Why Do I Feel Like a Burden, and How Do I Stop?

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Methods for addressing your feelings and reframing your perspective
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If you’re feeling like a burden, you might be afraid of inconveniencing, annoying, or depending on anyone, even trusted loved ones. This feeling is often accompanied by depression and anxiety, and it may make it hard for you to reach out for help or ask for what you need. We’re here to tell you that this experience is very common, and though it might feel overwhelming right now, there are ways to overcome it, including setting strong boundaries, prioritizing your needs, and practicing relying on friends or family for support. For more information on how to stop feeling like a burden, keep reading.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed psychotherapist, Lauren Urban, LCSW. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

  • You may feel like a burden if you’re reliant on loved ones for support, especially if you’ve been conditioned to put others first or people-please.
  • You can overcome this feeling by speaking to a loved one about it. Ask if they've got some time to talk, and tell them you're struggling. They'll likely be happy to reassure you.
  • A therapist may also help you address why you feel like a burden and make it easier for you to practice prioritizing yourself.
Section 1 of 3:

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    If you're a people-pleaser, you likely put others' needs ahead of your own, which can leave you feeling drained and unable to ask for help when you need it. Disappointing someone can leave you feeling like a burden, especially if they’re someone you look up to or feel responsible for. Even if you haven't disappointed someone, the fear of disappointing them or causing any sort of inconvenience can cause stress, anxiety, and shame.
    • You may have been conditioned to put others’ needs ahead of your own, and to take responsibility for other people’s emotions. You may struggle to voice your needs or set boundaries and feel shame whenever you express your feelings, especially if they’re negative.
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    Even if there’s no “reason” for you to be feeling like a burden, if you grew up in an environment where your authority figures held unrealistic or unfair expectations regarding how you should act and feel, you may carry the fear of failure into adulthood and may thus be prone to anxiety and depression. [1] Even something as simple as letting a friend buy you coffee when you forget your wallet could lead to feelings of being a burden or failing at life.
    • Being a perfectionist can lead to hyper-independence and a fear of failure, as well as a weak sense of your self-worth.
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    Everyone struggles with their physical or mental health from time to time, and in some situations you may need help managing your health, whether temporarily or chronically. Needing to rely on loved ones may make you feel as if you’re an inconvenience. [2]
    • If you’re struggling with addiction, you may feel additional shame and worry that you've disappointed your loved ones, especially if your addiction has led you to be dependent on others for financial assistance or physical or mental health management.
    • Whether you’re struggling with physical health issues like a broken leg or chronic illness or mental health concerns like depression or anxiety, it can be tough to rely on others, even the people we consider our closest friends and family.
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    Being reliant on other people for financial assistance can make you feel small, wound your pride, and make you feel as if you’re a burden. You may feel this way even if the person you’re depending on hasn’t indicated they feel burdened or put out.
    • Besides feeling shame at having to rely on someone else, you may feel self-doubt and anxiety over not being financially independent, especially this is a recent development. [3]
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Section 2 of 3:

How to Stop Feeling Like a Burden

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    If you’re used to feeling like a burden when you’re struggling, it may take practice to open up to loved ones , but talking through your emotions can help to alleviate them. By entrusting a close friend or family member with your feelings, you’ll likely see that they only want to support you. [4]
    • You may even find they understand where you’re coming from and why you’re feeling the way you are.
    • Consider approaching them with, "Hey, I've been really struggling lately...do you have time to talk?" or state directly how you're feeling: "I've been feeling like I'm a burden to everyone lately, and I don't really know what to do about it. Can I talk to you?"
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    Speaking to a licensed therapist can be a very effective way to address and overcome your feelings. Whether you’re experiencing this emotion as a result of a significant event—like a change to your health or financial status that renders you dependent on others—or because you’ve been conditioned from a young age to feel responsible for others’ emotions, therapy can help you unpack your emotions and practice relying on others without shame. [5]
    • Therapy alone may be able to help, but in some cases, you may find medication to be helpful. Speak to your therapist if you believe medication may benefit you.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 248 wikiHow readers how they build self-confidence and self-worth, and only 11% of them said Seeking therapy or counseling. [Take Poll]
      • If low self-esteem is contributing to your feelings of being a burden, don't overlook asking a counselor or therapist for help because you don't think it's a big enough issue.
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    If you’re not used to voicing your needs or setting boundaries with other people, practice prioritizing your needs. It may be difficult at first, and you might feel guilty for doing it, but in time, it may help alleviate the feeling of being a burden. [6]
    • Remember, you aren’t responsible for other people or their emotions, even if you’ve been conditioned to believe you are.
    • There’s a difference between being there for loved ones and taking on responsibility for them—especially at your own expense. As the saying goes, you have to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help someone else.
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    It may be helpful to pretend that you are in the position of your loved ones, and they are in your situation. How would you feel if a friend or family member came to you for help, voiced a need, or set a boundary? It’s likely you would want to help them and would be glad they came to you for support. Remember this when you feel reluctant to turn to a loved one for help.
    • Imagine what you would say to a friend who was feeling the same way you are. Would you tell them they were being a burden? Or would you say, "I'm so sorry you're feeling that way. I love you, and I'm glad you came to me."
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    When you’re in the depths of depression or anxiety, feeling better is likely more complicated than simply changing your perspective to be more positive. That said, if your impulse is to apologize to someone when you need something, practice pausing next time you feel that impulse, and thank the person for helping you instead. Practicing gratitude can be a powerful combatant to depression, anxiety, and the feeling of being a burden. [7]
    • For instance, if you’re recently out of a job and are reliant on a friend or family member for financial support, instead of saying, “I’m sorry I can’t cover my bills this month,” try, “Thank you so much for all your support. It means so much to me.”
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Section 3 of 3:

Final Thoughts

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    It can be lonely to feel like a burden, especially because this feeling often makes you want to isolate yourself even more, which only compounds the emotion. [8] But it’s not forever. You can overcome it through time and with the help of the people in your corner.
    • If you feel like a burden or as if your loved ones would be better off without you, know that it’s not true. The people who love you want to be there for you and help you navigate these complex, lonely feelings.

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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/peaceful-parenting/202103/am-i-burden-am-i-too-much
      2. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5033305/
      3. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8806009/
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-long-reach-childhood/201408/being-burden
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-long-reach-childhood/201408/being-burden
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/your-emotional-meter/202104/what-it-really-means-take-care-yourself
      7. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6437090/
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-long-reach-childhood/201408/being-burden

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