11 Helpful Tips for Dating Someone Who Works Night Shifts

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Advice to keep your relationship strong, even on opposite schedules
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When you or your partner works nights, it can be hard to find time for a quick meal together, let alone romance and intimacy. How do you maintain a happy and healthy relationship when one of you is working odd hours? Fortunately, it's still possible to keep the romance alive, and we spoke with relationship coach Maya Diamond, MA and marriage & family therapist Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC to teach you how. Keep reading to learn how to have a strong relationship even when one works the night shift.

1

Respect each other’s sleep schedule.

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  1. It can be really tempting to stay awake so you can spend more time with your partner, but not sleeping enough can make you feel irritable. Talk to your partner about what times you’ll both be sleeping and when you’ll both be awake. When your partner is asleep, avoid disturbing them or trying to wake them up. That way, they can wake naturally, feeling refreshed. [1]
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2

Plan creative dates around your schedule.

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  1. Since whoever works nights will want to catch up on sleep during the day, you’ll have to find dates for the early morning or late afternoon. Diamond recommends looking over your schedules together. [2] Pick a time when you’re both awake and available to get together, and then choose a fun activity to do. Some creative date ideas you could try include:
    • Watching the sunrise together
    • Taking an afternoon trip to a museum
    • Catching a matinee at the movie theater
    • Enjoying a meal together before or after the shift
    • Hitting the gym for an early or late workout session
3

Prioritize time for intimacy.

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  1. Maintaining a physical connection is important for a healthy relationship . If you feel like you haven’t had a lot of time to be intimate with your partner because of your schedules, plan times to bond and keep that spark alive. Look for times where you can cuddle, have sex, and work on your physical chemistry without distractions, so it doesn’t feel like you’re growing more distant when one of you is at work. [3]
    • As Diamond notes, it’s really important to set aside quality time together in your relationship. [4]
    • Try to schedule a day or time each week to be physically close with one another.
    • Remember, intimacy is built over time. The more time to take to be together, the more intimate your relationship will become.
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4

Send texts to each other throughout your shifts.

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  1. Try to send your partner a loving message when you have a chance. Keep them updated on your day and ask how they’re doing, so they know that you care. Even if they don’t have time to reply, they’ll appreciate you checking in, whether they’re at work or waiting for you to get home from your shift. Here are some example messages:
    • “Hey you ❤️ just woke up and I’m missing you! Hope your shift has been easy so far 😘”
    • “I’m just about to go to bed, but I wanted to say goodnight and have fun at work! I’ll be dreaming of you 😉”
    • “I hope you’ve been sleeping well. Work has been crazy, but it’s made the night go fast. I can’t wait to see you in the morning!”
    • You can even send an especially sexy or romantic message to really turn up the heat, Diamond advises. [5]
5

Leave each other love notes.

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  1. Even if it seems old-fashioned, a short and sweet love letter gives your partner something to read and remember you by for the whole day. If your partner is leaving for a shift, pack a small note in their lunchbox or set it near their keys. If you’re the one working at night, leave a note on a bedside table or another place your partner will see it when they wake up. [6] Try using these messages as inspiration:
    • “Just a little reminder that you’re amazing and I love you!”
    • “Go make it a great day at work! I’m rooting for you!”
    • “Good morning! I can’t wait to see you when you get home!”
    • Feel free to leave long love letters, too! Diamond recommends that when your partner gets home, read the letter out loud and share all the different ways you appreciate and love them. [7]
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6

Take advantage of holidays and days off.

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  1. You’ll probably have a few days and major holidays off that will line up with your partner, so take advantage of your off-time when you can. Plan to see each other and hang out doing something fun, so you can stay connected with them. Diamond says that this helps strengthen your relationship and brings you and your partner closer together. [8]
    • If you and your partner both work, coordinate which holidays you want to take off together. This way, you can give each other your undivided attention.
    • Plan to do something fun on your days off. Go to a park, visit a museum, or even take a day trip!
7

Be present when you’re together.

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  1. When you have limited time to see your partner before or after work, just spending time in the same room together isn't enough. Put your phones away, get rid of any distractions, and focus on bonding with one another. Have meaningful conversations , do an activity together, and show affection towards your partner to make the most of your time. As Diamond notes, being present with each other can help you bond as a couple. [9]
    EXPERT TIP

    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

    Marriage & Family Therapist
    Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).
    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
    Marriage & Family Therapist

    Be honest about what's taking up your time outside of the relationship. Then, consider how you can adjust your schedule to make time for your partner. For instance, think of ways to adjust certain hobbies and activities to do things together.

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8

Plan a vacation together.

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  1. If you both have some vacation time to use or can afford a day off, plan a long weekend or a day trip where you can get away with your partner. Vacations are really important when you’re feeling physically and emotionally drained, and they can help you refocus on your relationship if work or life has been stressful. [10]
    • You don’t have to travel when you take time off. A relaxing staycation can work just as well to help you feel refreshed while staying in your own space.
9

Support each other.

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  1. Be patient and empathetic toward your partner. It can be difficult and frustrating for both of you to work opposite schedules and not get to see or talk to each other as much as you’d like. Approach problems as a team and focus on finding solutions rather than blaming each other. Build each other up, be supportive, and encourage each other to create healthy habits.
    • If you live together, try to divide household responsibilities fairly and in a way that works for both of you.
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10

Make time for self-care.

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  1. Working nights or supporting a partner who works nights can start taking its toll on you emotionally, so look for relaxing ways to recenter yourself. Make sure to maintain a healthy diet , practice stress relief , and take care of your health so you feel your best. Some things you can do to unwind and recharge include: [11]
    • Reading your favorite book
    • Meditating
    • Doing yoga
    • Going for a walk
11

Focus on your interests when you’re alone.

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  1. Take your mind off of your partner by working on some personal projects. Put time and energy into something you want to achieve, or rekindle your interest in an old hobby. That way, you stay productive and focus on another thing you love while you’re taking your mind off of missing who you love. [12]
    • Try writing a book, sewing a costume, or training for a marathon.
    • Not sure what hobby to pursue? Check out this list of hobbies !
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12

Talk with your partner if you’re struggling.

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  1. If it feels like you’re having trouble connecting or balancing your time with your partner, sit down and have a conversation about what’s going on. Use “I” statements to focus on your emotions so it doesn’t feel like you’re blaming them. Once they hear how you’re feeling, you can brainstorm ways to strengthen the relationships and work with each other’s schedules. [13] Try saying something like:
    • “I start to feel lonely when you leave for work at night without saying goodbye. I know you don’t want to wake me up, so is there another way you could tell me before you go?”
    • “I feel like we haven’t had a lot of time to focus on us lately. Can we carve out a weekend just for us so we can reconnect a little?”
    • “I’ve felt that there’s been some distance growing between us over the past couple of weeks. Has something changed at work that we should talk about?”

    Need some more guidance? Talk to a therapist, either with or without your partner, to work through your emotions.

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      References

      1. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-you-can-sleep-better-if-you-work-the-night-shift/
      2. ↑ Maya Diamond, MA. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 17 January 2019.
      3. ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-creating-intimacy
      4. ↑ Maya Diamond, MA. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 17 January 2019.
      5. ↑ Maya Diamond, MA. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 17 January 2019.
      6. ↑ https://www.inc.com/drew-hendricks/5-hacks-for-making-it-work-when-you-have-opposite-shifts-as-your-spouse.html
      7. ↑ Maya Diamond, MA. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 17 January 2019.
      8. ↑ Maya Diamond, MA. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 17 January 2019.
      9. ↑ Maya Diamond, MA. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 17 January 2019.
      1. ↑ https://hbr.org/2023/07/how-taking-a-vacation-improves-your-well-being
      2. ↑ https://www.concorde.edu/about-us/blog/career-tips-advice/3-tips-for-parents-working-the-night-shift
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/may-i-have-your-attention/201301/when-work-interferes-with-love
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/may-i-have-your-attention/201301/when-work-interferes-with-love

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