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From time to time, many children get mad at their parents for various reasons. In the heat of the moment, it can be hard to think straight and easier to think vengefully about your parents. However, it is better to seek a calmer way of coping with the issue and to remember that your parents are just trying to help you. Here are some suggestions to help you find constructive ways to cool down and become calm again after an argument or stalemate.
Steps
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Drink water. This can help to calm you. Follow this with deep breathing to calm any racing feelings and fast breathing. Sit somewhere quiet and peaceful, to recover your thoughts. [1] X Research source
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Divert your mind. Try to think about things that you care about or that are coming up soon. Are there any exciting things going on? Planning a cool trip soon? By trying to focus on the things that are good in your life, it can help to place the argument into perspective.Advertisement
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Remind yourself that everyone has misunderstandings and differences. Conflict is a normal part of being human and it is important to learn how to handle conflict maturely and considerately as you grow up. Consider learning how to respond to criticism, and how to use persuasion to turn a no into a yes, and how to gain compromises. These are far more constructive ways to resolve your issues than fighting.
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Think in your parents' shoes. Why do you think that they did what they did? For example, there's probably a reason you can't go to that late-night movie. If you try to perceive their reasons for stopping you from doing something or for insisting that you do something you don't want to, it may help you to work through the longer-term consequences and to see that their experience is actually being used to help, not hinder you.
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Let your parents cool down, as well. You'll just get yourself into more trouble if you try to explain your opinion when they're still mad. When everyone is in a heightened state of tension and anger, everyone should get the space to calm down and then come back and resolve the matter later. [2] X Research source
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Speak to the issue maturely and responsibly. Use the "I feel" statement. For example: "I feel... when... because...". Say this without any essence of anger. It allows you to express your concerns without stating blame or refusal to accept your need to be responsible in the resolution. [3] X Research source
- Can you think of a suitable compromise that they might be willing to agree to? For example, go to the early evening movie rather than the late evening one? Go out with a group instead of just a boyfriend? And so forth...
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Solve your problem without crying. Though crying sometimes helps, crying in front of your parents will lead them in the wrong direction. After a time, crying is simply unhelpful because it fails to resolve things and it isn't meant to be a manipulative tool; it's for getting over the worst of how you feel, then letting you start over, afresh. [4] X Research source
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Give it rest for a while. If you discover that your parents still don't understand you, leave the topic. It is probably just getting worse by going on about it while the anger and tension is still fresh. Perhaps give it a month or two before raising it again, and do so in a very different way that shows you've learned your lesson and have come up with alternative solutions likely to meet with their agreement instead.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow can I redirect my anger?Samantha Fox is a Marriage & Family Therapist in private practice in New York, New York. With over a decade of experience, Samantha specializes in relationship, sexuality, identity, and family conflicts. She also advises on life transitions for individuals, couples, and families. She holds both a Master’s degree and a Marriage and Family Therapy License. Samantha is trained in Internal Family Systems (IFS), Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP), Emotion Focused Couples Therapy (EFT), and Narrative Therapy.Redirecting anger can be helpful. Sometimes, exercising can help. Some ways to discharge the intensity can be journaling, screaming into a pillow, or punching a pillow, and once the rage is out, you may want to talk to a friend, partner, or therapist about what is making you so angry.
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Tips
- Don't scream or cry when using the "I feel" statement. Doing so will just undermine the value of expressing yourself clearly.Thanks
- Don't make that "mistake" again. It'll just stir up more anger and distance between you and your parents.Thanks
- Be polite, use your good manners at all times when talking to your parents.Thanks
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Warnings
- If you know your parents are stubborn, be even more stubborn.Thanks
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Expert Interview
Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about interpersonal relationships, check out our in-depth interview with Tracy Carver, PhD .
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