How to Deal With a Difficult Spouse

PDF download Download Article
PDF download Download Article

Relationships are works-in-progress and require a few course-corrections to reach their full potential. If you and your spouse are feeling the impact of anger issues, poor communication or an inability to compromise, you can improve your situation. Developing the tools of open and honest communication, learning to negotiate a compromise, and committing to change will get you back on the road to happiness.

Method 1
Method 1 of 4:

Improving Communication

PDF download Download Article
  1. Write down your concerns so you can communicate them to your spouse. This will help identify specific behaviors, feelings and solutions. If you believe there is a problem, include a possible solution.
    • Write down your thoughts. It will be helpful to get it all out on paper. Writing down your thoughts is therapeutic and will help organize your emotions in a way that promotes stress reduction. [1]
    • Practice saying your concerns out loud. Don’t worry about being perfect. If it is from your heart, that is what matters. [2]
    • When you talk to someone who may overpower you with their negativity, being prepared is a good way to combat the urge to be negative as well. [3]
  2. [4] Avoid early morning conversations when you or your spouse might be grumpy; and try not to talk immediately when you get home from work. Relax and settle down before you approach. If you’ve been feeling the brunt of his negativity, you probably know what time will hold the most promise for a positive outcome.
    • Talking in public places might be beneficial. The person is less likely to get upset for fear of being embarrassed.
    • Align as many positive things as you can to set the stage for positive communication. Perhaps you could go somewhere that you both enjoy, or you could stay at home and have a great dinner.
    Advertisement
  3. Express your optimism about working together to find a solution. Make it clear that you're interested in your spouse's opinion as well as your own. [5] This is your chance to make a difference in your relationship. It is your time to speak and be heard. Don’t let your spouse deter you from your goal of having a good, problem-solving conversation. You’re on a mission to be heard so focus on what’s important: creating a change for the better. [6]
    • Approach the subject positively by saying something like, “I really appreciate the things you do for me and I really want you to be happy. I get the feeling you’re not happy with me based on some of the things you say.” This will start things off.
    • If his first response is negative, try to stop him by saying, “I want to talk about this peacefully because I’m concerned about it; and if we need to change something, then we need to listen to each other.” Diffuse his response with calm, focused discussion.
    • If he can’t respond without getting aggressive or agitated, then simply say, “Maybe we can talk about this later.” If he is absolute in his demeanor then you have got a more serious problem on your hands. Don’t put yourself in harm’s way. Do what you can to get to a safe place.
    • He may respond with an open ear and show you his genuine concern. This is your opportunity to let him know how you feel about being criticized. Don’t be afraid to tell him that it hurts your feelings and makes you concerned about your relationship and its future.
    • Keep telling him that you love him and show your support for what he has to say.
  4. If you know that you haven’t been doing anything that would constitute your spouse’s negative responses, then it’s time to roll up your sleeves and get to work. This is the perfect opportunity to practice your problem solving skills. [7]
    • If a person is always complaining or being critical about most things in life it may be due to something that happened to him earlier in life. There could be an event or a tragedy in a person’s life that makes him behave this way.
    • You may find out that he is very unhappy with his job or with an unrelated issue that has nothing to do with you. If he thinks his life is bad because of these things, he might be taking it out on you.
    • He may be resenting you for not being perfect . You need to remind him that you aren’t perfect, you weren’t when you met, probably never will be, and neither is he.
    • Insecurities about job performance, financial independence, and physical performance can all contribute to a person’s constant complaining and negativity. [8] Depression may be at the root of the problem and needs to be dealt with accordingly.
    • He might feel the world is against him and you are part of it. You need to separate yourself from that association and reassure him that you are on his side.
  5. Lead by example by speaking your truth. This does not mean you have to be brutally honest and hurt the person’s feelings. Use your words carefully and keep in mind that you are trying to solve problem that will improve your communication. [9]
  6. Respect is earned. If you act in a respectful manner it will set the stage for being respected in return. If you feel you are not being respected, tell the person, “I want us to be respectful to each other. I’m willing to do that, are you?”
  7. It takes courage to be vulnerable. Opening your heart to the possibility of improvement is essential. You may have a fear of getting hurt, but that is a risk worth taking. Once you experience the reward of being open, it will become easier.
    8. Advertisement
Method 2
Method 2 of 4:

Dealing with an Inability to Compromise

PDF download Download Article
  1. Lead by example and serve as your own mediator. [10] You want to appear optimistic about the situation. Be attentive and focused so she knows that you are serious and believe that you can solve the problem at hand.
    • Be diplomatic. Having a keen sense of fairness will help get your work done.
    • Listen and be heard. It is common knowledge that you cannot listen and talk at the same time. You need to be able to listen to what she has to say; and you need to feel that you are being heard. If you don’t feel you are being heard, then tell her.
    • Don’t interrupt. Show your respect for the process by not interrupting. If she interrupts you tell her something like, “I’m not going to interrupt you when you’re talking because I want to hear what you have to say. Please let me talk without being interrupted so you’ll know exactly what I’m trying to communicate.”
  2. Know what you want and be able to communicate it. [11] She needs to know how you feel when she criticizes the things you do. Think about these things ahead of time so you can clearly communicate your needs and wants. Preparation will help you stay on task should she decide to add her negative input.
    • Do not compromise your values. Be clear that you are not willing to go against your values. Be specific about what you consider deal breakers . If she constantly berates your grandmother behind her back, which erodes the value you place on your family, tell her.
    • Always tie your needs and wants back to helping the relationship. Confirm that all you want is to be happy and for her to be happy.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 832 wikiHow readers how they felt about their role in their relationship, and only 4% of them said I feel like my needs are met. [Take Poll] Clearly stating what you want and need can help you build a stronger relationship moving forward.
  3. This will allow her the opportunity to clarify her requests, expectations and desires. It’s important to hear what she has to say, which will help her feel understood.
    • Take notes and if she asks you why you’re doing that, tell her you want to make sure you don’t miss anything she says.
    • Read back your notes to her and ask if you got everything correct. Add anything you missed or anything she would like to add.
    • If she indicates something she wants and you know you cannot agree to it simply say, “I can’t agree to that. It’s not reasonable to me. Perhaps we can take some time to think about other options and find a compromise.”
  4. People who have a problem with chronic negativity add a negative twist to every situation. Do not allow yourself to be influenced by your partner's negative and critical thinking. [12]
    • If she continues to be negative tell her, “I’m trying to focus on the positive so we can solve this problem. It’s easy to be negative. Being positive is hard, but that’s what I’m going to do.”
  5. You both need to fully embrace the idea of reconciliation. It is crucial that at minimum you agree to try to make a change. That may be your starting point, and then you can build from there. The goal is to commit to the process fully, but you may need to start with small steps. [13]
    • Review the items on both your lists. Let her know that you agree to make the changes, if she agrees to make the changes too.
    • It is acceptable to say things like, “I’m willing to commit to you and this agreement. Tell me how comfortable and willing you are to commit to making things better for us.”
    • Reassure her that you are doing this to make things better for both of you and your future together.
    6. Advertisement
Method 3
Method 3 of 4:

Adjusting for Imperfections

PDF download Download Article
  1. Change does not come easy for some people. [14] Your spouse has a difficult challenge ahead, especially if he hasn’t been aware of his behaviors or what triggers them. Patience is the key to a successful relationship. Convince yourself that although this is an extremely challenging time, it is temporary.
    • Things will improve if you remain focused on your goals.
    • If things aren’t going well, don’t give up. Discuss the matter and agree to move forward making adjustments if necessary.
  2. When you are pleased with how things are going, tell your spouse. If you see him catch himself being negative and then he corrects himself, acknowledge this as an accomplishment. Everyone needs to know they are doing a good job. It will help both of you stay motivated. [15]
  3. If you can both find some way to laugh about the situation, it can be healing for both of you. [16] A laugh is the shortest distance between two people. [17] It is almost impossible to stay upset when you are laughing. Try it.
  4. Everyone needs a little coaching. Don’t criticize your spouse or yourself for making mistakes. Instead, focus on the efforts you both are making to be better people. A tiny step is still a step in the right direction.
  5. Whether your situation is more serious or you are dealing with a spouse who ignores your requests to take out the trash, it’s important to keep things in perspective. No one likes to feel small or diminished or ignored by a spouse or by anyone for that matter. You will find that once you feel heard and respected you will be able to release your feelings of upset and shepherd in feelings of relief. You can let it go.
    • If you try to let something go and it continues to eat at you, then you likely need to process more feelings about the situation. This may include additional chats with your spouse, or going for a hike to physically work out your emotions.
    • It can be upsetting if someone tells you to “just let it go” if you haven’t reached a level of resolve about the matter. Take a deep breath and say, “I’m working on letting it go, but I’m not there yet.”
    • Once you settle into a feeling of balanced perspective, you will see that some things are worth getting upset about, and some are not.
  6. Plenty of people decide to renew their wedding or commitment vows for various reasons. This may be a wonderful opportunity to ceremonially show each other that you have not lost interest in your relationship and you are still in love.
    • Making it through tough times together can result in a deeper desire for commitment.
    • Your spouse may realize the pain he has been causing and might feel guilty. He may want to show you that he is sorry for what he has put you through. Let him.
    7. Advertisement
Method 4
Method 4 of 4:

Seeking Help

PDF download Download Article
  1. Happiness is an inside job and you are responsible to create it. You know what makes you happy, so participate in activities outside your relationship that will build a reservoir of positive feelings. It is easier to face negative and difficult people if you are filled with good vibes. A happier you will always make any relationship better. [18]
  2. Dealing with people who are always negative can be very tiring and stressful. Making a change takes time so you will need support and encouragement to face the struggles. Find a friend or person you trust and who can be a source of encouragement.
    • Remember, negative people drain us of our energy so it needs to be replenished. Activities such as exercise, dancing, yoga and golf are only a few ways to recharge your batteries. [19]
  3. Stay away from friends and other family members who are negative and non-supportive. These people are best left to themselves. Do not allow them to influence your relationship with your spouse.
    • If being positive was easy, everyone would be doing it. There is a lot of dissatisfaction in the world and many people like to express it without permission. You don’t have to listen to it.
  4. If you feel you cannot manage the situation, there are professional counselors, therapists, and mediators who can help. [20] You are human and there are times when you reach the end of your rope and need help. Although it will be difficult, a separation or divorce may be the only answer to your problem.
    • A temporary separation might actually save your relationship. This might provide the right amount of distance that allows you both time to determine the relationship is worth saving. [21]
    • Psychologists and psychiatrists are available in your local area and can be located through the American Psychological Association [22] and the American Psychiatric Association.
    • A mediator will serve as a neutral party and attempt to facilitate a resolution for both of you.
    5. Advertisement

Expert Q&A

Search
Add New Question
  • Question
    How do you communicate with a difficult spouse about something sensitive?
    Michelle Joy, MA, MFT
    Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
    Michelle Joy is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and serves on the Board of Directors for the Couples Institute Counseling Services in the San Francisco Bay Area. With almost 20 years of therapy training and experience, Michelle offers couples therapy intensives, communication workshops, and Marriage Prep101 Workshops. Michelle is also a certified Enneagram teacher, has presented at the 25th annual International Enneagram Conference, and is a graduate of The Developmental Model of Couples Therapy – Advanced Level. She received an MS in Counseling Psychology from Santa Clara University.
    Michelle Joy, MA, MFT
    Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
    Expert Answer
    If you want to start a conversation about a sensitive topic, wait until your husband isn't stressed or distracted so he'll be more likely to have an open mind. Then gently let him know you have something sensitive you want to talk about. Make it clear that you'd like to hear his opinion on it, which will make him feel more valued.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
    Yes No
    Not Helpful 0 Helpful 0
Ask a Question
200 characters left
Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.
Submit
      Advertisement

      Tips

      Show More Tips
      Submit a Tip
      All tip submissions are carefully reviewed before being published
      Name
      Please provide your name and last initial
      Submit
      Thanks for submitting a tip for review!
      Advertisement

      Warnings

      • Anyone who tries to force you to compromise your values is not looking out for your best interests.
        Thanks
        Helpful 47 Not Helpful 7
      • No tactic or strategy is 100% effective when it comes to addressing human behavior.
        Thanks
        Helpful 36 Not Helpful 5
      • Chronic negative behavior may be the sign of a more serious mental issue such as depression, an anxiety disorder or personality disorder.
        Thanks
        Helpful 52 Not Helpful 9
      • If you feel you need professional help you must seek it.
        Thanks
        Helpful 37 Not Helpful 7
      Advertisement

      You Might Also Like

      How to
      Stop Dealing With Someone Else's Lateness
      How to
      Treat a Woman
      How to
      Cope While Living with a Hyper-Critical Person
      13 Ways to Pleasure a Woman
      115+ Heartfelt Sorry Messages & Quotes for a GF
      How to
      Talk Dirty
      How to
      Answer the "What Do You Like About Me" Question (for Men)
      How to
      Tell if Someone Is Losing Interest over Text
      13 Signs Your Friends with Benefits Is Falling For You
      How to
      Make Your Boyfriend Go Crazy over You
      34 Common Relationship Pet Peeves
      How to
      Make a Sagittarius Man Miss You Like Crazy
      How to
      Answer "What Do You Like About Me"
      How to
      Prove You Love Him Other Than Saying "I Love You": 21 Cute Ways
      Advertisement

      Expert Interview

      Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about relationships, check out our in-depth interview with Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC .

      References

      1. ↑ http://www.healthywomen.org/content/article/reduce-stress-journaling
      2. ↑ https://www.researchgate.net/publication/233479300_Get_%27Real%27_Does_Practicing_Speeches_Before_an_Audience_Improve_Performance
      3. ↑ https://hbr.org/2010/10/difficult-conversations-9-common-mistakes
      4. ↑ Michelle Joy, MA, MFT. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 26 June 2020.
      5. ↑ Michelle Joy, MA, MFT. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 26 June 2020.
      6. ↑ http://ro.uow.edu.au/commpapers/2475/
      7. ↑ https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1002/j.2168-9830.1997.tb00270.x
      8. ↑ http://ispub.com/IJMH/7/1/9829
      9. ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 20 March 2024.
      1. ↑ https://mediate.com/a-study-in-mediation-styles-a-comparative-analysis-of-evaluative-and-transformative-styles/
      2. ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 20 March 2024.
      3. ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 20 March 2024.
      4. ↑ http://eab.sagepub.com/content/45/1/3.abstract
      5. ↑ https://hbr.org/2012/09/ten-reasons-people-resist-chang
      6. ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 20 March 2024.
      7. ↑ http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2762283/
      8. ↑ http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/172-laughter-is-the-shortest-distance-between-two-people
      9. ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 20 March 2024.
      10. ↑ http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3193654/
      11. ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 20 March 2024.
      12. ↑ https://www.wsj.com/articles/SB10001424053111904140604576496240815891366
      13. ↑ https://locator.apa.org/

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      To deal with a difficult spouse, write down your concerns and practice what you want to say before you talk to them. If you feel there is a problem, include possible solutions to make the conversation more optimistic. Approach the subject on a positive note by telling them you appreciate them and want them to be happy. Then, tell them clearly what is bothering you and what you want. If your spouse responds with negativity, refocus the conversation towards finding a peaceful solution. Try telling them, “I want us to be respectful of each other. I’m willing to do that, are you?” For more tips from our Relationship co-author, like how to get professional help, keep reading!

      Did this summary help you?
      In other languages
      Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 439,213 times.

      Reader Success Stories

      • Anonymous

        Sep 20, 2016

        "I know the difference between acceptance and surrender when it comes to dealing with my husband. I accept that ..." more
      More reader stories Hide reader stories
      Share your story

      Did this article help you?

      Advertisement