Confused About a Guy? How to Cope & Tell if He’s Confused Too

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Decode your relationship with these practical tips
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Relationships with guys can be super confusing, no matter what stage you’re in. Whether you’re confused about where the two of you stand, you don’t know how you feel about him, or you’re looking for signs that he doesn’t know how he feels about you, you’ve come to the right place. In this article, we’ll cover everything so you can feel more secure about your relationship and decide what to do next.

Things You Should Know

  • If you’re confused about where the two of you stand, try journaling your thoughts and feelings, setting boundaries, and asking your friends for their opinions.
  • Make it clear to him what you expect from your relationship and give him space to figure out what he wants from your relationship.
  • Guys might be confused about their feelings for you if he doesn’t define your relationship, he acts hot and cold, or he behaves differently with you in public.
Section 1 of 3:

What to Do When You’re Confused About a Guy

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  1. If you’re not sure about where your relationship with him stands, or if you don’t know if you even like him, writing it out can help you sort out your feelings. Journal your feelings, give yourself time to process, and be okay with not having the answer right away. [1] Journaling can be an incredibly powerful tool to help you manage your anxiety, reduce stress, and improve your mood by helping you prioritize your fears, problems, and concerns. [2] If you find it difficult to get your thoughts on paper, try these prompts:
    • What emotions come up when I think about this guy?
    • What do I like about him and what do I not like?
    • Why am I confused about my feelings for him?
  2. It might be that you don’t know how you feel about this guy because you don’t know him well enough to decide one way or the other. Spending more time around him might help you understand who he is and where he’s coming from. If you’re a couple, spending quality time together can give you clarity about his thoughts, feelings, and decisions. Set aside time so the two of you can go out to dinner together, take a walk, or just hang out . [3]
    • Ask about his childhood, his favorite activities, and the things he likes (books, music, shows, movies, etc.) to start out with.
    • After you’ve skimmed the surface, ask questions that are a little more personal so you can tell if you want to pursue a deeper connection. What is he really passionate about? What does he value in a relationship? If money wasn’t a concern, where would he go and what would he do? [4]
    • Finding out what his political beliefs are can also help you decide if you're a good match. If your values and morals don’t line up, he might not be a great match.
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  3. You should feel validated, heard, acknowledged, safe, equal, and free around him. Do your mental health issues get worse around him? Does he care about your feelings? Does he give you the space you need? If your relationship doesn’t have healthy boundaries, communication, trust, and consent, then it might be a sign that he’s not the right guy for you. [5]
    • Setting boundaries can let your partner know your needs and let you know when something doesn’t feel right. Think about what you’re okay with and not okay with when it comes to physical, emotional, and sexual intimacy.
  4. Do you feel comfortable with him? Do you feel like you can tell him anything? If the answer to both those questions is no, why? Whether the two of you have been dating for years or just started dating, if there’s something about him that just doesn’t make you feel like you can let your guard down, it may be a sign that he’s not the one. [6]
    • If the two of you aren’t at the talking-every-night stage yet, pay attention to how often he tries to start a conversation—if he talks to you every chance he gets, it could mean that he likes you back.
  5. Friends can be great resources when figuring out if a guy is a keeper. Because your friends are on the outside of your relationship and they care about your well-being, they may notice things that go right over your head. If you have a friend you feel comfortable with, tell them about your situation and see what they have to say. [7]
    • If you feel comfortable, and if you’re at a far enough stage in the relationship, you can also ask your friends to hang out with the two of you and do a fun activity together. That way, the guy you’re seeing can meet your friends (if he hasn’t already) and your friends can suss him out.
  6. A great way to figure out how you feel about him is to notice how he behaves toward other people. Is he kind and respectful to waitstaff in restaurants? Is he polite to the people he meets? When he treats others badly, it may indicate a lack of integrity and empathy, which could later affect his relationship with you. [8]
    • Also pay attention to how he talks about other people. If he’s constantly negative or putting other people down, it could be a red flag.
  7. In a loving relationship, both partners lift each other up when they’re feeling down. When you accomplish something, does he cheer you on? If he motivates you to achieve what you want and doesn’t judge, that might be a green flag. [9]
    • If the two of you aren’t in a relationship or if you just started dating, it could be hard to tell right away if he’s supportive or not. Observing how he treats his friends can give you some insight into how he’d treat you. Pay attention to how he talks to his friends when they succeed.
  8. Whether you’re in a committed relationship or dating, it’s important to put yourself first and enjoy your life. If you’re the one who’s unsure about your relationship, take this time to explore other options and figure out what you do want. If you’re waiting for him to make a decision about your relationship, set a time frame for how long you’ll wait for an answer. In the meantime, go out, hang out with friends , have fun, and create new memories. Everything will work out in the end. [10]
    • If you’re attracted to a friend, it can be emotionally painful to keep up that relationship. Consider telling him how you feel, or if you want to keep the friendship the way it is, figure out a way to move on.
    • If the guy you’re talking to is committed to someone else, it might also be best to move on.
  9. If you feel stuck and unsure about your relationship, you may need to ask yourself if you feel ready to enter a serious relationship right now. If not, no biggie! You don’t have to be ready if you don’t want to be. But if you’re dating, it might be better to let him know that sooner rather than later. [11]
    • If you want to find out whether you’re ready for a relationship, try our quiz!
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Section 2 of 3:

What to Do When a Guy Is Confused About You

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  1. Whether you’re just friends or already in a committed partnership, good communication is an integral part of any relationship. One of the best ways to understand how he feels is by telling him how you feel — you never know if what’s bothering you is bothering him too. If you’re already in a relationship, reassure him of your feelings for him. If you’ve just started dating, consider telling him how much he means to you. [12]
    • No matter how the conversation goes, you’re more likely to know what you want to do next after you’ve cleared the air.
  2. It may be that you’re confused about what stage of the relationship the two of you are in, or whether he wants to commit to you or not. Either way, having a conversation about what he wants out of his relationship with you can help you figure out what step you’d like to take next. Whatever he says, accept his feelings and let him know that you care about what he wants. [13]
    • If the two of you know what you both want out of the relationship and he’s still acting hot and cold, use this conversation as a chance to ask for more consistency. Tell him what you’ve noticed and what bothers you about the way he’s been acting, and work together to figure out a solution.
  3. If the two of you are in a non-committed relationship, there might be a miscommunication about what the two of you are looking for. If one of you wants to keep the relationship casual while the other wants to settle down and commit, you might be confused about where your relationship stands. Communicating what you’d like from your partner to them might help clear the air for both of you. [14]
    • If you want to keep the relationship casual and he wants to get more serious, tell him what exactly you’d like from him and draw boundaries. Do you want to get together every week? Do the two of you post pictures together? Do you hang out during hook-up sessions?
    • If you’re the one who wants to settle down, ask him if he’d like to take the relationship to the next level. Whichever direction he decides to go, you’ll have your answer.
  4. If the guy you’re seeing is confused about what he wants, one of the best ways to help is by giving him space and staying busy in the meantime. Attempt to “positively distract” yourself from having confusing thoughts. [15] Focus on taking care of yourself, staying positive , and engaging in activities you enjoy, and when he’s ready, he’ll let you know. [16]
    • If he’s acting hot and cold, backing off a little could make him realize what he’s missing and he might reach out to you.
    • If the two of you aren’t in a relationship yet, giving him space could also help you figure out if he likes you back. If he reaches out to you and makes more of an effort when you pull away, it might be a sign that he feels the same way about you.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 725 wikiHow readers about what led them to end a tricky romantic relationship, and 62% agreed that when it started to make them feel anxious or confused, that was the final straw. [Take Poll]
    • So if this is in line with how you're feeling, you're not alone.
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Section 3 of 3:

Signs a Guy Is Confused About His Feelings for You

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  1. Maybe you haven’t had the “What are we?” conversation, or you have and he just doesn’t seem like he knows one way or the other. He might have had a bad breakup, or he’s just interested in something super casual. Whatever the situation, if a guy doesn’t seem ready to commit or doesn’t explicitly define his relationship with you, it could be a sign that he’s confused about his feelings for you. [17]
    • If you’re the only one reaching out and making plans, it could be a sign that you’re more interested in pursuing the relationship than he is.
  2. You might spend time in person together but never hear from him otherwise. He might be warm and welcoming to you one day, and then he’s cold and uninvolved the next. Maybe he sends you a random text out of nowhere after ghosting you for days. Whatever the case may be, he just isn’t reliable, which can make you wonder what he really wants, and can be a huge sign that he doesn’t know how he feels about you. [18]
  3. When it comes to a romantic partnership, you can’t carry both of you all the time. If the two of you are dating and he doesn’t put in any effort, arrange dates, do nice things for you, or communicate consistently, trust your gut and don’t ignore the red flags. If the two of you are just starting out and he doesn’t put in any work, it may be because he’s unsure about his feelings for you. [19]
  4. Successful relationships require emotional connection, and being open is how you work toward that. If you’re dating or in a relationship and he’s not open with you, and especially if he expects you to be, it could mean that he’s confused about his feelings for you. [20]
    • If he’s vulnerable one day and cold the next, this could also mean that he’s confused about where the two of you stand in your relationship.
  5. Maybe you’re constantly waiting for him to text back, or he doesn’t follow up until days after your date together—we’ve all been there. However, if this is an ongoing issue, and he only texts you when it seems convenient for him, then it could mean that he’s not completely invested in the relationship. [21]
    • If he otherwise seems like he’s into you, it could be that he avoids texting back because he’s shy or afraid of rejection.
  6. It could be that you haven’t reached this part of the relationship yet, which is totally fine—go at your own pace. However, if you are in a committed relationship with him and you feel like you’re being hidden from the people he loves, it might be a red flag. [22] If he’s serious about your relationship, he should naturally want others to know that you two are together.
    • It might also be that he shows no interest in meeting your friends or family. Have a conversation with your partner so you can figure out why he feels this way—he might not be ready to move to that point in your relationship yet.
  7. If you’re interested in someone who flirts with someone else in front of you, you might be unclear about where the two of you stand. [23] If you’re just starting to date or if you have a crush on him, this might be a sign that he’s confused about his feelings for you.
    • Pay attention to how he acts around you versus the people he flirts with. Does it seem like he’s more vulnerable with you? Could he be flirting as a joke? Or is he always dating or hooking up with these other people? Noticing how he acts around others could help you figure out if he likes you back.
  8. It might be that he wants you to notice him but doesn’t seem to know what to do after you do. In this case, he might just be confused about his feelings for you. However, it could also be that he’s doing a form of breadcrumbing, or leading you on but not communicating enough to form an actual relationship. [24] If you feel like you’re being breadcrumbed, it’s totally not your fault. But, it may be a sign that it’s time to move on and date someone who does want to settle down.
  9. Guys who secretly like you might downplay their connections to other people and emphasize that he’s not pursuing anyone romantically. He wants to make sure that you know he’s available. If he doesn’t make a move, even when he knows that you know he’s available, it might be because he’s shy or because he hasn’t quite worked out his feelings for you yet.
  10. While some guys downplay their relationships and make it clear that they’re available, others do the complete opposite. He might not correct anyone who says he’s dating other people, or he might flirt with or talk about people he finds attractive. He may act this way because he wants to make you jealous and feels frustrated or confused about his feelings for you.
    • To make sure that his intention is to make you jealous, watch how he acts around the people he finds attractive. If he ignores their advances or refuses to go on dates while you're around, then he might be interested in you.
  11. It can be confusing when his actions don’t match his words. It might be that he won’t show affection in public but has no problem doing it when you’re alone. He might tell you he misses you and that he enjoys getting to know you, but in public, he acts like he doesn’t want to be seen with you. [25]
    • This behavior can definitely hurt. If he acts this way, try to have a conversation about his behavior and tell him how it makes you feel. If he keeps pretending you don’t exist, even after the two of you have a talk, it may be time to move on to greener pastures.
    • He might deny it when others talk about the chemistry you two have, which can also be a sign that he’s confused about his feelings for you.
  12. If you two have been in a relationship for a while, it might be that he showers you with compliments but never says the magical words “I love you.” This might be because he’s shy or waiting for you to make the first move, or it might be because he’s confused about how he feels.
    • If he gives you little gifts, says sweet things, and constantly supports you, but doesn’t say whether he’s interested in you, it could be a sign that he does have feelings for you.
  13. Maybe he finds ways to spend time together but doesn’t ask you out on a date, or maybe he says he loved spending time with you after your date but takes a week to contact you. It can be hard to see where the two of you stand if he seems to be interested in you, but doesn’t act on his feelings. [26]
    • He might also avoid making plans if he’s shy, if he’s not ready, or if he’s afraid to commit to a relationship. If he seems to be interested in you and the two of you are close, try asking him if he wants to take the relationship slower.
  14. Observing someone’s body language can clue you into what they’re really thinking. Eye contact can lead to moments of chemistry, so if he stares at you but looks away when your eyes meet, it could mean that he doesn’t want to have feelings for you, or that he doesn’t want you to know that these feelings exist.
    • He might also get close to you and pull away suddenly. Skin contact can also reveal whether you’re attracted to someone, so if he pulls away it might mean that he’s afraid of revealing his true feelings.
    • If you sit or stand a certain way, or move your hands, you may notice that he does the same thing — mirroring body language can mean that he’s interested in you.
    • A guy who’s interested in you will also face you when you two are talking. He might turn his entire body toward you or just his feet, and he may position himself closer to you.
  15. He might pop up on your Instagram story as soon as you post them or DM you when you post pictures on Instagram. But then, he doesn't respond back when you DM him. This could definitely be a sign that he’s confused about his relationship with you. [27]
    • If you have pictures on your social media of you and another person, he may be playing it cool because he thinks you are already in a relationship. If you think this is the case, try making it clear on your socials that you and the other person aren’t dating, or casually mention that you’re single in conversation.
  16. Guys who have a crush on you will pay close attention to you and remember details about you and the things you say. If he acts cool and unattached but still remembers what your favorite snack is or what you did over the weekend, it could mean that he is interested in you, but he doesn’t know what that means to him yet.
  17. Sometimes, it can be unclear if a guy is actually interested in you and your life, or if he’s just being friendly. If a guy is confused about his feelings for you, he might ask a lot of personal questions, but won’t make a move or ask you out. The good news is that if he takes the initiative to learn more about you, he may have feelings for you.
  18. If he’s confused about his feelings for you, he might not tell you he likes you but will take extra steps to protect your well-being. He might walk you to your door, text or call to make sure you got home safe, or defend you against people who are mean to you. [28]
    • If he seems extra possessive of you and restricts what you do or who you see, this could be a major red flag. Be cautious if he seems overly protective. If the two of you are in a relationship, have a conversation with him to make sure he’s not restricting your freedom.
  19. To some people, this may seem like a red flag, but if the two of you are in a relationship, teasing can be a sign that he feels completely comfortable around you. If the two of you aren’t dating yet and he teases you and compliments you in the same conversation, it may be because he’s not confident enough to tell you how he feels. [29]
    • If you two are in the early stages of your relationship, he may be trying to draw the two of you closer by showing that he’s paid enough attention to pick up on what you’re secure and insecure about. In other words, he knows what to tease about, and what to stay away from.
  20. If you two are dating and your conversations just suddenly seem to stop, it could be a sign that he’s unsure about where your relationship stands. [30] Or, if you two are in the talking phase and he suddenly ghosts you, it could mean he’s afraid of being vulnerable with you. If this happens to you, don't take it personally—he may just need time to sort out his feelings.
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      Expert Interview

      Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about relationship stages, check out our in-depth interview with Kim Chronister, PsyD .

      References

      1. ↑ Kim Chronister, PsyD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      2. ↑ https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?ContentID=4552&ContentTypeID=1
      3. ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a17884344/signs-youre-in-the-right-relationship/
      4. ↑ https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a34026473/questions-to-ask-your-crush/
      5. ↑ https://www.ny.gov/teen-dating-violence-awareness-and-prevention/what-does-healthy-relationship-look
      6. ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a17884344/signs-youre-in-the-right-relationship/
      7. ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a17884344/signs-youre-in-the-right-relationship/
      8. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/why-do-some-people-lack-empathy
      9. ↑ https://www.romper.com/p/9-signs-youre-in-a-supportive-relationship-14332
      1. ↑ https://www.doctorforlove.com/when-a-man-is-confused-about-what-he-wants/
      2. ↑ https://exploringyourmind.com/am-i-emotionally-ready-for-a-new-relationship/
      3. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-express-emotions-in-relationships
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-the-name-love/202206/how-one-night-stands-turn-something-more
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      7. ↑ https://www.idiva.com/relationships-love/relationships/what-to-do-when-your-man-is-confused-about-the-relationship/17075274
      8. ↑ https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a29473354/mixed-signals-meaning/
      9. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/feeling-trapped-or-abandoned-when-relationships-run-hot-or-cold#1
      10. ↑ https://www.eviemagazine.com/post/confused-about-your-relationship-status-look-for-these-3-signs-of-commitment
      11. ↑ https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a29473354/mixed-signals-meaning/
      12. ↑ https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a29473354/mixed-signals-meaning/
      13. ↑ https://www.eviemagazine.com/post/confused-about-your-relationship-status-look-for-these-3-signs-of-commitment
      14. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/flirting-is-cheating
      15. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/breadcrumbing
      16. ↑ https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a29473354/mixed-signals-meaning/
      17. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/love-matters/2018/07/16-signs-of-an-avoidant-or-unavailable-partner#5
      18. ↑ https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a29473354/mixed-signals-meaning/
      19. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-digitally/202003/what-determines-jealous-protective-behaviour-in-men
      20. ↑ https://www.today.com/health/he-flirting-me-how-be-certain-he-s-really-you-t74856
      21. ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/2019/01/22/smarter-living/why-people-ghost-and-how-to-get-over-it.html

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