your life and hijacks your thoughts. It’s often one-sided and unrequited, which makes it particularly annoying and exhausting, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible to get over. We’ll tell you more about it, and also give you advice from clinical psychologists Drs. Jessica Behr and Liana Georgoulis on how to quit it, as well as tell you how long it lasts, signs you’re getting over it, its stages, causes, and symptoms, and how it differs from love.

Getting Rid of Limerence

First, acknowledge you have it and identify your own symptoms, so you’re aware of your behavior. Then, spend time with friends and family, or do physical activities to get your mind off of the other person. Disconnect from the internet to stay present and grounded.

Section 1 of 8:

Getting Over Limerence

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  1. The first step to getting over it is accepting that you have it. [1] Once you do that, you can start working through the process. Take a moment to ask yourself how you feel, or how you're acting, and whether or not those feelings and actions are due to limerence. For example, ask yourself:
    • Am I obsessing over this person?
    • Does my happiness feel tied to this person?
    • Do I care about my other relationships as much as I care about this one?
    • How would I feel if I stopped talking to this person?
    • Is this a real relationship, or a one-sided fixation?
  2. 2
    Spend time with your friends to maintain other relationships. When you’re going through limerence, your other relationships start to fall by the wayside. Georgoulis recommends that you “stay active socially with other people and consider dating other people until you know someone well and they show you they are consistent and trustworthy.” That way, you remind yourself that the relationships you already have are more important than the one you’re focusing on in your mind.
    • If you can, schedule regular hangouts , like a weekly game night, or weekend bowling or theater visits. This way, you build healthy social habits that are easy to keep up.
    • Even if you’re just texting or calling friends, it’s the connection that’s important. Limerence can cut you off completely, so staying in touch is vital.
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  3. 3
    Redirect your thoughts to the present moment. When you’re going through limerence, it’s easy to get sucked into a wormhole of obsession, where the only thing that matters is the other person. “Recognize when the obsessive thinking is happening,” Georgoulis says, “and redirect your focus instead on the activity you are engaging in in the present moment.” Mindfulness is one of your greatest tools here.
    • When you catch yourself obsessing, move to another room and practice deep breathing —10 seconds in, 10 seconds out—to stop the spiraling.
    • Focus on your 5 senses to ground yourself. What do you see? Hear? Taste? Smell? Touch?
    • Put away your phone and pick up a physical activity to stay rooted in the present moment, instead of letting your thoughts carry you away.
    EXPERT TIP

    Liana Georgoulis, PsyD

    Licensed Psychologist
    Dr. Liana Georgoulis is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist based in Los Angeles, California. She is the founder and clinical director of Coast Psychological Services. With over 12 years of experience, her mission is to provide clients with effective, well-studied, and established treatments that bring about significant improvements in her patients' lives. Her practice provides cognitive behavioral therapy and other evidence-based therapies for adolescents, adults, and couples. Additionally, she provides group therapy for social anxiety, social skills, and assertiveness training. Providing a space where clients feel understood and supported is essential to her work. Dr. Georgoulis also provides clinical supervision to post-doctoral fellows and psychological assistants. She received her PhD in Clinical Psychology from Pepperdine University and a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Los Angeles.
    Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
    Licensed Psychologist

    The more you engage in obsessive thinking the stronger it grows. Try to be active and create a nice flow to your day doing things you enjoy that are engaging so you can get out of your head and into your life. Obsessive thinning can often lead to compulsive behavior. It’s often not enough to work on obsessive thinking, try not to engage in compulsive behaviors either. Compulsive behavior contributes to and amplifies obsessive thinking.

  4. 4
    Distract yourself with physical activities. Try to stay away from intangible things, like scrolling on your phone, which doesn’t engage your body. Instead, pick up a book, draw on paper, go for a run, cook something tasty. These activities all help you stay in the present moment and inside your body, focusing your attention on the here and now. Georgoulis says to do “things you enjoy” to keep your mind happy and occupied.
    • If possible, choose things that are totally disconnected from your crush. If they love gardening, for example, do something else that won’t remind you of them.
  5. 5
    Remind yourself of your worth to boost your self-esteem. Limerence preys on low-self esteem and moments of self-doubt, as you use your obsession to fill that void. [2] It helps to realize that you deserve respect, happiness, and fulfillment, not a hazy and uncertain relationship. Boost your self-esteem by doing something you’re good at, or by using positive affirmations .
    • For example, write a list of everything you’ve accomplished in the past year, or anything else you’re proud of.
    • Also list things you like about yourself, like your skills, talents, or qualities. Are you generous? Thoughtful? Clever? Write it all down!
  6. 6
    Compare your fantasy to reality. Behr recommends reviewing how the fantasy version of this person stacks up to what you actually know about them to help shatter the illusion that they’re perfect. Be honest and ask yourself what you think about them and why. What are your expectations? What are you hoping will happen?
    • Then, make a list of only the cold hard facts you know about them, and not how you feel about those facts. Are they tall or short? What do they like? What do they dislike? Are they bad at anything?
    • You may find that your fantasy and the reality are worlds apart, which can put things in perspective.
    • Or, you may find that you don’t actually know much at all about this person, which can be a sobering reality check.
  7. 7
    Disconnect from social media and the internet. The age of the internet has made limerence a much easier trap to fall into, since it’s easy to check in and follow your limerence object constantly. Often, the best way to kill limerence at the source is to disconnect. [3] Disable your social media for a while, block the person, and do your best to live in the real world.
    • Opt for non-digital or non-internet activities instead, like reading a newspaper or book, or calling friends, rather than scrolling.
  8. 8
    Ask yourself what truly fulfills you, then chase it. Often, limerence is filling some hole. You want something, and have decided that this person is the best way to get it, but that’s not true. Behr recommends identifying your true craving. Ask yourself honestly what it is you want, or what you lack. Are you lonely? Do you crave validation? Do you feel unfulfilled? Bored? Do your best to pinpoint this, then ask yourself how you can achieve your true desire, rather than chasing after an impossible relationship.
    • For example, if you feel lonely or misunderstood, you may want to fall back on a friend or therapist to talk it out.
    • If you feel unfulfilled or bored, you may need to reconnect with your passions and get more involved in them.
  9. 9
    See a therapist or psychiatrist to better understand yourself. Limerence isn’t always a one-and-done deal. It’s a cycle and a pattern, and the best way to stop the cycle is to understand yourself and what drives you. Seeing a therapist , psychiatrist, or counselor is the best way to get a professional opinion and perspective, and to start working through your hurdles in a safe environment. [4]
    • Often, a professional will recommend cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to help you redirect your thoughts and habits into healthier behaviors.
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Section 2 of 8:

How long does limerence last?

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  1. It all depends on your own situation, attitude, and attachment. Slight episodes only tend to last a few weeks to a few months, while more extreme episodes can last years. [5] What’s important is remembering that, no matter how long it lasts, it is temporary, and you will get through it.
    • Wanting to end the cycle of limerence is key to shortening its length. If you give in to it, you’ll only extend the time you spend inside it.
    • The length also depends on things like the cause and origin, if you encourage it, your relationship to the person, and your own mental health.
Section 3 of 8:

Signs You’ve Beaten Limerence

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  1. 1
    You feel more detached and apathetic about your limerence object. This is the clearest sign. Before, you were totally obsessed, and everything your crush did made you feel better or worse. After limerence, though, you stop caring so much about what they say or do. Your attachment weakens, and you let it slip away. [6]
    • You might stop checking their social media, analyzing their words or actions, or form new bonds with other people.
  2. 2
    You feel more confident and self-assured. Limerence depends on uncertainty. When you can’t have what you want, you put more attention into getting it, but only as long as you can’t have it. This preys on your confidence. But after limerence, you have more faith in yourself, and you detach your self-worth from the pursuit of your own desire. Your self-esteem is no longer dependent on wanting someone else. [7]
    • As is often the case, true self-worth comes from within, and being satisfied with yourself and your achievements, not in having something or someone else.
  3. 3
    You can think clearly and reevaluate your opinions. As your obsession fades, your mind clears, and you can come to understand your own thoughts and behaviors. [8] You realize what you were doing and why it was damaging, and more importantly, you stop doing it. This lets you break free from those bad habits and thought patterns, and you regain control of your life.
  4. 4
    You feel attracted or interested in other people. During limerence, only one person matters in your life, and other people are only important in how they relate to that person. After limerence, though, you become interested in other people again, and not just because they can get you closer to your obsession. You see them as real, independent people, and become invested in their lives again. [9]
    • You might reconnect with friends and family, or start dating. Or, you might simply find yourself curious about what strangers are doing or thinking.
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Section 4 of 8:

Stages of Limerence

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  1. 1
    Infatuation Limerence often starts off as something similar to a crush. You become interested in or attracted to a particular person, and get swept up in fantasies. It quickly becomes infatuation, though, as your feelings become intense and passionate, and your relationship with them starts to demand your attention. [10]
    • During this stage, you also idealize your limerence object, convincing yourself that they’d make an ideal partner, and that your interactions are proof or evidence of a spark.
  2. 2
    Crystallization In this stage , infatuation becomes full-on obsession that starts to impact your mental and physical well-being. Your limerence object becomes your primary focus, and other things fall to the wayside, like sleeping, eating, or following through with your responsibilities. Your limerence lodges itself into your mind, and becomes the main thing you organize your life around. [11]
    • This influences your behavior. You might develop new habits or let old ones slip, like changing your schedule to match your crush’s, or losing sleep to check their social media.
    • During this stage, you feed off the uncertainty of the relationship, and it becomes what motivates and sustains you. As long as there’s a chance, your limerence grows.
  3. 3
    Deterioration This is when the limerence becomes unsustainable. Maybe you realize that it’s never going to work, and that sinks you into a depression. You find your crush’s faults or shortcomings, and this frustrates you as you realize they fall short of your expectations. Or, your limerence might be emboldened by positive interactions or even entering a relationship, which reinforces your fantasies, even as they get more and more precarious, and the relationship suffers because of it. [12]
  4. 4
    Resolution This is where your limerence falls apart completely. It might fade over time as your expectations continue to fail and you give up on your fantasies. Or, it might shatter all at once if your crush does something drastic, like cut off all contact. Sometimes, it ends peacefully, like if you enter a healthy relationship with someone else, where you can grow and feel safe. [13] Whatever the case, you realize, accept, and move past your feelings.
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Section 5 of 8:

Causes of Limerence

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  1. 1
    Limerence can be caused by a lack of natural brain chemicals. Those chemicals, called “neurotransmitters,” are things like dopamine or serotonin, which are the hormones that give you pleasure and good feelings. Sometimes, when someone has too little of these, their brain tries to find positive emotions elsewhere, like by obsessing over another person. [14]
    • This is why limerence is also linked to depression, anxiety, and other mental health conditions, since these also often deprive you of these positive chemicals.
  2. 2
    Low self-esteem or social media use can also cause limerence. Sometimes, we feel so unworthy of love and affection that we decide that it’s better to throw ourselves into a one-sided relationship that’s doomed from the start, because it feels predictable and, in a twisted way, secure. We’re afraid of things actually working out, so we go for the thing that’s more uncertain. [15]
    • Social media definitely doesn’t help this. When we see a constant feed of people’s life highlights, we feel worse about ourselves, and get stuck in a vicious cycle.
  3. 3
    Past traumas or mental health problems often encourage limerence. Trauma like abuse, abandonment, or neglect can give rise to limerence. [16] This sometimes happens because the trauma has triggered certain expectations, habits, or behavioral patterns that are easy targets for the one-sided obsession that limerence encourages. It’s somewhat common in people with anxious attachment styles, who believe they’re unworthy of a healthy relationship.
    • For example, if you fear abandonment because of a past relationship, you might seek other uncertain relationships without actually entering one, because you’re afraid that a solid relationship might one day fail.
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Section 6 of 8:

Signs of Limerence

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  1. The biggest symptom is your attention, or lack of it. When you have limerence, almost every thought is related to the limerence object, to the point where you start to have trouble focusing on anything else, like school, work, or other relationships. [17] It’s an overwhelming force that dominates your life, whether you want it to or not.
  2. 2
    You have dramatic mood swings centered on your crush. When you’re in limerence, you pay extra close attention to your crush and how they act or what they say to you. If you have a positive interaction with them, you feel exhilarated. If it feels like a negative interaction, you’re thrown into despair. This can result in major mood swings that become exhausting and overwhelming. [18]
    • Often, these mood swings depend on your own interpretation of events, which isn’t always accurate.
  3. 3
    You form rituals, habits, or obsessions related to your crush. You might check their social media every hour, or wait for them to come online. You might stare at photos of them on your camera roll, or obsessively draft messages that you never send. Limerence often results in these sorts of rituals that aren’t useful, productive, or healthy. [19]
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Section 7 of 8:

What is limerence?

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  1. Often, that attachment isn’t mutual, but even so, it’s intense, and you just can’t stop thinking about the other person. It’s more than just a crush—it takes over and dominates your mind, mood, and even habits, and alters your ability to function normally. Most importantly, it’s not voluntary, and you don’t have much say in how attached you are. [20]
    • The person you feel attachment to is known as the “ limerence object .” It might be a good friend, a crush, or even just a passing acquaintance.
  2. 2
    Limerence is a constant state, not just a one-off obsession. The obsession and attachment are just the most obvious symptoms, but limerence is sort of like depression in that it’s always “running in the background.” [21] It’s a pattern of how you form attachments and relate to other people, and so it’s not just a matter of “getting over” someone, but of changing your own perspective and understanding of yourself.
    • Research suggests that while limerence can fade, it’s not something you just “snap out of.” It’s cyclical and persistent, but not unbeatable.
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Section 8 of 8:

Limerence vs. Love

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  1. Being in love means wanting the other person to thrive, and to help them do that. Limerence, though, is more inward-looking. When we have limerence, we want the other person because we idealize them and think it’ll solve something within us. Limerence also doesn’t necessarily include sexual desire, as love often does. [22]
    • Limerence is obsessive, while love is devoted. Limerence is a pattern of behavior constructed for yourself, while love is behavior you do for another person.

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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/feb/13/when-you-cant-quit-a-crush
      2. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/limerence
      3. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/limerence
      4. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/limerence
      5. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/limerence
      6. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/limerence
      7. ↑ https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8641115/#section3-23743735211060812
      8. ↑ https://reallifemag.com/new-feelings-crush-fatigue/
      9. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/limerence
      1. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/limerence
      2. ↑ https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8641115/
      3. ↑ https://reallifemag.com/new-feelings-crush-fatigue/
      4. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/limerence
      5. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/limerence
      6. ↑ https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8641115/
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/limerence
      8. ↑ https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8641115/
      9. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/limerence
      10. ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/feb/13/when-you-cant-quit-a-crush
      11. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/limerence
      12. ↑ https://reallifemag.com/new-feelings-crush-fatigue/
      13. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/limerence

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