How to Decide Between Two Women When You’re Dating

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Expert advice for choosing one girl when you like them both
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When you’re torn between two girls, it’s not always easy to pick which one you should settle down with. But things don’t have to be so tricky! Ultimately, the right choice is the girl that makes you feel most like yourself. We talked to pro dating and relationship coaches to help you figure out your feelings, what to look for in a girl, and make your move once you’ve made up your mind.

Choosing Which Girl to Date

  1. Ask yourself what you want from a relationship.
  2. Choose the girl who wants similar things.
  3. Ask yourself which girl makes you feel best about yourself.
  4. Make a pros and cons list for each girl.
  5. Pretend you’re giving advice to a friend in the same situation.
  6. Ask a close friend for their opinion.
Section 1 of 3:

Figuring Out Which Girl Is Right for You

  1. “It's a good idea to know what you want,” Dating Coach Mark Rosenfeld says. He recommends asking yourself if you’re looking for something serious, or if you’d prefer something a little more casual. [1] Do you want a hookup situation or a long-term partner? Think about where you are in life, and what your goals are beyond these two girls. As difficult as it is, try to separate yourself from your current feelings and view things in the long-term.
    • For instance, if you’re focusing on your career, you may be looking for a stable, long-term relationship . Think about which girl can better offer you the stability that you’re looking for.
    • On the other hand, if you’re not sure what you want, you might go with the girl who wants something more casual.
    • Make a list of things you want in a relationship, then ask yourself which girl ticks more boxes on that list.
  2. Ask yourself about what both girls are looking for in a relationship, and whether or not that matches up with your own goals. There’s a chance that neither girl is looking for an exclusive relationship, or that they aren’t looking for what you’re looking for. The key ingredient in any successful relationship is a shared idea of what the relationships should be. [2]
    • For example, if one girl eventually wants kids but you don’t, then she’s probably not the right one for you.
    • Don't be afraid to think outside the box. There are many ways to make relationships work . The important thing is that everyone's on the same page, and that you aren't hurting anyone's feelings.
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  3. Ask yourself how you feel around them. Does one make you feel happier or more alive than the other? “Do we have fun together?” Rosenfeld asks. [3] Keep tabs on your emotions and thoughts after you spend time with each girl. Look for the changes in your own mood when you spend time with each of these girls and really consider which aspects of yourself you want to feed. [4]
    • For instance, if one girl tends to correct or nitpick you a lot, you may not want to pursue a long-term relationship with her.
  4. Pay attention to your doubts! They’re trying to tell you something. We’re not saying love is always perfect, but sometimes those hang ups are a crucial hint about your true feelings. [5] Try to dig a little deeper into your current emotions and pinpoint a couple of specific emotions. These feelings may provide some valuable insights into your decision.
    • For example, if you’re constantly saying things like, “She’s nice, but…” that “but” is doing a lot of work, and may be telling you she’s not the right choice.
  5. Attraction and connection are different. You might really click with one girl, but with the other, you might just like the way she looks. In this case, the one you click with is probably the better choice. Also, think about your existing relationships. Is one bond stronger than the other? Does one girl really look out for you, but the other is just an acquaintance? Rosenfeld says security and comfort are sometimes more important than excitement. [6]
    • For instance, you may really enjoy the late-night talks you have with one girl, while enjoying the adrenaline rush you have with the other. Those late-night talks might be more important.
    • Trust and communication are also big factors to consider as you make your decision.
    EXPERT TIP

    John Keegan

    Dating Coach
    John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
    John Keegan
    Dating Coach

    Focus on the whole person—not just a first impression. True connection thrives on shared values and the spark that can ignite during conversations, laughter, and shared experiences. It's never a good idea to make a final decision based solely on first impressions!

  6. Think about the best elements of each girl and write them down in 2 separate charts. These qualities can be serious or light-hearted—just jot down the first things that come to mind. Do the same for qualities that you aren’t so attracted to. The point isn’t to directly compare the girls, just to help you figure out how you feel about them. [7]
    • Good qualities might include: fun to hang out with; great conversations; amazing lover; good listener; trustworthy; intelligent; jaw-droppingly beautiful; gets along well with your friends; lives in the same area; loves to travel; makes you smile.
    • Bad qualities might include: quick temper; different values; not a resounding "Yes!"; not your "type"; lives far away; poor physical connection; and stresses you out.
    • Sort the lists into “wants” and “needs.” Place superficial qualities in the “want” category, like “plays video games” or “makes a lot of money.” Move important, long-term qualities into the “needs” category, like “takes time to listen to me” and “gives me space when I need it.”
  7. 7
    Imagine you’re giving advice to a friend in the same situation. Sometimes, removing yourself from the equation can give you some valuable perspective. Imagine a friend is in your shoes with 2 other girls. Which girl would you tell your friend to go with? What would they tell you? [8]
    • What would you say to your friend? Have the conversation in your head or out loud in the mirror. You might learn something new about what you want.
  8. Explain your situation to a loved one, describing your relationship with each girl. Ask your close friends and family members about their thoughts and opinions. While you don’t have to listen to their feedback, they may help you narrow down your decision overall. Also ask, which girl would you want to introduce to your friends and family? [9]
    • For instance, a friend might share a negative experience they had with 1 of the girls that you never even knew about.
  9. There’s a chance that you’re trying to choose between two girls that aren’t good for you, but you feel pressured to choose anyway. If neither girl feels like the right choice, and you feel like you’re choosing between two bad choices, don’t put pressure on yourself to start a relationship right then and there. If you can't bring yourself to give a definitive "Yes!" to either girl, you may want to give yourself some breathing room. [10]
    • There’s nothing wrong with taking some time to yourself! Both girls will prefer to hear the truth than be part of a half-hearted relationship.
  10. Give yourself several days to really think about and consider your own needs and desires. Although there’s no need to rush, you don’t want to take weeks and months to make a decision. While it’s important to prioritize your own happiness, be considerate of the girls’ feelings as well. [11]
    • It may help to give yourself a set amount of time, like 3 days or so.
    • Remember that this choice isn’t the end of your life. Who knows where you’ll be 5 or 10 years from now? The best you can do is what you think is best.
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Section 2 of 3:

Which girl should you choose?

  1. 1
    Choose the girl who makes you feel good about yourself. Rosenfeld says one big quality in any partner is that they treat you well. [12] They make time for you, and they support your goals. They don’t make you feel like you’re inferior, and they don’t insult you. They don’t make you wonder if they really love you, or worry that they’ll leave at any moment.
    • That’s a two-way street! Your ideal girl is one who you want the best for, and who you trust to make the right choices when you’re not around. You’re independent people, but you’re also a team.
  2. 2
    Pick the girl who’s easy to be around. Rosenfeld reminds us that the right person is the one you have fun with. [13] You see her and become excited about the time you’ll spend together instead of worrying about saying or doing the right thing. Together, you let loose. Your worries fade to the background, the world becomes a vibrant place.
  3. 3
    Choose the girl who lets you be honest and vulnerable. “I always say a good relationship should feel more like a sort of a safe ocean,” Rosenfeld tells us, “like a calm ocean than a roller coaster.” The right girl is the one you feel secure around. You don’t have to hide who you are or be someone you’re not. She accepts you for who you are. [14]
    • On the flipside, you also accept her for who she is. You don’t wish she were better or someone else. She’s easy to love.
  4. 4
    Pick the girl who challenges you to be better. Your ideal partner accepts you for you are, but pushes you to be your best self, too. [15] She motivates you to chase your goals, and doesn’t let bad behaviors fly. She also has a stake in this, so you want to be your best for her, and to prove to her that she’s making the right choice, the same way you’re making the right choice.
  5. 5
    Choose the girl who shares your dreams of the future. Rosenfeld says it’s all about who shares your idea of what a good relationship is. [16] You both want kids, or neither of you want kids. You want to live in the same place. Maybe you share spiritual or religious beliefs, or at least are okay with practicing different ones. Whatever the case, the future is a long road, and she’s going in the same direction.
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Section 3 of 3:

What to Do Next

  1. It's important to tell this girl first if you want to make a clean break. Dating Coach JT Tran says to be honest, and to tell the girl you’re trying to do right by both of you by not leading her on. [17] Try to clearly express that you still care about the girl and value her feelings, even if you don’t want to take things to the next level. Remember that her feelings are just as valid as yours, even if you’re dealing with some tough emotions.
    • Don’t tell her you’re choosing someone else. Instead, say something like, “I need to do what’s right for me, and what’s right for you.”
    • For instance, you can say something like: “I really care about you and value your friendship, but I don’t think it’d be a good idea for us to go out together.”
    • Don’t wait to do this. The longer you make them wait, the worse your chances get with both girls.
  2. Dating Coach Colette Gee says not to hesitate—if you hesitate, she might not be convinced you actually like her. [18] If she didn’t know you were making a choice, it’s best not to bring it up. Just ask her out like you would anyone else. Telling her you were deciding between two girls might complicate things. After you share your feelings, give the girl time to react to your decision. Even if she doesn’t share or reciprocate the same feelings, it’s important to get your thoughts out in the open.
    • Consider writing down your thoughts beforehand or practicing your speech with a friend. If you aren't sure what to say, it might help to prepare.
    • For instance, you can say something like: “I really like you, and I’d love to try and make this work. Would you want to go out with me?”
    • If she knows you were dating around, then it’s okay to say something like, “You’re the one I want to be with,” which can make her feel more special, and makes it clear you want to be exclusive, Tran says. [19]
  3. Stick with the decision you make, and don't waste time second-guessing yourself. Don’t be wishy-washy or try to change your mind after you’ve made your final decision. Instead, commit to the girl you’ve chosen and focus on your new relationship. If you’re stuck wondering, “What if I went with the other girl?” you’ll never be happy. [20]
    • Focus on the moment and on making your choice the right one. You can foster and develop your perfect relationship with the girl you chose, even if it’s not everything you want right now.
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Expert Q&A

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      Tips

      • Try not to push yourself to make the “right” decision. While this choice may seem monumental at the time, remember that these aren’t the only girls you’ll know and care about in your lifetime.
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      Tips from our Readers

      The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
      • Here is a way to decide: go next to one of your crushes and feel how your chest feels and see if you feel genuinely happy. If not, or if you feel that more around the other girl, maybe you really like the other one better.
      • Sometimes it's best not to pick either. If you're worried that choosing to be with one of them will cause too much drama and heartache, a clean break from both may help.
      • Decide if they like the same things as you. If one of them has a lot more in common with you than the other, she might be the right choice.
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      References

      1. ↑ Mark Rosenfeld. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 29 July 2021.
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-fitness/201303/10-things-your-relationship-needs-to-thrive
      3. ↑ Mark Rosenfeld. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 29 July 2021.
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/loving-bravely/201709/caught-between-two-loves
      5. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/how-do-you-know-if-youre-in-love#signs-youre-in-love
      6. ↑ Mark Rosenfeld. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 29 July 2021.
      7. ↑ https://www.glamour.com/story/should-you-break-up-is-he-the-one-how-to-make-a-pro-con-love-list
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/loving-bravely/201709/caught-between-two-loves
      9. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/how-do-you-know-if-youre-in-love#signs-youre-in-love
      1. ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/dec/13/i-have-two-great-men-in-my-life-but-i-cant-choose-between-them-mariella-frostrup
      2. ↑ https://hbr.org/2015/11/3-timeless-rules-for-making-tough-decisions
      3. ↑ Mark Rosenfeld. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 29 July 2021.
      4. ↑ Mark Rosenfeld. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 29 July 2021.
      5. ↑ Mark Rosenfeld. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 29 July 2021.
      6. ↑ https://smartcouples.ifas.ufl.edu/dating/are-you-in-a-healthy-relationship/13-things-to-look-for-in-a-relationship/
      7. ↑ Mark Rosenfeld. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 29 July 2021.
      8. ↑ JT Tran. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 5 May 2020.
      9. ↑ Collette Gee. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 1 May 2020.
      10. ↑ JT Tran. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 5 May 2020.
      11. ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/dec/13/i-have-two-great-men-in-my-life-but-i-cant-choose-between-them-mariella-frostrup

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      To choose between two girls you like, start by making a list of each girl’s good qualities, such as being a good listener, being trustworthy, and getting along well with your friends. When you’ve finished, compare the lists and decide which qualities fit best with your idea of a healthy relationship. This can be a good guide to help you analyze the situation, however, you should also take your gut feeling into account, since the list won’t necessarily reflect how you feel about the girls. Once you’ve made your choice, stick with it and forget about the other girl so you can focus your energy on your relationship. For more tips, including how to tell the girls about your decision, read on!

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