Expert Advice for Dealing with Narcissistic Friends

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Signs of narcissism plus how to cope
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Dealing with a friend who behaves in a narcissistic way can be a difficult, frustrating situation. While some people’s narcissistic behavior may come from masking insecurities, others truly believe that they are better than others. [1] So how do you balance your relationship with your friend and your own needs? When is it time to end the friendship? We've got expert advice for you, below. While navigating this complex situation, keep in mind that a friend with narcissistic traits isn’t necessarily a "narcissist" and only a licensed mental health professional can diagnose narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). [2]

Dealing with a Narcissistic Friend

Having a friend with narcissistic tendencies can be challenging. You can assuage your pal by flattering them or making them feel important, but the best way to deal with a narcissistic friend is to speak to them directly and set boundaries around what behavior is (and isn’t) acceptable to you.

Section 1 of 3:

Signs of a Narcissistic Friend

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  1. Someone with diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) typically lacks empathy for other people, so they tend to make every conversation about them. [3] You might try discussing your own situation or bringing up social issues or current events. However, the focus will always turn back to them. [4] For instance, they might think that: [5]
    • All of their problems are harder than yours.
    • They’ve faced the same problems as you, but they handled them much better.
    • Their experiences are more exciting or upsetting than yours.
    • No matter what you do, they’ve always done something better.
    • They have a personal connection to every important event that happens.
  2. Someone with narcissistic qualities may see every relationship as one-sided, with them playing the starring role. That means your friendship will involve you giving them what they need or want. However, they will be unwilling to reciprocate and may even back away when you expect them to be there for you. [6]
    • For instance, they may expect you to always be available when they want to make plans but may be unwilling to work around your schedule. Similarly, they may want to talk when they’re dealing with an issue but refuse to listen to your problems.
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  3. Think about the experiences you've had with your friend, then ask yourself questions about their behavior. For instance, does your friend always seem to get what they want? Have you caught them in a lie? Do you feel guilted into doing things for them? If you answer "yes" to these questions, then your friend may display narcissistic qualtities [7]
    • For example, they may try to make you feel bad for them in order to get things from you. Similarly, they might do something nice for you so that you “owe” them, but then make really big demands of you.
  4. People with diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) may struggle to have empathy and remorse because the symptoms of this condition lead them to think selfishly and prioritize their own needs. [8] That means your friend may care more about their own emotions than yours or anyone else's, and they may not notice when they’re being hurtful. When they make a mistake, they likely won’t express remorse because they’ll blame someone else. [9]
    • Let’s say it’s your birthday and you’re having a special get-together with your friends. A friend with narcissistic qualities may have no problem making other plans, even though your feelings get hurt. If you confront them about this issue, they may blame you for picking a bad time or a restaurant they don’t like, or they might blame an external factor like the weather.
    • If you told your friend that it doesn't make you feel like the friendship is equal when they don't ask you anything about your life, their response may be counterintuitive, like that it's your problem and not theirs. [10]
  5. In most cases, someone who behaves in a narcissistic way will deny that they have any bad traits. Instead, they’ll accuse other people of having those traits. This allows them to feel like they’re the good person, while everyone else is the problem. [11]
    • For instance, your friend may accuse you of being the real attention hog, or they may accuse you of being controlling even though they’re controlling you.
  6. Keep in mind that narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a genuine mental health condition. The grandiose, self-centered bravado of your friend is likely covering up low self-esteem caused by this personality disorder. These types of NPD patients are called “vulnerable” because they are masking insecurities. That means your friend may lash out if they feel like you’re questioning them or rejecting them. [12]
    • You may notice that your friend feels attacked really easily or gets upset over the smallest issues. For instance, they may get really upset when you and another friend do something without them, even if they weren’t available to go. That’s because they fear that you two will reject them.
    • Remember that only a licensed psychologist can diagnose a person with NPD, and having NPD doesn't automatically make someone toxic, abusive, or a bad person. Many people with NPD can learn to manage their behavior with therapy and other treatments.
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Section 2 of 3:

Addressing Their Behavior

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  1. Although it’s not a long-term solution, complimenting and praising your friend can quickly get them on your side. You can use this technique to prevent your friend from ruining an event or making something all about them. However, using it too often may get them used to it. [13]
    • It might be hard to give your friend compliments when they don't deserve them, so don't do it if it makes you uncomfortable. You may save this technique for times when you honestly have something nice to say about them.
    • This works because people with narcissistic personalities like to think highly of themselves and want you to recognize how great they are.

    You might say…

    “I invited you to my party tonight because you’re always a good time. I’m sure I can count on you to make everyone feel welcome!”

    “You look so beautiful tonight, but I’m worried you might outshine the bride. I’ll bet everyone will think you’re a really amazing friend if you keep a low profile.”

    “I know you’re really knowledgeable about this topic, but I think Edgar will feel bad if you correct him after his speech.”

  2. At times, your friend might tell outlandish stories or act unreasonably, which can be frustrating. When this happens, pretending their antics are a joke can make them stop temporarily. They want you to be impressed with them, so they will likely back off if they realize you aren’t buying their story. [14]
    • Don’t try this if you think your friend might get hurt by your laughter. This works best if your friend really thinks they’re better than everyone else.
    • For instance, say, “Haha, that would be hilarious,” or “You’re so funny.”
  3. You shouldn't have to go out of your way to make your friend feel good, but doing so might make it easier to get them to do what you want. In addition to making them feel important, you might let them think an activity was their idea or that they're somehow benefiting from it. Do your best to frame things in a way that makes them feel like they’re getting something out of the situation, and you should be able to have a pleasant time. [15]
    • For instance, let’s say your friend group is going out to dinner to celebrate someone else’s accomplishment. You might let your friend pick the restaurant or decide to celebrate several accomplishments at once, including something they did.
    • Similarly, you might be doing a group activity, such as karaoke. To keep your friend from derailing the fun night, you might heap praise or tell them the only reason you wanted to go to karaoke is that they’re so good.
  4. While you likely care about your friend, you aren’t responsible for their needs. You deserve to have your own boundaries, so don’t be afraid to ignore your friend when they’re being inappropriate. Don’t allow them to yell at you, guilt you, or blame you for things they do. Get away from them when you need to do so. [16]
    • Give yourself time to calm down before you try to deal with them again.
    • If you’re stuck with them, you can still ignore them. Put on some earbuds to block them out, pretend to take a nap, or ask another friend to be a buffer.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 1010 wikiHow readers, and 71% of them agreed that the most effective way to ignore a narcissist is to cut off or limit your contact with them . [Take Poll]
  5. Your friend may display their narcissistic habits more when their ego is threatened. If this friend is single, for instance, they may act rudely during events where couples are present. If they tend to be a know-it-all, they might get insecure when other people are more educated than they are. Plan activities that you know don’t trigger their insecurities. [17]
    • Sometimes it may be best to avoid inviting them to events you know will just upset them.
  6. If you want your friend to change for the long term, tell them what’s bothering you. Be direct about what needs to change, and what you’d rather they do instead. Let them know that you value them as a friend, but you aren’t going to accept mistreatment. [18]
    • Plan out what you’re going to say in advance so it’s easier. Defensiveness is a key symptom of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), so it helps to be prepared. [19]
    • Say, “I feel like you don’t care about me when you interrupt me,” or “It bothers me that you only want to hang out on your terms.”
    • Don't give up what you enjoy doing because you're worried about how this friend will act. If you want to do something that you know will likely set them off, don't invite them to go. You deserve to enjoy the things that make you happy.
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Section 3 of 3:

Getting Your Needs Met

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  1. A friend with narcissistic traits may try to make you feel like you’re inadequate, which makes you work hard for their approval. However, they’re never going to give it to you. In their mind, you’re there for your needs, and they’re always going to be “better” than you. They’ll always cut you down to make themselves feel better. [20]
    • Instead of worrying about what your friend thinks, do what pleases you. Be the kind of person that you look up to and respect.
    • However, it’s worth remembering that while it may seem like your friend thinks they’re better than you, their behavior likely stems from deep feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem. [21]
    Brene Brown, Author & Professor of Social Work

    Understand what it means to be a narcissist. "Narcissism is the most shame-based of all the personality disorders. Narcissism is not about self-love at all. It’s about grandiosity driven by high performance and self-hatred. I define narcissism as the shame-based fear of being ordinary."

  2. If your friend displays narcissistic behaviors, they may hurt your feelings to make themselves feel better—so telling them about your insecurities is the same as handing them live ammo. This isn’t the friend you want to spill your guts to, so keep your lips sealed. [22]
    • Don’t tell them about your fears, worries, faults, or embarrassing stories. They may tell others to humiliate you, or they might throw them back in your face when it suits them.
  3. Spending time with someone who behaves in a narcissistic way can tear down your self-esteem or make you feel like what you want is not important. Don’t let your friend make you feel bad about what you want or change your goals based on their opinions. They aren’t looking out for what’s best for you, no matter what they say. [23]
    • Your choices should reflect your wants and values. Don’t worry about what your friend thinks.
    • When you need advice, talk to friends or family members who care about you and what you want.
  4. Speaking up for yourself can be hard. Fortunately, a therapist can help you learn how to set healthy boundaries and maintain them. That way, you can stand up for yourself when your friend is mistreating you. [24]
    • Look for a therapist online or ask your doctor for a referral.
    • Your insurance may cover your therapy sessions, so check your coverage.
  5. It’s hard to give up a friend, but you don’t deserve to spend time with someone who makes you feel bad. If they continuously make you feel bad, take a break from your friendship. During that time, re-evaluate why you want to stay friends with them. [25]
    • Follow your gut. If you think you need a break from them, go ahead and take it.
  6. Unfortunately, relationships with selfish or manipulative people can be toxic, and you deserve better. If your friend is constantly tearing you down, controlling you, or manipulating you, then it may be best to cut them out of your life . Tell them you don’t want to be friends anymore, using “I” statements. Then, block their phone number and social media accounts. [26]
    • Say, “Lately I don’t feel like you’re respecting my decisions, so I think it’s best we don’t stay friends.”
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How do I deal with a narcissistic friend?
    Jay Reid, LPCC
    Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
    Jay Reid is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) in private practice in San Francisco, CA. He specializes in helping clients who have survived a narcissistic parent or partner. Treatment focuses upon helping clients identify and challenge self-diminishing beliefs as a result of narcissistic abuse. Jay holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and an MS in Clinical Psychology from Penn State University.
    Jay Reid, LPCC
    Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
    Expert Answer
    Have a conversation with another person who is capable of being more generous and reciprocal about the friendship. Determine what you find satisfying in the relationship, and what you think is enough in terms of what you can get out of it. It may be that ultimately, the amount of needs or expectations the narcissist can meet is unsatisfactory. You want to have clarity of mind about the situation.
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      • Take your time when you get to know someone, which will help you recognize a narcissistic personality before they're too close to you.
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      • Keep in mind that your friend may not realize they’re doing things that are hurting you. If they truly have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), these behaviors are symptoms that they can’t always control. With therapy and other treatments, however, they can learn to manage their symptoms and develop healthy relationships.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201408/8-ways-handle-narcissist
      2. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20366690
      3. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK556001/
      4. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 Aug 2020.
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201802/narcissistic-friends-what-s-the-attraction
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201802/narcissistic-friends-what-s-the-attraction
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201408/8-ways-handle-narcissist
      8. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 Aug 2020.
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201408/8-ways-handle-narcissist
      1. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 Aug 2020.
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/201711/the-catch-22-dealing-narcissist
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201610/6-the-more-subtle-signs-narcissism
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/201711/the-catch-22-dealing-narcissist
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201408/8-ways-handle-narcissist
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201802/narcissistic-friends-what-s-the-attraction
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201408/8-ways-handle-narcissist
      8. ↑ https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/handle-narcissist
      9. ↑ https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/handle-narcissist
      10. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
      11. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      12. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
      13. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/201711/the-catch-22-dealing-narcissist
      14. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      15. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/201711/the-catch-22-dealing-narcissist
      16. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/201711/the-catch-22-dealing-narcissist
      17. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm

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