How to Deal with a Narcissist Boss

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Are you finding it hard to work under a boss who doesn’t respect you? A boss with narcissistic tendencies can make your work environment tough to handle—they might cross your boundaries, take credit for your work, or have random, unexplained mood swings. Keep in mind that while any boss can behave in a narcissistic way, only a mental health professional can diagnose someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). [1] Whatever your situation, there are concrete steps you can take to protect your mental health and make your job that much easier. Read on for a full list of things you can do to deal with your boss’ narcissistic behavior.

1

Set and maintain boundaries.

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  1. If your boss crosses the line, firmly tell them, “That wasn’t okay,” and then walk away. Your boss may try to push your boundaries or berate you for them, so just remember that you’re in the right here. [2]
    • In general, your boundaries should be centered around professionalism. No yelling, no name-calling, and no talking over you.
    • One of the qualities associated with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a lack of empathy, meaning that people with narcissistic traits may struggle to see things from your point of view. You might have to really spell out why something hurt your feelings or why you’re upset.
    • Keep in mind that people with diagnosed NPD aren’t actively choosing not to empathize with you—they typically have a lowered capacity for interpersonal skills as a result of their mental health condition. [3]
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2

Validate your boss’s ego.

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  1. People with narcissistic qualities don’t like it when people challenge them, so the more you two can be on the same page, the better. Let them know when you like an idea, and try not to belittle or blame them, especially in public. [4]
    • It can feel strange to boost their already high ego, but if you want to stay in your boss’s good graces, it’s important to do this occasionally.
    • “I think that will really improve profits this quarter. Good idea.”
    • “I definitely agree with that strategy. Nice one, Mark.”
3

Keep your interactions professional.

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  1. Your boss may try to butter you up and get you to share things about yourself, but they might turn around and throw that in your face later. When you’re at work, focus on your job, and don’t let your boss rope you into any deep discussions about your personal life. [5]
    • Try not to get emotional around your boss, either. It can be tough to hold it together when they’re yelling or being super rude, but the more you can remain stoic and calm, the better.
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4

Make yourself valuable to your boss.

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  1. Remind your boss just how much they need you in the workplace. Try to subtly remind your boss about all the work you do at your job, and casually mention just how tough it would be if you left. [6]
    • “I think I’m the only one in the building who knows how to run this program.”
    • “I can call that client. I’ve been in charge of their account for years.”
    • Your boss might try to make you feel like you’re “less-than,” but don’t fall for it—it’s a common behavior in narcissistic personalities that stems from deep insecurity.
    • Remember that individuals with NPD suffer from extremely low self-esteem. While your boss may seem egocentric or like they have a superiority complex, they likely feel the opposite deep down. [7]
    Brene Brown, Author & Professor of Social Work

    Understand what it means to be a narcissist. "Narcissism is the most shame-based of all the personality disorders. Narcissism is not about self-love at all. It’s about grandiosity driven by high performance and self-hatred. I define narcissism as the shame-based fear of being ordinary."


5

Document everything that happens.

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  1. Get a paper trail of anything you can, and hold onto it for future reference. If you have an in-person conversation with your boss that isn’t recorded, send a follow-up email to your boss detailing everything that was discussed. That way, if they try to deny something later, you have proof. [8]
    • Keep your evidence somewhere else besides your work computer. That way, if your boss gets access to your proof, you have it saved somewhere else.
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6

Correct misinformation.

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  1. It’s common for people who show narcissistic behavior to lie to put others down and make themselves look better, so you may hear your boss throwing you under the bus occasionally (or a lot). When that happens, calmly step in and present the correct information without directly stating that your boss was wrong. [9]
    • “In case anyone was unclear about that late report, I’d like to let you all know that it was a team effort, and we’ve all vowed to get better at time management together.”
    • “I’d like to clarify something that was said at the meeting yesterday. We did lose a client, but not because of a mistake on our part. They left because their business is moving out of state.”
7

Keep negative feelings to yourself.

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  1. You’re probably not the only one suffering underneath your boss, so it may feel tempting to chat about the craziness that happens at work. However, if your boss gets wind of the gossip between you and your coworkers, it could make you look bad. Keep your feelings to yourself until you get home and can vent to someone neutral. [10]
    • Talking badly about your boss behind their back (however justified it may be) also undermines your credibility, which is the last thing you want in this situation.
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8

Talk to your boss one-on-one.

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  1. Sit down with your boss, let them know that their behavior isn’t acceptable, and ask them to change. Use your voice as an employee, and make it clear that you won’t stay at your job unless they switch things up. [11]
    • “I really appreciate how hard you push us to reach our deadlines. However, I don’t find it encouraging when you call us names to get us to work faster. I love my job, and I’d hate to have to find a position somewhere else.”
9

Contact HR.

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  1. Approach your HR team and ask to speak with them about your boss’s behavior. Your HR rep can then call a meeting with the both of you to talk about what needs to change and how you can move forward. [12]
    • Having a third party can be helpful when dealing with a difficult boss or confronting someone with narcissistic traits . It’s nice to have someone around to back you up. If 2 people are telling your boss that their behavior isn’t okay, they might actually listen.
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10

Start looking for a new job if you need to.

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  1. If you’ve tried toughing it out or meeting with your boss one-on-one and nothing has gotten better, it’s time to update your resume. Start looking for a job with a better workplace environment where the boss will treat you with respect, because you deserve it. [13]
    • If you do decide to quit, expect some pushback from your boss when the time comes. Just remember that if they haven’t changed already, they’re probably not going to change in the future.
11

Practice self-care.

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  1. It’s totally normal if you feel stressed or worn out after work. Take the time to do something nice for yourself every day: soak in a bubble bath, take a nature walk, or play with a pet. The more you can relax and get your mind off of things, the better you’ll feel. [14]
    • Try to maintain a good work-life balance, too. Your life doesn’t have to revolve around your job, and taking that much-needed time off can really improve your mental health.
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      Tips

      • Remember that narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a legitimate mental health condition that many diagnosed individuals attempt to manage with psychotherapy treatments. [15]
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      • It may feel good to call your boss a narcissist when venting to your colleagues. However, using the word “narcissist” to imply that someone is toxic or abusive only increases the stigma for people who are legitimately diagnosed with this condition. [16]
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
      2. ↑ https://ideas.ted.com/how-to-set-clear-work-boundaries-jayne-hardy/
      3. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
      4. ↑ https://www.cnbc.com/2019/03/04/5-signs-your-boss-is-a-narcissistand-how-to-trick-them-into-liking-you.html
      5. ↑ https://canadianbusiness.com/ideas/how-to-deal-with-narcissist-boss/
      6. ↑ https://www.cnbc.com/2019/03/04/5-signs-your-boss-is-a-narcissistand-how-to-trick-them-into-liking-you.html
      7. ↑ https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/April-2022/Unpacking-Narcissism-and-Stigma
      8. ↑ https://canadianbusiness.com/ideas/how-to-deal-with-narcissist-boss/
      9. ↑ https://hbr.org/2016/04/how-to-work-for-a-narcissistic-boss
      1. ↑ https://hbr.org/2016/04/how-to-work-for-a-narcissistic-boss
      2. ↑ https://hbr.org/2016/04/how-to-work-for-a-narcissistic-boss
      3. ↑ https://canadianbusiness.com/ideas/how-to-deal-with-narcissist-boss/
      4. ↑ https://canadianbusiness.com/ideas/how-to-deal-with-narcissist-boss/
      5. ↑ https://hbr.org/2016/04/how-to-work-for-a-narcissistic-boss
      6. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
      7. ↑ https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/April-2022/Unpacking-Narcissism-and-Stigma

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