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Living with homophobic parents can be a painful and difficult situation. Whether you are gay yourself, have a close loved one or friend who is, or just support the LGBT movement in general, dealing with intolerance is tough. If your parents have said or done homophobic things in the past, you might try to gain an understanding of their viewpoints and work to change them. Then, you might decide whether you want to come out to your parents. However, make sure you have a plan in place in case they have a negative reaction. It may also help to learn how to stand up for your right to be yourself and love whoever you want to.
Steps
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Listen to their concerns so you can address them. The only way to convince another person to change their views is by first getting a good understanding of what their views are. You may have heard your parents make homophobic comments before, but maybe you don't really understand why they feel the way they do. Start a dialogue with them about their feelings about gay people and use active listening skills to truly hear their side of things. [1] X Research source
- Avoid interrupting them or defending your own views, even if what they say is upsetting. You will get your chance to talk later.
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Ask questions so you can better understand how they feel. Your parents have reasons for their beliefs, and understanding their views will help you see things from their perspective. Your parents may try to shrug it off when you ask "Why are you against gay people?" by responding "Because it's just wrong!" Press them for more information by asking clarifying questions.
- You might ask, "Why do you think it's wrong?"
- In some cases, this might pertain to their religious beliefs, but you might also uncover a deeper, or more personal reason that they are against gay people
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Give religious parents time to adjust their views. If your parents are religious, they may have learned that homosexual relationships, being transgender, or being nonbinary are wrong. They may struggle to accept that homosexuality is natural and part of who you are. Don’t try to attack their religion, as they’ll likely just push back. Instead, work on educating them with current research. [2] X Research source
- If you know people in your religious community who are accepting of LGBTQ+ individuals, invite them to talk to your parents to share a different viewpoint.
Tip: Your parents may attack your faith when they realize you’re LGBTQ+ or an ally. It’s helpful to prepare for these types of comments and questions in advance. You might plan on saying something like, “I think God makes people LGBTQ+,” or “My faith tells me that God loves everyone, and it’s not up to me to judge anyone.”
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Explain your perspective to your parents. Tell your parents about your feelings and experiences as an LGBTQ+ individual. Invite them to ask you questions and answer to the best of your abilities. You can also help them find articles, pamphlets, and other educational materials to read. [3] X Research source
- If you aren't LGBTQ+, but are simply trying to broaden their views, you might share an experience of a friend or watch a video with them that portrays an inside perspective.
- If your parents aren’t willing to open their minds and learn more, there’s not much you can do to convince them. Don’t push too hard, since that might make them even less inclined to listen to you.
EXPERT TIPClinical PsychologistDr. Inge Hansen, PsyD, is the Director of Well-Being at Stanford University and the Weiland Health Initiative. Dr. Hansen has professional interests in social justice and gender and sexual diversity. She earned her PsyD from the California School of Professional Psychology with specialized training in the area of gender and sexual identity. She is the co-author of The Ethical Sellout: Maintaining Your Integrity in the Age of Compromise.Our Expert Agrees: Give your parents as much time and space as possible to come to terms with your gender or sexual orientation. Offer them opportunities to learn more about LGBTQ+ identities or meet other parents who are further along in their acceptance journey, if they're open to it.
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Don’t give up on your parents. If you love your parents and want them in your life, you’ll have to accept them as they are. Keep reaching out to them, and they will probably respond eventually. They may even have a change of heart and stop being so homophobic.
- Even if your parents remain homophobic to some degree, they may soften up over time to maintain a relationship with you.
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Decide whether coming out is a good idea. You deserve to live your life out and proud, but always put your safety first. Unfortunately, coming out to your parents can have harmful consequences if you’re a minor. For instance, your parents might kick you out or say very harmful things to you. Make sure you’re sure your parents won’t threaten your wellbeing before you tell them you’re LGBTQ+. [4] X Research source
- To figure out if they might be ready, consider their responses to your questions about their LGBTQ+ beliefs.
- Always listen to your intuition! If you feel afraid to tell them, wait until the timing feels right.
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Make a plan for how you’ll handle a bad reaction from your parents. Before you tell your parents that you’re LGBTQ+, arrange for a place to stay and someone to talk to in case things go wrong. Additionally, determine how you’ll support yourself if your parents cut you off. While it’s scary and painful to think about these things, it’ll help you protect yourself if things don’t go well. [5] X Research source
- For example, you might arrange to stay with a supportive family member who can help cover your costs until you’re ready to be on your own. Alternatively, you might stay with a friend’s family.
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Find a good time to come out. Talk to your parents when you and they are calm and in a good mood. Avoid coming out during a busy or emotionally tense time, like a holiday, a big family event, or an argument. You want your parents to be as receptive as possible to what you have to say. [6] X Research source
- Think about what you’ll say ahead of time, so you don’t get tongue-tied.
- Ask a trusted friend or adult to help and support you during this conversation.
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Be kind and compassionate with your parents as they adjust. Your coming out may come as a shock to your parents. They might react with sadness, confusion, or denial. Try to understand where they are coming from, and be as gentle as you can during your conversation. Reassure them that you’re happy, and tell them you can still do things like get married and have kids.
Tip: You have every right to be upset if your parents have a negative reaction. Try to remind yourself that they’re likely just worried about your happiness and well-being. Explain that what’s most important for your happiness is that they love and support you for who you are.
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Give them a chance to respond, but leave if you’re unsafe. Your parents might get upset or may try to argue with you about your LGBTQ+ identity. This can be very painful, but it doesn’t mean they won’t eventually accept you. Listen to them if they’re not threatening you, and try to reassure them that what you really need from them right now is for them to just love you. [7] X Research source
- Try not to argue with them, as this might escalate the situation. Instead, say something like, “I understand that you feel that way, but I hope you’ll understand that this is who I am,” or “I hear what you’re saying, but I don’t agree with your beliefs. I know you love me, and I just hope you’ll accept me as I am.”
Warning: It’s possible that your parents will become violent or threatening. If this happens, remove yourself from the situation immediately and go somewhere safe. Remember that this behavior is not your fault, and you don’t deserve to be treated this way.
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Give your parents time to process what you said. Your parents may need time to think about what you said and to accept that you’re LGBTQ+. Your relationship with them might feel awkward and strained for a while before it starts to get better. Be patient with them as they let go of their previous goals for you and accept who you really are. [8] X Research source
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Emphasize that you’re still the same person. Your parents may be afraid of losing the child they love, so show them you’re still the same person. Live your life like you normally do. Talk about your day, discuss your plans, and invite your parents to do things you’d normally do as a family. [9] X Research source
- Acting the same as you always have will help your parents feel “normal” about your relationship again.
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Explain that accepting your LGBTQ+ identity makes you happy. Your parents may fear that being LGBTQ+ will make you a target for bullying or that you won’t live a fulfilling life. These fears may make them fight to change who you are. Help them understand that these fears are unfounded. Tell them that what’s most important is that you have their love and support. [10] X Research source
- You might say, “I can see why you’d be worried about me, but I’ll be okay. I just need you to love me.”
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Follow your backup plan. If your parents don’t take the news well, grab your packed bag and go to the place where you’ve planned to stay. Focus on taking care of yourself during this time. Later, you can reach out to your parents to see if they’re open to acceptance.EXPERT TIPClinical PsychologistDr. Inge Hansen, PsyD, is the Director of Well-Being at Stanford University and the Weiland Health Initiative. Dr. Hansen has professional interests in social justice and gender and sexual diversity. She earned her PsyD from the California School of Professional Psychology with specialized training in the area of gender and sexual identity. She is the co-author of The Ethical Sellout: Maintaining Your Integrity in the Age of Compromise.
Our Expert Agrees: Remember that just because your parents aren't accepting, it has nothing to do with you and your inherent worth. Find people in your life who will accept and celebrate you for who you are. Also, if your parents are extremely homophobic, you may need to take precautions to protect your own emotional well-being and ensure you will still have a home and financial support despite their beliefs.
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Go somewhere safe if your parents become violent or threaten you. Unfortunately, your parents may lash out at you after you come out. You don’t deserve this type of treatment, and it’s important that you move to safety. Leave the situation and call someone you trust for help. Then, move to a safe location until you feel ready to contact your parents. [11] X Research source
- It’s best to arrange to stay with a friend or family member before you tell your parents.
- If you don’t have anywhere to go, contact local LGBTQ+ organizations to get help finding a place to stay. You might also try local shelters if there are any near you.
- If you’re a member of a faith community, you might find someone there who will allow you to stay with them.
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Recognize verbal abuse when you hear it. It’s not okay for your parents to say cruel, hurtful things to you. In addition to insults, your parents may threaten you, make jokes about you, or withhold affection from you. If your parents say these types of things to you, try not to take them personally. Until you can move out, remind yourself that your parents are speaking from a place of fear. [12] X Research source
- Talk to a counselor or friend who can help you deal with your parents’ harmful statements.
- Verbal abuse is still abuse. It may be best for you to arrange to live somewhere else if your parents continue to treat you this way.
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Surround yourself with people who support you. You likely have people in your life who accept you for who you are. If you don’t, reach out to members of the LGBTQ+ community, either in person or online. Ask these supporters to be there for you during this time. [13] X Research source
- Talk to these people when you need to vent or get advice.
- Spend time with your supporters to boost your mood.
- Rely on your support system when you need a place to stay, financial support, or food.
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Talk to a counselor who can help you process your feelings. Feeling rejected by your parents is a painful experience. A counselor can help you deal with your emotions and create a healthy mindset. Look for a counselor online, through an LGBTQ+ support group, or at your school. [14] X Research source
- You may be able to get counseling for free through your school or a local university with a psychology program. Additionally, there may be free support groups for LGBTQ+ individuals in your area.
Variation: You may be able to use a free chat line to get support. For instance, you might try Q Chat Space, which will allow you to talk to someone your own age. [15] X Research source
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Ask your parents to attend family counseling if they can’t accept you. It’s really painful to feel rejected by your parents, but your relationship can get better. Counseling may help you communicate better with your parents. Additionally, your counselor may help you all understand things from each other’s perspective. Tell your parents that you want to improve your relationship and ask them to make an appointment for counseling. [16] X Research source
- Even if your parents don’t want to talk to a counselor, consider getting individual counseling for yourself. If you’re in high school or college, you can probably talk to a school counselor for free.
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Make it clear that you aren’t asking for permission. Your parents might try to forbid you from being anything but straight. Don’t get into an argument with them – you won’t win, and it might make the situation worse. Instead, calmly tell them that you aren’t going to change, but you still want a relationship with them. [17] X Research source
- Say something like, “I understand that you don’t approve, and I’m not asking for permission. I’m just hoping for your acceptance and tolerance.”
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Live your life for yourself. You are the one who has to live your life, so resolve to do it on your own terms, not your parents’. Your parents may be unhappy or even angry about your sexual orientation, but it’s not their place to make you behave or feel a certain way. [18] X Research source
- However, remember that if you’re living in your parents’ house, they still have some say over your activities. If you’re worried about how coming out will affect your day-to-day life, it may be time to step out on your own.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionMy mom didn't take the news lightly. She says that I'm not her son anymore, that she wants to die etc. She keeps making me feel so guilty! I'm really young and have no good family members. I'm lost.Dr. David is an Assistant Professor in Psychology at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center and a Psychiatry Consultant at Clements University Hospital and at Zale Lipshy University Hospital. She is a member of the Board of Behavioral Sleep Medicine, the Academy for Integrative Pain Management, and the American Psychological Association’s Division of Health Psychology. In 2017, she received the Baylor Scott & White Research Institute’s Podium Presentation Award and scholarship. She received her PsyD from Alliant International University in 2017 with an emphasis in Health Psychology.It takes bravery and courage to come out about your sexual orientation to family members who are not accepting of it. Being around like-minded (open-minded) and supporting people is important right now. Join a support group in your community or online, talk to a therapist or counselor, and surround yourself with people who you feel safe with to be yourself.
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QuestionI'm a pansexual female and have been out as such for almost four years but my Dad is convinced it's a phase and is hoping I'll come out as straight. What should I do?Dr. David is an Assistant Professor in Psychology at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center and a Psychiatry Consultant at Clements University Hospital and at Zale Lipshy University Hospital. She is a member of the Board of Behavioral Sleep Medicine, the Academy for Integrative Pain Management, and the American Psychological Association’s Division of Health Psychology. In 2017, she received the Baylor Scott & White Research Institute’s Podium Presentation Award and scholarship. She received her PsyD from Alliant International University in 2017 with an emphasis in Health Psychology.It is great that you are out and comfortable with your sexual orientation. It is normal for your dad to believe this is a phase and be in denial, but this can be very frustrating for you. It is likely that he may also be confused about what being pansexual means, so explain it to him, as much as he needs you to, and be patient with him. Also try being open and honest with him about who you are dating, instead of hiding it or keeping it secret. Over time exposure will help your father to understand, acknowledge, and accept your sexual identity.
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Warnings
- If you're considering suicide or otherwise having a rough time, you can reach out to the Trevor Project to speak with a trained counselor for free. Please remember that you are never alone.Thanks
- Your parents may kick you out or stop financially supporting you after you come out. This is totally unfair to you, but it’s important to plan for in case this happens.Thanks
- Whether it's your parents or not, if someone threatens you, you should tell the police or other trusted adults.Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-gift-maybe/201505/is-there-ever-just-one-side-story
- ↑ https://goodmenproject.com/families/how-to-help-religious-parents-face-having-a-gay-child-twr/
- ↑ https://goodmenproject.com/families/how-to-help-religious-parents-face-having-a-gay-child-twr/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/gay-and-lesbian-well-being/201103/should-you-come-out-your-parents
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/gay-and-lesbian-well-being/201103/should-you-come-out-your-parents
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/gay-and-lesbian-well-being/201103/should-you-come-out-your-parents
- ↑ https://www.peelregion.ca/health/sexuality/relations/sex-harass.htm
- ↑ https://goodmenproject.com/families/how-to-help-religious-parents-face-having-a-gay-child-twr/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/gay-and-lesbian-well-being/201103/should-you-come-out-your-parents
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/gay-and-lesbian-well-being/201103/should-you-come-out-your-parents
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/gay-and-lesbian-well-being/201103/should-you-come-out-your-parents
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-love/201503/15-common-forms-verbal-abuse-in-relationships
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/gay-and-lesbian-well-being/201103/should-you-come-out-your-parents
- ↑ https://www.peelregion.ca/health/sexuality/relations/sex-harass.htm
- ↑ https://www.teenvogue.com/story/queer-dating-homophobic-parents-dtfo
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/gay-and-lesbian-well-being/201103/should-you-come-out-your-parents
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/randy-neece/the-parent-crap-10-tips-for-coming-out_b_2104164.html
- ↑ http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/comment/cant-come-out-yes-you-can-8552069.html
About This Article
Article Summary
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Dealing with homophobic parents can be a challenge but try to listen to their views without arguing so you can understand their position. Then, give your own opinion calmly and politely, which will make them more willing to listen to you. Use articles, pamphlets, and documentaries to back up your side of the issue. If you’re gay yourself, make it clear that you’re not asking for your parents’ permission, since you didn’t choose your sexuality. Say something like, “I understand you don’t approve, but I’m not asking for permission to be who I am. I’m just hoping for your acceptance and tolerance.” If they don’t accept your sexuality, try to come to terms with the fact that you don’t need your parents’ acceptance to be happy in the long term. For more tips, including how to come out to your parents, read on!
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Reader Success Stories
- "I'm an openly gay teen who has struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts. I, at one point, decided to try to make myself straight. This was the source of my first experience with depression and suicidal thoughts. Eventually I opened up to my friends and admitted I was gay. Soon after, my entire school knew. Though not everyone, but close to everyone in my school had no problem with it. I knew I would have to tell my parents at some point. So over this past summer, I came out to them. They told me they were 100% fine with it; but then, things started to change. My parents grew super close-minded and oppressive. I was confused and fell into depression and suicidal thoughts once again. Self-harm became a constant battle. This still continues to this day. I now have an amazing boyfriend that makes my life worth living. My parents are very hostile towards me and show no relent to their behavior. This article gave me hope that someday, my parents will treat me as their son, Jake, not a stranger." ..." more
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"I'm an openly gay teen who has struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts. I, at one point, decided to try to make myself straight. This was the source of my first experience with depression and suicidal thoughts. Eventually I opened up to my friends and admitted I was gay. Soon after, my entire school knew. Though not everyone, but close to everyone in my school had no problem with it. I knew I would have to tell my parents at some point. So over this past summer, I came out to them. They told me they were 100% fine with it; but then, things started to change. My parents grew super close-minded and oppressive. I was confused and fell into depression and suicidal thoughts once again. Self-harm became a constant battle. This still continues to this day. I now have an amazing boyfriend that makes my life worth living. My parents are very hostile towards me and show no relent to their behavior. This article gave me hope that someday, my parents will treat me as their son, Jake, not a stranger."
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"I am a 7th grade girl, and a Mormon. I just recently came to accept that I am a bisexual, after fighting the thought of it for years. I am physically scared to come out to my parents because they are homophobic. I feel like they won't accept me and put me in "therapy". I still haven't come out to anybody, but I plan to come out to a friend of mine, who is also bisexual, tomorrow. She came out to her parents in a similar situation. "
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"I really found this article to be helpful and great in general, as it helps teach others in the LGBTQIA Community to be more accepting and caring for those that don't share the same views, such as homophobes, rather than spreading more hate. Awesome job!!"
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"I liked the part where it told me to be prepared to get kicked out of my parents place, I mean, my dad excepts gays nicely but my mom is very anti about it so I might just have to find my dad or become fake and straight."
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"Actually helped me calm down about my homophobic parents, knowing that many other people have faced this and gotten past it. It makes me feel hopeful."
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