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A guide to communicating & setting boundaries with roommates
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Are your loud college roommates keeping you up at night? Bothering you while you're studying? Taking up all the available space with loud phone conversations? While it may seem like a challenge asking your roommate to pipe down, it's something you'll need to tackle to restore some peace and sanity to your living arrangements.
Things You Should Know
- Politely ask your roommates to quiet down. Explain why you need them to be quiet using “I” statements.
- Create house rules with your roommates. For instance, set aside certain times for having friends over and studying quietly.
- Block out your noisy roommates by wearing earplugs or noise-canceling headphones. Or, find other places to work and study, like the library.
Steps
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Ask directly. When it gets too loud for you in the room, ask for exactly what you want. Assume that your roommate has no idea he is bothering you. Say "hey, could you put on headphones? I'm reading," or "I'm going to sleep now—can you take your phone call outside?" [1] X Trustworthy Source Official UK government website Official website for the public sector of the UK government Go to source- If your roommate rolls his eyes or makes a sarcastic comment but complies, just let it go.
- If your roommate does not comply, you can go on to explain what bothers you and why it's important. First, though, give him a chance to show he understands.
- Ask directly instead of leaving a note or dropping hints. Your year together will be easier if you can both feel safe talking about your differences.
- Don't tell everyone else how annoyed you are first. Word travels fast in a dorm: unless it gets really, really bad, keep it between you and your roommate.
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Explain what bothers you and what you need. Your roommate probably doesn't know he is noisy: noisy people don't usually know they are. Explain what is bothering you, and what you need from your roommate. Use "I" statements: rather than accusing your roommate of being noisy, say how it affects you.- "If I'm afraid I'll get woken up, I have trouble falling asleep. I really need to know that you'll check to see if I'm sleeping before you come in with a bunch of friends."
- If your roommate is surprised at how different your needs are, just shrug and say "that's how I work!"
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Stay calm. Your goal is to communicate your needs without getting into a fight. Be prepared to stay calm if your college roommate reacts badly. Tell your roommate what you need without raising your voice or calling him names. Breathe deeply if you notice yourself getting angry or defensive. [2] X Research source- If your roommate blows you off or says something rude, pause before responding. Think about what you want to say.
- Explain that your need isn't going to change, and that the two of you need to come to some sort of deal.
- Focus on the big picture of solving the problem. Nagging about the little things or making sarcastic remarks could make your room life hostile.
- Even if your roommate is initially unpleasant, you know that he can't fault you for standing up for yourself. He won't respect you if you let him run all over you.
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Keep reminding. Once you have asked for quiet, assume that your roommate will occasionally slip up. Remind him calmly. If he is trying to cooperate but still making noise, thank him and explain that you can still hear him. Say, "Hey, I really appreciate that you put headphones on. I know you like to listen to loud music, and that you're doing this for me. I can still hear the music through your headphones, though—could you turn them down?"- If he really doesn't seem to get it, sit down with him and lay it out more seriously. Explain that you can't live with him, pass your classes, and feel sane if the room is always full of noise.
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Talk to an RA. If your roommate refuses to respect your needs, get outside help. Tell your roommate that you really want to work out a compromise with him, and that ignoring the problem isn't an option. Give him a day or two to agree to talk to you. Then ask the RA to mediate a conversation. [3] X Research source- Your RA will sit down with both of you and help you determine a noise schedule.
- Your RA will explain to your roommate that this sort of arrangement is normal and is expected.
- If your roommate is so noisy the whole hall can hear him, ask a few of the neighboring rooms to also complain to the RA. Don't do this if you are still communicating in a friendly way with your roommate!
- If your RA isn't helpful, talk to someone higher up in the Office of Residence Life.
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Agree on house rules. As soon as you can in the year, set "house rules" with your roommate. Your house rules should determine when it is okay to be noisy, when it isn't, and what constitutes noise. Start by discussing the priorities for both of you: what is most important to accomplish this year? What do you most want out of a dorm room? [4] X Research source- Figure out from there how to protect the things that are the most important to each of you. If they are contradictory, compromise.
- For instance, if it's super important for your roommate to have a social room where people come hang out, but it's important for you to be able to study in the bedroom, pick days of the week or hours of the day for each of you to control the room.
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Set a protocol for communication. Your roommate may be fine with adjusting sound as long as you ask nicely. Ask your roommate how he would like to be reminded when the sound is bothering you. Similarly, you may be fine with certain noisy activities as long as you are asked. Agree on what activities need to be cleared with all members of the room.- It is standard to ask permission before inviting a group into a room, for instance. [5] X Research source
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Schedule your studying. Is studying always the priority in your bedroom? If it is for both of you, then the room should be quiet whenever anyone wants to study. If it is for one of you but not the other, determine quiet hours: the hours in the day that are best for studying, and the hours that can be taken up with sound.- If one of you needs far more hours of study, tends to pull all-nighters, or otherwise has a study routine that is difficult to contain, alternative spaces need to be considered.
- Campuses are full of places to study. Make an agreement that studying at certain hours will take place in a library or other study zone.
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Prioritize sleep. Sleep is always a priority, so make a rule that sleeping people be left undisturbed. That means no unnecessary noise until the person is awake. If you sleep at super different times, you'll have to get used to the noise of your roommate getting dressed, looking for books, etc.- Invest in a desk lamp so that the main lights of your room don't have to be turned on when one person is up at night.
- If one of you needs noise to sleep, agree that that person should wear headphones.
- If your roommate snores, have an open discussion on how you can figure it out, try to suggest that he get a mouth guard or try sleeping on his side.
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Keep calls short or take them outside. Agree on a way to monitor phone calls. You might agree that if a call is short, it can be taken in the room. Another option is that certain hours could be used for phone and skype dates. Another is that the person who wants to talk should be responsible for politely asking the roommate if it's okay to take a call.- If your roommate has a close relative or a significant other who lives far away, he might want to make frequent phone calls in private.
- Compromise by asking him to set a schedule so that you know when to leave him alone in the room.
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Play with your music options. Does your roommate blast music? It is reasonable to ask that that happen only on weeknights or when you are not in the room. Do you both like loud music, but disagree on what music is best? Take turns determining the playlist. Do you need no music in the room while you study? Your roommate should agree to invest in headphones.- You might both agree that music can be played whenever, as long as the person who is playing it asks.
- If your roommate is a musician, you will need to schedule times that he can practice. Remind him that he has other places he can play.
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Block the noise. Try getting earplugs or noise-canceling headphones. Earplugs aren't glamorous, but they can help you study. Wearing them at night can be dangerous, however, as you will be difficult to rouse. Noise-canceling headphones are bad at blocking out irregular noise, such as voices, but they can really block droning sound. If your roommate plays droning music, has noisy equipment, or plays video games with repetitive background noise, a pair of headphones might work. [6] X Research source- Good noise-canceling headphones are expensive, and cheaper models tend not to work. If you can't afford them, skip them.
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Find alternative work spaces. Getting out of the room when your roommate is doing something that irritates you might not feel fair, but if it gets you the quiet space needed to get your studies done, it's worth the effort. Make a plan, so that you quickly know where to go the next time your roommate gets noisy.- Study in the library or the computer lab.
- Visit a friend's room or the student center if you just need to escape.
- See if there is a local cafe with a low level of noise for occasional study visits.
- Get in the habit of working outside of the room. That way, you won't have to worry about noise when you start studying.
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Apply for a room change. If the noisy situation doesn't stop, ask for a room change or "switch" with someone else. It would be better to change rooms than to be kept awake all night through the semester, as this will affect your grades badly.- Ask someone else in your dorm to switch. If you can find another noisy/quiet room pair, they may be happy to switch with you.
- Another alternative may be to ask the offending roommate to leave. Read the rules of your dorm to see what's possible.
- It can be hard to switch mid-semester, but if the situation is serious you can often be accommodated. Speak to someone in Residential Life and explain that you are living in a hostile dorm environment. You offered communication and compromise, and your roommate refused.
- Talk to your RA and visit the Res Life website to see what your options are.
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If you can't get a room change, ask a friend if you could stay with them. This might be a temporary arrangement just to get you through exams or to catch up on lost sleep. It might also give you the space needed to find more permanent lodgings elsewhere.- Ask if any of your friends have an extra bed or a roommate who is never there. If you have a friend who spends a lot of time with a significant other, ask that friend if you could use the room when it's empty.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow do I talk to my roommate about issues?Eze Sanchez is a Life & Relationship Coach and the Founder of Eze Sanchez Coaching in Gainesville, Florida. He's been practicing as a coach since late 2016 and has more than 1,000 hours of collective training and experience in personal development. He specializes in helping people find self-acceptance, self-empathy, and self-love through building accountability and kindness for themselves. Eze has an Associates Degree in Mechanical Engineering from the University of Central Florida, a diploma in Massage Therapy from the Florida School of Massage, and a certificate from the Satvatove Institute School of Transformative Coaching.Try to schedule the conversation ahead of time—it's always best to have potentially challenging conversations at a time when you're both free of distraction. On a similar note, it's not great to talk about major problems in the spur of the moment.
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QuestionHow do you talk to your roommate about snoring?Eze Sanchez is a Life & Relationship Coach and the Founder of Eze Sanchez Coaching in Gainesville, Florida. He's been practicing as a coach since late 2016 and has more than 1,000 hours of collective training and experience in personal development. He specializes in helping people find self-acceptance, self-empathy, and self-love through building accountability and kindness for themselves. Eze has an Associates Degree in Mechanical Engineering from the University of Central Florida, a diploma in Massage Therapy from the Florida School of Massage, and a certificate from the Satvatove Institute School of Transformative Coaching.Approach the conversation with honesty! Say something like "I don't know if you're aware of this, but you sometimes snore when you're sleeping. Are you open to talking about how we can figure something out? I want you to know that I'm not criticizing you in any way—I just really want to find a way that we can both sleep."
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QuestionWhat if my roommate just will not shut up?Thrillhouse1989Community AnswerTry speaking to them politely. If they blow you off or get combative, you might want to involve the RA, who should be able to mediate and deal with your roommate if needed.
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Tips
- If there are disagreements when making the ground rules, consider letting the compromise err on the side of the person actually studying.Thanks
- Some people find masking noises can help. Play repetitive New Age, calming or classical music on your MP3, tablet or computer as a way of "drowning out" the other noise.Thanks
- See if any neighboring dorms are being bothered by the noise. You might be able to get a few others to ask for the noise to be toned down a little.Thanks
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Warnings
- Angry responses may cause the other person to get defensive. Remember that they may not even get that their noise bothers you and even if they do, they might think you're stoic since you haven't yet complained. Explain calmly, above all.Thanks
- Do not cause a fight trying to get the other person to quiet down, deal with it normally.Thanks
- Using earphones to drown out noise can impact your hearing health. Don't turn it up too loudly for prolonged periods. [7] X Research sourceThanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.gov.uk/how-to-resolve-neighbour-disputes
- ↑ https://mhanational.org/how-deal-roommate-problems
- ↑ https://mhanational.org/how-deal-roommate-problems
- ↑ https://www.cnbc.com/2018/09/21/5-ways-to-deal-with-a-bad-roommate-.html
- ↑ http://www.wesleyan.edu/reslife/policies/standards.html
- ↑ https://www.sleepfoundation.org/noise-and-sleep
- ↑ https://healthcare.utah.edu/healthfeed/postings/2017/01/headphones.php
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