The Psychology of “Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder”

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What research says about space and long-distance relationships
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They say that distance makes the heart grow fonder, but is it true that being away from your loved ones makes you appreciate them more? Well, according to psychological studies, there may just be some truth behind this old adage. In this article, we’ll show you what the research says about geographical separation and relationships, plus explore how to navigate a long-distance relationship (LDR) and your personal space within a partnership.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed marriage and family therapist, Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

  • Psychological research shows that distance can make partners invest more in each other, and long-distance couples may even have greater relationship satisfaction.
  • If you’re in an LDR, prioritize regular communication in a variety of formats (voice calls, texting, video chats) and establish your relationship expectations clearly.
  • As long as both partners are open and honest about their needs for personal space and agree on boundaries, no distance is too much distance for a couple to work.
Section 1 of 4:

Does distance really make the heart grow fonder?

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    One Finnish study used cell phone data to determine whether friends and lovers changed their communication patterns when they were geographically separated. The researchers found that average call times increased, especially when the gap between calls lengthened or the physical distance increased. This shows that people tend to put more effort into catching up and maintaining their relationships when time or distance apart threatens to weaken their bonds. [1]
    • The study was unable to determine whether the callers really felt “more fond” of each other, but the increase in time spent on the phone suggests a need for couples and friends to feel close even when they’re apart.
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    In another study comparing geographically close and distant couples, long-distance partners reported higher relationship quality (including love for their partner, having fun with their partner, and quality of conversation) and less negative communication or the feeling of “being trapped.” They also tended to have more optimism about the future of their relationship and higher levels of separation security. [2] Possible reasons for this include:
    • More time for individual growth. Long-distance partners have space to establish their own values, goals, and individuality without the constant influence of a present partner. [3] This means they’re generally bringing their authentic selves to the relationship.
    • A stronger emotional bond. Communication and trust-building are essential for LDRs to work healthily. This often leads to a deeper personal connection, especially since sex and physical intimacy are hard to come by.
    • More appreciation for time spent together. Geographically separated partners may miss each other’s laughs, quirks, or company more so than couples who see each other every day. Partners that see each other constantly may get wrapped up in their daily lives and forget to value each other.
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Section 2 of 4:

Navigating Long-Distance Relationships

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    Variety is the spice of life, so switch up your usual phone calls and texts. Send each other pictures, audio clips, and short videos to paint a richer picture of your life and make your partner feel loved and attended to. Interact on social media and use video apps like FaceTime or Zoom to get face-to-face interactions.
    • Communication is crucial for LDRs to work, so be clear about which platform you want to use and when to avoid missing a call or double-booking yourself.
    • Make a point to have regular check-ins with each other about your feelings and needs in the relationship. This is different from checking up on someone to see what they’re doing, which can be taken as a lack of trust.
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    Update your partner on your life and its happenings—even the simple and mundane stuff—to show them they’re an important part of your life. Share details about the simple activities you engage in, like your morning walk or favorite lunch spot, to paint a picture of your life. [4] This makes your partner feel like they’re almost there with you.
    • Try giving your partner a virtual tour of your workplace or favorite spots around town over a video call so they can visualize your going about your day more easily.
    • When you do get together for visits, spend time with each other’s friends and family and visit each other’s regular hangouts to familiarize yourselves with each other’s worlds.
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    Clarify what your long-distance end date will be, whether it’s the end of one partner’s work project or an arbitrary date. LDRs are less stressful when both partners understand the situation is temporary and can keep their eye on the prize. Then, create a shared vision of what comes next—will you move in together? Will you get engaged? Do you both imagine the same lifestyle? [5]
    • Talk about your expectations and hopes often, since they may change and shift over time. Differing ideas of the outcome—like whether you’ll get engaged when you’re reunited or not—can lead to friction, arguments, or even the end of the relationship.
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    Try FaceTiming over breakfast, setting up lunch dates, or playing games instead of just sitting on the couch and chatting. You might have to shift your schedule around (especially if you’re in different time zones), but the increase in your romantic connection will be worth it. [6]
    • Also, if you’re comfortable, do activities like having phone sex or trying mutual masturbation to fuel physical intimacy over long distances.
    • If you’re not into virtual sex, you can still strengthen your sexual intimacy by being open and honest about your preferences in bed and communicating your expectations and needs for when you’re reunited.
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    It’s important that you and your partner agree on the way things are going to be from day 1. Establish how often you want to talk to each other—daily? Morning and evening? How frequently do you expect in-person visits?
    • Whatever you decide, be clear and honest in your communication. Remember that communication is ongoing and to check in with each other frequently to keep your relationship healthy.
    • Once you come up with a plan, stick to it. Put visit dates on your calendar and uphold them to anchor your relationship, and honor your commitments to your partner.
    • If something’s not working for you, speak up. Withholding your feelings can lead to resentment, arguments, or hurt feelings when things finally boil over.
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    Are you both committed to monogamy, or do you want to explore an open relationship? If you're considering ethical non-monogamy, take a deeper dive into what that would mean for your relationship. What sort of label would you put on your relationship (if any)? What types of boundaries would you both need to feel comfortable and supported in this new arrangement? [7]
    • For example, you could agree to have an open relationship, where you're both allowed to be sexually active with multiple partners. Or, you might classify your partnership as a casual dating relationship, where you're both allowed to date other individuals (in addition to one another).
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    Living together (or even just in the same town) after a long-distance relationship brings lots of changes. For example, you may have to adjust to living with someone and sacrificing some personal space, or work harder at being romantic since simply seeing each other may start to feel less special. [8]
    • Give each other space and try to accept each other’s quirks as you acclimate to a joint life. It may not be easy at first since you have only seen each other’s “best behavior” over calls and visits for a while.
    • Make new friends together and spend time with each other’s social circles and families to get to know each other in new contexts. Since you’ve largely only seen each other 1-on-1 for a while, it’s important to see how you jive in various situations.
    • Leave plenty of time for spontaneity and fun, too. LDRs can feel regimented and scheduled out of necessity, so allow yourselves to let loose and see where your day takes you now and then.
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Section 3 of 4:

How much distance is too much?

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    Relationships are a delicate balance of feeling close to someone while not losing your individuality, and how you communicate and respond to each other’s needs for space is often more important than what the needs actually are. For example, say one partner wants alone time to decompress after work, but one partner wants to connect right away since they’ve been apart all day. Neither request is unreasonable, but if the communication isn’t strong, the situation can lead to feelings of rejection or suffocation. [9]
    • To communicate your personal boundaries , talk to your partner when you’re both in a relaxed mood. Use “I” statements to say how you feel, and be super clear about what you want. [10]
    • For example, a partner who needs alone time after work could say, “I understand that you want to see me when I get home, but I don’t feel like my best self after a stressful work day and want time to unwind so I can give you the attention you deserve.”
    • Listen to your partner’s feedback to make sure they understand your request and agree that it’s fair. Respect their boundaries in the same way you want them to respect yours.
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    Personal space or distance looks different for every couple, and what works for some may be a dealbreaker for others. Sometimes, without frequent check-ins or adjustable boundaries to adapt to your changing relationship, couples may start to grow apart without realizing it. Some general signs that you’ve grown apart and may need to rekindle your relationship include: [11]
    • Choosing to share big news with others before sharing with each other.
    • A lack of desire to spend free time together.
    • A lack of physical touch (sexual or platonic).
    • Avoid the “hard talks” about your relationship because they feel pointless.
    • Feeling lonely, even when you’re together.
    • Dramatic shifts in interest or personal goals.
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Section 4 of 4:

Meaning of “Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder”

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    It applies to romantic couples, but also friends, family members, and even places or objects. [12] In English, the saying has been around since at least 1755 when American politician and writer Benjamin Franklin (1706–1790) used it in a paper. However, it’s thought the sentiment dates all the way back to the Roman poet Sextus Propertius (c. 54 BC–2 AD), who wrote Semper in absentes felicior aestus amantes (“Always toward absent lovers love's tide stronger flows”). [13]
    • Sometimes, the saying appears as “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” (with “absence” replacing “distance”).

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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7175705/
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/201903/the-advantages-of-long-distance-relationships
      3. ↑ https://www.psychalive.org/the-positives-behind-the-long-distance-relationship-by-angelina-cruz/
      4. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-make-long-distance-relationships-work
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201806/10-tips-make-long-distance-relationship-work
      6. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-make-long-distance-relationships-work
      7. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/ethical-non-monogamy-polyamory#types-of-ethical-non-monogamy
      8. ↑ https://www.insider.com/tips-couple-long-distance-to-living-together-2017-6
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-dating/202012/when-your-partner-needs-space-and-you-crave-closeness
      1. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/setting-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships.htm
      2. ↑ https://www.insider.com/signs-youre-growing-apart-from-partner-2019-6
      3. ↑ https://writingexplained.org/idiom-dictionary/absence-makes-the-heart-grow-fonder
      4. ↑ https://www.bookbrowse.com/expressions/detail/index.cfm/expression_number/117/absence-makes-the-heart-grow-fonder

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