How to Build Chemistry in a Relationship (What to Do When There's No Chemistry)

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If you’ve been feeling like you’re missing that spark between you and your partner, you’re not alone. It’s normal not to feel in love all the time, but a lack of chemistry could look like a few things: you might find yourself not wanting to give or receive affection, or maybe you aren’t communicating with your partner as much as you’d like. [1] Whether you’re trying to get back to the same chemistry you once had with your partner, or you’re looking for ways to create it, there are plenty of ways to light that spark. We’re here to help by bringing you 11 tips for building chemistry in your relationship.
This article is based on an interview with our licensed clinical psychologist, Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Check out the full interview here.

1

Hold hands.

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    The next time you’re walking with your partner, or even just sitting on the couch, grab their hand. Link your fingers together, and build your emotional closeness by being physically close. [2]
    • Holding hands is even good for your health: studies have shown that holding hands can reduce anxiety. When you hold someone’s hand, your heart rates and breathing begin to synchronize, which creates feelings of comfort. [3]
    • You can also build chemistry and intimacy in your relationship by using other forms of physical touch. [4] Try giving your partner a light back or shoulder rub. This doesn’t have to lead to sex—you can just enjoy feeling your partner’s body. [5]
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2

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    Then, ask for them to do the same for you. Sharing something vulnerable about yourself brings you closer emotionally and adds surprise to your relationship, which is a crucial part of building chemistry. [6]
    • This isn’t the time to share secrets that could hurt your partner’s feelings. Don’t tell them that you hated the birthday gift they got for you, unless you know they’ll be light-hearted about it. Keep your secrets focused on stories about you that they don’t already know.
    • If you’re struggling to come up with something to tell your partner, think about a memory you might have from the time before you knew them. You might say something like, “I once did something terrible as a child, and I still think about it sometimes.”
3

Change up your sex routine.

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    Think of sex as being about exploration, and learning what new things your partner and you might enjoy. Be curious about your partner’s desires, and try experimenting with new locations or times for sex. [7]
    • If you haven’t been having sex, try regularly scheduling it for a night when you both feel unstressed. You can build up tension that way, which can be a great way of adding a spark to your sex life. [8]
    • If you’ve only been having sex in your bedroom, try renting a hotel room for the night, or driving down to a new place. [9]
    • You can open up a conversation with your partner about this by saying something like, “Tell me about what kinds of things you have sexual fantasies about. I want to explore them with you.”
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4

Go back to the place you first met.

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    Visit the place your relationship started, and while there, talk about how you felt that day to bring these feelings back to life. [10]
    • You don’t necessarily have to visit the very first place you met if it’s inconvenient (no need to head back to your college classroom), but take a trip with your partner to a location where you share happy memories of being together.
    • You might take a trip to the restaurant you shared your first meal at, or you could even rewatch a movie that you saw together early in your relationship.
    • If you want to bring up this idea with your partner, you can say something like, “I’ve been thinking a lot about that day we spent at the beach. Maybe we could go again this weekend?”
5

Do something exciting.

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    Doing something exciting can drive up your adrenaline levels, and bring you closer to your partner. [11] You might try watching a scary movie together, eating at a new place, or even something more adventurous, like going rock climbing. [12]
    • It’s alright to be a little nervous before doing something new. In fact, it can actually be good! The anxiety you might feel before, say, getting on a huge rollercoaster can be channeled into a feeling of security and chemistry with your partner.
    • You can bring this up with your partner by telling them something like, “I’ve always hated haunted houses, but I think I’d like them more if I went with you.” They’ll enjoy the trust you’re placing in them.
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6

Head outdoors.

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    By going outdoors with your partner, you can put yourselves back into the wider world, which can bring you closer together. Remember that every spark needs fresh air to catch fire—literally!
    • Exercise can be an even better way of reducing stress and increasing positive feelings of connection with your partner. Ask them if they want to take a bike ride with you, or go on a quick jog. [13]
7

Take 5 minutes every day to debrief.

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    Set aside 5 minutes every night to talk about your days with each other, and make sure you don’t skip it. Eventually, you might find yourself looking forward to these moments, and enjoying the trust you share with your partner. [14]
    • Studies have shown that open communication is the key to chemistry. Finding ways to make sure you and your partner have time to talk about anything that’s on your mind will bring you closer together. [15]
    • You can bring this up with your partner by saying something like, “I know we’re both busy, but let’s start taking some time every night to talk for a little.”
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8

Look into each other’s eyes.

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    Try not to speak, and just have you and your partner look at each other without breaking eye contact. This is a powerful exercise, one that gives you time to think about what drew you together in the first place. [16]
    • You might end up feeling a lot of emotions doing this—laughter, sadness, or even sexual attraction. Talk to your partner about what came up for you afterward, and have them share their feelings as well. [17]
    • If you’re not sure how to bring up doing this activity with your partner, say something like, “Hey, I’ve been reading about this thing online, and I want to try it with you.” More likely than not, you’ll pique their curiosity.
9

Thank your partner for the things they do.

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    Sometimes, when we’re close to someone, we begin to expect them to do things for us, and forget to acknowledge those things verbally. [18] Saying thank you more often will make your partner feel more appreciated, which is a key part of chemistry. [19]
    • It’s never too late to show some appreciation. Saying something like, “I didn’t mention this to you before, but I really appreciated you making dinner last week, even though you had so much stress,” can be a pleasant surprise for your partner.
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10

Surprise your partner with a gift.

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    Bringing your partner something that they wouldn’t expect, especially when it isn’t their birthday or another special occasion, can add surprise and chemistry to your relationship. [20]
    • The gift doesn’t need to be expensive, but it should be meaningful, and you can only find out what is meaningful to your partner by listening to them.
    • Pay attention when your partner says that they like or wish they could have certain things. For instance, if your partner says something like, “Those flowers are really beautiful,” while you’re outside together, it could be a wonderful gift to find out what they are and bring some for them later.
11

Wait for the chemistry to come.

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    Good relationships aren’t always constantly thrilling, but they’re worth so much more than this. If you’re feeling like your relationship is lacking excitement, know that all relationships go through these phases. So try to remain patient, and enjoy all of the good parts of being with your partner. [21]
    • On the other hand, having no chemistry with your partner for a long period of time might mean it’s time to call things off. If the thought of sex interests you, but the thought of sex with your partner specifically is a turn-off, you might want to consider finding another relationship. [22]
    • Remember that every relationship is different, and you’ll have to judge for yourself how long is long enough without chemistry. Trust yourself! [23]
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/sites/default/files/qualitative_romantic_and_friendship_chemistry.pdf
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/your-neurochemical-self/201802/the-neurochemistry-love
      3. ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29091537/
      4. ↑ Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Relationship Expert. Expert Interview. 29 May 2019.
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/your-neurochemical-self/201802/the-neurochemistry-love
      6. ↑ https://www.oprahdaily.com/life/relationships-love/a29567590/how-to-rekindle-relationship/
      7. ↑ https://www.today.com/health/7-ways-put-sexual-spark-back-your-relationship-t50326
      8. ↑ https://www.self.com/story/scheduling-sex
      9. ↑ https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a19922697/how-to-create-sexual-chemistry/
      1. ↑ https://www.oprahdaily.com/life/relationships-love/a29567590/how-to-rekindle-relationship/
      2. ↑ Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Relationship Expert. Expert Interview. 29 May 2019.
      3. ↑ https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/relationships/a34416208/what-is-romantic-chemistry/
      4. ↑ https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/coronavirus/keep-healthy-relationship-during-pandemic
      5. ↑ https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/relationships/a34416208/what-is-romantic-chemistry/
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/sites/default/files/qualitative_romantic_and_friendship_chemistry.pdf
      7. ↑ https://www.aish.com/d/w/How-to-Create-Chemistry.html
      8. ↑ https://www.aish.com/d/w/How-to-Create-Chemistry.html
      9. ↑ Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Relationship Expert. Expert Interview. 29 May 2019.
      10. ↑ https://www.oprahdaily.com/life/relationships-love/a29567590/how-to-rekindle-relationship/
      11. ↑ https://www.aish.com/d/w/How-to-Create-Chemistry.html
      12. ↑ https://www.npr.org/2021/02/08/965397828/how-to-fall-in-love-according-to-hinges-relationship-scientist?t=1636740001422
      13. ↑ https://www.insider.com/relationship-expert-signs-break-up-2017-9
      14. ↑ https://www.insider.com/relationship-expert-signs-break-up-2017-9

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