Dating a Bad Texter? Here’s How to Improve Your Communication

PDF download Download Article
Dating coaches reveal how to text when you’re newly dating
PDF download Download Article

Do you wish your partner would answer your texts faster or spend more time crafting engaging responses? Even though you can't expect long or immediate replies every time, there are still many ways you can improve your communication with one another. In this article, we’ll explain what you can do to change things and get your partner to open up more with expert tips from professional dating coaches. You’ll also find out how much you should be texting based on how long you’ve been dating, as well as answers to your other burning questions about bad texters.

Top Ways to Deal With Dating a Bad Texter

  1. Call them when you need a quick reply or if something’s urgent.
  2. Give them some time to respond, especially if they’re busy.
  3. Send fewer texts so they don’t feel overwhelmed.
  4. Save texting for casual conversations that aren’t urgent.
  5. Tell them how much texting you need to feel secure in your relationship.
  6. Spend more time together in person to gauge if they’re still interested.
  7. Stop texting them if they never put in any effort.
Section 1 of 4:

Ways to Deal With Dating a Bad Texter

PDF download Download Article
  1. You can share information a lot quicker over the phone. Rather than waiting for your partner to message you back, dial them up if you know they aren’t busy. [1] Dating Coach Julianne Cantarella notes to make it a point to call them more often since they may prefer hearing your voice instead of reading texts that could sound impersonal. [2]
    • If you’re not sure if your partner is available, try shooting them a text like, “Hey! I’ve got a quick question—do you have time for a phone call?” That way, they can easily respond to let you know if they’re free.
  2. The person could truly be busy or caught up with something else. Your partner might not be able to have their phone on them all the time, so be patient while you wait for their response. If they’re at work, with friends and family, or doing another activity, they may just be a bit distracted. Try your best not to jump to any conclusions about why they’re taking so long since it could make you upset for no reason.
    • If you’ve waited multiple days for a reply and you still haven’t heard back, it may be a sign that the person has lost interest .
    • To distract yourself while you wait, put your phone down and try getting some exercise, cooking, taking a walk, or doing your favorite hobby so you aren’t tempted to keep checking for a reply. [3]
    Advertisement
  3. The person might feel overwhelmed if you’re talking to them a lot, especially if you’ve just started dating (or aren’t quite sure where you’re at yet). It’s completely OK to send 1 or 2 messages back-to-back before your partner replies. However, it might be pretty tough for them to catch up and respond to a wall of texts. If you normally send multiple texts, try saving a few of the topics for when you’re chatting on the phone or hanging out together.
    • If you’re in a new relationship, you can try testing your partner by only messaging them once a day. This gives them the chance to step up their game and text you more often.
  4. Try to avoid assuming your partner is playing games or is upset with you. It can be easy to accidentally assume that someone doesn’t care if they only send short messages. Ask the person how they feel about a topic if you think there’s something wrong so your partner has a chance to fully explain themselves. [4]
    • For example, if you say that you want to go to a movie and your partner replies, “Okay,” you may follow up by asking something like, “How do you feel about the movie?” or “I’m open to suggestions! What do you want to see?”
  5. Wait until you’re both free so you can chat without distractions. If your partner is pretty busy, ask when they’re available during the day to message you. Set aside a window of time when you’re both able to message back and forth and plan to have your conversations then. That way, you know when to expect messages from them so you’re not worrying about it during the day. [5]
    • Keep your partner’s schedule in mind so you don’t text them when they’re busy with other things.
  6. Serious topics are better discussed over the phone or face-to-face. Keep your text conversations laid back so you’re not putting too much pressure on your partner to respond . [6] When you have something really important to talk about, try asking when they’re available to talk on the phone or get together in person since it will help your bond grow faster, suggests Cantarella. [7]
    • For example, you can use texting to ask about each other’s days or make plans, but you should call or meet up if you want to talk about any relationship issues.
    • You could even move to a different messaging platform, such as Messenger or Twitter DMs, for more casual conversations. That way, when you send a text, the person knows that it’s important.
  7. Keep the conversation fresh with new topics. If you always ask the same questions or talk about the same thing, the other person might just need something more engaging. Try asking them open-ended questions that start with “How,” “What,” or “Why” to get them talking. Tailoring your messages to them better might encourage them to respond more often. [8]
    • For example, you could ask something like, “You’re a huge movie buff, right? What are some new movies I should check out?”
    • As another example, you could end your message on a cliffhanger like, “OMG, the craziest thing just happened at work.”
    • Dating coach John Keegan mentions how some great ways to engage via text include sending something flirtatious , light, and playful, or that reconnects to a previous conversation you both had. [9]
  8. Set your expectations so the person understands what you need. Find a time when you can talk to your partner face-to-face or over the phone so you’re not waiting for replies. Mention how their texts make you feel when you read them. Give them advice on how to write their messages going forward so they know what you prefer. [10]
    • For example, you might say something like, “I feel like I’m not respected when I write sincere messages and get one-word answers back. I’d appreciate it if you would say a little bit more about how you’re feeling so I don’t think you’re upset.”
  9. Agree to make compromises about texting. Agree on some texting rules that work for both of you. It might be a little tough to satisfy everything you and the other person want, so you may need to make a few sacrifices. Work together and talk about what works best for your schedules and how you want to communicate so you both feel heard. [11]
    • Be reasonable with any compromise you come up with. For example, you can’t expect someone to reply as soon as they receive your message, but you could ask them to check their messages every few hours so they don’t miss anything.
  10. They might feel more comfortable talking face-to-face instead of texting. You can learn a lot more about your partner when you’re hanging out with each other than over text. Rather than texting an entire conversation, ask them when they’re able to get together with you. Cantarella suggests that, since physical chemistry is a lot more important than how you communicate in your messages, you’ll feel a lot deeper of a connection. “Once you eliminate texting from your main form of communication, you get to the face to face, and that's when you can see if someone's right for dating.” [12]
  11. If your partner talks openly when you’re together, your relationship is solid. Some people aren’t into having conversations over text since they feel a little impersonal. If your partner opens up, has fun, and acts invested in your relationship when you’re on the phone or spending time together, then try not to worry so much about how often you text. [13]
    • If the person still feels closed off when you’re on the phone or in person, then it could mean they aren’t feeling as invested.
  12. Stop texting them if they don’t put in any effort. A total lack of communication is a big red flag in relationships. When you’re dating someone, you both should feel comfortable opening up and holding a conversation. If the person takes multiple days to reply to texts and closes themselves off when you’re together in person, they might not take the relationship seriously. [14]
    • Even if you’ve only been seeing each other for a short time, show the person respect by telling them why you want to end things rather than ghosting them.
    13. Advertisement
Section 2 of 4:

How Often to Text Someone You’re Newly Dating

PDF download Download Article
  1. 1
    Texting before a first date After the initial text or message that sets up the date (usually 2-3 days before), try to wait to text them on the day of the date to confirm. If either of you texts too much before your first date, you may create a false sense of intimacy that doesn’t translate to how you feel in person.
    • Of course, if the chemistry is great and they text you in the days before the date, feel free to reply! There are no hard-and-fast rules when it comes to texting.
  2. 2
    Texting after a first date It’s good etiquette to text the other person after a first date to show interest in planning a second date. Don’t worry about appearing overly eager, but keep it to a single text. If the other person doesn’t text back, they’re probably not interested in a second date.
    EXPERT TIP

    John Keegan

    Dating Coach
    John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
    John Keegan
    Dating Coach

    Don’t waste too much time texting someone you just started dating. When you're in the early stages, and it's still not clear, keep it simple. If they're not engaging, it means it's time to move on and just go do something else. Don't hang your hat on one person who's not showing up.

  3. 3
    Texting between dates 1 and 3 If you’re still in the early stages of dating and only on dates 2 or 3, give them no more than 3 days to respond to your text. If they only text you once a week at most, they’re likely not that focused on dating you. Dating coach Kristina Mirgorodskaya suggests that “if you’ve already gone on a few dates, 2-3 times a week is a steady texting tempo. It’s enough to stay on their radar but also infrequent enough to give the other person space.” [15]
  4. 4
    Texting after the fourth date Once you’ve moved beyond the first 3 dates and are comfortable with each other, you should expect a reply in 1-2 days on average. Whether you’re mainly planning other dates or getting to know each other better, regular texting (without over-texting) can support a healthy dating relationship. [16]
    • Remember that every budding relationship is different and there’s no “correct” amount of texts to send. Follow what feels right—as long as both of your needs are met, then you’re texting the right amount!
    5. Advertisement
Section 3 of 4:

Are they a bad texter or uninterested?

PDF download Download Article
  1. They may be uninterested if they show a total lack of effort when texting. They’re either slow to respond or don’t respond at all. They rarely initiate a conversation and give short, unenthusiastic answers that show little emotion. They don’t ask any questions about you or offer much or any information about themselves. [17]
    • If you feel like they just can’t be bothered and aren’t responsive in other ways, like calling or meeting up in person, they’re likely not interested anymore.
    • On the other hand, someone may just be a bad texter if they gush over you in person, make an effort to spend quality time together, and show a genuine interest in you and your life when you communicate in other ways.
Section 4 of 4:

Dating a Bad Texter: FAQs

PDF download Download Article
  1. 1
    Is a bad texter or dry texter a red flag? If someone is a bad texter who is slow to respond or a dry texter who responds with minimal effort, it’s only a red flag under certain circumstances. Consider their work/life schedule or whether they’re very distracted throughout the day. Think about their communication style, and let their actions speak louder than words. If their texting efforts are linked with a lack of interest or feeling, maybe it’s time to move on. [18]
  2. 2
    Is bad texting a turn-off? Bad texting being a turn-off all depends on how it makes you feel. If they’re someone who values phone conversations and being with their partner face-to-face, it may not be a negative thing. If you put a lot of meaning and effort into texting and tend to feel a sense of rejection about bad texters, it could be time to have a conversation (in person). [19]
  3. 3
    Why is he bad at texting but good in person? Many people prefer in-person interactions and are better when engaging in conversation than writing messages to others. They may feel more comfortable being with you face-to-face or have a hard time expressing themselves in text. That being said, if you’re experiencing a bad texter, try to get them to open up about their issues with texting. You’ll likely find out if they just prefer in-person interactions or lack interest. [20]
    4. Advertisement

Expert Q&A

Ask a Question
200 characters left
Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.
Submit
      Advertisement

      Video

      Tips

      • If you’re feeling anxious waiting for texts from someone, take a short break from your devices and do something else so you don’t stress yourself out. [21]
        Thanks
        Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0
      • Give your partner some credit when they do reach out to you if they eventually have a thoughtful response. Even if they aren’t able to reply to your messages right away, they’ve still put effort into their response.
        Thanks
        Helpful 2 Not Helpful 0
      Submit a Tip
      All tip submissions are carefully reviewed before being published
      Name
      Please provide your name and last initial
      Submit
      Thanks for submitting a tip for review!
      Advertisement

      You Might Also Like

      50+ Fun & Spontaneous Last-Minute Date Activities
      How to
      Plan a Date
      How to
      Watch a Movie at Home with Your Girlfriend (Teens)
      15 Unique Ideas for a Romantic Date Night at Home
      How to
      Plan a Romantic Picnic
      How to
      Tell if a Taiwanese Girl Likes You
      21 First Date Tips for Men
      17+ Fun & Easy Late Night Date Ideas
      Fun and Freaky Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend
      25 Exciting Things to Do With Your Boyfriend
      Looking for a Fun Couple’s Challenge? These Are Some of the Best
      70 Ideas for Summer Dates Your Partner Will Adore
      50+ Cute, Romantic & Easy At-Home Date Ideas to Do with Your Boyfriend
      Sweet & Spicy Truth or Dare Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend
      Advertisement

      References

      1. ↑ https://sundial.csun.edu/108831/arts-entertainment/how-texting-can-affect-relationships/
      2. ↑ Julianne Cantarella. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 6 August 2021.
      3. ↑ https://www.vogue.com/article/is-it-just-me-or-has-texting-become-harder-during-the-pandemic
      4. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/six_tips_for_reading_emotions_in_text_messages
      5. ↑ https://www.nbcnews.com/think/opinion/texting-really-ruining-personal-relationships-ncna1097461
      6. ↑ https://sundial.csun.edu/108831/arts-entertainment/how-texting-can-affect-relationships/
      7. ↑ Julianne Cantarella. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 6 August 2021.
      8. ↑ https://www.nbcnews.com/better/lifestyle/how-have-better-conversations-people-you-ve-just-met-according-ncna1005941
      9. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 19 August 2021.
      1. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/texting-dos-and-donts-in-relationships/
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/counseling-keys/201603/the-7-rules-for-texting-in-relationships
      3. ↑ Julianne Cantarella. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 6 August 2021.
      4. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/tips-for-finding-lasting-love.htm
      5. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/tips-for-finding-lasting-love.htm
      6. ↑ Kristina Mirgorodskaya. Dating Expert. Expert Interview. 31 May 2022.
      7. ↑ https://intentionally.dating/texting-early-dating/
      8. ↑ https://www.simplypsychology.org/bad-texter-or-just-not-interested.html
      9. ↑ https://medium.com/love-and-other-things/im-bad-at-texting-is-it-legit-or-a-red-flag-b4666ec68a3f
      10. ↑ https://www.vogue.com/article/dry-texting-short-messages-interest
      11. ↑ https://www.simplypsychology.org/bad-texter-or-just-not-interested.html
      12. ↑ https://www.vogue.com/article/is-it-just-me-or-has-texting-become-harder-during-the-pandemic

      About This Article

      Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 121,866 times.

      Did this article help you?

      Advertisement