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Telling your parents that you're gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, or genderqueer is a major life event. Writing a letter or email might be the best option if you're worried about their reaction or want to avoid getting tongue-tied. Be confident, write in simple terms who you are, tell them a bit about your process of self-discovery, and ask for their acceptance and support. Try to have patience, and give them time to process the news. Put your safety first, and if you're concerned about your well being, it might be best to send your letter when you're on your own and financially independent.
Steps
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Decide whether to come out to one or both parents. First, figure out whether you should address your letter to both of your parents or start by coming out to one. You might feel more comfortable writing your letter to one parent, who can then help you come out to the other.
- If you address one letter to both of your parents, it might be a good idea to make a copy of your letter, print two copies, or send each of them an email. That way, they'll each have their own copy to read at their own pace and in their own time.
- Before you come out to your parents, find a trusted friend, and come out to them first. Ask this person for support throughout the process so that you have someone you can rely on if you need it.
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Use simple, approachable language. Be clear and direct, but use terms that you're most comfortable with and that will be easiest for your parents to digest. Sometimes, telling your parents that you're attracted to men or women is easier than saying, “I'm gay.”
- Further, sometimes the most specific terms are hard for parents to understand. For example, they might be able to understand that you're transgender, but you might confuse them if you start by describing your specific trans identity using terms they've never heard.
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Explain that you know who you are. Be confident, and let your parents know that discovering who you are has been a process. Tell them that you want to be honest with them, but you aren't asking their permission to be yourself. [1] X Research source
- For example, you could write, “I hope you understand that this isn't just a phase, and that it's taken some time for me to discover and accept myself.”
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Tell them what you need from them. After writing about who you are and how you've come to accept yourself, you should include specific, actionable steps that your parents can take. Let them know exactly what you want and need from them.
- For example, let them know that you want to have an honest relationship with them. Write that you hope you can continue to rely on them for support and guidance.
- If you're writing to one parent, tell them that you'd like them to help you come out to your other parent.
- You could also ask them to keep this to themselves and mention that you'd like to come out to other family members on your own time.
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Propose ways of continuing the conversation. If you'd prefer to continue the conversation in writing, ask them to reply with letters of their own. If you're writing to a parent who lives far away, ask them to write back to you or to set aside some time to talk on the phone.
- If you don't have a preference, you could write, “I'm not sure what steps we should take next. You can write me a letter if it would help you make sense of all this, or we could talk face to face.”
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Reread and revise your letter. After composing your letter, set it aside in a secure place and take some time away from it. Get a good night's sleep, then read it back to yourself. Look for spots where you could be clearer, more confident, or more respectful, and revise it accordingly.
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Choose a stress-free time to give them your letter. Coming out is hard enough, so avoid giving your parents your letter during an argument or during a period of crisis. Try not to use coming out as a weapon or way to shock them, and avoid using alcohol or drugs before giving them the letter or discussing it with them. [2] X Research source
- For example, if a relative is sick or your sibling just got in major trouble, you might want to wait until things settle down before giving them your letter.
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Provide them with educational resources. If you're sending them an email, you could attach links to online resources that can inform them and help them process the news. [3] X Expert Source Marissa Floro, PhD
Counseling Psychologist Expert Interview. 18 February 2021. You could also print out information and include it with your printed or handwritten letter. [4] X Research source- Parents are often afraid that their LGBTQ children will face prejudice, violence, contract diseases, or never live a happy life. Providing them with information can ease their fears and help them understand that you'll be happier if you can be open and honest about yourself.
- You can find plenty of excellent websites online. Check out University of Southern California's resources for parents and family. PFLAG (formerly known as Parents, Family, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) also offers lots of helpful information. [5] X Research source
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Give them time and space to process your letter. Give them your letter in person, mail it, or send your email, then let them digest the news on their own terms. Be patient, and understand that they might need a little while to process and, hopefully, accept what you've written.
- When you give them the letter, tell them, “I hope you can read this with an open mind, and I hope we can handle what I've written about patiently and honestly. Please take all the time you need to process it.”
- Reader Poll: We asked 647 wikiHow readers to tell us how they would respond if someone reacted negatively to them coming out, and only 8% agreed they would ask someone close to them to help change their mind. [Take Poll] So, while that may not be a great strategy according to our readers, try to give them time to digest the news on their own terms.
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Try to follow up with a conversation. You and your parents might find that exchanging a few letters is the best way to handle the situation. Eventually, try to have a face to face conversation with them. Once you've broken the ice in writing, you might find it easier to talk to them in person. [6] X Research source
- If your parent lives far away, talk to them on the phone. The next time you see them, have a face to face conversation.
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Try to anticipate their reaction. Pay attention to how your parents respond to LGBTQ issues in the news. Take note if they make homophobic remarks or talk negatively about issues like marriage equality and adoption. Getting a feel for their basic outlook can help you anticipate how they'd react if and when you come out to them. [7] X Expert Source Marissa Floro, PhD
Counseling Psychologist Expert Interview. 18 February 2021.- When and if you do tell them, understand that your parents might feel shocked, sad, angry, guilty, or afraid. It can take some people more time to process news than others. Try to respect their emotional response, and have faith that their emotions can change over time.
- If your parents react angrily or if they don't have the reaction you wanted, try not to lose hope. Remember that they cannot define who you are, and you have the right to live your life as you want.
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Hold off if you think they'd cause physical harm. In a perfect world, no one would have to live in the closet. However, your safety should be your number one concern. If one or both of your parents have ever threatened to harm you or any member of the LGBTQ community, consider holding off until you know you can come out safely.
- For instance, if you really need to be honest with them but are concerned about your safety, you could wait until you live on your own or are otherwise out of harm's way before sending them your letter.
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Wait until you're financially independent if necessary. In addition to physical safety, take your financial well being into account when deciding how, when, and if you should come out. If you live at home or depend on your parents financially, it might be in your best interest to come out when you're financially independent. [8] X Research source [9] X Expert Source Marissa Floro, PhD
Counseling Psychologist Expert Interview. 18 February 2021.- Ask yourself, “Do my parents make homophobic comments or otherwise indicate that they wouldn't accept me for who I am? Would they continue to let me live at home, or pay for my college? What are my options if they kicked me out of the house?”
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Locate useful organizations and resources for support. There are others who have gone through a similar process of coming out. If you are feeling frustrated, scared, alone, or confused, you can contact one of these organizations for advice, assistance, and support. Some useful national groups and organizations include:
- PFLAG
- Queer People of Color & Allies (QPOCA)
- Human Rights Campaign
- The Trevor Project
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Lean on your support system. Before coming out to your parents, identify family, friends, and anyone else you can trust, like counselors or teachers. If you think you might need a place to stay, ask someone to stay with them for a little while. At the very least, having someone else to listen and lend emotional support will help you get through a difficult coming out process. [10] X Research source [11] X Expert Source Marissa Floro, PhD
Counseling Psychologist Expert Interview. 18 February 2021.
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Tips
- Make a backup plan if you're concerned about a strong negative response. Have a place to go in case your parents want to kick you out. Pack a bag with a few days of clothes and any toiletries, food, water, and money you may need. Remember, your safety is your number one priority.Thanks
- Try not to get mad if they don't immediately accept you for who you are. Be patient and, hopefully, they'll learn to accept you in time.Thanks
- If they don't agree with your sexual orientation, try not to worry. They can't change who you are. They are your parents and love you. Hopefully someday soon they will learn to accept you for who you are.Thanks
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References
- ↑ http://ejce.berkeley.edu/geneq/resources/lgbtq-resources/coming-out
- ↑ http://ejce.berkeley.edu/geneq/resources/lgbtq-resources/coming-out
- ↑ Marissa Floro, PhD. Counseling Psychologist. Expert Interview. 18 February 2021.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/gay-and-lesbian-well-being/201103/should-you-come-out-your-parents
- ↑ https://www.pflag.org/
- ↑ http://qaspace.apiequalityla.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/The-Coming-Out-Letter-HKameya.pdf
- ↑ Marissa Floro, PhD. Counseling Psychologist. Expert Interview. 18 February 2021.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/gay-and-lesbian-well-being/201103/should-you-come-out-your-parents
- ↑ Marissa Floro, PhD. Counseling Psychologist. Expert Interview. 18 February 2021.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/gay-and-lesbian-well-being/201103/should-you-come-out-your-parents
- ↑ Marissa Floro, PhD. Counseling Psychologist. Expert Interview. 18 February 2021.
About This Article
Article Summary
X
Writing an email or letter can be a great way to come out to your parents if you’re worried about how they’ll react. Try to be clear about your sexuality so they won’t have any confusion about it. You can just tell them that you’re gay or write that you’re attracted to men or women. Tell them that you’ve thought about it for a long time and you’re confident it’s not a phase. It’s a good idea to explain what you need from your parents. For example, you could say that it might come as a surprise, but it would mean the world to you if they supported you. Give the letter to them when they’re in a good mood and they have a few hours to process it. For instance, you could hand it to them before you go out for the day. For more advice from our co-author, including how to deal with parents who don’t support your sexuality, read on.
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