How to Become Comfortable with Kissing a Girl

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Whether it's your first kiss ever or just your first kiss with your new crush, kissing a girl can feel intimidating. The truth is, though, that kissing a girl can be easy and enjoyable as long as you feel comfortable with yourself and your connection with her. Start by building up your own confidence and working past a fear of rejection. Then ask your crush out and get to know her better. Once you feel a connection between the two of you, go in for the kiss, and don’t be afraid to ask her permission beforehand.

Part 1
Part 1 of 3:

Building Your Confidence

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    Think about asking your crush on a date or to get a cup of coffee and imagine her saying, “I’d love to!” Picturing positive outcomes can help you slowly build the confidence you need to feel and look more comfortable when you approach a girl in a romantic situation. [1]
    • When you mentally picture a negative outcome to a situation, try to counteract the thought by telling yourself, “That is one way things could happen, but here’s a better outcome.”
    • Don’t try to counteract your positive mental image once you’ve pictured it. Allow yourself to believe that the outcome you pictured is a possibility.
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    Help boost your confidence approaching and interacting with girls by practicing with some that you don’t want to kiss. Try holding conversations with or paying compliments to girls other than your crush as a way of practicing your skills for when you approach her.
    • Do not lead anyone on or try to make someone believe you have feeling for them when you do not.
    • Instead, try paying a girl a simple, sincere compliment such as, “Your answer in class today was really insightful,” or, “I really like how you’re wearing your hair today.”
    • Remember that compliments and conversations can and generally should be about more than physical attraction or attributes. Try to pay attention to her mind and personality if you really want her to notice you. [2]
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    Just as there are some girls you wouldn’t want to kiss or ask out, some girls won’t want to kiss or go out with you. It may sting at first, but it’s important to remind yourself, “This rejection simply lets me focus on pursuing someone with whom I’m more compatible.”
    • If you are feeling hurt by rejection, remind yourself of your positive attributes. Let yourself know, “I am smart, funny, and I have great hair. There is a girl out there who will be happy to kiss someone like me.”
    • Remember that no girl owes you anything. She does not have to kiss you if she does not want to, and you cannot force her to change her mind, nor can you force yourself on her.
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Part 2
Part 2 of 3:

Figuring Out if She Wants a Kiss

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    Going straight for the kiss tends to work best in movies. In real life, it will help ease your nerves and make her more comfortable if you start things slow. Ask your crush out on a date like getting coffee or even on a study date if you two are in a class together. [3]
    • Take the time on the date to get to know her. Ask her questions such as, “What sort of hobbies are you into?” Offer your own views on her responses with statements like, “I’ve never done that activity but I would really like to try it.”
    • Actively listen to her responses. Listen to what she’s saying to get a better idea of whether she is looking for a romantic partner or if she’s more interested in making friends. Statements like, “My last crush didn’t work out so well,” could indicate she’s not looking for anything right now.
    • Look your crush in the eyes when you are talking to her. This allows her to feel respected and listened to, and helps you better see and interpret her body language.
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    Flirting is both verbal and physical. Watch a girl’s body language to see if she’s showing signs of interest. Physical signals such as leaning toward you, touching your shoulder or arm, or looking away and giggling when you catch her eye could all be indicators of her interest. [4]
    • Look for multiple body language cues that indicate interest. Just one may be the result of a habit or friendly behavior, but multiple cues can help better indicate interest.
    • If you think she might be interested in you, test the waters by gently touching her on the hand or forearm. If she pulls away, don’t be insulted or act cruel. Just understand that she was not comfortable with you in her space at that time.
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    It’s a completely made-up idea that kisses need to be spontaneous or a surprise. If you like a girl and you think things are going well between the two of you, let her know, “I think I would like to kiss you. Would that be okay?” [5]
    • Many girls will take being asked whether or not they want a kiss as a sign of respect and a show of affection. Don’t be afraid to ask.
    • Allow her space to be honest. If she says yes, go in for the kiss. If she says no, accept her answer and thank her for her honesty.
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Part 3
Part 3 of 3:

Going in for the Kiss

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    There is no mandate that you have to kiss anyone at any point in time. Take time to remember that you are in control, and you get to decide who you kiss and when. Do not let others pressure you into the idea that you must kiss someone at a specific time or moment. [6]
    • Feeling more in control of the situation will help you relax and gain more comfort with the physical kissing process.
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    A kiss may feel strange or intimidating if you don't have tolerance for other types of physical contact. Start with actions such as holding hands, touching the girl on the shoulder, or allowing her to cuddle up next to you with your arm wrapped around her. Establishing baselines for physical contact will help make the eventual kiss more comfortable. [7]
    • Always make sure that your partner is comfortable with any physical contact. If you are not completely sure of what they want, ask them, "Can I hold your hand?" or, "Would you mind if I put my arm around you?" [8]
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    Even if a girl likes you, she is not going to want to kiss someone with bad breath or food stuck in their teeth. Before the end of your time with your crush, excuse yourself to the bathroom to check for debris in your smile and pop a mint or brush your teeth. [9]
    • You may want to consider carrying a tin of your favorite mints with you on your date. Do not rely on gum, as it does less to mask bad breath.
    • You may also want to apply a little lip balm to help your lips from feeling chapped or uncomfortable.
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    A kiss on the cheek is a nice gesture at the end of a date or a flirty hangout session, especially if you haven’t asked her if a lip-to-lip kiss is okay. Lean in and give her a light kiss on the cheek, and thank her for her time and company. Then, wait to see how she responds. [10]
    • If she smiles, giggles, or lets you know that she enjoyed the cheek kiss, it may be an indicator that she’s open to a kiss on the lips.
    • If she states that she does not think of you in a romantic way or otherwise appears uncomfortable with your actions, accept the rejection and do not push her into further discomfort.
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    A first kiss will always be a little scary, but it should also be exciting. If you have a good sense that both of you are ready for it, or if you’ve asked her if she’d like a kiss, all that’s left to do is lean in and put your lips against hers. You will typically have a pretty good instinct of what to do from there. [11]
    • Don’t start with a French kiss or a wet, sloppy kiss. Go for a closed-mouth smooch at first, and wait to see how she reacts before kissing her again.
    • If you are unsure about her feelings, ask her, “Can I kiss you again?” or “Did you enjoy that?”
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    What should I do if I have a bad first kiss?
    Imad Jbara
    Dating Coach
    Imad Jbara is a Dating Coach for NYC Wingwoman LLC, a relationship coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Imad services 100+ clients, men and women, to improve their dating lives through authentic communication skills. He has a BA in Psychology from the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth.
    Imad Jbara
    Dating Coach
    Expert Answer
    Honestly, just shake it off. First kisses are rarely perfect. I wouldn't recommend dwelling on it for too long or making it bigger than it is. Your second and third kisses are going to be much better! Like everything, it can take practice to get better.
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      Tips

      • Do not let social pressure dictate your actions or level of comfort. There is no need to rush into a kiss when you don’t know if you’re ready or if the girl is interested.
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      • Remember that enthusiastic consent is always the best policy. Ask the girl if she wants to be kissed, and don’t assume anything other than, “Yes” means yes.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/how-to-be-awesome-at-approaching-people/
      2. ↑ Imad Jbara. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.
      3. ↑ Imad Jbara. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.
      4. ↑ https://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating/signs-a-girl-likes-you.html
      5. ↑ https://pairedlife.com/physical-intimacy/PandasKissingHub
      6. ↑ https://introvertspring.com/introvert-how-to-feel-comfortable-getting-closer/
      7. ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/oct/27/where-are-you-comfortable-touched-by-whom
      8. ↑ https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/science/science-news/11955659/Can-I-touch-you-there-Oxford-University-creates-map-of-acceptability.html
      9. ↑ https://www.cnn.com/2011/HEALTH/02/13/bad.breath.remedies/
      1. ↑ https://thesocialman.com/kiss-a-girl-date/?hvid=4GHAsJ
      2. ↑ https://www.rookiemag.com/2013/04/kissing-complete-guide/

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