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When you’re dealing with problems in your marriage, it can sometimes feel like you’re all alone. Fortunately, there are many ways you can communicate with your spouse and come up with solutions to solve your problems together. We’ve compiled a list of ways you can cope with your marriage problems to talk with your partner and work toward fixing your relationship, one step at a time.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed marriage and family therapist, Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Check out the full interview here.

1

Communicate about issues in your relationship.

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  1. You and your partner need to talk about any struggles you’re going through. [1] When you let things go or assume they’ll get better on their own, they tend to fester, which can lead to resentment over time. When you notice issues cropping up, sit your spouse down and talk with them about it. [2]
    • You can bring up issues in the relationship by saying something like, “Hey honey, could we sit down and talk later this evening? I have a few things I’d like to chat with you about, just to make sure we’re on the same page.”
    • To avoid putting your spouse on the defensive, use “I” statements. [3] For instance, instead of saying, “You always come home late,” you might say, “When you stay out late without telling me where you’re going, I feel worried.”
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3

Try to understand your partner’s perspective.

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4

Come up with solutions together.

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  1. Even if it’s an issue that only one of you is having, you should try to reach a win-win solution: something that makes you both feel like you’re improving your relationship and growing closer together. [6] This may take a little while, and you might have to talk multiple times with your spouse, but in the end, it will be worth it. [7]
    • For instance, if the issue is that you feel you do more chores around the house than your spouse does, you might create a chore list that you both work on throughout the week. That way, you can both see how many chores the two of you are doing, and you both feel like you’re equally contributing to the household.
5

Accept the things you can’t change about your partner.

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  1. This can sound like a red flag, but in reality, it’s normal for most long-term relationships. You and your partner will probably disagree about similar things a lot, and that’s okay. The important thing is that you stay respectful and kind when addressing these disagreements, whether it’s the first time or the fiftieth time. [8]
    • For example, maybe you like to clean up the house at the end of each day, while your partner prefers to do a big cleanup at the end of the week. You two might discuss this a lot over your relationship, but it’s not necessarily a bad thing—it’s just a difference in preferences.
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6

Forgive your partner if you can.

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  1. If you feel hurt or mad at your partner still, work on forgiving them for the past. Make sure you’ve fully talked through the issue, and try to get a sincere apology from your partner, if they’re willing. Then, you can choose whether or not you can forgive your spouse to keep the relationship moving forward. [9]
    • Remember that forgiveness isn’t telling your partner that their actions are okay—it’s allowing yourself to move on instead of hanging onto old feelings.
9

Show love to your partner every day.

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  1. Give your partner a hug when you get home, pick them up a snack when you’re at the store, or send them a sweet text while you’re at work. These small acts of love might not seem like much, but they can remind you why you fell in love in the first place. [12]
    • It helps if you know your partner’s love language . For instance, if their love language is physical touch, they might appreciate a shoulder rub or a massage. Or, if their love language is acts of service, you might do some chores around the house.
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10

Make romance part of your daily life.

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  1. When you get overwhelmed with work, kids, and responsibilities, it’s easy to let romance fall by the wayside. Try your best to be romantic toward your partner so you both remember what it felt like when you first started dating. [13] You could: [14]
    • Have breakfast in bed together
    • Surprise your partner with small gifts
    • Plan a weekend getaway trip
    • Give your partner compliments
    • Have a candlelit dinner at home
11

Remind yourself of your partner’s positive qualities.

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  1. Instead, try to come up with a few positive things that your partner does: maybe they’re awesome at organizing, or maybe they are super handy around the house. Whatever it is, no matter how small, keep those things in mind as you examine your marriage and your relationship. [15]
    • If it helps, you could even make a physical list on paper to look at every time you need a pick-me-up. For instance, your list might say: makes me breakfast on Sundays, is a great parent, is very patient with the kids, is an awesome cook.
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12

Work on yourself.

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  1. [16] It takes two to tango, just like it takes two to make a marriage work. Even if you feel like you’re completely in the right, try to look at it from your partner’s perspective. Then, you can start implementing small changes in yourself that will lead to bigger changes overall. [17]
    • For instance, if you and your spouse often fight when you have to stay late at work, you may be dedicating too much time to your job and not enough time for your spouse. You could work on that by reevaluating your schedule and prioritizing quality time with your partner.
13

Commit 100% to your spouse.

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  1. If you have one foot out the door already, your marriage problems will probably only get worse. Instead, tell yourself to try everything to fix your relationship, no matter what the outcome is. If you dedicate yourself to trying in your marriage, you’re much more likely to get to a healthy, happy place. [18]
    • It’s not uncommon to start looking for a “way out” of the marriage when things get tough. Keep in mind, though, that almost all long-term relationships go through rough patches at one point or another, and most of them make it through to the other side.
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14

Focus on other things that make you happy.

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  1. Marriages sometimes go through rough patches, and that’s okay. Try to spend more time doing things you love, like hanging out with close friends, diving into hobbies, and getting out into nature. Try not to ignore your responsibilities or your home life (don’t leave your spouse to take care of the kids every weekend), but inject a little fun into your routine to make your life easier. [19]
    • You can also focus on self-care and do things that don’t take much time at all. Spend 10 to 15 minutes soaking in a bubble bath, reading a good book, taking a walk, or listening to music.

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      References

      1. Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 18 September 2019.
      2. Jin S. Kim, MA. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.
      3. Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.
      4. https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication
      5. Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C. Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical. Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.
      6. Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 18 September 2019.
      7. https://smartcouples.ifas.ufl.edu/media/smartcouplesifasufledu/docs/pdfs/10-Rules-for-Constructive-Conflict.pdf
      8. https://newsroom.ucla.edu/releases/Keys-to-Happier-Marriage-Include-652
      9. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/images/uploads/Fincham-Forgiveness_in_Marriage_and_Future_Directions.pdf

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