How to Handle Manipulation in Friendships

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Expert tips for identifying & coping with a manipulative friend
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Everyone is a little manipulative sometimes, even with their friends—but some people have a habit of using manipulation tactics to try to pressure others into doing what they want. If you suspect your friend is manipulating you, they may not realize they're doing it, but it can still leave you doubting yourself and your relationship with them. Thankfully, there are steps you can take to identify and handle manipulation in your friendship. Keep reading for signs your friend is manipulative, plus expert tips for dealing with a manipulative friend, with insight from clinical psychologist Allison Broennimann, PhD.

How to Cope with a Manipulative Friend

  • Confront your friend about how you feel, and ask for clarity on what they really want.
  • Avoid engaging in head games back. They’re a waste of time.
  • Try not to take your friend’s manipulation tactics personally, and keep your cool.
  • Practice saying “no” without feeling guilty about it.
  • Stick up for yourself. You’ll be easier to manipulate if your confidence is low.
Section 1 of 4:

Signs of a Manipulative Friend

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  1. Manipulators often use criticism as a way to make themselves feel and seem superior. If your friend never has anything good to say about the people around them (including their other friends), they typically won’t hesitate put you down when you’re not around. In some cases, they might even go out of their way to try to make you feel small to your face. [1]
    • Example: Your friend wants you to go shopping with them and you've already said you can't, so they say, "You could really use a new look. Do you never want to be asked out?"
    • Staying friends with a manipulator could mean finding yourself the subject of gossip or rumors. [2]
    • It’s rare that you’ll hear a person with a manipulative personality accept responsibility for their own faults. In their minds, they can do no wrong. They may even try to spin a fault to make it look like a good thing just to save face. [3]
      • Example: They fail a test you aced because they didn't study, and they tell you that only mindless drones do well on standardized tests to make you feel like what you've done wasn't an accomplishment.
  2. Manipulative people like to be in control of social situations, and they may go out of their way to host events at their house and control the event’s activities, or insist on doing things they’re familiar with so that they never lose control or lose face in front of you.
    • Example: You go on vacation with your friend. There are sights you want to see, but your friend insists you do what they want to do instead and makes an itinerary for you both.
    • They may also try to push you out of your comfort zone in an attempt to make you feel more reliant on them, thus putting them in charge by default. They may attempt to take charge of your schedule, money, or social life in order to make you feel more helpless and dependent. [4]
      • Example : You're considering buying a new phone. Your friend insists that you don't know what you're looking for and are going to waste your money, and that you should buy the same phone they have instead, even though it costs more than you're prepared to spend.
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  3. A lot of people try to avoid confrontation when they can, but manipulative people really don’t like it. They may employ passive-aggressive behavior to get you to do what they want instead of telling you how they feel or what they want from you. [5]
    • Example: Instead of telling you you hurt their feelings by forgetting to call them when you said you would, they tell a mutual friend they’re mad at you and wait for the friend to bring it up to you, leaving the onus on you to make amends—because you know they’re waiting for you to.
    • Alternatively, in a healthy friendship, they’d say, “Hey, it bothered me that you didn’t call yesterday. I know you probably just forgot or got busy, but it’s bugging me, so I wanted to bring it up.”
    • Being direct requires taking ownership of their feelings, which requires vulnerability—something manipulative people tend to struggle with, as it may make them feel like they’re losing control.
  4. Manipulative people often don’t like to take responsibility for their mistakes. When you try to employ the tactics of a healthy friend and respectfully confront them about something they’ve done that hurt you, they’ll immediately go on the defense and be resistant to hearing your perspective on the situation. [6]
    • They may even spin things around on you and make it seem like it’s actually your fault, or they may get off the subject by telling you about something you did that hurt them.
      • Example: You confront your friend about them flaking on plans you had, and they say, "I'm not even sure why you felt the need to bring this up. I didn't realize it was such a huge, major deal. Like, you were too busy studying last week to go out with me, but I never brought that up."
    • They may get emotional, either because you’ve accused them of something or because they’re upset to hear they hurt you, and try to make you feel bad for even broaching the subject. Remember, you are not responsible for their feelings. [7]
      • Example: When you tell them how hurt you were that they lied to you, they break down in tears and say, "I really am a horrible friend, aren't I?" leaving you feeling guilty and like the problem wasn't worth bringing up.
  5. Does your conversation keep swinging back around to them, somehow? Manipulative people tend to be a little narcissistic and may try to keep the focus of all conversation on themselves. When the conversation’s about you, they might seem to stop paying attention, instead zoning out or scrolling on their phone, or they’ll interrupt you to change the subject or bring the conversation back around to themselves.
    • Example: You're in the middle of telling a story about a date you went on over the weekend. When you mention the restaurant you went to, your friend says, "Oh, I love that restaurant!" and proceeds to redirect the conversation to a description of her favorite restaurants in town.
  6. Beware of people who are always bringing up past events (like loaning you money or helping you through a difficult time) just to hold them over your head. This is a sure sign of entitlement—they feel like you owe them something, no matter what the circumstances are. [8]
    • Be up front when you suspect you’re being guilted into doing something. It will help your friend see the error of their ways if they’re doing it unconsciously, and let them know that you’re onto them if they’re doing it intentionally.
    • A manipulative friend might try to blame you for something going wrong, even when you had nothing to do with it. If you suspect this to be the case, try not to take it personally.
      • Example: Your friend asks you to help them move during the summer, but you're spending the summer with family out of state and can't help them. When you tell them this, they say, "I helped you move. I can't believe you won't help me."
  7. Think about the times that your friend has really been there for you when you needed them. If you’re having trouble recalling any of these times, it may mean that your friend is a user. [9] One-sided relationships only benefit the manipulator, which is the way they want it.
    • Try asking your friend for a small favor. The lengths they’re willing to go to help you can tell you a lot about how much they value your friendship.
      • Example: You've locked yourself out of your house. Your friend has a spare key, so you call them to ask if you can come grab the key. They tell you no, because they're tired and need alone time. If you try to push it, they say something like, "I need to put my own oxygen mask on before I can help anyone else."
    • Favors you've done for them go unnoticed and unreturned. If you try to bring it up, they may accuse you of viewing your friendship as transactional.
  8. Whatever you’re dealing with, they’ve not only experienced it themselves and are the expert on it—but what they dealt with was so much worse than what you’re going through. This can make you feel frustrated and as if your feelings and experiences aren’t valid or important. It may also make you feel as if your friend’s needs are higher-priority than your own needs. [10]
    • Example: You've had a bad day at work. Instead of trying to cheer you up, your friend tries to one-up you by talking about how their day was worse.
  9. Typically, the feelings they’re projecting are negative ones. If you confront them about something they’ve done, they may try to gaslight you into thinking it’s actually you doing the thing. If you struggle with self-confidence, you may start to believe you’re in the wrong for confronting them in the first place. [11]
    • Example: You tell them you're surprised and hurt because they decided to throw a party on your birthday weekend, when you were planning to do something for your birthday. They tell you it's unreasonable of you to be hurt and make demands on their time, and that they didn't realize you were so sensitive about something as meaningless as birthdays.
  10. Everyone is manipulative sometimes, so if your friend exhibits some of these habits now and again, it might be frustrating, but not a big deal. You yourself probably display a few of the above signs now and then as well! But if your friend exhibits this type of behavior regularly , they might just have a manipulative personality.
    • Look for a pattern of all take and no give in your relationship. This is a good indication that your friend is taking advantage of you whether they realize it or not. [12]
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Section 2 of 4:

Responding to a Manipulative Friend's Behavior

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  1. Don’t give in to their demands—set firm boundaries, Broennimann stresses. [13] Manipulative people rely on you having flexible boundaries, so decide where you need to draw the line with this friend, and firmly communicate any needs to them and tell them if or when they cross the line.
    • Spend some time reflecting on your personal values and limits . What are you OK with? What goes too far? This can help you establish boundaries with your friend. [14]
    • For instance, if they have a habit of pushing you to do something even after you've said no, tell them, "I'm going to walk away from this conversation if you keep trying to pressure me to do this. I've already given you my answer."
    • If they do cross your boundaries, be sure not to yield: follow through with what you've said you'll do. Otherwise, they'll likely think your boundaries are just talk.
    • Practice saying “no” without feeling guilty about it. Once you get used to saying no, you'll shift the balance of power in the relationship back toward the center. [15]
  2. People with manipulative personalities prey on low self-esteem and self-doubt. Speaking up when you feel challenged will send the message that you’re not going to be pushed around. As long as you have confidence, you won’t feel pressured to be something that you’re not. [16]
    • For instance, if you know someone who constantly ridicules your fashion sense to make themselves look better, you could respond by simply saying, “I like the way I dress.”
    • Don’t apologize if you’ve done nothing wrong. People-pleasers tend to over-apologize, even for things that aren’t their fault, because it can be easier to take blame for making a manipulative person unhappy than to let them take responsibility for their own feelings. [17]
    • By going out of your way to accommodate a critical companion, you’ll only be doing their bidding.
    Brene Brown, Author & Professor of Social Work

    Preserve your sense of self, always. "I feel like I belong everywhere I go, no matter where it is or who I’m with, as long as I never betray myself. And the minute I become who you want me to be in order to fit in and make sure people like me is the moment I no longer belong anywhere."

  3. Try not to take your friend's tactics personally. Respond calmly to their backhanded jabs or efforts to influence you. Feeling like you're being manipulated is enough to make anyone upset, but if you allow things to get heated, they'll just blow up into an even bigger issue. By maintaining your poise, you'll be more prepared to handle the situation productively. [18]
    • Making you angry might even be part of their plan, since it affects your ability to reason.
    • Delay a confrontation until you've had time to cool off.
    • If you have a tendency to say “yes” to everything this friend asks of you, make a habit of pausing before committing one way or the other. Wait an hour or a day to reply to their text, or tell them upfront, “I need time to think about this first.” [19]
  4. If you suspect you’re being manipulated, don’t get baited into a pointless charade. Give your friend a chance to clear the air by asking them what they want without mincing words. A good friend will be honest—a scheming one will try to rationalize everything they say in an effort to stay in control. [20]
    • Avoid playing head games. They're a waste of time, and the longer they go on, the more leverage an experienced manipulator will have to get you to do their bidding.
    • “Remember that these tactics to control others are usually unconscious on their part, otherwise they wouldn’t do it,” Broennimann says. “If you notice it, you’ve sort of got the hot potato of awareness, you need to decide what to do with it, if anything at all.” [21]
    • It’s usually a bad sign when someone isn’t willing to reveal their true thoughts or intentions.
  5. Work up the nerve to let them know that their behavior isn’t okay. Be prepared to bring up specific examples and explain how they made you feel. There’s no need for a hostile confrontation, but you should make it clear that you’re not willing to play the fool any longer. Be respectful and nonjudgmental, but be firm.
    • Rather than making potentially offensive statements like "You're a liar," which will likely just cause them to shut down, try something more tactful, like "I think it's unfair that you twist my words when it suits you."
    • “It’s not that we are purposefully manipulative in relationships,” Broennimann says. “These patterns may have worked in their family system and now that you are building a new family system with your friend…they are unconsciously trying to apply the old rules—and it’s not working for you.” [22]
    • Keep in mind that the cycle is likely to continue unless you put your foot down once and for all. [23]
    • If the manipulation is new, pay attention to whether there's “something happening in the relationship…that is making one or both of you anxious,” Broennimann suggests. “Has there been a big change recently, did you just finish school, or a year of classes together? Is one of you moving?” [24]
  6. You might start wondering whether you’re just being sensitive or overreacting, but don’t second guess yourself. Part of their strategy is to make you feel like you’re the one who’s in the wrong. What they’re doing is unfair, and you owe it to yourself not to let it continue. [25]
    • Manipulative people will often try to blame you or diminish your feelings. They might say "You're imagining this" or "Why can't you take a joke?" Try not to let these tactics change your mind. You have a right to assert your boundaries.
    • Making excuses for self-serving friends will only make it harder to tell when they’re using you.
  7. There’s a big difference between taking advice and taking orders. Don’t be afraid to tell meddlesome mates to butt out if they make a habit of interfering in your business. At the end of the day, you’re the only one who can make decisions on your own behalf.
    • A true friend may not always like the other people you hang out with or approve of the guy or girl you’re dating, but they’ll never try to tell you that you shouldn’t see them.
  8. If you’ve alerted your friend that you find their behavior hurtful and they refuse to take responsibility, you may have no other choice than to phase them out of your life. Breaking off a long friendship isn’t easy, but you’ll be better off in the long run. [26] Just make sure it's what you really want before you decide to pull the plug.
    • When angered, your friend might resort to childish or hurtful tactics, like complaining about you to mutual acquaintances or spreading rumors. Ignore them. This is just further proof that they were never really your friend in the first place.
    • Resist the temptation to slander your former friend to others. Be the bigger person and let it go.
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Section 3 of 4:

Effect of Manipulation on Friendships

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  1. If your friend has a habit of trying to manipulate you, you'll probably find yourself constantly on guard around them, which is a poor foundation for a relationship. You may second-guess yourself around them and doubt what they tell you, and you may even wonder if you're really friends. It's likely to cause distance between you both.
    • Some studies also suggest that manipulative people, paradoxically, tend to believe other people are constantly trying to manipulate them . [27] General mistrust of others, including friends, could help to explain why some manipulative people feel the need to be manipulative in the first place.
Section 4 of 4:

Four Stages of Manipulation

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  1. A manipulative person may gravitate towards you based on your social connections, strengths, and weaknesses. Manipulative people often target people who have a lot to offer, but who may not have firm boundaries or know when or how to say "no."
    • Remember that while some manipulative people are conscious of their manipulative tendencies, some are operating subconsciously based on behavioral and relationship patterns they picked up in childhood, as Broennimann says. [28] In other words, your friend may not be intentionally targeting you because they think you're easily manipulated.
  2. The manipulative person will often try to get on your good side quickly through the use of flattery and compliments and by presenting themselves as a caring, loyal friend. You may feel as if you have an instant bond with them.
    • They may project positive or neutral feelings onto you in order to get you to trust them and drag you into a codependent friendship with them, in which you view them as an extension of yourself—or, more likely, view yourself as an extension of them. This makes you easier to control. [29]
      • Example: Your friend tells you, "We're just too strange for the rest of the world! Nobody understands us better than we understand each other." You're flattered, and after hearing this enough, you take it to heart that you're both emotionally reliant on one another. When they don't get what they want, it affects you too.
  3. After gaining your trust, the manipulative person may try to isolate you from other friends and family in order to make you easier to control and to keep other people who care about you from seeing how they treat you. [30]
    • They may isolate you by monopolizing all your time: they're always locking in plans for the weekend early on, calling and texting at all hours, and making you feel guilty or like a bad friend if you don't give them as much attention as they demand.
    • They may also spread rumors about you to other friends to weaken your bonds with others in your support network.
  4. Once you're fairly reliant on the manipulative person, they may try to keep you reliant on them by chipping away at your self-esteem via gaslighting and criticism. You may find yourself unsure of your own thoughts and reality, making it hard for you to leave them . [31]
    • Example: You go to dinner with your friend and accidentally spill a glass of water. People turn to look. Your friend says, "I can't believe you embarrassed me like that. Why did you do that?"
    • Example: You've made plans with your friend, but they keep you waiting for an hour. When they show up, you're upset, and they say, "Why are you being so dramatic? I didn't realize I was on such a tight leash!"
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wikiHow Quiz: Is My Friend Toxic?

Friendships are all about offering support, sharing love, and keeping the good vibes flowing… but lately, your friend doesn’t seem to pass the vibe check. Could the friendship be turning toxic, or is your friendship just going through a rough patch? Take this quiz to find out!
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  • Question
    How do you get an old manipulative friend to stop creating drama in your life?
    Paul Chernyak, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.
    Paul Chernyak, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Expert Answer
    Learn how to set specific boundaries with your friend. If she keeps violating those boundaries, than it may be time to find a different friend.
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    Not Helpful 2 Helpful 17
  • Question
    My friend always tries to prove that I'm wrong and she's right. What do I do?
    Paul Chernyak, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.
    Paul Chernyak, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Expert Answer
    It sounds like she is putting you down to make herself feel superior and to keep up her self-esteem. Be direct with her and mention the behavior that she is displaying that is bothersome to you. She may not even be aware that she is consciously doing it.
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  • Question
    How do you outsmart a manipulative friend?
    Allison Broennimann, PhD
    Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Allison Broennimann is a licensed Clinical Psychologist with a private practice based in the San Francisco Bay Area providing psychotherapy and neuropsychology services. With over a decade of experience, Dr. Broennimann specializes in in-depth psychotherapy to provide solution-focused treatments for anxiety, depression, relationship problems, grief, adjustment problems, traumatic stress, and phase-of-life transitions. And as part of her neuropsychology practice, she integrates depth psychotherapy and cognitive rehabilitation for those recovering after traumatic brain injury. Dr. Broennimann holds a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Santa Cruz, and an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Palo Alto University. She is licensed by the California Board of Psychology and is a member of the American Psychological Association.
    Allison Broennimann, PhD
    Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    It's necessary to set boundaries so you're not being manipulated. Remember, these manipulation tactics are usually unconscious, so consider speaking out. You can even just pause and let there be space around the manipulation.
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      Tips

      • Never doubt yourself because someone else thinks they know better than you.
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      • Be careful about who you choose as friends. Surround yourself with people who celebrate your successes and support you through difficult times without any ulterior motives.
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      Warnings

      • Avoid sharing too many personal details with manipulative friends. They may look for a way to use them against you.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-funny-bone-to-pick/202406/20-signs-of-emotional-manipulation
      2. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-spot-manipulation
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-funny-bone-to-pick/202406/20-signs-of-emotional-manipulation
      4. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-spot-manipulation
      5. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-spot-manipulation
      6. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_handle_a_toxic_relationship
      7. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_handle_a_toxic_relationship
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-funny-bone-to-pick/202406/20-signs-of-emotional-manipulation
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/romantically-attached/202306/unwilling-or-unable-navigating-one-sided-friendships
      1. ↑ https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/unraveling-the-mindset-of-victimhood/
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-funny-bone-to-pick/202406/20-signs-of-emotional-manipulation
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/lifetime-connections/201403/how-handle-manipulators
      4. ↑ Allison Broennimann, PhD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 14 December 2020.
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-funny-bone-to-pick/202406/20-signs-of-emotional-manipulation
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/lifetime-connections/201403/how-handle-manipulators
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-funny-bone-to-pick/202406/20-signs-of-emotional-manipulation
      8. ↑ https://www.jmu.edu/counselingctr/self-help/relationships/people-pleasing.shtml
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-truth-about-exercise-addiction/202405/how-to-communicate-more-effectively-with
      10. ↑ https://www.jmu.edu/counselingctr/self-help/relationships/people-pleasing.shtml
      11. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_handle_a_toxic_relationship
      12. ↑ Allison Broennimann, PhD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 29 January 2021.
      13. ↑ Allison Broennimann, PhD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 29 January 2021.
      14. ↑ https://www.jmu.edu/counselingctr/self-help/relationships/people-pleasing.shtml
      15. ↑ Allison Broennimann, PhD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 29 January 2021.
      16. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_handle_a_toxic_relationship
      17. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-funny-bone-to-pick/202406/20-signs-of-emotional-manipulation
      18. ↑ https://clok.uclan.ac.uk/12508/1/12508_brewer.pdf
      19. ↑ Allison Broennimann, PhD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 29 January 2021.
      20. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/codependent-relationship-signs
      21. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/love-bombing
      22. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/gaslighting

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      If you’re stuck in a friendship with someone who manipulates you with mind games, guilt, and intimidation to get what they want, then try your best to ignore their behavior and to not take it personally. Since manipulators like to feel important, one way to deal with them is to ignore them when they’re being mean. If your friend tries to manipulate you into doing something that goes against your conscious or that you're uncomfortable with, simply tell them "No," or "I'm sorry, I can't." Remember, you don't have to give them an explanation or justify your response. If you decide that you want to confront your friend and tell them that you feel like you're being treated unfairly, expect the skilled manipulator to accuse you of being too sensitive or overreacting. In this case, do your best to stand your ground and remember that you have the right to speak up when you’re being treated poorly. To learn how to keep a level head when dealing with a manipulative friend, keep reading!

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