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You can’t choose your family, but you may wish you could if you’re burdened with a terrible mother. Luckily, unlike when you were a child, you have more of a say in the relationship you have with your mother as an adult. Start by setting appropriate boundaries with your mom. Then, work to heal from any unresolved issues having a difficult mom may have caused. Finally, be sure to lean on other people in your life for much-needed empathy and support.
Steps
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Recognize and avoid her triggers. Years of coping with a terrible mother may have already educated you on the do’s and don’ts of dealing with her. However, identifying and learning to side-step your mom’s triggers can help improve your interactions with her.
- For example, if your mom constantly berates you about your career choice, you might choose to avoid that subject whenever you’re around her.
- Having to shut off parts of your life from conversation doesn’t feel great and it’s certainly unfair, but it may be the only way to get through interactions with your mom. [1] X Research source
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Choose a tolerable level and method of contact. Maintaining a relationship with your mom may require some clever coping on your part. Think about how often and which ways you can stand to deal with her and modify your contact accordingly.
- For example, you might only talk to her on certain days—like weekends—when you’re not already stressed from other aspects of life. Or, you might limit in-person visits and stay in contact through telephone or Skype.
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Verbalize how her actions affect you. Sometimes, parents just don’t know how their behavior makes their kids feel and not even be aware of her actions. Explain to your mom exactly what she does that upsets or frustrates you. Simply making her aware of these things can be very useful. [2] X Research source
- You might say something like, “Mom, it hurts me when you criticize my husband. It seems like you go out of your way to search for his bad qualities.”
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Express your boundaries. You’ve isolated which actions of hers affect you. Now, it’s time to set some clear boundaries to decrease those actions. When setting your boundaries, include what she does and what you will start doing if the behavior continues.
- For instance, you might say, “I need you to stop bad-mouthing Michael. If you don’t, I will stop sharing any information about my personal life with you.”
- You might spend some time writing down your boundaries and possible consequences before sharing them with your mom. [3] X Research source
- Maybe you are having trouble deciding how to set boundaries if you have never thought about this before. Take some time to learn about setting boundaries .
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Follow through with consequences. The tricky thing about setting boundaries is that they are only effective if you follow through. Whatever you told your mom you would do, you must be willing to do it, if necessary.
- In other words, if you told her you would stop letting her see your kids or stop visiting as often, you will have to actually do that.
- Don’t negotiate with your mother or allow her to guilt-trip you into changing your boundaries. Stand firm. If she acts out in anger, don’t respond. [4] X Research source
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See a therapist . If you need emotional support or require assistance learning how to set healthy boundaries, a therapist can help. Your therapist can help you work through your feelings and build healthier ways of relating to your mom and others. [5] X Research source
- For instance, your therapist may work with you to develop conflict resolution skills and learn how to confidently ask for support from others in your life.
- If, for whatever reason, a therapist is not a viable option, you might want to check out a self-help book from a local library about dialectical behavior therapy. This type of therapy teaches skills for mindfulness, emotion regulation, distress tolerance and interpersonal effectiveness (boundary setting). [6] X Research source
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Perform self-care regularly. Dealing with a toxic mom can be challenging. Your mother’s personality and behaviors may leave you feeling unloved or misunderstood. Nurture your emotional health by creating a self-care practice of pleasant activities that you do just for you.
- For example, you might start walking on a nearby nature trail each morning just to clear your mind. You might also take luxurious baths with oils or scented candles or cuddle up by the fireplace with a cup of tea and a good book.
- Self-care can be any activity or practice that allows you to nourish yourself. [7] X Research source
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Decide if it’s healthier to cut ties with her. Although it may be difficult to consider, you might spend some time pondering if it’s best to maintain a relationship with your mom. A toxic parent can have a major impact on your mental health and well-being. If her behavior doesn’t improve and she doesn’t respect your boundaries, you may have to make the hard choice to get some distance. [8] X Research source
- Don’t make this decision lightly. Give yourself some time to reflect on what it would be like to not have a relationship with your mom. Write your thoughts down in a journal. Seek the advice of your therapist or closest friends.
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Consider the lessons you’ve learned. It may seem impossible for anything good to come out of a bad relationship with your mom. But, you can learn to use the experience to your advantage. [9] X Research source
- For example, maybe your mother’s desire to control your life caused you to fight for what you really wanted. As a result, you are less likely to allow a lover or a friend to control your life as well. You are willing to stand up for what you believe in.
- Think about all the qualities and habits you have developed from learning to manage your mom. Then, use these to create a new, more positive story for yourself. At the same time, try to be aware of avoiding the mistakes your mother made when parenting your own children.
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Change your self-talk. If you’ve matured into an adult with a terrible mother, you may have created a negative narrative about your life and your abilities. Saying things like “I don’t deserve to be happy” or “No one will ever love me” may feel true. However, these negative statements won’t make you feel better. Work to revise your self-talk into more positive statements. [10] X Research source
- For many people, it is better to start off with neutral self-talk if you deal with a lot of negative self-talk. Studies have shown that it's more effective to first go neutral before going positive since it is easier to make the switch to neutral talk than all the way from negative to positive.
- For example, you might have negative thoughts enter your mind whenever someone compliments your appearance like, "I know that's not true, I know I'm ugly." A more neutral way to rephrase this might be, "I may have a hard time believing it, but if someone is going out of their way to compliment me, they probably aren't lying."
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Modify your own parenting style. Having a difficult mother may make you feel ineffective as a parent yourself. Working with a family therapist can help you overcome any negative relational patterns that you picked up from your mom and build healthy relationships with your own kids. [11] X Research source
- In addition, you might want to check-in with your partner or co-parent and with your kids often to make sure those habits haven't rubbed off.
- Develop an open and honest relationship with your kids and encourage them to come to you if they need to discuss how you parent. Also, encourage them to develop a relationship with your mother, but set realistic expectations so they are not disappointed when she can't deliver.
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Strengthen relationships with your father and siblings, if you have them. You can counteract the negative side effects of having a toxic mom by building other positive relationships. Start with your immediate family. If you have siblings or a father, try to strengthen your bond with them. [12] X Research source
- Talk to them about what’s going on with your mother. Ask them if they feel similarly and how they deal with such treatment.
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Cultivate supportive friendships. A positive support group is essential when you are lacking proper support from your mother. You might be tempted to isolate and push others away, but don’t. Lean on your closest pals by talking about what you’re feeling or asking them to help you take your mind off things. Eventually, your friends can become a second family to you.
- Positive social support can help counteract some of the negative effects of having a toxic parent. [13] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
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Find a role model. Another way to counteract some of the stress of having a terrible mom is by looking to another adult for guidance. Think about figures in your community who display some of the traits you don’t get from your mom. Form a casual relationship with these individuals or ask them if they are willing to mentor you. [14] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
- Examples of good role models might be teachers, coaches, community leaders, bosses, or older relatives.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow do you deal with a toxic mother as an adult?Dr. Adam Dorsay is a licensed psychologist in private practice in San Jose, CA, and the co-creator of Project Reciprocity, an international program at Facebook's Headquarters, and a consultant with Digital Ocean’s Safety Team. He specializes in assisting high-achieving adults with relationship issues, stress reduction, anxiety, and attaining more happiness in their lives. In 2016 he gave a well-watched TEDx talk about men and emotions. Dr. Dorsay has a M.A. in Counseling from Santa Clara University and received his doctorate in Clinical Psychology in 2008.One of the things toxic people can do is make you feel powerless. The important thing is to restore your voice and rightful power in the relationship. Your job is to define the relationship on your own terms and not merely accept what you perceive to be their definition of the relationship.
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QuestionHow can I deal with my mom when she makes me angry and I have to spend time with her? My parents are divorced and I dread being with her even though I talked with my family therapist about this.Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.Try to write down what specifically makes you angry about her so that it's clear. This will help you to avoid engaging in or talking about the things that trigger both you and her. You may also consider being direct about the behaviors that bother you and let her know about them.
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References
- ↑ https://blogs.psychcentral.com/knotted/2016/01/5-steps-to-setting-boundaries-with-your-mother/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/tips-on-setting-boundaries-in-enmeshed-relationships/
- ↑ https://blogs.psychcentral.com/knotted/2016/01/5-steps-to-setting-boundaries-with-your-mother/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/prescriptions-life/201304/if-you-set-boundary-expect-deal-anger
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/tips-on-setting-boundaries-in-enmeshed-relationships/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/an-overview-of-dialectical-behavior-therapy/
- ↑ https://tinybuddha.com/blog/45-simple-self-care-practices-for-a-healthy-mind-body-and-soul/
- ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/20/health/20mind.html
- ↑ http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2155524/How-repair-toxic-legacy-bad-mother.html
- ↑ http://www.heysigmund.com/toxic-parent/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201211/are-you-parenting-your-parent
- ↑ http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/08/living-with-toxic-parents/
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3150158/
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2752426/
About This Article
Article Summary
X
Having a terrible mother as an adult can be challenging, but by setting clear boundaries and staying objective, things should be a bit easier. It’s important to set boundaries for what you’ll tolerate from your mother so you don’t let her push you around. For example, don’t let her tell you how to parent your kids or yell at you. Once you’ve decided on your boundaries, calmly communicate them to your mom. If she oversteps your boundaries, change the subject or walk away from the situation. If you always end up arguing with your mother, it might be best to limit contact with her. For instance, you might only phone her once a week or see her on special occasions. Remember that you don’t need your mom’s validation to be happy, especially if she doesn’t respect you. For more tips from our co-author, including how to calm down when your mother frustrates you, read on.
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Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 444,929 times.
Reader Success Stories
- "I appreciate how thorough this article is. My brothers deny my experiences because my mother dotes on them (& mistreats me & another daughter). My sister deals with Mom's abuse differently than I do & she is a very unhappy woman, so I pretty much stand alone in saying that I am being treated to emotional and verbal abuse by our mother. But for many years I stood alone in saying that our father was an alcoholic who physically abused us & now everyone takes it for granted." ..." more
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"I appreciate how thorough this article is. My brothers deny my experiences because my mother dotes on them (& mistreats me & another daughter). My sister deals with Mom's abuse differently than I do & she is a very unhappy woman, so I pretty much stand alone in saying that I am being treated to emotional and verbal abuse by our mother. But for many years I stood alone in saying that our father was an alcoholic who physically abused us & now everyone takes it for granted."
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"This made me feel more confident in standing up to my mother. At one point, I was practically handcuffed to her. I am sixteen and have my own car and an apartment with my eighteen-year-old friend, but I still have a babysitter if I am alone with my three other siblings. By the way, did I mention the youngest is twelve? Mother is finally starting to back off a little. Thanks, wikiHow!"
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"I have been struggling with depression all my life without accepting the true fact: that my mum is simply evil! Though I did all the right things, the guilt never went away. Thank you, this article is proof my actions were right."
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"I've used many of the ideas in this article over the years and they have been very helpful. I think it's definitely a good starting point. Good luck, there is hope once you protect yourself from her emotional influence!"
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"I think this was excellent. It really helped to analyze my mother, the response to her, and the toxic relationship I have. Then it gave good advice to find triggers and avoid them all together. "
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