How to Deal with a Jealous Insecure Boyfriend

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Dealing with a jealous, insecure boyfriend who needs constant reassurance can be really draining. You might wonder what you can say to finally calm him down. Plus, you may want to know how to keep the peace and save yourself from any stress. We’ve got your best interest in mind, so we’ve created an action plan full of tips for how to handle a partner who’s jealous and insecure. Read on to find ways to comfort him and create a stronger, healthier relationship.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed clinical psychologist, Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Check out the full interview here.

1

Tell him you value and cherish him.

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    If there are any situations that he’s more sensitive about, be sure to make time to ease his fears. [1] Talk about why you find him irreplaceable and how nothing will change that. Also check in when you’ll be gone for a while. Show him he’s appreciated and give him some praise that’s specific like: [2]
    • “Even though my ex reached out, I blocked them. You’re my priority, and I adore you.”
    • “Maybe they flirted with me, but they won’t get anywhere. I only have eyes for you!”
    • “Still camping with the girls! I’m gonna take you out to dinner when I get back! Love you.”
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2

Invite him to hang out with your friends.

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    Boost his ego and talk about how much you’d love him to tag along when you go out. Bring up any special qualities or skills he has that will really help him shine. When you’re around your buddies, sing his praises and treat him to some PDA. He’ll probably enjoy all the approval, and he’ll know you’re proud of him. You can give him compliments like: [3]
    • ”You’re a pro at logic and strategy! I really want you to come to our game night!”
    • “Come to our costume party! You’d make the hottest superhero ever!”
    • “You should bowl with us. It’ll be super chill, and I know you’ll hit it off with everyone.”
3

Reassure him with loving texts.

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    Stay consistent so he knows when to expect a response. [4] For example, you can text him a few times a week, or you can check in every night. When he really struggles, reassure him with a longer note. He’ll feel a lot more calm, so he won’t feel like he needs to reach out all the time. Your texts might look something like: [5]
    • “Just got off of work! Long day. 🥱 How’re you, babe?”
    • “Boo! What’ve you been up to? Spill! 🥛”
    • “I’m sorry to hear that you’ve felt so down on yourself. It sounds like you get really stressed when you have a lot of projects to work on. Just know that you’re amazing, and you can take on anything! I’ll always believe in you. ❤️”
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4

Surprise him with cute gifts.

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    Spoil him on the typical romantic holidays like Valentine’s Day, but mix it up and get him some “just-because” goodies, too. You don’t have to break the bank—just show him you know his personality and style really well because you adore him. Every time he looks at your gift, he’ll feel treasured. Grab his attention and say something like: [6]
    • “I got you this kit to make your own hot sauces! It’s in honor of our first date! Remember everything was so spicy I cried, but you had the time of your life?”
    • “Got your chihuahua this little sweater because you said he’s always cold!”
    • “Picked up this sci-fi trilogy for you! It seemed right up your alley.”
5

Remind him that you’re on his side.

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    Explain that it’s normal for worries to come up. Even when you’ve both put in a lot of effort and focused on how to build his confidence, he’s only human. Reassure him that as long as you both respect each other, you’ll be okay. You can tell him something like: [7]
    • “It’s okay to have off days. I’m always here for you.”
    • “I’ve got you. We’ll work through this.”
    • “We’ve come so far together. We have a bright future ahead of us.”
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6

Identify the boundaries in your relationship.

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    Since every relationship is different, just focus on what the two of you have expressed. [8] When you’re both calm, sit down and have a casual chat. Touch base on what’s okay in your dynamic and what’s off-limits. You’ll both feel a lot safer and more respected when each of your needs are addressed. You can bring up both your standards and say something like: [9]
    • “What I’m hearing is that we both want to be exclusive. I don’t want to date anyone else—I just want the space to hang out with my friends.”
    • “I understand that sending a ‘heart’ emoji might seem like flirting with you, but I just like to show people I care. I’ll clear things up if anyone gets the wrong impression.”
    • “I’d love to text regularly, but sometimes I need my space. Can we stay in touch every other day?”
7

Ask him directly about what’s bothering him.

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    Invite him to tell you exactly what his fears are. [10] Then, check in and see if he can point out the specific times those concerns came up. Once he’s identified what causes his anxieties, let him explain how he reacts to them. Reassure him that his emotions are valid. You can start off the talk and say something like: [11]
    • “Hey, I want to hear exactly what’s going on. What are you worried about, babe?”
    • “When did this come up for you? Was it when I didn’t call you back?”
    • “How do you feel right now? Are you upset or sad?”
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8

Check in about his past.

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    Ask if he has any bad experiences related to someone else he dated. Invite him to open up about the details so you can look for any patterns. Also discuss how his relatives treated him. He may still be holding onto pain from old romantic or childhood memories. Then, give him a hug and thank him for sharing. [12]
    • If he’s been really hurt or betrayed before, he will find it difficult to trust others.
    • He’ll feel safer if he feels some sense of control. Remind him that he’s taking charge of his life when he learns from his past.
    • If another romantic partner or a relative has abused him, gently reassure him that you aren’t the same person as them. [13]
9

Come up with solutions together.

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    Let him take the lead and express any ways you can support him. [14] Once he’s told you what will give him comfort and security, try to incorporate those things into your relationship. Tell him that you take his needs seriously and that you’re excited to try out your new strategies. Your fixes might sound something like: [15]
    • “I hear that I’ve been out a lot and haven’t put anything on the calendar. I’ll keep Saturdays open for you!”
    • “I recognize that being ‘official’ on social media is important to you. I’ll update my status to ‘in a relationship.’”
    • “I know that some jokes feel hurtful and remind you of your parents. I’ll skip that type of humor from now on.”
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10

Encourage him to enjoy a social life.

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    Tell him that you, your friends, and your family think he’s awesome, then bring up ways he can meet new people. Reassure him that a little bit of space is healthy for a couple and that he should kick back with his buddies. Give him a little nudge and say something like: [16]
    • “Hey, we’ve been inside for a while. Why don’t you see what your friends are up to?”
    • “Don’t your buddies go bowling every Friday? You should catch up with them!”
    • “Didn’t you say you wanted to host a trivia night? You should go for it!”
11

Remain open about what you’re up to.

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    Share your schedule with him and tell him what you’re excited about. Also talk about any details you only reveal to the people closest to you. Stay casual if he quickly looks at any of your devices, too. If he sees that you have nothing to hide, he’ll have fewer doubts. Make a quick and sincere comment like: [17]
    • “All my Wednesdays are booked because of a study group, and on Thursdays, I work night shifts.”
    • “I’ve been really stressed, so I’ve called Katie a lot. She always knows what to say.”
    • “Yeah! My mom texts a ton. I don’t think she realizes people don’t usually send whole paragraphs every day…”
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12

Review info about self-esteem together.

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    [18] When you read up on the negative “inner voice” a lot of other people have, he’ll learn that it stems from something other than your relationship. Write some notes about some ways he can be kinder to himself. Your list might say something like: [19]
    • “My negative ‘inner voice’ sounds like a cranky old man. I’ll name him Terrible Ted and remember not to take anything he says seriously.”
    • “These thoughts will pass. I should distract myself with something fun.”
    • “I have so much to offer my partner and everyone else.”
13

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    Reassure him that he doesn’t have to look “tough” or “perfect” to impress you. Talk about what makes you proud of yourself. [20] Then, point out how you see similar traits in him. Also, discuss uncommon ways people show a lot of inner strength. He’ll be inspired to look at confidence in a new light. You can tell him something like: [21]
    • ”I think it’s really impressive to admit what you still want to work on.”
    • “It takes a lot of strength to be vulnerable and share your fears.”
    • “I always try to be more kind every day. I love that you want that for yourself, too.”
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14

Ask him to prioritize his health.

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    If he still feels frustrated or stressed sometimes, remind him that it’s great to be in touch with his emotions. [22] Tell him that he matters and he should invest himself. Also, bring up that he should get enough sleep and exercise. You can give him more suggestions and say something like: [23]
    • “Have you tried journaling? You can really get all your thoughts out on the page.”
    • “Can I show you some deep breathing and grounding exercises? I think they really help.”
    • “Why don’t you have some days off just for yourself? What would be fun for you?”
15

Try out therapy sessions together.

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    Even if you’ve had a lot of discussions, you might benefit from outside help. [24] Look over the bios of different counselors and talk about whoever feels like the best fit. Book some sessions and go with him. You can unpack your relationship with a fresh perspective and may find new ways to cope with any tension. [25]
    • Aim for at least 3 months of therapy. You’ll learn about more patterns and coping strategies.
    • You can also see your own counselors individually. You may feel you can speak more openly.
    • A therapist can point out that you’re really trying and remind him that you’re committed to the relationship.
    EXPERT TIP

    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

    Marriage & Family Therapist
    Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).
    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
    Marriage & Family Therapist

    Some jealousy is normal, but it shouldn't control your life. Watch for red flags from your boyfriend, like constant suspicion or attempts to limit your activities. Talk to him calmly about the impact of his actions and seek professional help together.

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16

Decide if the relationship is healthy for you.

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    Your wellbeing is really important. Make a list of pros and cons, and look over it. Check in with yourself and see how you’ve been impacted by his insecurities. If he’s made a lot of improvement, great! On the other hand, if you feel drained, stand up for your needs. Tell him you need to talk about your choice. [26] It might sound something like: [27]
    • “I’m in this 100%. You inspire me, and I love seeing all your growth.”
    • “Sometimes, this takes a lot out of me. I feel worried about that.”
    • “I need a change. I have to focus on my own health right now.”

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      References

      1. ↑ Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Relationship Expert. Expert Interview. 29 May 2019.
      2. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4157676/
      3. ↑ https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0229316
      4. ↑ Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Relationship Expert. Expert Interview. 29 May 2019.
      5. ↑ https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0747563216303910
      6. ↑ https://www.drurban.info/uploads/2/4/4/9/24492964/the_role_of_social_power_relations_in_gift_giving_on_valentines_day.pdf
      7. ↑ https://www.eomega.org/article/intimacy-as-teamwork
      8. ↑ Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Relationship Expert. Expert Interview. 29 May 2019.
      9. ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-are-my-boundaries/
      1. ↑ Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Relationship Expert. Expert Interview. 29 May 2019.
      2. ↑ https://hbr.org/2017/05/how-to-have-difficult-conversations-when-you-dont-like-conflict
      3. ↑ https://istss.org/ISTSS_Main/media/Documents/ISTSS_TraumaAndRelationships_FNL.pdf
      4. ↑ Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Relationship Expert. Expert Interview. 29 May 2019.
      5. ↑ Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Relationship Expert. Expert Interview. 29 May 2019.
      6. ↑ https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/1088868319881243
      7. ↑ https://newsinhealth.nih.gov/2018/04/building-social-bonds
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-new-resilience/201208/is-radical-transparency-the-key-relationship-success
      9. ↑ Erika Kaplan. Relationship Advisor. Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.
      10. ↑ https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2019/09/26/764695490/feeling-insecure-6-tips-to-quiet-your-inner-critic
      11. ↑ Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Relationship Expert. Expert Interview. 29 May 2019.
      12. ↑ https://www.usf.edu/student-affairs/counseling-center/top-concerns/what-is-self-confidence.aspx
      13. ↑ Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Relationship Expert. Expert Interview. 29 May 2019.
      14. ↑ https://www.abc.net.au/news/health/2016-04-21/simple-acts-to-ease-anxiety/7345822
      15. ↑ Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Relationship Expert. Expert Interview. 29 May 2019.
      16. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3490822/
      17. ↑ Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Relationship Expert. Expert Interview. 29 May 2019.
      18. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5380380/

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