8 Dysfunctional Family Roles & How to Move Past Them

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Understanding and breaking free from harmful patterns in your home
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Your family should be a safe space that provides you with love and support as you grow up, but unfortunately, this isn't always the case. If you think you're dealing with a dysfunctional family dynamic and want to know more about dysfunctional family roles, you’ve come to the right place. We’ll cover the common roles found in dysfunctional families, and explain their possible effects. We’ll also go over how to heal and cope if you’re a part of a dysfunctional family. Keep reading for everything you need to know.

Common Dysfunctional Family Roles

  • The golden child receives excessive praise and special treatment from their parents.
  • The scapegoat is unfairly blamed for all of the family’s problems.
  • The lost child tries to escape their family’s dysfunction by isolating themselves.
  • The peacemaker constantly works to defuse tensions and mediate arguments.
  • The mascot uses humor and playfulness to try to distract from the family’s problems.
  • The parentified child assumes adult responsibilities to keep things running smoothly.
  • The enabler excuses family members' bad behavior to keep up appearances.
Section 1 of 2:

Common Roles in Dysfunctional Families

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  1. In a dysfunctional family, one of the siblings may become the golden child , also called “The Hero” or “The Saint.” This child receives special treatment and excessive praise from their parents, whether or not they've actually earned it. In the parents’ eyes, the golden child is an idealized hero who can do no wrong. [1] You’ll often hear the parent of a golden child asking their other children, “Why can’t you be more like your sibling?”
    • The parents of a golden child may focus on praising them to distract from the family’s real problems. They may also highlight the golden child’s achievements to convince themselves that there’s no issue with the family.
    • This family dynamic often develops when one parent is a narcissist. The narcissistic parent projects their positive self-image onto the golden child, making them the parent’s “favorite.” [2]
    • Effects: In adulthood, former golden children often struggle with self-esteem issues, people-pleasing, perfectionism, anxiety, or depression. [3]
  2. The scapegoat is the family member who gets blamed for all of the family’s problems, whether or not they’re actually at fault. [4] This role is usually (but not always) held by one of the children, and they’re often called the “black sheep” or the “problem child” of the family. No matter what the scapegoat does to please their parents, they’re constantly put down and criticized. They’re essentially the opposite of the golden child—where the golden child can do no wrong, the scapegoat can only do wrong. [5]
    • The parents in a dysfunctional family may focus on criticizing the scapegoat to shift the blame away from themselves and distract from the family’s real issues.
    • Scapegoating often occurs in families with a narcissistic parent. The parent projects their positive qualities onto one child (the golden child) and their negative qualities onto their other child (the scapegoat). [6]
    • Effects: In adulthood, former scapegoats may struggle with low self-esteem, depression or self-harm, PTSD, people-pleasing tendencies, codependent behaviors, and difficulties in intimate relationships. [7]
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  3. The lost child is the sibling who tries to blend into the background to survive all of the family’s conflicts. In an attempt to make it through all the tension and dysfunction unnoticed, the lost child withdraws or isolates themselves. As a result, the family members brand them as a “loner” or forget about them altogether, which leads to their needs being neglected. [8]
    • To escape their dysfunctional family home, lost children may spend most of their time at friends’ houses, or fill up all of their time with extracurriculars.
    • Effects: Due to the neglect they experience in childhood, lost children may struggle with self-esteem issues, addiction, destructive behaviors, or unhealthy relationship dynamics in adulthood. [9]
  4. The peacemaker takes on the job of keeping everyone happy and maintaining harmony in the home. They may sacrifice their own emotional well-being to care for family members, and they’re often forced to act as a mediator between family members who are arguing with each other. [10]
    • Peacemakers are often children who try to smooth out tensions between their two parents, or siblings who try to resolve conflicts between their parents and a rebellious sibling.
    • Peacemakers may also be a parent who tries to pacify their easily angered spouse.
    • Effects: Those who served as peacemakers in their family may become extremely uncomfortable with anger. As a result, they may become very conflict-avoidant and struggle to express themselves when they're upset. [11]
  5. Like the peacemaker, the mascot (also called “the clown”) tries to defuse tensions in their dysfunctional family unit. Unlike the peacemaker, however, the mascot primarily uses humor and playfulness to distract from the family’s problems and keep up a light atmosphere. [12]
    • Effects: Those who were the clown or mascot in their family may use humor to avoid discussing serious issues in their adult relationships. [13]
  6. In dysfunctional family dynamics, a child is sometimes forced to take on roles that are typically the parent’s responsibility. For example, a parent may look to the child for emotional support and reassurance, rather than the other way around. Or, a parent may rely on the child to take care of important household matters that aren’t age-appropriate, like paying bills or making sure everyone is fed. [14]
    • Effects: Former parentified children often become hyper-aware of other people’s needs, and they may focus on taking care of others at the expense of their own mental and emotional well-being. [15]
  7. To maintain the appearance of happiness or normalcy in the family, the enabler may excuse or hide the negative behaviors of other family members. For example, if one family member is an alcoholic, the enabler may dismiss their behavior or help them hide the evidence of their addiction, rather than getting the family member the help they need. [16]
    • The enabler’s efforts may make everything look better, but it actually prevents the family from healing and tackling important issues.
    • Effects: Enablers may be so focused on keeping up appearances that they neglect their emotional needs. They may also make excuses for bad behavior in their other relationships, leading to unhealthy or toxic situations. [17]
  8. The identified patient is a family member who has a mental health disorder, and because of this, the other family members see them as the “reason” for all the family’s problems. For example, a dysfunctional family may say that they’re seeking out family therapy because one of the children has depression or substance abuse issues. The other family members mistakenly assume that all their difficulties are a result of the identified patient’s mental health, when in actuality, the whole family exhibits dysfunctional behavior. [18]
    • Effects: Those who were the identified patient in their families may deal with self-esteem issues and self-blame, on top of the mental health struggles they were already dealing with.
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Section 2 of 2:

How to Cope and Heal from Dysfunctional Family Roles

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  1. Being a member of a dysfunctional family can take a serious toll on your emotional and mental well-being. Because of this, it’s especially important to focus on self-care and prioritize your own needs. [19] Set aside time in your schedule to do the things you love, like connecting with friends or participating in your hobbies. If you’re feeling especially stressed out, try pampering yourself with a relaxing bubble bath, or watching your favorite comfort movie. Here are a few more ideas for self-care: [20]
  2. Growing up in a dysfunctional family often causes feelings of shame and low self-esteem. [21] Because of this, it’s extremely important to treat yourself with compassion . [22] Being self-compassionate involves being kind to yourself when you're struggling. It means showing yourself the same patience and empathy that you would show someone you love. [23] Here are some tips:
    • When you’re feeling self-critical, imagine your best friend in the same situation. Think of the kind, supportive things you would say to them, and then direct these compassionate statements toward yourself. [24]
    • Try reciting positive affirmations to combat the negative, self-critical voice in your head. For example, you could say, “I am deserving of love and compassion,” or “I’m doing the best I can, and that is enough.” [25]
  3. Dysfunctional families often have poor communication skills, but healthy communication is key to healing your family dynamic. [26] When spending time together as a family, try to focus on actively listening to each other and sharing your perspectives in a respectful, loving way, rather than reacting with anger or defensiveness.
    • When confronting a family member about dysfunctional behavior, try to use “I” statements focusing on how their actions make you feel, rather than accusing them of behaving badly. [27]
      • For example: “I feel stressed out and anxious when I have to take care of grown-up issues for the family,” rather than, “You always expect me to take on too much adult responsibility.”
      • The first statement focuses on the negative emotional effects of your family’s dysfunction, which opens the door to a productive discussion on how to make things better.
      • The second statement, on the other hand, may come across as accusatory. As a result, your parent may react defensively, rather than engaging in a healthy conversation.
    Brene Brown, Author & Professor of Social Work

    Avoid placing judgments and labels on children. "We need to separate our children from their behaviors. There’s a significant difference between 'you are bad' and 'you did something bad'. It’s not just semantics. When we shame and label our children, we take away their opportunity to grow and try on new behaviors."

  4. Let your family know what kind of behaviors are acceptable and unacceptable in your relationship. Say, for example, that you were a parentified child, and your parent still expects you to emotionally support them in adulthood. Try setting a boundary around the amount of time you’re available to provide support. You could say, “Mom, I’m available to meet for lunch or talk on the phone once per week, but I won’t be able to connect outside of those times, unless it’s an emergency.” [28]
    • Or, say you were the scapegoat in your family unit. Try setting boundaries with your family members about the type of communication that you’ll be willing to engage in.
    • For example, you could say, “I’m willing to have a mature conversation when you’re upset, but if you start yelling or unfairly insulting me, I’m going to step outside or hang up the phone.” [29]
  5. Many dysfunctional family dynamics are difficult to navigate without the help of a professional. If you’re in this situation, consider seeking out treatment with a licensed therapist or counselor. If your family is willing, you could all visit a family therapist together, but individual therapy can also be incredibly helpful. [30] Remember, you don’t have to go it alone, and healing is possible!
  6. Sometimes, dysfunctional family members refuse to respect your boundaries and treat you the way you deserve to be treated, no matter how hard you try to develop healthier relationships with them. If this happens, it might be necessary to take a break from spending time with them or to cut off contact altogether. This is definitely a difficult decision to make, but it’s sometimes necessary to protect your mental health. [32]
    • Remember, it’s not your responsibility to single-handedly fix your family’s toxic dynamic.
    • If you’ve tried everything within your power to bring healing to your familial relationships but your family members are still causing you extreme distress, it’s completely okay to take a step back temporarily or permanently. [33]
    • If you’re still underage and can’t completely cut off contact, consider asking an extended family member if you can stay with them for a while to get some space from your immediate family dynamic. [34]
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      References

      1. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/psychology-self/2019/10/triangulation-and-narcissism
      2. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/psychology-self/2019/10/triangulation-and-narcissism
      3. ↑ https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20230809-the-lifelong-effects-of-the-favourite-child
      4. ↑ https://clinmedjournals.org/articles/jfmdp/journal-of-family-medicine-and-disease-prevention-jfmdp-3-059.php
      5. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/psychology-self/2019/10/triangulation-and-narcissism
      6. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/psychology-self/2019/10/triangulation-and-narcissism
      7. ↑ https://clinmedjournals.org/articles/jfmdp/journal-of-family-medicine-and-disease-prevention-jfmdp-3-059.php
      8. ↑ https://clinmedjournals.org/articles/jfmdp/journal-of-family-medicine-and-disease-prevention-jfmdp-3-059.php
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-autism-spectrum-disorder/202110/are-you-narcissistic-parents-lost-child
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stronger-the-broken-places/201712/playing-out-our-childhood-role
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stronger-the-broken-places/201712/playing-out-our-childhood-role
      3. ↑ https://clinmedjournals.org/articles/jfmdp/journal-of-family-medicine-and-disease-prevention-jfmdp-3-059.php
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stronger-the-broken-places/201712/playing-out-our-childhood-role
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/childhood-emotional-neglect/202308/to-be-parentified-is-to-grow-up-with-emotional-neglect
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stronger-the-broken-places/201712/playing-out-our-childhood-role
      7. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/are-you-an-enabler
      8. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/are-you-an-enabler#
      9. ↑ https://dictionary.apa.org/identified-patient
      10. ↑ https://clinmedjournals.org/articles/jfmdp/journal-of-family-medicine-and-disease-prevention-jfmdp-3-059.php
      11. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/click-here-happiness/201812/self-care-12-ways-take-better-care-yourself
      12. ↑ https://clinmedjournals.org/articles/jfmdp/journal-of-family-medicine-and-disease-prevention-jfmdp-3-059.php
      13. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2020/03/adult-children-of-dysfunctional-families-unworthiness-and-shame#Changing-our-thoughts-and-feelings
      14. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_five_myths_of_self_compassion
      15. ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/healthbeat/the-power-of-self-compassion
      16. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/positive-thinking/art-20043950
      17. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/dealing-with-difficult-family-relationships.htm
      18. ↑ https://screening.mhanational.org/content/how-can-i-set-boundaries-my-family/
      19. ↑ https://screening.mhanational.org/content/how-can-i-set-boundaries-my-family/
      20. ↑ https://screening.mhanational.org/content/how-can-i-set-boundaries-my-family/
      21. ↑ https://www.samhsa.gov/families
      22. ↑ https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/patients-and-families/finding-good-therapist
      23. ↑ https://screening.mhanational.org/content/how-can-i-set-boundaries-my-family/
      24. ↑ https://screening.mhanational.org/content/how-can-i-set-boundaries-my-family/
      25. ↑ https://clinmedjournals.org/articles/jfmdp/journal-of-family-medicine-and-disease-prevention-jfmdp-3-059.php

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