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Fix your communication mindset with family, partners & coworkers
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Everybody wants to feel heard and understood whether you're with friends, with your partner, or at work. When it seems like no one is listening to you, it’s easy to feel unimportant, frustrated, and lonely. If you feel like your words haven’t been getting through to anyone lately, start by identifying exactly why you haven’t been feeling heard by the people in your life. After that, use the tips below—including expert advice from clinical psychologist Michael Dickerson—to cope with your feelings of not being heard.
What to Do if You Don’t Feel Heard
If you’re not feeling heard by the people in your life, address the issue with whomever is making you feel this way. Find a time to talk and use neutral language like, “I’m not feeling heard. Is there a way I can communicate with you better?” Avoid accusatory language like “You don’t love me.”
Steps
Section 1 of 3:
Coping with Feeling Unheard
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Find the source of your pain. Ask yourself what kind of emotional reaction you have when you don’t feel heard. For instance, you might feel resentful that other people don’t care about your ideas, or you might feel insecure because people don’t seem to approve of you. [1] X Research source
- Tracking down the source of your emotional pain will reveal the underlying problem you need to fix. Label it by jotting down what you feel when this happens. Describe what's happening in your body, your thoughts, and your emotional experience.
- For instance, you might note, "When I'm ignored, I feel embarrassed. It's like everyone's in on a pact to ignore me. My face becomes flushed, and I have a sudden desire to punch or kick something."
- Later on, when you try to communicate your feelings to a partner or friend, it’s crucial to be able to name exactly why you’re feeling the way you do. Only then will the other person be able to fully understand and shift their behavior.
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Ask yourself whether your expectations are reasonable. Think about how you’re approaching other people and what you’re seeking from them. Ask yourself if you would be able to respond to someone else the way you want others to respond to you. [2] X Research source
- Consider that other people may have different personal boundaries than you do.
- Let's say you often try to get your husband's attention when he's watching a hockey game. This is notoriously a bad time and sets you both up for disappointment.
- “It can be helpful to ask yourself how important it actually is to focus on the negative emotions that you are experiencing,” advises clinical psychologist Michael Dickerson, PsyD.
- For example, Dickerson continues, “have you had these negative emotions in the past and, if so, did you eventually stop focusing on them and feel okay?”
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Think about other reasons people might not be hearing you. Give other people the benefit of the doubt and acknowledge that the reason you feel unheard by them may have nothing to do with you. The person you’re trying to talk to just might not be available to listen right now. Maybe they’re wrapped up in personal problems, or maybe they’re not skilled at empathizing with others. [3] X Research source
- Don’t take it personally if someone you know is a bad listener. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t worth listening to. After a few attempts, consider not sharing as much with this individual.
- For example, your best bud might be going through a divorce, and you notice him zoning out when you're talking. His current situation at home could be interfering with his ability to be a good listener.
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Take a look at your communication style. Evaluate your communication skills and your approach to talking to others. People who tend to communicate differently may struggle to feel understood. For instance, if you speak in a very soft tone of voice, people may not always hear you talking. Speak in a clear, assertive voice, and make sure you’re loud enough for people to hear you. [4] X Research source
- Check to see what you are actually stating. You may be offended that people don't seem concerned about your opinion yet always decline to share when given a chance.
- When it comes to communicating your needs, try using “I” statements to express your feelings, like “I feel unheard when…” or “I’m struggling with…”
- For example, saying, “I feel like I don’t matter to you when you don't listen to what I have to say,” is less accusatory than “You obviously don’t care about me.”
- Set boundaries with the people in your life. If you’re struggling to communicate with someone, it’s okay to take a break, walk away, and return to the conversation at a later time.
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Talk to someone whom you feel comfortable opening up to. Consider a friend, colleague, family member, loved one, or counselor in your life that you could talk about your feelings with. This should not be the person or people that are making you feel unheard. Rather, this person should be a positive person who you trust to listen to you and give you advice as you sort through your feelings.
- “Consider who you might feel is a comfortable and safe person to talk to who would be willing to listen and not be judgemental,” advises Dickerson.
- “It’s important to open up to people [you] feel comfortable and safe with in order to process [your] feelings and emotions,” Dickerson continues to explain, as keeping your feelings in “can potentially lead to increased mental health concerns such as depression, anxiety, and possibly panic attacks.”
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Model active listening and encourage others to be better listeners. When you listen actively to someone, they’ll be more likely to do the same for you. Focus on what the person is saying instead of just planning your reply as they talk. Practice mirroring to make sure you understand what they’re thinking and feeling. [5] X Research source
- Mirroring means restating someone’s point in your own words. One example of a mirroring phrase is, “It sounds like you feel hurt because I didn’t come to see you last week. Is that right?”
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Address the issue with the person who’s making you feel unheard. Schedule a time to talk with your partner or friend when there won’t be any distractions or time limit. Start with neutral language, like “I am not feeling heard. Am I doing something wrong? What can we do to change this?” Be concise and clear about the reasons you feel upset—if it helps, write down some bullet points ahead of time and refer to them during your chat. [6] X Research source
- Be concrete about your needs and the natural consequences of them not being met. For example, say, “It’s really important to me that you hear this: I need you to stop interrupting me. When you don’t acknowledge my distress, I don’t want to be around you.”
- Ask the person to repeat back what you’ve said until you feel like you’ve been heard without any miscommunication. If they become frustrated or angry, walk away and try again later.
- Someone who deeply cares about you will try to understand your feelings and come to a resolution—if they don’t seem to care about your concerns, it may be time to move on from this relationship.
- In a professional group like an office setting, organization, or social circle, it’s best to talk to the leader of the group directly.
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Avoid reacting with accusations or anger. While it’s natural to feel upset or angry, be careful not to take your feelings out on the other person. They probably won’t hear anything you have to say if they feel like you’re attacking them. Express yourself calmly, and avoid calling names or making accusations. [7] X Research source
- Avoid bringing up any past events or disagreements that don’t have to do with the topic at hand. Reopening old wounds can distract from the more pressing issues and cause the other person to become defensive.
- Similarly, avoid giving the other person the silent treatment. If you give them the cold shoulder rather than communicating with them directly, they’ll never be able to understand exactly what they did to make you feel unheard.
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Focus on yourself and your needs. At the end of the day, you’re the only person that you can control. Know your worth , and remind yourself of your good qualities. If you have positive relationships in your life, nurture them. Reach out to the people who always listen to you or help you, and limit the time you spend around unsupportive or negative people. [8] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
- Get into the habit of using encouraging, positive self-talk instead of talking negatively to yourself. Start practicing daily affirmations or keep a list of things you appreciate about yourself.
- Find small ways to take care of your physical, mental, and emotional health, like reminding yourself to eat breakfast or deciding to go to bed an hour earlier than usual.
- Express yourself through a creative outlet you enjoy, like drawing, writing poetry , or taking a dance class.
- Build up your confidence by stepping outside of your comfort zone and “gradually taking more social risks, such as talking to people, initiating conversations, etc,” recommends Dickerson.
- “What was once uncomfortable,” says Dickerson, “will now seem more comfortable due to increased confidence from knowing you’re capable of being social around people.”
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Tips
- Lead into topics by clearly stating that you have something important to talk about so your partner knows you want their full attention. E.g., “I need to discuss something with you. Do you have a minute?” [15] X Research sourceThanks
- If you’re struggling to deal with your feelings on your own, find a therapist or counselor to help you cope with the emotions you’re experiencing and come up with a practical plan to communicate better with others.Thanks
- If you tend to ramble or tell long stories, people may lose focus or stop paying attention to you. If you want to be a more captivating speaker, speak concisely and plan out what you’re going to say ahead of time.Thanks
Tips from our Readers
The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
- Someone may also hear your feeling and believe that they're real but not justified. For example, you may complain to your partner that a friend is being selfish when they're really just taking time for themselves. Your partner may not agree with your feelings and brush you off.
- Someone not agreeing with you doesn't mean they're not hearing you. Maybe they just don't agree! Ask yourself, "Could I be wrong?" or "Could I agree to disagree?"
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References
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/seeking-to-be-understood-the-need-for-approval
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/making-change/201208/personal-change-realistic-expectations-positive-thinking
- ↑ https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/bring-science-home-speaking-memory/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201401/7-keys-establishing-confident-impression
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/become-a-better-listener-active-listening/
- ↑ ​​ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-funny-bone-to-pick/202307/what-to-do-if-you-feel-unheard-and-unseen
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/wander-woman/202103/5-steps-telling-someone-they-hurt-or-disrespected-you
- ↑ http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/emotional-support.aspx
- ↑ https://www.flourishtogether.com/relationships/what-to-do-to-feel-seen-and-heard-by-your-partner.html
- ↑ https://www.makinwellness.com/an-apology-without-change-is-manipulation/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/reasons-you-and-others-invalidate-your-emotional-experience#what-is-it
- ↑ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/11/16/cptsd-in-the-workplace-unheard/
- ↑ https://traumahealed.com/articles/betrayal-of-not-being-heard/
- ↑ https://www.regain.us/advice/psychology/what-is-psychological-invalidation-how-it-happens-and-its-effects/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/shift-mind/201401/being-heard-breaking-through-the-impasse
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