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Leaving a toxic friend behind or gradually let them go
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Ending any type of friendship can be difficult, but it might be necessary if you’ve been dealing with a toxic friend for some time. Unfortunately, toxic people can bring a lot of negativity and stress to your life, and letting them go might be what you need to do to prioritize your health and happiness. Whether you choose to cut them off completely or would rather gradually ease out of the friendship, we’re here to walk you through what to do to put some distance between you and a toxic friend. We’ll also be sure to support you by offering advice about what you can do to move on from this toxic relationship and begin living your best life.
Things You Should Know
- State your honest feelings about your friendship, then tell your friend that you no longer wish to see them.
- Cut off all contact with them by not texting or calling them, deleting them from social media, and no longer hanging out with them.
- Allow yourself time to grieve the loss of your friendship and fully acknowledge your emotions. When you feel ready, forgive them and begin moving forward.
Steps
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Honestly evaluate your friendship and whether it’s worth saving. Take some time to identify the other person’s toxic behaviors and ask yourself if you think these are things you can deal with. Do you think your friend will be willing to change? If the answer to both of these is no, then cutting this friend out of your life might be the best move for you. The first step in letting go of a toxic person is admitting to yourself that the friendship is impacting you negatively. [1] X Expert Source Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor Expert Interview. 7 Aug 2020.- Typical behaviors of a toxic friend include constant negativity, making belittling or humiliating comments, acting selfishly, and not respecting your boundaries.
- It’s completely normal to have mixed feelings. If you’ve known this person for a long time, you might enjoy the familiarity and comfort their presence provides.
- However, despite the perks they may bring to your life, it’s not worth staying in the friendship if it leaves you feeling drained, frustrated, or doubting your own self-worth.
- If you want to let them go quickly, make a clean break in your friendship with a direct, clear statement. If you want to end things a bit more gently, gradually reduce the time you spend around this person.
- If you’re in an abusive relationship, whether it’s physical, emotional, or something else, do what you can to get out of the relationship immediately.
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Write down what you’re going to say. If you’re feeling nervous about confronting a toxic friend, write down your thoughts and feelings beforehand. Then, practice what you’re going to say before you meet with them so you’ll sound confident when talking with them face-to-face. Having to confront a toxic friend and break off a relationship can be hard, but making a script ahead of time can help you stay calm and keep you on track in the moment. [2] X Research source
- For example, you might write, “I feel like I'm not getting anything out of this relationship. I do care about you, but it's becoming too hard for me to maintain this relationship. I think it would be best if we go our separate ways.”
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State your feelings in a clear and direct way. While it may be challenging, stating your feelings clearly is the best way to make sure your friend really hears you and understands how their behavior has impacted you. Toxic people can be very clingy and controlling and may not take no for an answer easily. [3] X Research source
- Use “I” statements when talking about your feelings to keep the focus on your personal emotions and avoid making your friend feel like you’re aggressively targeting them.
- For example, instead of saying, “You make it hard to be your friend,” say, “I feel like I’m giving more than I’m receiving in this friendship.”
- Do your best to stay calm during your conversation. While you have every right to be angry, confronting a toxic person when you’re still angry might actually cause the situation to escalate.
EXPERT TIPLicensed Psychologist & TEDx SpeakerDr. Adam Dorsay is a licensed psychologist in private practice in San Jose, CA, and the co-creator of Project Reciprocity, an international program at Facebook's Headquarters, and a consultant with Digital Ocean’s Safety Team. He specializes in assisting high-achieving adults with relationship issues, stress reduction, anxiety, and attaining more happiness in their lives. In 2016 he gave a well-watched TEDx talk about men and emotions. Dr. Dorsay has a M.A. in Counseling from Santa Clara University and received his doctorate in Clinical Psychology in 2008.Try to keep it short. You probably have a lot of feelings you want to express, but your friend will likely have a very short window of listening. You may even want to write it down before you say it so that you can keep it concise.
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Let the person know you don't want to see them again. While it may be hard, cutting off all contact with a toxic friend is the quickest way to remove their negativity and harmful behaviors from your life. Make it clear that you don’t wish to see them in the future and will not be contacting them from now on. Say something like, “I don’t want to see you again, so please don’t try to contact me.” [4] X Research source
- While it may seem a bit aggressive, being blunt in this situation is one of the most effective ways to establish boundaries and make sure the other person understands them.
- Unfollow and block them on social media to further remove them from your life.
- It’s possible that a toxic friend might still try to reach out to you. If you’re set on cutting off all contact, ignore their texts, calls, and emails. Another option is to block the person's number .
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Limit how often you contact them. Cutting off a friendship altogether can be difficult, so slowly phasing your friendship out can be a good way to distance yourself from your friend’s toxicity. When you find yourself instinctively reaching for your phone to message them, pause for a second and hold yourself back if it’s not something urgent. If they stop getting as many messages from you, they might catch on to your intentions of creating some distance. [5] X Research source
- Avoid interacting with them on social media as well. Hold back from liking or commenting on their posts and avoid posting anything that includes them.
- Reader Poll: We asked 513 wikiHow readers to give us their opinion on the most effective way to avoid someone, and 44% said that completely cutting off all contact (including text, social media, and in-person communication) was the best strategy. [Take Poll]
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Decline invitations to hang out with them. Limiting physical contact is equally as important as limiting digital contact. If they ask you to hang out, make an excuse why you can’t or simply tell them you don’t want to make plans . You don’t have to stop hanging out with them completely, but limiting how much time you spend together can give you a bit of space to breathe. [6] X Research source
- For example, you might make an excuse by saying, “I have a lot going on in my life right now and really don’t have time to hang out.”
- Or, be more firm and say, “I need some space and think it’s best if we don’t hang out for a while.”
- If you have the same friend group or are in the same social circle, taking a break from joining group events where they might be there is also a good way to limit contact.
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Change the dynamic of your interactions. If your friend doesn’t get the response from you that they were expecting, they might get the hint that you want things to change in your relationship and that you’re not completely happy with how things are now. For example, if you used to shrug off their belittling comments, call them out for their rude behavior. [7] X Research source
- For example, say something like, “I don’t appreciate it when you make comments like that. It hurts more than you might think.”
- Another example would be to let them work through their own decisions and issues instead of immediately jumping in with advice as they might expect.
- In this situation, you might say something like, “I think it’s best if you take some time to sort through things yourself. If you still need help later, then come talk to me.”
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Reward yourself for limiting communication. It can be incredibly hard to let go of a friendship, even if it is a toxic one. In order to stay strong and motivate yourself to go through with your decision, create small rewards for yourself each time you do something to distance yourself from the toxic person. For example, go out and do something fun after turning down an invitation from them to hang out. [8] X Research source
- Stick to your values and remind yourself why it’s important for you to get away from their toxic behavior. It might feel difficult at that moment, but your actions will help you reach a place where you’ll hopefully feel much happier.
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Allow yourself time to grieve. Even though it might have been a toxic friendship, it was a friendship nevertheless. Losing a friend of any kind can be painful, and it’s perfectly okay if you feel like you need some time to recover and gain control of your emotions . The important thing is that you acknowledge these emotions, both the positive and negative, and give yourself adequate time to process them. [9] X Research source
- Be kind and understanding with yourself. Avoid giving yourself a hard deadline to “get over it” and move on. Every person is different, and people will naturally react differently to the loss of a friendship.
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Surround yourself with positive and loving people. Once you've left a toxic person, surround yourself with those who remind you about all the good and positive things that come out of a relationship. Reach out to other close, trustworthy friends, be with your family, or spend time with a romantic partner. Being surrounded by positive people will allow you to get the love and care you deserve. [10] X Research source
- Don’t be afraid to open up about what you’ve been going through. Sometimes it can be really comforting just knowing that someone is there to listen to you.
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Identify your role in toxic relationships. Look at your history with friends, romantic relationships, and family relationships. Many people who end up in toxic friendships have a tendency towards bad relationships. You may consistently play a certain role in relationships that is negative to you. Being aware of these kinds of patterns can help you break free from them and avoid future toxic relationships. [11] X Research source
- While you’re certainly not responsible for someone else's poor behavior, you may be vulnerable to toxic people for certain reasons.
- For example, maybe you have a tendency to be more passive in relationships and are uncomfortable stating your needs. This could make it easier for toxic friends to take advantage of you.
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Forgive them and accept that you can’t change them. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean excusing their actions or forgetting how they hurt you. Instead, forgiving is all about recognizing that what’s happened has happened and that it’s now time to move on. Let go of your anger or any lingering resentment you may feel toward them. Forgiveness is also about accepting the fact that they might not be able to change and making peace with that fact. [12] X Research source
- Forgiveness doesn’t make you weak or a pushover. If anything, it shows that you’re the bigger person who won’t let themselves get caught up in a relationship that’s already ended.
- You can certainly tell the other person that you forgive them, but accepting these feelings by yourself can also be more than sufficient enough. Do whatever you need to do to make peace with the situation.
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Take care of your physical and mental health. After getting out of a toxic friendship, there might be a period of time when you feel lost and unsure of what to do, and it’s especially important to make sure you’re taking care of yourself during this time. Get enough sleep each night, eat 3 meals a day, and exercise to keep away stress. Take care of your mental health by allowing yourself to relax and take some time to yourself. [13] X Research source
- Meditating , doing yoga, and going out for a walk are great ways to improve both your physical and mental well-being.
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Be kind and positive toward yourself. Use positive affirmations to help you feel confident in your decision and yourself. If you were with a toxic person, it’s possible that they could have said things to make you doubt your self-worth. Give yourself a gentle reminder that their words aren’t a reflection of your true character and that you have many strengths that make you a great person. Tell yourself things like: [14] X Research source
- I deserve to be loved and cared for.
- I’m a good person.
- I’m strong and capable of anything I set my mind to.
- Remind yourself that you’re not a bad person for cutting a toxic friend out of your life. Your health and happiness should always be a priority.
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Fill your time by pursuing your hobbies and interests. When you lose a friend, it might feel like a big void has opened up where they used to be. Make an effort to fill that void by doing fun things with friends, spending time with family, and pursuing your passions. Or, find a new hobby to dedicate your time to. Keeping busy with healthy distractions is a good way to fight off any loneliness you might feel at the beginning. [15] X Research source
- Getting involved in fun groups and organizations is a great way to make new friends to take the place where a toxic person once was.
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Talk to a therapist if you’re having a hard time. If you’re having a difficult time moving on and coming to terms with your emotions, a therapist may be able to help. They’ll be there to listen to you and can possibly walk you through some exercises to help you accept what’s happened and cope with the situation in a healthy way. [16] X Research source
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionIs it okay to end friendships?Jay Reid is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) in private practice in San Francisco, CA. He specializes in helping clients who have survived a narcissistic parent or partner. Treatment focuses upon helping clients identify and challenge self-diminishing beliefs as a result of narcissistic abuse. Jay holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and an MS in Clinical Psychology from Penn State University.Yes! Remind yourself that it's good to consider ending toxic relationships. That means you're doing something that prioritizes your well-being, which you could consider explaining to the friend. After that, as long as safety isn't in place, there probably isn't a wrong way to end that toxic friendship.
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QuestionCan you end a friendship over text?Jay Reid is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) in private practice in San Francisco, CA. He specializes in helping clients who have survived a narcissistic parent or partner. Treatment focuses upon helping clients identify and challenge self-diminishing beliefs as a result of narcissistic abuse. Jay holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and an MS in Clinical Psychology from Penn State University.Yes! You don't have to see someone in-person to end your friendship. It's especially important to keep your distance if you're worried about your safety, the safety of your belongings, or the safety of someone else.
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Warnings
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- If you’re in a situation where you fear for your safety, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline
at 800-799-7233. [17]
X
Expert Source
Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor Expert Interview. 7 Aug 2020.
- If you’re in a situation where you fear for your safety, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline
at 800-799-7233. [17]
X
Expert Source
Jay Reid, LPCC
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References
- ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 Aug 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-friendship-doctor/201307/how-gently-let-go-toxic-friend
- ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/toxic-friends-break-up-0203124
- ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/toxic-friends-break-up-0203124
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2020/04/how-to-set-boundaries-with-toxic-people
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2020/04/how-to-set-boundaries-with-toxic-people
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2020/04/how-to-set-boundaries-with-toxic-people
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/steps-to-end-a-toxic-relationship
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/how-to-cope-with-a-friendship-suddenly-ending
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/steps-to-end-a-toxic-relationship
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-autism-spectrum-disorder/202011/why-do-i-keep-attracting-toxic-partners
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201410/when-you-should-and-should-not-forgive
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201812/7-better-ways-deal-toxic-people
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201812/7-better-ways-deal-toxic-people
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/steps-to-end-a-toxic-relationship
- ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/toxic-friends-break-up-0203124
- ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 Aug 2020.
About This Article
Article Summary
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A toxic friendship can be emotionally draining, so it’s important for you to end it clearly and limit all future contact. Write down your reasons for wanting to end the friendship, since you’ll find it easier to explain them to the other person if you’ve spent time thinking them through. When you talk to your friend, be as clear and direct as possible about the fact you want to end your relationship, since toxic people often won’t take no for an answer. For example, you might say, “I feel like I’m not getting anything out of this relationship. I think it would be best if we go our separate ways.” Make sure you tell them that you don’t want any further contact with them and that you won’t be reaching out to them from now on so they realize that this is the end. If you find yourself with a lot of time on your hands after ending the toxic friendship, try taking up a new hobby, like knitting or art, to keep busy. Keeping busy will reduce the likelihood that you’ll fall back into the friendship again. For tips from our co-author on how to cope emotionally after ending a friendship, keep reading!
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Reader Success Stories
- "Just ended a toxic friendship of many years. Sadly, it was difficult and I wish had I read this first. The friend was long distance and I recently moved to their town. It was always controlling, but on a limited basis. Now it was intense. I'm passive as the article states and became vulnerable to this behavior. I chose to end the friendship after being harshly scolded for going against their wishes and having my property disrespected. On a great note, other friends stepped in." ..." more
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"Just ended a toxic friendship of many years. Sadly, it was difficult and I wish had I read this first. The friend was long distance and I recently moved to their town. It was always controlling, but on a limited basis. Now it was intense. I'm passive as the article states and became vulnerable to this behavior. I chose to end the friendship after being harshly scolded for going against their wishes and having my property disrespected. On a great note, other friends stepped in."
..."
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"I haven't broken off the friendship as yet but reading this will help. I told this person in June or July (can't remember exact month) that I was going to walk away from the friendship if they did not get help. Nothing happened and sadly, in October, this person was diagnosed with cancer and I was pulled back into the friendship. I will remain by this person's side until they are better but then I will get out of the situation. It is horrible. "
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"I was the toxic one. With very good therapy I learned where my problems were coming from. It has been hurtful along the way but I am so much better remembering that I can't use sarcasm or negativity to feel powerful. I want to ask for another chance. How?"
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"I recently lost one of my closest friends to the popular crowd and she said a lot of mean stuff over text to me, one of them being: it is the new me and you dont see it. I am popular now, mature stuff like that and I am not going to lie, it was hard."
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"I have just told my best friend that I have known since from age 16 years old that I really do not wish to stay in contact anymore. It was a difficult thing to do but finally said my piece."
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