How to Deal With Girls Calling You a Slut

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: May 2, 2024 References

Girls can be cruel to one another. Girl-on-girl bullying often begins in elementary school and, in some cases, lasts into the adult years. One way mean girls sometimes put another girl down is by spreading rumors or using language that implies that their target is sexually promiscuous. This is a classic put-down that relies on the idea that there are certain things "good girls" don't do, like have sex with a lot of guys. In some cases, though, you might be called a slut or something similar even if you've never had sex. The phrase itself often is meant to imply that you are a "bad girl" and should not be trusted. While it can be a hard situation to deal with, there are several strategies you can try if you find yourself the target of this type of bullying.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Overcoming Gossip and Bullying

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1
Understand the difference between friendly teasing and slut-shaming. The word "slut" is a sexual slur used almost exclusively against women. It's a way to say that a girl or woman is a bad person because she has too much sex or too many sexual partners. ^{[1]
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Research source} Sometimes it is used in a bantering way between friends, and other times it is used to bully or put a woman down.
- Sometimes girls and women call each other "sluts" as a way to take back that word from its negative use, in an effort to make light of it and drain it of some of its power. It's a way for girls to take the shame out of enjoying their sexuality. There are many oppressed groups that have "reclaimed" words once used against them in this way. If you have friends who call you a slut, think about their intent: they may mean it in an endearing way. You can ask them to stop if it bothers you, and since they are your friends, they should understand and do their best to stop.
- If someone is using the word "slut" against you in a way that makes you feel belittled, hurt, or harassed, it doesn't matter what her intention is. She is bullying you.
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2
Know that the word might not have anything to do with sex. Although the term slut is usually associated with someone who has a lot of sex, or who expresses her sexuality in ways that other people don't approve of, in reality it is often used in other ways by girls themselves.
- One study of college women found that the word had very little to do with the target's sexual behaviors. Instead, in the study, higher social class women used the term against lower social class women as a way of saying that they didn't want to include them in their social group. ^{[2]
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- That study found that white, middle-to upper-class college women used the word "slut" against poorer women and women of color most often, and that the bullies themselves often had more sexual experience than the targets. ^{[3]
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3
Recognize that you are being bullied. This might seem silly, especially if you're not a little kid and you think bullying belongs in elementary school. Actually, people of all ages can experience bullying, which really just means that a person is mean to another person over and over again. ^{[4]
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- Calling names like "slut" is a very common form of girl-on-girl bullying. They may be calling you a slut because gossip has spread about your relationships or sexuality (possibly started by someone who wants to increase his own reputation as a "stud"), but this word and others like it (such as "whore," "hoe," or "skank") may simply be your bullies' way of humiliating you with little or nothing to do with your sexual behavior.
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4
Take safety measures on social media. Technology makes bullying easier than ever, so if you are active on social networking sites, you may need to take some precautions to keep bullies from having access to your information.
- Lock down your privacy settings and ensure that your only friends on social media are people you know and trust in real life. If you are friends with your bully, unfriend her; you might also consider unfriending mutual friends, or at the very least limiting what they can see on your profile.
- Never post anything — text or photos — that you wouldn't want circulated among your family, friends, workplace, or school.
- Report any bullying or threatening messages you receive to your parents, teachers, and even the police if the messages happen frequently or contain any threats.
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5
Learn healthy ways of dealing with conflict. You might be tempted to return like-for-like when it comes to bullying behavior, but fighting with your bully by calling her names, spreading rumors about her, or getting into physical fights will not help your situation. In fact, it might result in you getting into trouble, when she's the one who started the whole thing.
- If you have one bully, consider approaching her and asking her to stop. Be the bigger person. This can be incredibly hard in the moment, but give your bully a sincere smile, and say something like, "I'm not sure why you said that, but I really want you to stop." Then walk away. Sometimes a bully can be so taken back by a genuine response that she won't know what to do. ^{[5]
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- If you think your bully is an otherwise reasonable person, ask her if she wants to talk. You might say, "Is there something I did that made you angry at me? Would you like to have lunch and talk about it?" Sitting down and having a conversation can help get at the root of her behavior, if she's willing. She may have heard a rumor about you or may have some other explanation for why she is targeting you. Even if she doesn't want to sit down and talk, knowing that you're a reasonable person who is open to discussion might make her less upset with you and less likely to target you.
- Think about the relationship as a balloon that is not fully filled with air. If you don't put any air into the balloon, it will continue to not have substance to it. If you do put air into the balloon, it will get bigger and bigger. Engaging a bully is a lot like this. If you refuse to feed into the bullying dynamic, you refuse to put air into the balloon. Eventually, the bully will pick on someone else in order to "inflate her balloon."
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6
Use different tactics for cliques. Girl bullies often travel in groups, working together to pick on other girls to make themselves feel more powerful. It is not usually helpful to confront a group of several girls at once all by yourself. ^{[6]
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- Avoid the situation as much as possible. Try to avoid running into your bullies if possible, and ask a friend to go with you if you have to go somewhere you know the clique will be. ^{[7]
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- Don't react. Remember what your parents told you as a child, about how reacting to a bully is just giving them what they want? It turns out your parents were right. Bullies thrive on power, so if you don't respond by getting angry or crying, you'll drain the experience of fun for the bullies and they will hopefully move on. Try to stay calm and focus on something else if it happens again. ^{[8]
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7
Talk to someone. If you are feeling targeted by girls at school or women at work, you don't have to suffer in silence. Talking about it can help you figure out strategies to overcome it.
- Talk to your parents or other trusted adult. Explain the situation and ask them to help you figure out a solution. Sometimes having a parent intervene is the only way to get it to stop. Your parent might contact the bully's parents, the principal, or help you come up with strategies to use in the moment if it happens again. Parents should familiarize themselves with the school's harassment policy.
- Talk to a counselor or therapist to help you separate the criticisms other people might throw at you from your actual value as a human being.
- Talk to a teacher, school counselor, or supervisor if you are being bullied or harassed at school or work. That behavior is illegal in a workplace and almost always against the code of conduct in a school or university setting, and should be dealt with at an administrative level to be sure it doesn't keep happening.