How to Choose Between Your Ex Boyfriend and Current Boyfriend

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When you’ve just gotten out of a relationship and into another one, it’s natural to have some mixed feelings about your dating situation. But what do you do if you can’t decide between going back to your ex or sticking with your current boyfriend? We know just how confusing this problem can be, so we’ve compiled a list of questions to ask yourself as a way to decide what your heart actually wants.

This article is based on an interview with our professional dating and relationship coach, Mark Rosenfeld, founder of Make Him Yours. Check out the full interview here.

1

What do you want out of a relationship?

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    Once you figure that out, you can ask yourself which person aligns more with those values. This can help you narrow down your thoughts and assist you in picking the right partner for you. [1]
    • For instance, if you and your ex broke up because you wanted a long-term relationship and he didn’t, you two probably aren’t a great match.
    • But, if your current boyfriend only wants to date for a little while and your ex is more of a long-term relationship guy, you might reconsider.
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2

What are your must-haves in a partner?

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    Sit down and write a list of good qualities in a romantic partner. This list is specific to you, so don’t be afraid to dive deep and really figure out what you want. You could talk about their personality, their hobbies, their future goals, or even where they live. Then, take a step back and think about who lines up with those qualities the best. Your list might look something like: [2]
    • Very kind to me and to others.
    • Passionate about their career.
    • Interested in traveling.
    • Good sense of humor.
    • Interesting conversationalist.
3

Who do you have the most chemistry with?

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    Chemistry is about passion and the spark in your relationship. [3] It can be a good sexual relationship in the bedroom, but it’s also about the chemical attraction that brings you two together. When you have good chemistry, it might feel like you want to be around them all the time, and you might even get butterflies when they walk into the room.
    • Your relationship could look perfect from the outside, but if it feels like it’s missing something, it might be because you lack chemistry.
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4

Who do you see yourself with long-term?

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    Think about yourself 5 to 10 years from now. When you daydream about your life, who are you spending it with? [4] It might be your current partner, it might be your ex-partner, or it might be neither. This can tell you a lot about the longevity of your relationship and who you might want to choose as a long-term boyfriend.
    • It’s a little unfair to keep dating your current partner if you don’t see a future with them. If you know your relationship right now isn’t going to work out, you might want to break it off sooner rather than later.
    • If you can’t see yourself with either of them, you might want to take a little time for yourself and be single for a while. It’s totally fine to not have a long-term partner, especially if you’re feeling confused.
5

Do you feel safe and secure in your relationship?

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    Think about both your ex-boyfriend and your current boyfriend, and decide which of them would support and be there for you the most. Whoever you choose is probably the right partner for you, because you know they’re going to be around long-term. [5]
    • This might be a good time to examine why you and your ex broke up, too. If you could see your ex breaking up with you again in the future, you might not want to go back to him.
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6

Who do you have more fun with?

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    What do you and your boyfriend like to do together? How about you and your ex? Enjoying each other’s company is very important in a relationship, and having fun together is a good indicator of compatibility. Think about which person you have more things in common with, and who you like spending time with the most. [6]
    • Even if you don’t have a ton of things in common, you can still find ways to have fun with your partner.
7

Who treats you the best?

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    There may be times when you two snap at each other, and all relationships have fights. But when you argue with your ex-boyfriend or your current one, do either of them yell at you or call you names? When they’re stressed out, do they lash out at you? If either of the guys can’t respect you during the tough times, then they’re probably not the one for you. [7]
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8

In which relationship have you felt the most like yourself?

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    This might mean helping you find a good job, encouraging you to pursue your hobbies, or even getting you to go back to school. You can think about your current relationship and your past one to decide when you feel the best and who makes you feel the most like you. [8]
    • Sometimes the opposite is true: when we’re in relationships, it’s easy to lose ourselves and devote all of our time to our partners. If either person makes you feel that way, they’re probably not the one for you.
9

Who would you miss the most if they weren’t around?

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    Then, decide who you’d be more upset by if you couldn’t talk to them anymore. If you find yourself sad at the prospect of not talking to one, but ambivalent about the other, you’re that much closer to making your choice. [9]
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10

What’s keeping you from making this choice?

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    It can also help you think about why you aren’t completely happy in your new relationship. If you feel like you need to keep your options open, you probably aren’t letting yourself fully commit to love. And, if you think your ex was the one who got away, you might be romanticizing your past relationship. [10]
    • This question is not about blame or shaming yourself into making a decision. It’s about examining your own motives to figure out what you, deep down, want to do.
11

If your best friend was in the same position, what would you say?

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    Then, give yourself advice like you would with a friend. Maybe you’d tell your friend that their ex is in the past and they need to let go; or, maybe you’d tell your friend that their new relationship isn’t working and they need to listen to their heart. [11]
    • You might also tell your friend that they aren’t ready for a relationship right now and they need to be single for a while. Remember that this is always a valid option, and taking some time for yourself is a great idea.
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      Tips

      • Try to go with your heart, not your mind, on this decision. Just because a relationship is “logical” on paper doesn’t mean it’s the right relationship for you.
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      • If you’re still having trouble, confide in a friend or a trusted family member about your feelings. They can give you advice on your specific situation.
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      References

      1. ↑ Mark Rosenfeld. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 29 July 2021.
      2. ↑ https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=111&v=nFv9eRKoK3Y&feature=youtu.be
      3. ↑ Mark Rosenfeld. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 29 July 2021.
      4. ↑ Mark Rosenfeld. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 29 July 2021.
      5. ↑ Mark Rosenfeld. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 29 July 2021.
      6. ↑ Mark Rosenfeld. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 29 July 2021.
      7. ↑ Mark Rosenfeld. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 29 July 2021.
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/loving-bravely/201709/caught-between-two-loves
      9. ↑ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFv9eRKoK3Y&t=52s
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/loving-bravely/201709/caught-between-two-loves
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/loving-bravely/201709/caught-between-two-loves

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