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Find lasting romance when you're middle-aged
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Finding love at 50 may feel like it's a challenge, but it can be deeply rewarding with the right person. You may have had past relationships, or gone through a divorce, and now you're wondering what's ahead. There are still opportunities to start fresh, trying new things, and find love along the way. Learn how the right frame of mind about love at 50 can help you to navigate dating in the modern world and find a more meaningful connection.
Things You Should Know
- Focus your energy on dating, and stop making excuses about your other responsibilities getting in the way. You deserve to find a partner!
- Visit a hair dresser and a personal stylist to update your look and find an appearance that complements your best qualities.
- Let your friends know you're on the market, or make a profile on a dating app to put yourself out there. Also, frequent bars, cafes, or community events to find other singles.
Steps
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Stop making excuses. Finding love, or the idea of dating even, can be scary and overwhelming. You may find excuses such as work, kids, and other activities in your life. You may also think that you're "too old" to find love, or that there is "no one good to date at my age." Having the right mindset, and being open to new things is the first step in the right direction. [1] X Expert Source Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 6 March 2019.- Remove negative thoughts. Don't drift into a negative vibe mindset. You're not alone in feeling like it's difficult, or making excuses, as many other people looking for love feel the same way. If you finding yourself worrying about how to find love, change that into a positive thought. Think about the good things that you have enjoyed with love and companionship, rather than the bad.
- Start your day with the a daily reminder that you are a new person, ready to start fresh. Remind yourself of the good things that you have to offer. See yourself as open to a new love.
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Prioritize love in your life. There are lots of things that can consume your day, but if you really are in search of love, then love needs to be a priority. If you are genuinely looking for love, don't overlook an opportunity that's available. Maybe someone asks you for coffee, or wants to see if you will join them for an event. Be open to going on a date, or rescheduling it for a time that works best for you both. [2] X Expert Source Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 6 March 2019.- Be careful not to make love the only thing that matters. Eagerness for love may blind you from making clear decisions.
- If you are just starting to date, don't force love, or a more serious relationship, that it isn't there yet. You may feel the need to fill a void, but understand that love can take time.
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Put effort into your appearance. Take time to think about what you like about yourself in terms of your appearance and your personality. First impressions do matter.
- Dress in a way to present your "best self" particularly when meeting new people, or going on a date. You don't have to wear something that goes against your personality, but there may be ways to enhance your appearance.
- Take advice from people you trust about fashion tips. While it may be difficult to go out of your comfort zone, be open to other suggestions.
- Be accepting of your body as it is now. It may have been a while since you were on the dating scene, and your body has likely changed a great deal since you last looked for love. Don’t let your insecurities keep you from finding love and intimacy.
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Act confident . Confidence is often more important than appearance alone. Instead of focusing on the negative aspects of yourself, find the positives. [3] X Research source
- Talk with enthusiasm and confidence, by focusing on the things that you enjoy.
- While your appearance may initially help to get someone's attention, it is what you do and say afterwards that matters. Be friendly, polite, and respectful.
EXPERT TIPDating CoachJohn Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.Confidence makes you more desirable. You'll be less likely to find someone who truly appreciates you if you undervalue yourself. To set yourself up for a healthier partnership, focus on building a positive self-image and be kind to yourself. People are attracted to those who have self-respect and know their worth.
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Be aware of what you want, and don't want, in a partner. We all have "deal-breakers" in a relationship. By now if you're in your 40s, 50s, or 60s, you have a better handle of what you're willing to compromise about, and what you're not. Be honest with yourself, and don't let your judgment become clouded about other things that are going on. [4] X Research source
- Define what your needs are, and what truly makes you happy. Be realistic about what your needs are, and how they can or cannot be met by your partner.
- Be honest about what type of love you're seeking. If it's a short-term fix for something missing in your life, you may find a partner that makes you feel good for the short-term, rather than for the long-haul.
- It will be harder to find the love you're looking for, if you not sure what you're looking for in the first place. [5] X Research source
- Remember that, like you, the people you meet will have a past. This could include children, grandchildren, multiple marriages, divorces, and so on, and you'll have to be prepared to accept that people will have some baggage and history.
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Make yourself available. Be open to letting people know that you are single, and looking. Finding a new relationship through friends, or people you know, is the most common way to find love. [6] X Research source Be open to doing things outside of your normal routine. By being available to new experiences, you are opening yourself to meeting new people. Consider some of the following activities:
- Hanging out at a coffee shop to read
- Taking a walk at a new spot
- Joining a gym, or a co-ed fitness class
- Getting out into nature — at the beaches, at the lake, in a park.
- Going to a new bar with friends
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Try online dating. There are many older men and women that find love through online sites. It's not just for younger people. Consider using a site that is geared more towards a common interest or faith, or that is more age specific. [7] X Research source
- Making a profile may seem a bit overwhelming. Consider talking with your friends, or someone you trust, that may have some good advice about how to show-off your personality in an effective way.
- Be aware that online dating via messaging or emails is similar to getting someone's attention in person. Be friendly and personable. It's okay to flirt.
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Think of age as just a number. Finding an appropriate match often as more to do with emotional and physiological age rather than a person's numerical age, in and of itself. You want to be able to share similar experiences and values if you're looking for a deeper kind of love. Matching with someone's energy and activity level may also make for a more lasting relationship.
- If you're 50, you may find a great match with someone who's 38 or 62. Be open on both sides of the age spectrum.
- Some men may want to date someone 10 or 20 years younger than them. Think about if that partner's maturity matches your own. If you're very active, there are many women in their 50s and beyond that may be a great match.
- Some women may feel like they are competing with younger, more youthful looking women. Think about how both of the sexes are often attracted to confidence more than anything else. Be confident in your own skin.
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Try speed dating. Search online for speed dating events, and talk with a single friend who might be willing to go with you. This can be a quick way to meet new people, and see if there is an initial spark.
- When speed dating, it's a brief conversation with a larger number of prospective people, so there's a the benefit of not spending as much time, compare to being set-up by friends, or meeting people one at time through online dates.
- Think of it as a networking event, or a cocktail party. It's a brief and fast way to meet people.
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Consider joining a singles' group. With modern technology, there are lots of ways to find activities for singles in your community. Here are some other places that might have single's groups:
- A local church, or other place of worship, that has singles' activities.
- Fitness groups or clubs, such as a runner's group
- General interest groups, such as through Meetup.com
- Networking or college alumni events
- Volunteer groups
- Social dance classes
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Consider how things may have changed. If you're just getting back into dating after a divorce or loss of a partner, it may have been a while since you last went on a date. Tune into modern dating norms by asking friend who have been dating. Be open to splitting the bill with your date, meeting at a location instead of getting picked up, possibly dating more than one person at a time, etc. Another great way to learn current dating norms? Just jump right into it!
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Show your passion for love and life. Being positive and passionate about life is a very attractive quality. While you may feel burned by love in the past, make an effort to put aside old feelings. If you feel like you still aren't "over" a past relationship, you may be carrying baggage that makes you less attractive to others. Consider the following:
- Avoid turning your past relationships into the main topic of conversation when first meeting someone.
- Talk about the things that make you truly happy. Share stories that make you smile each time you tell them.
- Find ways to be remain positive about love and dating in a genuine and honest way. Seek advice, or possibly counseling, if you keep running into hurdles about how to get past your ex, or past negative relationships..
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Be a good listener. Listen to what your partner, or the new person you're dating, is really saying. Are you interested in what he or she has to say? A lasting relationship is based on effective communication, which often starts with being a good listener. [8] X Expert Source Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 6 March 2019. Consider the following:- Maintain eye contact when your partner is talking. This shows you are giving them undivided attention.
- Paraphrase what you heard him or her say if you are wanting to understand better what they are talking about. For example, "it sounds like doing _____ was difficult/stressful/hard" or "doing _____ sounds really interesting/fun/exciting."
- Avoid the need to interrupt or interject in the middle when your partner is talking.
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Identify core values. In addition to effective communication, this is the key to a lasting relationship. If you are interested in more than just dating, love is founded on core values. If you and your partner are matching in similar interests, that's great, but ultimately is the bigger things in life that will lead to a healthy relationship down the road. You may have learned this already from your earlier relationship, but think about some of these when you are looking for love: [9] X Research source
- What do you think about marriage, divorce, and love?
- What are your religious, or moral, beliefs about how to live your life?
- How do you deal with money, and make financial decisions?
- How do you feel about taking care of someone? Or about making important decisions as a couple?
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Have fun together. Make time to enjoy common interests. It's okay to have time apart, and have your own individuality. Just make sure that you are having time together that is fun and meaningful. [10] X Expert Source Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 6 March 2019. Consider the following:- Do activities that are new and different. Not just going out to dinner, or watching TV at home.
- Share time together away from other couples, relatives, or kids. See what it's like when it's just the two of you.
- Joke, laugh, and be playful. Life is short. You can make even ordinary activities more fun with a little extra attention and effort.
Esther Perel, PsychotherapistEmbrace adventure and trying new things. "Breaking routine and stepping out of what feels comfortable connects you to curiosity and discovery. So, ask yourselves, what is something new you can do together?"
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat are the odds of getting remarried at 50?Allen Wagner is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles, California. He received his Master's in Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2004. He specializes in working with individuals and couples on ways they can improve their relationships. Along with his wife, Talia Wagner, he's the author of Married Roommates.I wouldn't worry about statistics or data about this. It's just not the right mindset. If you want to find someone to spend the rest of your life with, go out, be vulnerable, and keep an open mind. If you start getting too analytical about it, you aren't going to have any fun dating!
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QuestionHow can I keep that romantic spark with my wife after 50?Allen Wagner is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles, California. He received his Master's in Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2004. He specializes in working with individuals and couples on ways they can improve their relationships. Along with his wife, Talia Wagner, he's the author of Married Roommates.It's really easy to just get into a rut as you get older. People tend to spend more time doing things they find individually fulfilling as they get older, so make sure you go out of your way to schedule time together. Do things both of you find fulfilling, and do your best to maintain some spontaneity.
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Tips
- Remember that there is no "right" age to fall in love. It can happen at any time, and at any age. It's a matter of whether you're ready and willing.Thanks
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Warnings
- If you're looking for love, rather than just "someone to have fun with," be open and honest with yourself and your partner. Identify if you are both seeking the same thing. Trust your instincts if you are dating someone who seems more interested in expensive dinners, rather than getting to know you.Thanks
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References
- ↑ Allen Wagner, MFT, MA. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 6 March 2019.
- ↑ Allen Wagner, MFT, MA. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 6 March 2019.
- ↑ http://www.cnn.com/2012/11/01/living/boomers-dating-after-50/
- ↑ http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/dating-deal-breakers?page=2
- ↑ https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2014/12/the-real-roots-of-midlife-crisis/382235/
- ↑ https://mic.com/articles/112062/the-way-most-people-meet-their-significant-others-is-not-what-you-think#.hdWlTXviG
- ↑ http://www.aarp.org/home-family/dating/info-07-2013/single-dating-advice-love-kelton.html
- ↑ Allen Wagner, MFT, MA. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 6 March 2019.
- ↑ http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/love-and-dating-what-you-need
- ↑ Allen Wagner, MFT, MA. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 6 March 2019.
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