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Safe strategies for leaving someone who threatens suicide or self-harm
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Deciding to break up with a suicidal partner can feel like an impossible choice. As much as you want to put your own mental health and well-being first, you’re understandably anxious and concerned about the potential consequences. While threats of suicide can signify a severe mental health crisis that your partner is struggling with, they can also be an emotionally abusive tactic used to manipulate you within the relationship. In either case, we’re here to walk you through exactly what to say and do immediately after a suicide threat, as well as what you can do to break things off for good in the aftermath. We’ll even offer some advice on how to move on from this difficult relationship so you can begin to heal.
Things You Should Know
- Call 911 (or another emergency service number) when your partner threatens to take their own life. Call the Suicide Lifeline at 988 for more guidance and support if you're in the United States or Canada.
- Let your partner know that you care about them, but make it clear that they are in charge of their actions.
- If you feel unsafe breaking up privately in person, have the conversation with your partner over text or in a public place.
Steps
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Call for help if you think the threat is viable. If there’s any chance that your partner could seriously follow through with their suicidal threats, dial 911 or another emergency number to get them support. If you aren’t completely sure if their threat is serious, call your local suicide prevention hotline for guidance. [1] X Research source
- In the United States and Canada, 988 is the official suicide prevention hotline—they also have a chat-based site . Visit the International Suicide Hotlines website to access an international directory of hotlines.
- In some cases, threats of suicide are used as a form of emotional manipulation. In any case, it’s always a good idea to call for help in case the threat is serious.
- Try not to challenge or argue with your partner about their suicide threats. If they feel like you aren't taking them seriously, they may hurt themselves just to prove you wrong.
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Express your boundaries clearly and concisely. Speak to your partner using empathy , and make it clear that you do care about their safety and well-being. [2] X Expert Source Rachel Eddins, M.Ed., LPC-S
Licensed Professional Counselor Expert Interview. 23 March 2022. However, make it just as clear that their threats aren’t fair to you, and that they put you in an uncomfortable position. [3] X Research source- “Your safety is really important to me, but I don’t feel comfortable being put in this position.”
- “I understand that you aren’t feeling good, but I wish we could find a different resolution to this situation.”
- “I care about you and want you to be safe, but I don’t feel like I’m being put in a very fair position.”
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Remind your partner that they’re in control of their life. Suicide is incredibly tragic, but at the end of the day, it’s a personal decision. Gently remind your partner of this fact if they threaten to take their own life— let them know that you’re there to support them , but that you can’t force them to do or not do anything. [4] X Research source
- “You mean a lot to me, and I’m happy to help you find a counselor to meet with if you think that would help. However, this choice is completely yours—I won’t make you do anything you aren’t interested in doing.
- “I feel hurt and a little helpless when you threaten to hurt yourself like this. I want you to be safe, but that decision belongs to you, not me.”
- “I’m really sorry to hear that you’re struggling, but making threats like this isn’t fair or healthy. I don’t want to be in a relationship that’s ruled by fear.”
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Ignore any of your partner’s demands to “prove” your loyalty. Your partner might make a lot of comments about how you’re somehow responsible for their self-harm, or that you need to somehow “prove” your love by helping them with a crisis. Healthy relationships aren’t rooted in a sense of fear or obligation but in one of mutual respect. If your partner tries to guilt you into thinking otherwise, they are completely in the wrong. [5] X Research source
- Statements like “If you loved me, you wouldn’t let me hurt myself” are good examples of this. At the end of the day, a person’s mental health and sense of mental well-being are their responsibility. It isn’t up to you, their friends, or anyone else to keep them safe.
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Offer helpful mental health resources to your partner. If your partner’s threats of suicide seem serious, provide them with ways to get mental health support. Here are a few websites to get you started: [6] X Expert Source Rachel Eddins, M.Ed., LPC-S
Licensed Professional Counselor Expert Interview. 23 March 2022.
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Make your break up clear and to the point. Your breakup doesn’t need to be especially poetic or long-winded, even if you’re meeting in person—you just need to provide a short statement that you’re ending the relationship, and why. [7] X Research source To prevent the conversation from escalating, use “I-statements” as a way to take ownership of your feelings rather than pinning the blame on your ex-partner. [8] X Research source
- “I feel like this relationship isn’t good for my mental and emotional well-being, and I need to break things off to focus on myself.”
- “I don’t think this relationship is healthy, and I think we should go our separate ways.”
- “I realize that you have a lot on your plate right now, but I don’t think I have the emotional capacity to give you the support that you need. I think it’s best that we break up.”
- Make it clear that your breakup isn’t up for negotiation, and that you’re not going to change your mind. [9]
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Expert Source
Rachel Eddins, M.Ed., LPC-S
Licensed Professional Counselor Expert Interview. 23 March 2022.
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Emphasize that you care about the other person. [10] X Expert Source Rachel Eddins, M.Ed., LPC-S
Licensed Professional Counselor Expert Interview. 23 March 2022. Tell your boyfriend or girlfriend that they are still important to you, even though you're breaking up. Let them know that you don't want them to hurt themselves.- Say something like, “I still really care about you, and I'm sorry this is so hard for you.” You might also say, "It hurts me to hear you say you'll hurt yourself. Even though our relationship isn't working out, I still believe you are a wonderful person."
- Understand that they may not believe you when you say this. Let them know what you are willing to do for them, but do not feel pressured to do something you're not comfortable with.
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Tell the person they are defined by more than a relationship with you. Remind your partner of their good qualities, their talents, and their interests. Tell them they don't need another person to define or complete them. [11] X Research source
- For example, say something like, “I know it's hard to think about now, but you're a lot more than just half of our relationship. You're going to go to veterinary school and do good things with your life. In time, you'll even be happy with somebody else.”
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Identify and lean on the members of your support system. Your support system is anyone who unconditionally has your back during a trying time, like a close friend or loved one. Knowing exactly who’s in your support system can be a big solace when you’re approaching a difficult life event like a breakup (especially when you’re ending things with a potentially suicidal and/or emotionally abusive partner). [12] X Research source
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Develop a safety plan if your partner may harm you as well as themself. Think of a contingency plan that will keep you safe throughout the break-up process. While safety plans may differ from person to person, their ultimate goal is the same: to give you a sense of safety and security as you prepare to exit your relationship. Be sure to include things like: [13] X Research source
- A trusted friend or loved one you can reach out to if you need a place to stay.
- A list of items to take along when you leave.
- Ways to stay safe in the following weeks and months (e.g., going to work with a friend).
- Ways to diffuse and/or escape from unpleasant encounters with your ex.
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Break up digitally if you don’t feel comfortable or safe doing it in person. While in-person breakups are typically the gold standard, they aren’t the only option—especially if you don’t feel safe ending things in person. A quick and concise text can get the message across clearly without putting you in an uncomfortable position. [14] X Research source
- If you’d rather break up in person: Choose a public spot to drop the news, rather than meeting up at one of your homes. For extra support and security, have some friends or loved ones nearby that you can leave with after the fact.
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Alert the person's family or friends. If you are fearful of your partner's safety, make sure someone will look out for your ex after you break things off. Contact one or two of their family members, friends, or roommates, and tell them about your concerns. Ask them to be present in the household so they can offer extra support after the breakup. [15] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- Say something like, “Hey, I know this isn't a fun thing to talk about, but I'm going to break up with Emily tonight. She's threatening to hurt herself, and I'm worried. Will you come over so she has support once I leave?”
- Avoid leaving until others have arrived so that you can be sure the person is safe.
- Choose people you know are close to your soon-to-be-ex partner.
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Do activities that you enjoy. Any breakup is bound to come with its fair share of heartache and sorrow, which is completely valid and understandable. Be kind to yourself as you navigate life beyond your relationship by doing activities that are sure to bring you comfort, like: [16] X Research source
- Diving into a good book
- Going for a nature walk
- Playing a new video game
- Spending time with your friends
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Remind yourself why you ended the relationship. Relationships can be core elements of our lives, and it’s understandable to feel a bit displaced (and even regretful) after ending things. Take a moment to really think about why you broke things off in the first place, and why you’re better off without this person in your life. [17] X Research source This may be especially helpful if your ex-partner used threats of suicide to emotionally manipulate you.
- "I broke up with my ex because they emotionally manipulated and abused me frequently."
- "I ended my relationship because I felt more like a counselor and psychologist than a partner."
- "I didn’t feel like my needs were being met or prioritized during my relationship, so I ended things."
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Continue to lean on your support system. Let your friends and loved ones know how they can help you in the future, especially if you’ve recently left a manipulative partner who tried to control you with threats of suicide. For example, if you’re worried about potentially running into your ex at a specific place, let your support system know before you head there. [18] X Research source
- You might ask a friend to walk around your neighborhood with you rather than doing it by yourself.
- You might spend the night with a loved one if you’re worried about your ex stopping by unannounced.
- You might call a friend for support if your ex tries to get in touch with you again.
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Remember that you deserve to live a happy and fulfilling life. Recovering from any breakup is hard, especially if your ex-partner displayed emotionally manipulative behavior. Reminding yourself of a few core and integral facts can help you to reclaim your truth and live your best life: [19] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.
- You deserve to feel safe and cared for at home.
- You are not responsible for how you were treated.
- You do not have to face your past or your future alone.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionIs it okay to break up with someone because of mental health?Rachel Eddins is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Executive Director of Eddins Counseling Group. With more than 20 years of experience, she specializes in working with clients with eating disorders, anxiety and depression, relationship issues, and career obstacles. Rachel earned a BA in Psychology from The University of Texas at Austin and an MEd in Counseling from The University of Houston. She received a Group Psychotherapist Certification from the American Group Psychotherapy Association and an Intuitive Eating Counselor Certification through Intuitive Eating Pros. She is also recognized as a Master Career Counselor through the National Career Development Association.Yes, it is. This is a very challenging situation, and you may feel afraid for your partner. However, you cannot make anyone feel or do anything, as you only have control over yourself. Threats are typically a means of control or emotional abuse, which is not a healthy behavior pattern in a relationship.
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Tips
- Call a hotline if you’re experiencing any type of abuse—there are trained professionals ready and willing to listen and help. If you live in the United States or Canada, call 988; if you live in the UK, call 0808 2000 247; and if you live in Australia, call 1800 737 732. [20] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to sourceThanks
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References
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/wellness/2011/11/manipulated-by-suicide-threats
- ↑ Rachel Eddins, M.Ed., LPC-S. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 23 March 2022.
- ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-to-do-if-your-partner-threatens-suicide/
- ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-to-do-if-your-partner-threatens-suicide/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/wellness/2011/11/manipulated-by-suicide-threats#1
- ↑ Rachel Eddins, M.Ed., LPC-S. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 23 March 2022.
- ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/break-up.html
- ↑ https://www.bumc.bu.edu/facdev-medicine/files/2011/08/I-messages-handout.pdf
- ↑ Rachel Eddins, M.Ed., LPC-S. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 23 March 2022.
- ↑ Rachel Eddins, M.Ed., LPC-S. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 23 March 2022.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fighting-fear/201403/if-you-leave-me-ill-kill-myself
- ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/should-we-break-up/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-stop-going-back-to-an-abusive-relationship#how-to-stop-going-back
- ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/should-we-break-up/
- ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/11352-recognizing-suicidal-behavior
- ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/should-we-break-up/
- ↑ https://www.roberts.edu/media/14139/breakup_planning_guide_1_onelove.pdf
- ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/should-we-break-up/
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm
About This Article
Article Summary
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Breaking up with someone who is threatening suicide can be scary and stressful, but you can make the breakup as smooth as possible by emphasizing that you care about them. For example, say something like, “It hurts me to hear you say you'll hurt yourself. Even though our relationship isn't working out, I still believe you are a wonderful person." To give them an outlet for their feelings, provide them with the number for a suicide hotline and encourage them to talk to someone about their feelings so they know they’re not alone. You can also contact 1 or 2 of their close friends or family members to make sure someone is there to support your ex. Once you’ve broken up with them, give the person time and space so they can start the recovery process without constant reminders of you. For more tips from our co-author, including how to deal with your own emotions after a breakup, read on!
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